Kevin Rudd has again come under fire after plans for a fake memorial for the victims of the Virginia Tech massacre became public. "I knew nothing about a plan for a fake service for the Sunrise show," Rudd said this morning. "I thought it was for a 60 Minutes colour piece."

Although the pair have no immediate intentions to quit churning out episode after episode of catchphrase-based comedy, Little Britain creators Matt Lucas and David Walliams have annouced that even they have grown weary of the show's repetitious, endlessly quoted toilet humour. "It's a dilemma, because we're sick to death of it, but it's just so lucrative," Lucas said. "The BBC keeps asking us to do more, and we say yeah, but no, but yeah, but no. But then they wave even more money at us, and we say yeah."

Prince William has dumped his middle-class girlfriend Kate Middleton, saying she won’t make a suitable royal wife. “Kate was lovely, but ultimately we are from different social circles,” William said. “If I’m going to settle down, I need to find a suitable mother for my children. And, at the same time, a long-lost cousin.”

Fresh from his work with fashion designers Giorgio Armani and Paspale Pearls, Ian Thorpe is now consulting with a group of high-end European chemists to design a new range of stimulants "for the modern man". The new range of drugs will include "Thorpedo" and "gold medal" branded ecstasy tablets suitable for "parties, nightclubs and any other situation where people need their performance enhanced."

Convicted terrorist David Hicks will soon return to Australia under a plea bargain that will see him serve nine months in jail and bar him from commenting on his case. Hicks has been warned that under a variation on the US's famous Miranda Rights, anything he says can be used against him in a non-court of retrospective law.