Guerrilla Halal!

Some bigots refuse to eat meat that has been turned towards Mecca and blessed. Ben Pobjie has some bad news for them: you never know where or when the Halal Guerillas will strike.

Check out all our other stuff at http://www.gatheraround.me

In the Name of Balance

It has come to my attention that my latest piece on The Drum has attracted some criticism, along the lines of the assertion that while happy to bash innocent Catholics, I would never have the intestinal fortitude to bash people of alternative faiths.

Or as my most eloquent critic, "maz", writes, "It is not my opion but a fact that you have absolutely no legs to stand on"

To sum up, "You'd never have the guts to make fun of Muslims" is the prevailing attitude.

Now, I realise that the response of some of you readers will be, "What? Are they serious? What kind of fat-brained, worm-faced imbecile would actually possess the dunder-witted gall to voice this argument, given that it's not only factually inaccurate, but an intellectually bankrupt slab of nonsense that rests upon the premise that criticism of the flaws of an ideology or institution is invalid unless accompanied by criticism of the flaws of all other possible ideologies and institutions, as well as the assumption that a commentator or satirist should spend equal time on every potential target for insults or mockery no matter how obscure, inconsequential, anonymous, or devoid of impact upon broader society they are compared to others which exert massive influence over life in this country, are constantly in the public eye, and have recently received blanket coverage in print and electronic media across the country - in other words, commenting on things that matter to one's audience is invalid unless it comes with comment on things that don't? I mean, who are the morons trying to make this thrice-cursed abortion of an argument?"

Pretty harsh there, readers. Rude, almost. You should probably exercise a bit more tolerance before opening your mouth, if the above is all you can say.

Because for my part, I accept my critics' point, apologise for the hurt caused, and have decided to mend my ways. I therefore include below a quick compendium of religious attacks, which can be assumed to be appended to every future article I write on the subject of faith or gods. Ahem:



MUSLIMS! Geez, aren't Muslims crap? Praying five times a day? Geez, get off your knees and do some work. And covering up your women? What are you, gay?

JEWS! Man, do they ever shut up? Seriously, we GET it, Jews; life is hard. Change the record. And stop thinking you're so funny; nobody likes a smart-arse.

PROTESTANTS! Wow, don't get me started on protestants! What's wrong, too gutless to go full-Catholic? Pussies. You're just Catholics with bad taste in music, wankers.

MORMONS! Just piss off, Mormons. Get away from my house, get some better haircuts, and stop believing in idiotic stories about magic glasses. Everyone's laughing at you, dickheads.

HINDUS! What the hell is wrong with you, Hindus? At least Christians have the decency to only have ONE god to act stupid over. You've got like eighty thousand. Pick one, you indecisive sods! Stop trying to confuse us.

BUDDHISTS! What are they up to? Smiling and meditating all the time. They're planning something, crafty little bastards. And what's with the Dalai Lama? Get a new outfit!

SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISTS! What the hell are you TALKING about? Crap!

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES! GO AWAY! WE DON'T LIKE YOU!

BA'HAI! Oh like you're even a real religion. Look at that stupid apostrophe. You're stupid.

SIKHS! Get a haircut.

SCIENTOLOGISTS! Seriously? I mean, really? You're sticking with that? Really? Jesus Christ.

RAELIANS! Aliens? What sort of moron goes around babbling about aliens? People like you need to be restrained with leather straps. PSYCHOS! Don't come near my kids!

KABBALISTS! Look, we know why you picked Kabbalah, and we think it's PATHETIC.

ATHEISTS! Oh, you think you're so frigging clever, don't you? Well, know what? You're BORING. You just BORE us all, all the time. We LIKE church - if you don't like it, stick it up your arse. Go read one of your precious "books" and leave the decent people alone.

AGNOSTICS! Stop being such a bunch of old women. "Ooh, I don't really think we can tell either way, because we -" Oh just PICK ONE! Jesus you people get on my goddamn wick.

SHINTO! I don't even know what shinto is! It sounds bloody stupid though! I bet you're really stupid!

PAGANS! Oh come ON! We all liked fairytales when we were little - why don't you grow up, losers? Liking ugly clothes is not a religion!

WICCANS! Stop calling yourself Wiccans! We all know what you are, and we have the matches ready, Devil-whores!

ANIMISTS! You disgust me.



OK, I think we've covered most of the bases there. Please copy and paste this at the end of all my articles, and we should all be sweet.

And once again, I do apologise for any offence I may have given previously. Thank God the days of bias are over.

We'll Only Have Ourselves To Blame

From the letters page of the Townsville Bulletin, a chilling warning that we would do well to heed, from Patriot Felix Scerri:

Asylum seeking is 'stealthy invasion'


PRIME Minister Gillard wants Australians to freely express their true opinions regarding boat arriving asylum seekers without fear of the usual applied "labels" and I applaud her comments and sentiments and her apparent support of free speech. Simplifying things, I ’ll vote for anyone who will stop these people arriving, and secondly, send all past illegal boat arrivals back to their places of origin.

I feel that the majority of these people are not true asylum seekers. I believe that the real truth is somewhat more sinister and indeed dangerous.

Increasingly, I believe that these continuous boat arrivals are part of an ongoing and deliberate slow and silent invasion of our nation aimed primarily at fundamentally changing the basic make-up of Australian society to one where people of the Islamic faith are a major part.

Indeed around the world in recent years we have all seen the results in countries where a large infiltration of people of Islamic faith has been achieved, and Australia is heading down the same path, it would seem.

The ugly events surrounding the Cronulla riots some years ago show very clearly what we can expect from these asylum seekers of the Islamic faith once their numbers reach a certain threshold in the population.

While Islam is one of the world ’s great religions with aspects which I somewhat admire, sadly in the "real world" Islamic extremism has become associated with some unfortunate, violent and destructive realities, and with very good reason.

I was frankly shocked while watching the 7.3O Report on ABC TV the other night and Kerry O ’Brien detailed the large and accelerating numbers of "asylum seekers" who have easily reached Australian shores without any impediment at all in recent years.

As I watched with my family I asked them if these arrivals met the definition of an "invasion".

Everybody said 'yes'. I honestly hope that my fears are completely unfounded, however after very considerable thought on the subject, this is the only conclusion that I can come to. I think we should all be very concerned and worried.

FELIX SCERRI, Ingham.

The government, clearly, has some very serious questions to answer:

1. Why do you keep letting in people who want to fundamentally change the basic make-up of Australian society?

2. When are you going to put up some impediments around our shores?

3. Why do you insist on making policy without any meaningful consultation with the Scerri family of Ingham?

Someday we will regret ignoring Felix's warning. Someday we will look back and realise: he knew it was an invasion, his family were unanimous on it, yet we were deaf, and now our basic make-up is changed and there's nothing we can do about it.

Don't say he didn't warn you.

Handy Hints for Non-Terrorist Muslims

In the latest development in my lifelong struggle to get humourless people to send me death threats, I give you:

Tasteless jokes about Muslims!