Posts tagged "101"
Unfortunately, most of the nonbinary blogs I followed back in the day are now inactive, but here’s one I followed that I remember being pretty good and that might have some helpful stuff in its archives. Based on the information in your ask, looking into bigender and genderfluid identities seems like a good starting point for you.
mod k
Hey, anon!
I’ve been sitting here wracking my brain trying to understand your ask. Do excuse me if I’ve gotten anything wrong or misunderstood you.
I think there’s a basic confusion here about what nonbinary actually is, maybe. It sounds like you’ve been under the belief that nonbinary is inherently separate, individual, and independent of man and woman.
Think of it more like…
Men = salt
Women = pepper
Nonbinary = all other spices, herbs, spice mixes (including spices mixes with salt/pepper, as well as a basic salt/pepper combo - and here percent combos can matter), and/or lack thereof
Nonbinary is not some specific gender - although it can be for some people. Within cultures of binary gender systems (ie, some cultures have third genders that don’t/wouldn’t consider themselves nonbinary because gender is conceptualized differently in those cultures), nonbinary is simply anything that isn’t 100% man only OR 100% woman only.
Nonbinary can be:
- No gender
- Partial gender(s)
- Multiple genders
- Fluid genders
- Fluxing genders
- Other gender (not man or woman but its own gender)
- Indescribable
- Not understandable/unable to be pinned down
- Conceptual
- Gender that itself is influenced/impacted by identity (such as neurodivergency or sexuality) and/or experiences (such as trauma)
- Any mix of the above
- Anything else not listed here
Nonbinary doesn’t mean “not man or woman” - it’s more “not just man or woman”. Lists like this can be overwhelming, but they can also give you an idea of all that nonbinary can encompass.
So this means, nonbinary people can be:
- Sometimes men/women
- Partially man/woman
- Differing amounts/intensities of man/woman
- Both man and woman (either statically or fluidly)
- Combined man and woman (maybe can’t be separated out as different feelings/experiences, both simply exist intertwined)
- Any combination of the above, as well as with any other gender/lack thereof (ex. someone who is is both a man and agender at the same time, someone whose genderfluidity goes between woman and nonbinary and juxera, etc.)
So to answer “is it possible” - yes, it’s 100% possible to be a woman, a man, and nonbinary. You can be all three together, at once, fluidly, in sum, etc. Nonbinary can be a separate and unique identity for you, as well as a description of the fact that by being a man and a woman and another gender - you are nonbinary in this gender binary system.
As for what you should do… Number one thing is trust yourself! Gender is not a math equation or diagnosis. You can’t input 2 + 2 and get your specific, exact gender. You can’t get your blood drawn and get your specific, exact gender returned. What label you use doesn’t have to be a perfect, pinpoint accurate, one word summary of how you feel. What label you use is just about: A) what makes you feel comfortable/safe, B) what helps you connect with others who feel similarly to you, and/or C) what most closely describes what you want to communicate about your gender to others.
Fact is, you are the best judge of your own gender. It’s not about knowing with absolution what your gender is. It’s about letting yourself trust yourself to make this decision. And there is no such thing as getting it wrong. Exploring and finding what makes you comfortable through practice and time and sitting in your feelings is just how we better understand ourselves and our genders. Every label you disregard is simply knowledge you learned about yourself and how you feel. It wasn’t wrong or failing or pretending. It was life experience. It was introspection. It was and is important for you.
If you feel like you’re a woman, a man, and nonbinary - then let yourself call yourself those things! Let yourself use those labels. Let yourself just think of yourself in that way without the qualifiers “but maybe I’m wrong” or “but I really don’t know” or “but what if I’m not?”. If you feel safe/comfortable doing so and want to do so, share this with others. Let them help by being an ear to talk to. Let them help by using your gender labels, pronouns, titles, name(s), etc. This may be a friend or family member you confide in. You might explore with the safety of a queer friendly therapist. You might share with a queer/trans group/club. Maybe it just starts with using these words and labels privately on things like online quizzes or shipping labels (if you live alone).
The next thing I suggest is more educating and more getting yourself comfortable with the history and present of nonbinary identities. For this, I suggest our book recs tag, specifically the ones from this post on Memoirs/Guides for questioning/being nonbinary. The Gender Quest Workbook is also a book specifically meant to help you explore and broaden your understanding of the different faucets of gender and what this means for you and the label you want to use. Or @transgenderteensurvivalguide has a Nonbinary Flowchart that works as a quick and easy Determine-Where-To-Start-Thinking-Of-Your-Gender quiz-style flowchart.
Hope this helps, anon! Our ask box is currently closed, but I’ll respond to pings or reblogs. As well, I am thinking about at least temporarily opening our ask box again in the near future, so you can keep an eye out for that if you have any more questions.
~Pluto
