Yeah, yeah, yeah: the most-sampled beat in hip-hip history. Listen to the rest of the song*. Thanks, Clyde.
*This is only a “song” in the loosest sense of the word. It’s James Brown’s band playing for nine minutes, but that’s nothing to jump back and kiss your bad self about.
Phil loved the Farewell Shoes. There was the overwhelmingly positive spirit coming from the crowd, and the band got along semi-decently, and the money was wonderful.
But what Phil really liked was that jean jacket Levi’s Stadium gave him.
OR
Right after this picture was taken, Billy punched Bill Murray in the dick and whispered in his ear, “Everyone will believe you.”
OR
“How should we decorate the green room?”
“Who’s using it?’
“Grateful Dead.”
“Hang up as much bullshit as possible.”
“Gotcha.”
…
“And a rose.”
“Done.”
OR
Phil’s had hepatitis, several different cancers, and a liver transplant, and he’s ten years older than Bill Murray, and he still looks better.
Do you remember Daniel Pearl? He was a journalist before someone cut his head off; they filmed it; you can watch it. James Foley was also a journalist; his head was cut off in Syria. What about Bill Biggart? He was born in Germany but became an American citizen; he was a photographer that died in Lower Manhattan on a clear and beautiful Tuesday morning. These were enemies of the people.
Narciso Gonzalez wrote for The State in South Carolina, and he was killed by the Lt. Governor of that state. Ruben Salazar wrote for the Los Angeles Times, and he was killed by the police of that city. The Lt. Governor was acquitted; the cops were never charged. The journalists were a threat to the American way of life, you see, and not their murderers.
Nellie Bly went undercover to expose the horror and filth of American insane asylums; Upton Sinclair got a job in the Chicago stockyards; Woodward and Bernstein hung around in parking garages. Enemies.
Ernie Pyle was accidentally blown up by our own Army, but Joseph Morton was executed by the Nazis. William Moore did not make it to the 37th Parallel. Phillipa Schuyler’s helicopter fell out of the sky near Da Nang. Michael Kelly was riding in a convoy outside Baghdad that came under fire. Marie Colvin stood too close to a coffee can packed with explosives and nails during the Siege of Homs.
These are some of the people that the president called America’s enemies.
Why are you back in Sundance?
“Forgot my glasses.”
They’re in your hand.
…
“Ah.”
You ever ski? Seems like your kind of thing.
“Silvered at Innsbruck in ’76.”
You did not.
“Giant slalom. They called me ‘No Fear’ Weir. You should’ve seen the size of my thighs.”
None of this is true.
“There was a good couple years where I was considering quitting the band and moving to a mountain. Be the pro, bang ski bunnies. Really tempting.”
Why didn’t you?
“Well, you know: I already lived on a mountain and banged ski bunnies. Seemed silly to take a pay cut.”
Question.
“Shoot.”
How come you never did any acting? You must have been asked once or twice.
“Yeah, they’ve asked. I was supposed to play Starsky. Or Hutch. One of ’em. But, you know: I’m not an actor.”
“THAT NEVER STOPPED ME NONE!”
Goddammit.
“AH HAVE FOLLOWED THE GRATEFUL DEAD VIA THE TIME CAPE AN’ THE LISA MARIE!”
Get out of here, shoo.
“DONTCHOO EVER SHOO NO KING, MAN! LUCKY AH’M WEARIN’ THESE HERE SKIS. AH WOULD KICK YER HEAD OFF YOUR SHOULDERS, AN’ THEN MAKE SONNY AN’ RED BUILD THE BOTTOM HALF OF A SNOWMAN, AN’ THEN AH’D STICK YER HEAD ON TOP. RIP YER NOSE OFF, STICK IN A CARROT. MAKE IT ALL PRETTY F’R THE NICE PEOPLE.”
Why are you always here lately? You showed up once in, like, five years and now you’re a regular.
“YOU ASKIN’ THE KING T’ EXPLAIN THAT MESSED-UP SWAMP YOU CALL A MIND?”
True.
“JUSS ROLL WITH IT. BE GLAD IN MAH GLORY.”
Sure. But you cannot–
“AH WANNA KARATE WITH HAIRY GARCIA!”
