Sibling rivalry is to be expected when you have more than one child. Often the niggles and squabbles are best left for children to sort out themselves, but sometimes you will come up against something that requires intervention – rules that need made and implemented, boundaries placed around the issue.
This is when you might choose to 'parent up', allowing a younger child access to the world of their older sibling. Or it might be the case that it is more appropriate to place restrictions on the older child, 'parenting down' towards the youngest.
We've all been there; older child is watching a movie that is age appropriate for them, when a younger sibling – almost certainly completely oblivious of the film in question – demands viewing rights also. This can feel like a lose/lose situation: say no and risk a massive tantrum from the youngster, or ask the older child to change the channel and weather a certain outburst from them.
And there would be very few of us who haven't – often through gritted teeth – told a younger child something along the lines of "No, your sister wasn't allowed to do that when they were your age". Or said to the older one, "Don't do that, it's too dangerous for your younger brother and he'll want to do it too."
It can be easy to feel bad about it, especially when they play on our emotions. What we must remember though, whether it is media, food, behaviour, or something else, is that it's impossible to parent each child identically – however much we want to give them the same experience or impose the same rules.
And ultimately, there is no hard and fast rule that will suit every situation.
Michelle, whose children span from kindergarten to year six, says, "My six-year-old somehow feels entitled to the same bedtime as the 12-year-old, moaning that it's not fair. I tell him that, sadly, life often is just unfair!"
Contrary to this, my own boys do go to bed at the same time (although they are closer in age). There is still moaning, of course, but it's generally the older boy who feels hard done by.
And sometimes as a parent it's just important to remember that you really can't please everyone all the time.
The challenges, and your attitude towards them, are different if there is a bigger age gap between siblings. Anne, whose daughters are almost eight years apart, knows this well. "We do need to have two sets of rules, and Lena (10) and Heidi (3) are both used to that. For instance, they each have their designated time to watch their choice of tv program – Lena can choose what she wants when Heidi is asleep, and she normally chooses to do something else when Heidi is watching her younger kids' shows."
One thing that frustrates Anne is when people assume that Lena, being the older child, is like a pseudo-parent. "She is not a babysitter. She is still a child herself, and loves playing with Heidi as a sister, not as a stand in carer. Their bond is not going to be strengthened by Lena changing nappies!"
Lauren, whose four children range in age from 10 to three, knows the battle of parenting up or down. "My youngest misses out on things his peers relish, like the Wiggles on TV, but he is fully conversant in shows and concepts that his older siblings are involved in, and he loves that. He is the most independent of them all, and very flexible and resilient. The eldest, meanwhile, is much more unlikely to compromise for the youngest, despite adoring him."
Becoming a parent is an enormous challenges. Becoming a parent of siblings – whether they're close together or far apart in age, the same or opposite gender, outgoing or reserved – brings with it a second (or third, or fourth) set of needs and demands.
As long as we try to stick to our beliefs and, most importantly, maintain a sense of humour and some flexibility, we – and those we are bringing up – should make it through with sense of fairness intact.