Adoptive child

I am not the original poster. This is a repost sub. Also first time poster, long time reader so apologies for any issues/formatting errors!

by - Nov 2021

Mood: Hopeful

I (24 F) was given up by my parents as a baby, because they were both eighteen and had no way to properly care for me. I didn't have a very good life until I got into college off of a sports scholarship and it was then that I decided to investigate my past. I found out that my parents were still together, that they had two other kids a lot younger than me and had overall become very successful in life.

I started to feel very resentful and although I almost reached out, I decided that I couldn't. I still kept tabs on them to see how they were doing, how my siblings are and stuff. When I found out that my mother died, I did attend the funeral a few weeks ago. It was a big funeral, a lot of people attended but it wasn't packed cause. The thing is, other than my hair being jet black, I look just like my mother did.

So, when people were leaving, I got spotted by my mother's hysterical great-aunt who assumed I was my mother. I excused myself but I'm pretty sure I exposed who I was cause just a few days ago, my father managed to find me and reached out to me.

When we met at a coffee shop three days ago, he apologized for having given me up, not reaching out sooner and ended up crying over not getting to raise me. Its the first time I saw a grown man cry. He asked me if I needed anything from a car to a place to stay but I couldn't help but feel like I was embarrassing him. So I said goodbye and left but I've received a lot of texts and voicemails from him since then asking why I left early, if I'll meet him again but don't feel like I can talk to him. Then I got a phone call from a woman saying she was his cousin and my aunt and that I should have stayed away because he's inconsolable now and I'm an asshole for choosing a funeral to reveal myself.

I feel like my aunt is right because I've done is brought him new grief after he just lost his wife.

- Dec 2021, one month later

So I'm posting this cause I said I would in a month. Things happened and its gotten better.

The first thing was my aunt (dad's cousin) phoned me like the day after and apologized to me. She told me she practically raised my dad and seeing him like he was made her act without thinking. She told me my dad wanted to see me again and would appreciate it if I would meet her too. I told her how hurtful what she said was and I needed time before seeing her but did agree to meet him.

Fast forward a week I go to meet my dad. I kept rereading everyone's advice and using it to prepare what to say. He was more composed. I told him it hurt me so much to be abandoned and it hurt seeing how successful he was and it made feel not wanted and meeting him made me want to be forgotten. He told me he never forgot about me and showed me a small baby photo of me he keeps in his wallet and told me he still sees me as his baby even though I'm grown. He told me he and my mom used to cry for me every day after giving me up but they still prayed for me every day even until the end. He once again told me whatever I wanted, he could give me if I'd let him. I told him I wanted no money or anything from him and I didn't intend to reveal myself. He told me it was okay if I wanted nothing to do with him but asked I be a part of my mom's great-aunt's life as she hadn't stopped asking about me since exposing me and gave me her address.

He insisted I was always wanted but he always thought Id been adopted and didn't want to ruin my life. And that's something a lot of you said, so I was prepared for it. He asked me to forgive him for not being there for me and said he'd do whatever to be my dad. I guess I realized I could push him away or finally have what I wanted. I told him my teenage fantasy that he'd come save me from the orphanage and we both started crying. He told me we can save each other and I hugged him and forgave him.

Since then I started seeing him more, visit my great-great aunt (every other day (she's started calling me by baby nickname she had for my mom). My dad also started coming to the gym that me, my fiancee and my best friend started after grad. He has been trying to do all the dad stuff I missed out on that we can still do like teaching me how to drive, business advice and stuff. I also finally don't feel so upset over my siblings getting a better life than me. He also got us both into counseling and I've finally been able to talk about all my years in the system before I aged out. He is hosting a New Years Party and asked me to come so I can meet all my relatives, cousins and siblings and yes, I am going.

So I want to thank everybody that prepared me for how he felt in giving me up and how he felt in getting to see me again. I think that if you all hadn't pointed that out to me, I probably would have just tried to stay hidden and I wouldn't have finally gotten a dad.

Reminder, this is a repost, I am not the original poster

Very sorry if this isn't the right thing to ask here.

I want to warn everyone reading that I will be touching on serious child abuse somewhat.