–karate with Hairy Garcia. He’s not here. Or there. Or then. Wherever and whenever you are? Garcia’s someplace and sometime else.”
“THEN WHO’S THAT FUZZY FELLOW?”
That’s Bobby.
“AH WILL DEFEAT HIM BEFORE AH FACE HAIRY GARCIA. HE WILL BE A LEVEL BOSS.”
Don’t fight Bobby, please. Hey, I know: tell me some Hollywood stories.
“ANN MARGARET GOT TWO BUTTHOLES.”
That’s not a story, and it’s not true, and it’s awful.
“HOLLYWOOD DOES NOT APPRECIATE MAH SPLENDOR. KEEP GIVIN’ ME THESE DING-DANG OL’ PIECES OF GARBAGE SCRIPTS, MAN. YOU KNOW WHAT MOVIE AH DID IN ’67? CLAMBAKE. YOU KNOW WHAT MOVIE CAME OUT IN ’67? GUESS WHO’S COMIN’ T’ DINNER. WHY CAN’T AH BE THE ONE COMIN’ T’ DINNER? THOSE FOLKS WAS SURPRISED WHEN THEY FOUND OUT A BLACK GUY WAS COMIN’ T’ DINNER, ‘MAGINE HOW SHOCKED THEY GONNA BE WHEN THEY FIND OUT AH AM THE GUEST.”
You have a point.
“1969, AH DID A PICTURE CALLED TH’ TROUBLE WITH GIRLS. CAME OUT SAME DAY AS EASY RIDER, MAN. WHY CAN’T AH BE IN EASY RIDER?”
What, the Peter Fonda part?
“NO, ONE OF THEM GUYS AT TH’ END WHO BEATS THEM HIPPIES T’ DEATH. AH’D PLAY THAT PART F’R FREE.”
Okay. Please don’t karate Bobby.
“MAH KARATE DOES WHAT IT WILL, AN’ THAT IS THE EXTENT OF ITS LAW, MAN.”
Sure.
“Thank you, yes, nice. Great. Sit. You can sit. This is a good thing, everybody standing for me. I like it. Walked in on Chris Christie the other day, he’s on the toilet. He stands–very respectful, nice–but I leave the door open. Everyone’s looking, laughing. Christie starts crying. Fun. I enjoyed that.
“This has been the most successful first month of any president ever. Ever. Many of the shows are saying that, high rated ones. Stock market is through the roof. Hillary, who is still crooked even though she is now a loser, would have burned down the stock market. Burned it to the ground, first day. For Trump, the market responds. Do I get the credit? No. Why? Because the press is very dishonest.
“The media of this country are all criminals. Joe and Mika should be thrown in prison, and I’ve ordered Jeff Sessions to look into that. He’s great, Jeff. Legally, I’m taken care of. Fantastic man, and I think I did a wonderful job choosing him. He’s going to write us another travel ban, leave the word Muslim out. That way these idiot judges won’t know. We have some very, very stupid judges in this country. I would have been a great judge.
“A couple minutes I’m gonna talk, and then I’ll take questions from friendly reporters and maybe one from a black reporter.
“Since I have become president, I’ve done incredible things. We are cracking down on illegal aliens, and no one in the biased and hateful media will write about it. Every illegal alien off the streets is four fewer rapes. That’s a fact, believe me. Not the kind of fact you find in the New York Times, which will probably be going out of business next week. That’s a real fact. Less illegal voting, too. And protests, don’t forget. CNN wants to talk about chaos, protests, whatever. All those people out there are illegal aliens paid by my enemies. Maybe CNN is paying the protestors?
“This weekend I go to Florida so I can take my message directly to the American people, and the press has been very unfair about Florida. Mar-A-Lago, which has memberships available, is a working vacation. I’m not, you know, screwing around like Obama. I work. Last weekend, I had the President of Japan over. Abe. Great guy, very highly respected, big league guy over there. He raved about Mar-A-Lago, by the way. Service, grounds, everything. Loved it. ‘Is so beautiful, Mister Plesident.’ He said that to me over and over. They got those accents. Great guy.
“Okay, let’s take some questions. You.”
