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Death-defying stunt reclassified after fatal first attempt
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Self-described "social commentator with a camera and a palette" Xavier Bullock was furious beyond measure at a glowing review of his recent exhibition, Sunrise Splatters, which featured in The Age. Despite being generally old-fashioned and preferring classical painting, critic Bill Rutherfoord found the work "a real eye-opener".
Frustrated film buffs have reported that recent advances in laser
technology have had no discernible impact on the quality of 2003's Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy Gigli. "Those Blu-Ray ads led me to
believe anything I watched would include samurai warriors and awesome blue beams
of light, not appalling dialogue and tacked-on romantic subplots," complained PS3 owner Ian Murphy. "If anything, Gigli sucks even more in high definition."
Bowing to pressure from fellow Republicans, conservative media pundits
and his numerous spouses, devout Mormon Mitt Romney announced he was no
longer contesting the presidency. “If I’d stayed in, I'd have made it
easier for Senator Clinton or Barack Obama to win. And in this time of
war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to
terror,” he said. “Also, my third wife is trying for another child, and
I really need to be around the compound when she's ovulating.”
The Australian cricket team has taken exception to Harbajhan Singh’s
alleged comments about Andrew Symonds being a monkey, and told the
Indian tourists in no uncertain terms that in this country, racial slurs are unacceptable
when uttered by anyone other than Tony Greig.
Investment banker Rob Garrus, a deeply slothful man when it
comes to routine household chores, has been watching the spring/summer
ready-to-wear collections like a hawk, hoping black-clad fashionistas declare
unironed clothes to be in this season. "As soon as they give it the nod," he
said, "I'll be sleeping in an extra 12 minutes every day."
Ten years after they finished high school together, former
Young Achiever Lee Rosken can recall minor personality quirks and biographical
details about every single one of his classmates, an ability he demonstrated at
his reunion late last year. "Lee was pretty quiet at school," said reunion
organiser Anna Aprile. "Which made it kinda creepy that he could describe all
the different outfits I wore on mufti days."
In what has been described as a massive coup for Australia's
environmental movement, the nation's homeless have put their support behind the
push to phase out giant plastic bags. "This is a great day for Mother Nature,"
said Clean Up Australia spokesman Ian Kiernan. "From now on, we can expect to
see homeless people using reusable giant green bags to carry their meagre possessions,
not those planet-harming stripey plastics."
While the racing world reels from the devastating effects of
equine flu, there is one group feeling optimistic about the future. "It's a
shame those trainers and horse owners have lost millions of dollars," said gambling
addict Tommy Vincent. "But on the plus side, my son can get those braces he
needs."
In a victory bound to take the troubled singer's mind off
her custody battle, Britney Spears has been crowned Mother Of The Year after a
nationwide search. The competition spanned a variety of criteria, including
community involvement, life/work balance and erratic behaviour. "No matter how
many nominees we looked at, Britney's name came up again and again," said judge
Julia Burris. "It's just a shame she was too drunk to come to the awards
ceremony."