I adopted a child recently, 9 years old, from a heavily abusive 'family'.I've been doing my very best to be loving and supportive but it's been a little rough. They're an absolute sweetheart but extremely timid and scared, they have been warming up and becoming very attached and affectionate but they still have a very hard time grasping that they won't be hurt for having wants and needs or not doing an unhealthy amount of chores or just being a child and making a little noise or having fun or expressing themselves or really anything at all.

They were removed from their 'parents', I must use quotes as they don't deserve that label in the slightest, I'm working from home and I have a lot of time to be with them and care for them thankfully.

They're currently not attending school, only exams, and seeing a psychiatrist to help deal with trauma among other things. They're on the autism spectrum and they have been diagnosed with ADHD.

Lately I've been noticing some things and I suspect that they may want to be a girl. They were born a boy (apologies if that's not the right term, not sure how to describe it), and I want them to feel unconditionally loved and supported in this and everything else but, even though I'm supportive, I unfortunately have little personal experience with transgender topics other than having a trans friend back in college. I want to be a good mum to them but I'm scared of messing up somehow, especially when they're only just starting to feel comfortable around me and only slightly starting to believe that I'll never harm them.

They are very soft spoken and what would traditionally be considered feminine when they express themselves, they seem to be drawn to the less masculine clothes they own, they love the colour pink, though they were scared of expressing that for a while and still seem to try and downplay it. They seem drawn to female characters in fiction, mainly cartoons, books, and videogames, and they seem to relate to them the most and their favourite character in any given media is always female.

In videogames, when given the choice, they pick the female character but seemed scared when I first asked why they prefer it (I meant no harm, I asked with what I hope and I'm pretty certain was a kind tone, I was just curious and wanted to know more about them and ask something fun and lighthearted), I could reassure them that it's okay but they seemed too anxious, shy, and flustered to really give an answer to the question so I didn't push it

We spend a lot of time in the same room as they're scared of being alone and so I get to see what they enjoy and how they interact with certain things quite a lot and I try to engage myself with it to show that I care because I really do, so I notice these things more.

When shopping they also seem to sneak looks at girls' clothes and girls' toys and the like. When they have been 'confused' for a girl once in public (very small frame, really soft voice, shoulder length hair, and obviously still little) they seemed quietly happy about it once they felt reassured that they did nothing wrong. They care about the way their hair and nails look and whenever I've been able to reassure them that they're allowed to express how they want to look they always seem to go for the option I'd describe as pretty, and the least masculine available, as long as I can make it clear to them that it's perfectly alright.

I want to let them have the time and freedom to explore themselves and I don't want to push in a way that would be harmful, I know they're still just a small child as well, but from what I've gathered from the research I did in transgender spaces, puberty blockers are something that could make their future life easier if my suspicions are correct and I definitely want them to have that option.

Please do tell me if I'm wrong or overthinking it, I just want to be a good parent, whatever that entails. Thank you very much for reading all this! If I got anything wrong in a way that's at all bigoted I apologise and please correct me, I want to be better. I apologise for going on for so long.

Edit: Thank you all so incredibly much for all of your responses! It's been overwhelming in the most wonderful way possible and so amazingly helpful, I'll do my best to keep it all in mind and to be the best parent I can be to them. I unfortunately need to head to bed now, but I will read any other responses I may get in the morning and reply then. Thank you all again, truly, this community is absolutely wonderful and I'm more thankful than I could express. Stay safe, you're all valid and you matter, and you all deserve the same care, love, and support that I hope to give them. ❤

Hi, my story is a long one but essentially I was adopted at a few months of age and raised by my adoptive parents from that point on. I am now in my 30s and just starting to process all of my emotional baggage from being adopted because my adoptive parents never really helped me to process my background, and actually made me feel guilty about it. As an adoptee who would much rather be living adult life happily instead of dealing with emotional trauma, here are a few of my suggestions for how to help your adopted child navigate the world. If my post here can help just one adoptee from feeling the pain I feel, it will be worth it.

• Let your child know that they were adopted from a young age, as gently and warmly as possible. This is the one thing that I think my adoptive parents did right.

• Do not expect your adopted child to physically look like you! Do not shame them in any way for their appearance - we already struggling without genetic mirroring and do not need to be criticized or think of ourselves as any different than we already feel. Along the same lines, your adopted child might behave differently than you, have different interests, have a different sexuality, etc. - please be accepting! Please do not judge us for being who we are.