…
“I asked for Mike Flynn’s resignation because he didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing at all, great guy. Very strong. The problem was that you reported what he did, which you weren’t supposed to know and also didn’t happen because he didn’t do anything wrong. Did he call Russia? Was he not supposed to? Russia is a very powerful nation. Shouldn’t they be our friend? Maybe Mike Flynn was calling just to say hi. Maybe he misdialed. Meant to hit six, he hit seven, and boom: Russia. Rude to hang up.
“I looked. You didn’t look because you’re not there. I’m there. I look, and when I look, I know. Did he do anything wrong? I didn’t think so, but because of the fake news and lies. So he didn’t do anything wrong, but then when he told the vice-president what he didn’t do he didn’t remember what he hadn’t done wrong. Not good. Plus the lies of the media, so I had to let him go. You’re fired, I told him, and the American people know that I will fire people, even thought they did nothing wrong.
“This Arnold Schwarzenegger, bad guy. Sad. Looks very old on teevee. Ratings are in the toilet. The toilet. You know what? His situation is the reverse of mine: I get handed a diasaster and make it great. He got a spectacular show, a fanstastic show, a proven winner. What does he do? Destroys it, just like Obama almost destroyed America.
“Okay, another question. You.”
…
“I have the full confidence and support of our intelligence community, which is very incompetent and anti-American, but these leaks have to stop. They’re probably treason. One of the shows said it. Kimberly Guilfoyle, I think. Smart woman, very smart. Keeps herself in tip-top shape. Getting older, but still high quality. Kimberly said it! Treason, and I have instructed General Mattis to provide me with a plan to bomb the MSNBC studios. Although, you know: they’re in Secaucus, so no one would notice.”
“Next question. The little Jew?”
…
“Anti-Semitic? Y’know, it’s odd how only Jews accuse me of being anti-Semitic. Very odd. Like a built-in thing with you people. I am the least anti-Semitic person you’ve ever met. Ivanka, who has been treated very poorly, is married to a Jew. I haven’t retweeted a Nazi in months. How dare you even bring that up? I’m gonna remember you said that. I should make you wear something to remind me what you did. A badge, something.
“Next question as long as it isn’t about Russia. You.”
…
“What did I say? We’re done with Russia. I answered that question.”
…
“Yes I did.”
…
“Should they be our enemies? Hillary Clinton, who I beat by more than 10 million votes, gave Putin all of our uranium. You know what uranium is? Bad stuff. Big league bad. If Putin is such a rotten guy, then why did Loser Hillary give him all our uranium? He didn’t even want it! She called him. How come when Hillary calls Putin, she gets rewarded? Very unfair.
“Russia is a ruse. That’s where the name Russia came from. Ruse. Believe me, I saw it on one of the shows. There’s no Russia. There’s no Russia. The lying media, many of who are similar to the man who asked me if I was an anti-Semite, have invented Russia. There’s no Russia. It’s a ruse. Chicago is on fire. The whole city. The blacks have set Chicago on fire, and the unfair and cruel press is talking about Russia.
“Next. You.”
…
“The difference between fake news and real news is whether or not the news is real. Sometimes I see stories that are crazy. I’m in the room. I know what happened, and then when I see what happened written in the paper because it got leaked out, that’s when what happened becomes fake news. The press should be ashamed of itself for trying to find out what happened, and then ashamed of itself again for printing it.
“My phone calls should be private. Great calls, the best calls. I call Mexico and had a great call. President Nieto agreed to pay for the wall. That’s what he said, believe me. I had a great call with whoever the guy who runs Australia is, great call. He said that Australia would help pay for the wall. That’s what kind of deals I’m getting for America.
“Last question. The black.”
…
“The inner cities are carnage. Carnage. I wish I could save all the beautiful, beautiful blacks but at this point I am thinking about sending the Army into Chicago. And that would be sad, because I got a much higher percentage of the black vote than anyone in the crooked media predicted. Many blacks, the smartest blacks, voted for me. Getting gunned down, so I may have to send in troops.
“That was an excellent question. You speak well for a black. Do you know Patti LeBelle?”
…
“Okay, okay, whatever. Have PattiĀ call me. Next question.”
