this is a community like r/AmITheAsshole except unlike that subreddit here you can post interpersonal conflicts, anything that's AITA but is not allowed there even posting about Scar from the lion king and trying to convince redditors that he was not the AH. rules: don't berate others and no pornography we have children here
I have been married to my husband for 6 years. We have 2 kids together (8m and 4m). Our youngest is special needs.
My husband also has a daughter (12) from his previous relationship. My husband's ex has had primary custody. My husband gets SD on weekends and alternating holidays/birthdays.
This past weekend, my SD asked my husband if she can come live with him fulltime. Her mom recently moved in with her fiance and his kids and there has been some friction with that from what I understand. Nothing nefarious, just new house, new rules, having to share a bedroom etc.
My husband didn't give her an answer either way, he said he would look into it. When he and I were discussing it I had the following objections:
SD and our kids do not get along. It is something we have worked on for years, in and out of therapy - and it just ain't happening. SD resents mine for existing, and is cruel towards my youngest for their disabilities. There have been issues with her bullying. My oldest is very protective of his little brother and hates SD for being mean to his brother. He has started physical altercations with her over it. The truth is that most of the time we have SD, I make arrangements to take the boys to visit their grandparents or husband takes her out of the house for daddy daughter time to avoid conflict. I cannot imagine how living together full time would be for them.
We really don't have room. We have a 4br home. Both my husband and I wfh so we can be a caretaker for my youngest. Due to the nature of his disabilities it is really not feasible for him and my oldest to share a room. It wouldn't be safe or fair for my oldest. My SD's room is used as my wfh office space during the week. I arrange my vacation time and whatnot around her visitation so I can stay out of her space while she is here. I have to take very sensitive phone calls, and I need a closed door when I work so common areas are out and my husband uses our bedroom as his home office so that's out too. We don't currently have room in the budget to make an addition to the house or remodel non livable spaces at the moment.
My husband hears my objections and understands them, but he wants to go for it and figures that everything will eventually work out. He doesn't want his daughter to think he is abandoning her.
And I feel for the girl, it would be awful for your dad to say no when you ask if you can live with him! but I have my own kids to think about too and I just do not believe that her living here is in their best interest at all considering their history and our current living arrangements.
Does saying "no" to this put me in evil step mom territory?
EDIT: For the people who want to make me into an horrible homewrecker to go along with being an evil stepmom...
Sorry to disappoint, but we did not have an affair. My husband and my stepdaughter's mom were never married. They were never in a relationship. They were friends with benefits. They bartended together, would shoot the bull, and would sometimes get drunk and fuck (my husband claims he needed beer googles cause she really isn't his 'type"). When my SD's mom found out she was pregnant she told my husband she was keeping it and asked if he wanted to be in the baby's life. They never lived together, except for a few weeks during the newborn stage to help out.
Yes. I had my first before I married my husband. My husband and I were in a long term relationship when I had a birth control malfunction. My husband and I discussed what we wanted to do, and we both decided we wanted to raise the child. A few days later my husband proposed. I wanted to take time to recover from birth and wait until our kiddo was old enough to pawn him off on the grandparents for the week so husband and I could enjoy our wedding. We didn't get married until my oldest was 2.