Top Quotes Of 2017
Year In Review
In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible fool…
Pentagon Has U.F.O. Hunting Program
The Defense Department has been investing $22 million per year into investigating unidentified flying objects, a New York Times report found, contradicting government statements that the program was shut down in 2012. What do you think?
Twitter Begins Banning Threatening Accounts
Twitter began banning violent or abusive user accounts this week, including several notable white supremacists and leaders of the far-right. What do you think?
Woman On First Date Feels Like She Could Spend Whole Life In Uncomfortable Silence With This Man
NORWICH, CT—Saying he might very well be the one, area woman Bethany Han told reporters Friday that she could imagine spending her whole life in uncomfortable silence with the man she was currently on a first date with. “I know we just met, but there’s something about Bill that makes me feel like I could awkwardly sit…
Child Who Just Wanted Clothes Spares Uncle’s Feelings By Pretending To Like Xbox
HAVERHILL, MA—Doing his best to mask his disappointment that the package didn’t contain the cable-knit cashmere sweater he’d had his heart set on, local child Max Campbell reportedly spared his uncle’s feelings Friday by pretending to like the Xbox One X he received as a gift. “Thanks, Uncle Joe, I’ll definitely get a…
Most Popular Passwords Of Year Include '123456' 'password'
According to a list compiled from leaked user data, this year’s most popular passwords include several perennial favorites such as “football,” as well as new passwords such as “starwars” and “iloveyou”. What do you think?
Report: More Americans Forced To Sell Gold Pocket Watch In Order To Afford Set Of Fine Combs For Wife
NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained…
FDA Approves Gene Therapy For Inherited Blindness
In a breakthrough in biomedicine, the FDA has approved a gene therapy for inherited blindness. What do you think?
More from The Onion
- It’s A Sad State Of Affairs When We Can’t Even Refer To Every Holiday As Christmas
- Paul Ryan Confident American People Will Warm Up To Tax Plan Once They Realize Life A Cruel And Meaningless Farce
- Man Wondering When ‘Ocean's 8’ Trailer Going To Show Film’s Protagonist
- Bonobo Embarrassed After Walking In On Parents, Siblings, Cousins, Friends, Partner Having Sex
