I wrote this up for someone in the tags who had some questions. I didn’t want to reblog because it felt like they wanted their post to stay more personal, but I tackled the questions of “what is nonbinary?”, “what does nonbinary feel like?”, and “how do you know if you’re nonbinary?” I quite like the write up I did, so I’m posting this separately.
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There is no thing as “exactly” nonbinary because like many other labels, nonbinary is an umbrella term. Some of us use it as a gender identity, but it encompasses a vast array of experiences: anything that isn’t strictly a man or strictly a woman.
This includes: no gender, some gender, multiple genders, fluid genders, fluxxing genders, specific genders that aren’t man/woman, and indescribable genders.
Nonbinary can be someone who is sometimes or partially a man/woman or someone who is man/woman in addition to other gender(s). It is not totally removed from man/woman. It includes non-binary forms of man/woman.
It can also have nothing to do with man/woman. Depends on the person.
Nonbinary can also be wrapped up in trauma and/or neurodivergency and/or sexuality. For example, autism impacts the way you relate to the world and process information, so many autistic people may identify as nonbinary or specifically autigender, meaning their understanding of their gender due to their autism cannot be separated from their gender. Or, for example, someone aromantic may find their aromanticism makes them so separated from gender (which perceptions of which can be closely tied up to gender roles, amatonormativity, romanticism, etc.) that someone’s aromanticism can make them feel totally removed from the gender binary. Etc.
Loosely put, nonbinary is any experience/feeling that isn’t 100% only a man or 100% only a woman. It cannot be defined more specifically for that because what gender feels like to an individual is fiercely subjective. It can be impacted by age, race, neurodivergence, sexuality, experience, culture, personal feelings, etc.
So following that, no, there is no clearly defined or easy way to describe a “nonbinary feeling” because it’s personal, subjective, and wildly diverse.
There are a lot of ways to figure out if you’re nonbinary. I personally advocate that anyone questioning *let* themselves identify as nonbinary for at least a couple of months or more. During that time, don’t fight yourself or argue with it. Just let the label sit. After at least a couple of months, THEN return to the question of “does this feel right to me?”
You don’t have to know for sure. Besides the fact that exploration is often the only way to figure it out, I am also a fierce proponent of the choice narrative. If you want to be something or are intrigued by it, then choose to be that for a while. See how it feels. In the end, it’s not a specific label that matters most. What matters most is your feelings. What makes you happiest? Most comfortable?
Maybe it’s easier to address questions like how you want to: dress, present, get referred to as, etc. especially before settling on any label. It’s also helpful to remember that life is full of phases. Life itself is a phase. So don’t be afraid to try on labels/names/pronouns/titles/etc. as frequently or rapidly as you want.
And know that nobody really knows for sure but it doesn’t matter because labels aren’t some predetermined category you have to fall perfectly into. They are simply communicative tools. They are vastly simplified specifically so many people can identify with them and in simplest terms communicate their feelings to others/find a community of people with similar experiences. But the actual depth of your feelings is ALWAYS something you’re going to want to expand on with the people that it matters to you to do so.
~Mod Pluto
