this is a community like r/AmITheAsshole except unlike that subreddit here you can post interpersonal conflicts, anything that's AITA but is not allowed there even posting about Scar from the lion king and trying to convince redditors that he was not the AH. rules: don't berate others and no pornography we have children here
About a year ago I was out running errands. My wife was asleep, the kids were playing it was a Sunday. She finally woke up at 1130. She called and asked me where I was. I shared my location I was in Hone Depot or next door at the diner eating. I was 30 minutes away. She demanded I come home right that second. Basically upset she woke up and I wasn’t home. I been up since 630 doing errands, excerising, getting the kids settled, I left out at 10:00 AM. I take care of the kids mainly because I have a flexible schedule. My wife works PT. I make 2x more than her also.
Well I take a hour to get home. She starts calling yelling at me saying I'm worthless, and if don't want to be around the family, she going to take the kids and leave.
Ever since then me knowing how family courts are I felt like I am living with an assassin. She has the target on me and is just waiting to pull the trigger.
I told her numerous times her statements and threats that day highly effected me. I been to therapy and told my therapist.
My wife, my friends, and parents all told me I need to get over it and I'm being sensitive. Obviously my wife was just upset and apologized. Even my therapist said she apologized why isn't that enough?
Well its been a year...im still not over it. Everyone including my wife are acting like everything is great we just took a week vacation in February as a family. I was there but I feel like I can't even openly speak to my Wife anymore because battle-lines have been drawn.
AITA for holding my wife's statements a year later and unable to forgive her? I am acting like everything is fine. To avoid interacting with her I took a second job in the evening after the kids get home from school and finish their homework. So she just thinks I'm busy not avoiding her.
edit Our kids are Elementary age. The kids basically have their own floor with a bedroom, bathroom, and playroom. My office is next to their bedroom.
I have our house wired up with cameras everywhere but our bedroom. I have phone system in our house that our kids can direct dial us at anytime with a push of a button.
My wife has worked PT since our kids were born. But I can control my hours and schedule. So thats why I provide the super-majority of the child-care. I always wake up early usually 530 or 6 I go to bed about 1130 or midnight. I have couple jobs and run a family business. I said I outearn 2x my wife, but thats just from my 9-5. All in its more like 4:1 or 5:1. When our kids were way younger I often took them with me to conduct business. I dont as much anymore, but they come with me to my second job most evenings. Last spring was when I started leaving them home to run around in the morning. Honestly it was more Fall 2022.
My wife typically won't wake up unless she has to work. Getting up on a non-work day is between 10AM-noon regardless of day of week. She goes to sleep between 11PM and 3AM.
I wanted to talk to a lawyer and two business associates said they won't give me the name of a lawyer because Im overreacting. I talked to a couple people older than me both male and female, and they all keep telling me I need to move on and get over it. I have a whole deck of cards to play before I call a lawyer. My buddy who is 55 hung up on me when I asked him. He called me back a week later and said he would drive me to meet with a lawyer if I still wanted to. We live in a large Metro, but a small affluent suburb. The type of place that everyone is very well connected. I took a vacation with my buddy last year and we ran into my neighbor in the airport, by the time I returned home a few days later people at my kids school knew I went out of town and knew my buddies name. I normally walk the same route everyday with our dog. I had a foot injury, and couldn't walk for two weeks. I was in the local pharmacy and some random lady asked me if I was doing okay she hadn't seen me walking and she knows what time to leave for work based on when I walk by the park near her house, lol.
She has threatened to leave me several times we been together almost 20 years. But I always felt she is just acting out or blowing smoke. She put our children in the mix with this threat. I can admit she hasn't made a threat like that since last year. I think she knows she overstepped big time. But I can't help but feel I'm going to get ambushed one day.
Also I went on a couple of websites of divorce lawyers in our state and they have calculators on them for alimony and child support. If she pulls the trigger on this im losing big. We do have a post-nuptial agreement that a lawyer created.
I even talked to a buddy about renting his a studio out of a building he is constructing. Maybe to just sleep somewhere else while I figure this all out. Everyone is telling me to either suck it up or pay up for my freedom.
My therapist in August asked me point blank do I still want to be married. I told him I don't know. But I have did some rough calculations on what that would costs. The number is so big, I don't even know if its worth it. He told me he was in a similar position 15-20 years ago. He still got divorced. He still had to pay, its just money. He said he waited until his youngest turned 18, but he started planning his exit about 8 years prior...which thats the only advice anyone is giving me. Just wait my wife out.
EDIT 2 I do not hate my wife. Just after she threatened to take our children and leave me. I feel as if sge crossed a line where don't know what she is truly capable of. I would never say that, threaten, or do it to her. It hurt me she was willing to go there. I have expressed as much directly to her several times, and to a therapists. She has apologized. But it still bothers me. I'm not considering divorce at this time. But there is an issue. IDK how this looks long-term. Hopefully things get better. Today, I feel things could blow if she chooses. And I'm keeping my distances.