…
“No one can tell me why we shouldn’t be best friends with Russia. No one. Should I hang up on Putin like I hung up on whatshisname from Australia? Putin says very, very nice things about me. He is very respectful and strong. Called me after my spectacular victory and congratulated me. Hillary was going to reset, but then she gave them Uranium. I’ve never spoken with Putin.
“What time is it? Noon? Okay, I’m gonna go watch Fox. Harris Faulkner, one of my favorites. A fair black. Okay, I’m gonna fix America. Bye.”
In other Dead-related business news, Garcia’s Stinson Beach place is back on the market. He and MG’s old house, which they called San Souci, can be yours for only $4.35 million. They paid (in today’s dollars) $118,000 for it; if the house’s value had only stayed level with inflation, then it would be worth $750,000 today. This illustrates the most important lesson of the real estate business: you should have bought forty years ago.
You can go and read an article about it, but you shouldn’t. It’s yet another one of those cloying “shove lyrics in” pieces of content I so despise. Stay here; I’ll tell you everything you need to know.
There are lakes that no human being has ever swam in; there are lakes no human has seen. Where no fish has been hooked, and where no bird has been trapped. It could be peaceful, or muddy and full of crocodiles: we’ll never know. Think of that lake.
Humanity, according to the scientists, has existed in its present form for 200,000 years, and we just invented stairs. Imagine how happy that guy was when he invented stairs. And you know that when he got to the top of the stairs, he had the idea that led to the invention of second floors. That makes me happy.
Many things have made a comeback, but the Macarena has not.
The odds of being crucified are lower now than they have been for many years. Statistically, no one reading this will be crucified.
I have told you this before, but it makes me smile; I’ll tell you again. In South Florida, we have these things called green iguanas. They look like this:
They’re not supposed not be here, but neither are Jews or Cubans; it’s an invasive species. People bought them as pets, dumped them, and now there’s a sizable breeding population from Lake Okeechobee all the way down to the Keys. Wikipedia says they range from 12″-18″ and weigh 10 pounds, but Wikipedia is full of shit: these suckers get up to four feet and 35 pounds of solid muscle. When they’re small, cats eat them, but they don’t have too many predators at full-size besides cars, gators, and pythons. (The pythons are also an invasive species. Welcome to South Florida, where no one belongs.)
Green iguanas are versatile and mobile: they can swim, and run, and–check out those claws–they can climb trees; they climb a tree every night, in fact, for protection while they sleep. Here’s the thing about the iguana’s physiology: where human muscles relax when the body is asleep, an iguana’s muscles retract and lock into place so it can hold on to the tree. This is irrelevant to pedestrians 363-or-4 days a year.
HOWEVER, on one or two nights a year, the temperature drops low enough to send these cold-blooded reptiles into a temporary coma. They freeze there on the tree branch, rigid with sloth, and it takes until mid-morning for them to warm up, and when they do their muscles relax.
Which causes them to dive-bomb onto people walking under the tree, shattering collarbones and terrifying everyone on the sidewalk. For an added bonus, the panicked iguana generally starts flailing its sharp tail around, slicing open several shins.
It’s a good fucking time, man.
Maybe everything’s not terrible. Give it some thought.
The forecast said there was a 50% chance of showers, so Precarious Lee covered up half of the monitors.
Well, Enthusiasts, you by now surely know the big news of the day.
THAT GOBLIN-DICKED GLASS OF CURDLED MILK IS GONNA KILL US ALL!
The other news.
Oh, the thing about the 40-year-old concerts that everyone already owns?
Yes.
Sure. Talk about that instead; pretend everything’s all right.
We’re all just choogling past the graveyard at this point, pal.
…
I’m your pal?
Yeah. You’re my friend. We gotta stick together nowadays.
All of us?
Yup.
Even Elvis?
Jesus Christ, don’t mention that lunat–
“AH HAVE BEEN SUMMONED ONCE AGAIN.”
No you weren’t. And “once again” doesn’t really work. You’re always here lately.
“TH’ PEOPLE NEED THEIR KING.”
…
Yeah, okay.
