What to do when your child is aggressive

Try not to worry if your usually even-tempered child has suddenly become more aggressive and prone to angry outbursts. This is a normal phase of their development, particularly between the ages of 18 months and three years old (Zero to Three 2016). Read on for steps you can take to prevent aggressive outbursts and how to deal with them when they do happen.

Why is my child being aggressive?

While your little one is becoming more independent and learning exciting new skills, their communication and self-control still has a long way to go (Zero to Three 2016). This can cause frustration and anger, which can quickly give way to aggressive behaviour, such as hitting, kicking or even biting (Zero to Three 2016).

Even if your child has a wide vocabulary already, it’s unlikely that they’ll have all the words they need to communicate what they feel or what they want. So if they’re feeling distressed, upset that it’s not their turn, or even if they’re just feeling hungry or tired, they’re more likely to lash out than an older child (Zero to Three 2016).

Aggression can vary from child to child. Some are naturally more easy-going, while others can experience big feelings that make it harder for them to keep a lid on their emotions. For these children, it’s sometimes just easier to use actions rather than words (Zero to Three 2016). You probably have a fair idea already if this is the case for your child.

Aggression may also happen if your child feels overwhelmed or frustrated, or when they’re in an unfamiliar situation, such as starting nursery. They may act aggressively if they can't find the words to express their strong feelings.

Occasionally, physical aggression can also be a means of getting attention. If your child gets a big reaction from you when they act aggressively, they soon learn that it's a good way to make you take notice of them more quickly.

Big events that disrupt your child’s usual routine, such as moving house or the arrival of a new sibling, or upsetting events, such as separation or bereavement, can make your little one feel insecure. This can make it harder for them to control their emotions (Zero to Three 2016).

Sometimes, there are other significant reasons for a child’s aggressive outbursts. Young children who are exposed to violence at an early age may be more at risk of developing long-term aggressive behaviour (NCTSN nd, NSPCC nd). If you’re in any way concerned about something your child has seen or experienced, speak to your GP, health visitor or social services key worker if you have one. There are therapies designed for young children that can help.

Remember that almost all young children act aggressively from time to time, and some will go through longer phases of being aggressive. Your child’s anger will most likely decrease as their social skills and language develop (Gill 2019). In the meantime, there are steps you can take to avoid situations that are more likely to cause aggressive behaviour. It’s also possible to help your child manage their anger when it strikes, before they do (Gill 2019)!

How can I prevent aggressive outbursts?

Identify your child’s triggers

Noticing the triggers that cause your child to be aggressive may help to ward off an outburst. Common triggers for anger and aggression include:

• changes to your child’s usual routine
• feeling hungry or tired
• challenging tasks, such as playing a new game or mastering a new physical skill
• playing with other children or siblings
• situations that seem overwhelming, such as bright, noisy play areas
• being unable to communicate feelings and needs and/or not being listened to
• not getting what they want, when they want it (Gill 2019, Zero to Three 2016)

You won’t always be able to identify and take steps to solve what’s causing your child’s aggression. For example, just because your child wants a toy another child is playing with, that doesn’t mean they should have it. But you may be able to ward off a few angry outbursts by keeping your little one’s routine stable, making sure they get enough sleep, and distracting them in situations where you notice their temper starting to rise (AAP 2021, RCPSYCH 2015).

Set a good example

Let your child see you managing your own frustrations in a cool and composed way. For example, you could say, "Oh, I can't find my favourite top. It's so annoying! I really wanted to wear that today. It looks like I'll have to choose another top instead". This sets a good example to your little one and shows them what appropriate behaviour looks like (AAP 2021).

Be consistent

Try to respond to aggressive behaviour in a predictable way. This gives your child a clear idea of what’s expected of them, and makes it easier for them to understand how to behave.

Avoid having one set of rules for home, and another for play dates or days out. This could confuse your child, and make them think that they don’t always have to behave well when they’re just playing with you.

Limit screen time

Screen time can be an absolute lifesaver for a busy parent but studies suggest that too much of it can increase the risk of aggressive behaviour in young children (Keikha et al 2020).

But how much is too much? Confusingly, there are no recommended guidelines in the UK. However, the World Health Organization and the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommend no more than one hour of screen time per day, including TV, for two- to five-year-olds (AACAP 2020, WHO 2019).

It may be helpful to keep track of how much time your child spends in front of a screen, whether it's a TV, phone or tablet. You may spot a pattern between them being frustrated and the times they’re using a screen.

Give your little one a break from screens by getting them into active play. Anything from a game of hide and seek indoors, or playing with a ball outside, will help them to burn off pent-up energy. It’s recommended that children under five need at least three hours' physical activity a day (NHS 2019a).