• Please, please never unload your personal fears about adoption on us at a young age. When I was fairly young, my adoptive father told me how scared he was that my biological family would find me and "want me back", or even kidnap me. From that point forward I felt guilty ever bringing my adoption up, and that is why I am just now finally allowing myself to process it at all.

• Do not lie about your adopted child's history! I understand the importance of keeping certain details from your adopted child when they are very young so they do not get confused or face unnecessary pain. But, when they are old enough to handle these issues, give them the information you have about who they are. My parents hid things from me and lied to me about my biological family. This makes me feel sick because it is not their story. It is my story. Remember that you do not "own" your adopted child or their history.

• Allow your adopted child to feel pain and sadness, as well as joy. I know most adoptive parents really want a child, and they want the joy that a child brings into their life. This is fine, I get it. But we are not robots - we are humans. We have feelings. Please allow us to feel sad and hurt sometimes that we were given up by our birth families. Try not to be scared of our sadness. Our losses as well as our wins are part of our story.

I guess that is all I will write for now. I think the take home message is to please, please see your adopted child as their own person with their own story. While I personally am not a huge fan of adoption since it has caused me a lot of pain in my life, I know there are probably very many good people out there who want to adopt a child not only just to start a family, but also to support that child emotionally (which is often what we need most). If you are one of those potential parents, thank you for understanding who we are and doing your research to try and make things just a little easier for your adopted child. My hope is that my thoughts here might help too.

Thank you for reading.

I was adopted as a baby. I’m proud to say I’m adopted and that my bio mom only being 18 made the choice that many others were so against. I have a wonderful relationship with her.

What’s pissing me off: I’ve seen MULTIPLE Tik Tok Live’s and Instagram Live’s of people who aren’t adopted and a few who are.

A woman from last night who I watched on Tik Tok doesn’t have adopted kids and isn’t adopted herself. She called herself a “adoption abolitionist” claiming that adoption is ruining America. That adoption is only about families getting what they want. She went on to read from a book I can’t think of the name of it and I wish I wrote it down, but from what she was reading it was fueling the ideas that adoption is just “legal human trafficking”.

I understand if you’re upset about how your story went or how you’ve seen things happen in rare cases. I truly feel for those who’ve been in those situations and wish them nothing but love. You’re taking away millions of kids opportunities by trying to ban or even abolish the foster care systems and adoption agencies.

I’m not here saying there aren’t flaws, I do wish they gave more psychological resources and gave parents a more trauma infused talk about what things can occur, but that doesn’t mean you can just go out and start abolishing all forms of adopting.

Edit: Holy cow, thank you all for your stories and your side of things. I’m someone who’s open to all sides of things. I didn’t expect this post to blow up the way it did

Last weekend extended family came into town; my fathers cousin, his life partner, and the child they adopted. We live in a southern state, very conservative family, and they are from California. We were instructed not to talk about politics or anything.

I was having dinner with my father last night and he told me "Honestly, I was really unsure about meeting them. I never liked to idea of two people of the same sex raising a child together. But that little boy....I don't think any two people could give him as much love and attention as those two men do. After seeing a family dynamic like that with my own eyes, I really don't see anything wrong with it. I don't think there's any way that they could 'turn him gay', or that anything bad could come from that good situation. It surprised me".

I couldn't be happier or more proud.

As a celebration of nearly an 8 year campaign coming to an end me and another player are looking to get an art commission of our characters who ended up together and adopted a child (they are getting married next session before we face the BBEG, gotta get that plus 2 AC married bonus)

Art would be of our two OC's a female half-elf fighter and female half-elf rogue at home sitting on the couch watching as their child plays on the floor with at least one of their fantasy pets, like an al-miraj (magic bunny with a horn) and a kazoo,as a nod to an ongoing joke, hidden in the background

I've probably already provided more info than needed but we are looking at a budget of around $200~ depending on the final choices of course.

EDIT 1: Thanks for the responses so far, I probably should've said that I am probably looking for something more semi-realism. Going to pass on this thread and some links but feel free to throw your hat in the ring as it may be a bit before anything resembling a choice is reached.

EDIT 2: Thank you all for reaching out. It was tough but we've narrowed it down to a couple of people we will be reaching out to in the future so I'm going to mark this as closed.