“IN YER HEART, YOU KNOW AH’M AWESOME. WHASS GOIN’ ON WITH THAT THERE HAIRY GARCIA?”
A box set.
“THAT BOX GOT FRIED CHICKEN IN IT?”
No.
“PASS.”
It’s music, Elvis. After years of legal wrangling, the Grateful Dead’s most famous concert is finally being officially released.
“CORNELL?”
Yeah, Corn…what? Why would you know that?
“AH WAS THERE.”
No, you were not.
“YEAH, MAN. HAD ME A COUPLE DAYS OFF FROM MAH TOUR, WHICH WAS A WELL-OILED MACHINE.”
You were literally dying in public.
“WELL-OILED MACHINE! MAH SKILLS IN KARATE HAD NEVER BEEN SHARPER. AH DECIDED TO HAVE MAH FINAL SHOWDOWN WITH MAH ARCH-NEMESIS, HAIRY GARCIA, AND SO AH MARSHALED THE MEMPHIS MAFIA AN’ WE WENT T’ UTICA.”
Ithaca.
“YOU DIDN’ LEMME FINISH, BOY! WE WENT T’ UTICA. THEN WE REALIZED WE WAS IN TH’ WRONG CITY.”
Okay.
“FOR THIS ERROR, AH CHASTISED CHARLIE HODGE ABOUT HIS FACE AN’ HEAD.”
He deserved it.
“WE REACHED ITHACA’S ROCKY SHORES TOO LATE T’ SEE TH’ OPENIN’ ACT. AH ASSUME TH’ GRATEFUL DEAD HAS COLORED GIRLS SINGIN’ GOSPEL ‘FORE THEY GO ON, RIGHT?”
No. And we don’t call them…ah, forget it. What’s the point?
“AH WAS APPALLED AT THE SHODDY PRESENTATION. AH FIGGERED THEIR CAPE TRUCK GOT STUCK SOMEWHERE, BUT THASS WHY YOU HAVE A BACK-UP CAPE VAN TAKIN’ A DIFF’RENT ROUTE.”
The Dead also did not wear capes.
“SLAPDASH, MAN. WEARIN’ TEE-SHIRTS AN’ DUNGAREES, SMOKIN’ CIGARETTES, SOME SORT O’ HUMAN/GOAT HYBRID PLAYIN’ PIANO. IT WAS UNWHOLESOME.”
You’re not wrong.
“MAH FLABBER WAS GASTED, MAN.”
You didn’t enjoy the show?
“THASS NOT THE POINT OF TH’ TRIP. AH WAS THERE T’ DEFEND TH’ HONOR OF MAH DOJO, AN’ KICK A HIPPIE IN HIS FURRY HEAD.”
Okay.
“BUT AH WAS PARCHED, AND CHARLIE HODGE HAD SECRETLY SOLD ALL MAH SCARVES AN’ WATER OUT IN TH’ PARKING LOT. MAH THIRST WAS INTOLERABLE!”
This is such an easily curable problem, King. Water fountain, snack stand: there were so many places to get a drink.
“MAH BEVERAGES ARE PRESENTED T’ ME, DAMMIT!”
Sure.
“AN’ FROM OUT O’ THE CROWD OF FILTHY YOUNG CRETINS CAME A TALL MAN, OLDER THAN THE CHIL’REN. AH THINK HE MIGHTA WORKED F’R THE BAND. ‘KING,’ HE SAID. ‘HERE.’ AN’ HE HANDED ME AN ICY-COLD PEPSI-COLA.”
Uh-huh.
“HE CALLED IT ‘BOOGIE JUICE.'”
I think we all know what’s going on here.
“AH DO NOT REMEMBER MUCH OF THE REST O’ THE EVENING.”
Yeah, we all know what happened.
“AH BELIEVE THAT TH’ BOOGIE JUICE INTERFERED WITH MAH HEEBIE-JEEBIES.”
Could be.
“BY TH’ TIME AH REMEMBERED AH WANTED T’ KARATE WITH HAIRY GARCIA, IT WAS THREE IN THE’ MORNIN’, AN’ AH WAS NAKED IN A FOUNTAIN.”
What were you doing in the fountain?
“BACKSTROKE.”
And there’s the big finish.
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