When you do allow your child to watch TV or play video games, choose programmes or apps that are aimed at their age group, and aren’t too fast paced. Common Sense Media is a good resource for checking whether an app, game or film is suitable for your child.

Sit with them, and chat about what you're seeing. If something you don't like happens on a show or in a game, talk to your child about it: "Did you see how that girl pushed her friend to get what she wanted? That wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it?".

Praise calm behaviour

As well as correcting your child when they act aggressively, it's important to acknowledge times when they act calmly and kindly. Praise them when they patiently wait for their turn on the slide, or give up their swing to another child who's been waiting. Tell them how proud you are and be clear about why: "You were very kind to let Jack play first". (AAP 2021)

How should I deal with an aggressive outburst?

Respond quickly

Let your child know straight away that their behaviour is unacceptable, rather than waiting until later. If they hit another child, take them out of the situation for a cooling-down period. Sit with them, or leave them in a safe place, until they calm down. This will often only take a few minutes (Zero to Three 2016).

When your child acts aggressively, giving them time out will help them to see that their behaviour has consequences. And it shows them that if they hit, kick or bite, they’ll miss out on playing with their friends.

Once your child calms down and is ready to go back, reinforce good behaviour by telling them how proud you are of them for calming themselves down (Zero to Three 2016).

Control your own emotions

Shouting at your preschooler, or giving them a smack, will not show them how to control themselves and stay calm. Instead, it will give them the impression that it's fine to respond aggressively when faced with things they don’t like. It also lets them know that they'll get plenty of attention from you every time they act up (Gill 2020).

You may be feeling angry or embarrassed, which can cloud your own judgement of what to do. If you need to, give yourself a minute to take some deep breaths. Then set a good example by responding to their hits and yells in a calm way (Gill 2020).

Talk about what happened

Once your child has calmed down, it’s time to discuss the situation with them gently and kindly. Ask if your little one can tell you what made them so cross. Explain that it's natural to feel angry sometimes, but it's not acceptable to push, hit, kick or bite when you're feeling that way.

Together, you could think up better ways for your child to handle angry feelings, such as finding an adult to help, counting to 10, taking deep breaths, or walking away from the situation for a minute or two.

Help your little one understand that just saying how they’re feeling can help. For example, they could say, "Amy, I’m angry because you took the crayon," instead of acting aggressively. For younger children, it’s perfectly acceptable to teach them how to say a firm "No", instead of lashing out. The most important thing is that your child uses words instead of violence to get their point across (AAP 2021).

If your child’s reluctant to talk about the incident, or can't find the words to explain it yet, it’s best not to force them. Instead, you could sit down quietly together and read a book that deals with feeling upset or angry. There are lots of wonderful books available that can help children manage big emotions, such as anger, fear and frustration.

Reinforce responsibility

If your child makes a mess or spoils someone's game, let them know that it's up to them to put it right. For example, they could pick up the blocks they threw on the floor, or help to put a puzzle back together. Explain to them that this isn't a punishment but rather that it's how we set things straight when we've made a mistake.

Encourage your preschooler to say sorry, but don’t force the issue. Explain that what they did hurt the other child’s feelings and let them know that apologising will help that child feel better. This will teach your little one to develop empathy for the people around them, which can help them control their anger.

What should I do if my child hits me?

It can be especially upsetting if your child hits you. If this happens say "No" and remove yourself from your child in a very clear, firm way. This will give you a chance to calm down a bit. It also lets your child know that they won’t get any attention from you if they hit you. Having a zero-tolerance approach to aggression towards you is a good first step. It’s then clear to your child that hitting is never acceptable (A Rudkin 2021, personal communications, 15 November).

When should I worry about my child’s aggression?

Your child is likely to grow out of aggression as they get older, without needing any extra help. But if you’re worried, you can always talk to your GP or health visitor. They’ll be able to suggest more ways to help your child manage feelings of anger or frustration.

Ask your GP for advice if your child’s aggressive behaviour:

• happens every day, or on most days
• is severe, and could injure or damage themselves, others, pets or property
• interferes with nursery, family time or social activities
• is becoming more frequent or severe as they get older
• involves aggression towards themselves, such as slapping or scratching, or talking negatively about themselves many times a day (AAP 2021)

If your GP has any concerns about your child's behaviour, they may refer your child to a local children and young people's mental health service (CYPMHS, previously known as CAMHS) for specialist help. Getting help from a specialist CYPMHS is different depending on where you live. Waiting times can vary too (NHS 2019b).

Young Minds runs a free helpline for parents and carers of children and young people. The helpline is open Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4pm on 0808 802 5544.

More parenting tips on preschooler behaviour:

• What to do if your little one has got into the habit of biting their nails.
• How to handle your child’s temper tantrums.
• Find out what to do when your child bites.