Originally posted in r/AITAH

2 Updates - Medium

Original Post - October 11, 2023

1st Update - October 12, 2023 (1 day after Original Post)

2nd Update - October 13, 2023 (2 days after Original Post)

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I (53F) have been married to my husband Peter (M51) for 17 years. We have two kids, Joan (15) and Eric (17). Peter and I have been best friends for the majority of our time together, but things changed.

About a year ago, Peter got into a car accident. He got hit by a drunk driver, and was in a coma for a month. It was a really rough time for the family, and the kids and I were pretty much constantly by his side when we weren't at work or school.

Thankfully, he pulled through, and he was able to get back to his life after months of recovery and intense physical therapy. Things started to feel like they were going back to normal, until he became super religious a few weeks ago. He started to believe that god had saved him, and that he needed to use the second chance he was given to spread the gospel.

I'm all for people expressing their religion, but he has latched on to a very conservative type of christianity, and it is causing a lot of friction between us. Eric is currently in his senior year of high school, and is working on the college application process now. Joan has been watching this and is very interested. The other day, she came to me crying, saying she'd asked her dad what colleges were good for computer science, since she's been very interested in coding for a while now, and her dad said she wouldn't be going to college, since her future job was to be a wife and mother, and college would be wasted on her.

To say I was furious would be an understatement. I went to him and asked him why he said that. He replied that he was spreading the good word, and he wanted to make sure we didn't lead our children into a sinful alternative lifestyle. I asked him if he expected me to quit my job (I work from home as an accountant) and focus on being a wife and mother too, and he said that he'd wanted to talk to me about this for a while.

He said that he wanted me to quit my job, since it is not suitable for a woman. This absolutely blindsided me, since he'd never expressed anything like this before. I told him that I would not be quitting my job, and our daughter would go to college, whether he approved or not. He rolled his eyes, and said I'd come around.

It escalated last night. Joan was going to go to the movies with a couple friends, and she came down wearing a pair of jeans and a crop top. Typical teenager stuff, nothing she hadn't worn before. Peter stopped her, and told her she had to change. She asked why, and he said he wasn't going to let her leave the house looking like a skank.

I was shocked, he'd never used language like that before. I told her to leave just as she was, and she left. Peter asked if I even cared about our daughter's soul, and I told him it's her body, she could dress herself how she wanted. He said her body is the property of god, not her, and that I needed to respect his religion. I told him I'd never respect a religion that treats women like second class citizens, and he left the house in a huff.

He hasn't come back yet. AITAH?

Relevant Comments:

NTA.

While I appreciate that some people can have deeper connections with religious beliefs after a traumatic experience, I do wonder if a traumatic brain injury contributed to this swift and polarizing change.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Another User Adds:

Yep. Pulling such a 180 over the course of only a few weeks following major head trauma SCREAMS neurological incident.

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NTA. He has gone on the deep end of fucked up religions, he has a right to practice his chosen faith but not force it upon others or use it to opress people.

Him wanting your daughter not to go to collage but be a a stay at home mom and a wife and saying that her body is the property of "god" is absolutely BS.

You might need to start looking for a safe place to be if his views are that women are the property of god and then probably their husband down the line.

What he said makes me think that he might do something drastic to you or your daughter, please be careful.

OOP'S Reply:

The kids and I are currently staying with my dad. I told him he has to think over what's more important, his family or his religion.

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NTA, looks like you're headed for divorce. Get your financials protected now! He isn't going to change.

OOP's Reply:

I've got my own savings. All we have shared is a fun money account.

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1st Update - October 12, 2023 (1 day after Original Post)

Hey all. Thanks for the concern and kind words, I really needed it.

First things first, I'm safe, and I'm out of the house with my kids. A lot of you expressed concern about their safety and my financial security, and I want to assure you that is being taken care of. We are safe and with my dad, and my finances were already largely separate. We have a joint account, but that's a small "fun money" account for movie tickets, dinners out, and stuff like that.

I have my own savings that he cannot access. My mom had a gambling addiction when I was a kid that nearly ruined our finances, so my dad made me promise I'd have my own savings. Turns out he was really smart to say that.

Some people suggested looking for a counselor for Joan, and thankfully the kids already had a therapist for anxiety after the accident, and as soon as we left the house we scheduled an emergency session to make sure they can process everything that's going on.

A lot of you said Peter needed to see a doctor because this could be a symptom of a TBI, which I agree with. The problem is, since he was discharged months ago and the more worrying symptoms happened recently, I can't force him to get treatment, especially since nothing he said would be considered "threatening."

I had a call with him yesterday. He asked where I was, and I refused to tell him. He didn't get upset, thankfully. He asked why I took the kids and left, and I told him he wasn't the man I married anymore. I told him that things seemed to be getting worse, and that I needed him to see a doctor because this wasn't normal. He dismissed all of my concern, saying that he was finally being the sort of man he was supposed to be, and that the "medical mafia" is trying to make the godly parts of him disappear.

I again told him that he wouldn't be seeing the kids or me until he saw a doctor. As soon as I said that he hung up.

I already blocked him on social media, but my brother sent me a screenshot soon after of a facebook post he made. It was an unfocused rant that went on for several paragraphs about how doctors and satan had gotten to me and that I was hurting our daughter by letting her wear "sinful clothing" and that I was setting her up to be harmed by vicious men in the workplace.

All the comments were his friends telling him he was scaring them, nobody was on his side. He said they had to cast satan out of their hearts.

When I saw this, I couldn't stop crying. I knew it was over then. There's no way I could make him better if he doesn't want to get better. I sat the kids down and told them I was going to start the process of getting a divorce. They took it really well, and Joan just kept saying thank you.

I asked her if anything had happened other than words from him that I didn't know about, and thankfully she said no, and Eric said the same.

So that's pretty much where things are. We're safe, and he can't get access to my finances. I'm looking for a place of our own since the house is in his name, and I'm going to send my brother and his husband to get our stuff while he's at work tomorrow. I'm looking into lawyers now.

Thank you all for everything, and I'll update as things continue.

Relevant Comments:

I'm so sorry you have to go through this but this line:

"They took it really well, and Joan just kept saying thank you."

This says so much about the situation, if or when you have doubts about your decision, remember his behaviour made his own daughter thank you for divorcing him.

I'm proud of you OP. You made the hard choice, instantly and for your children's sake. You win big parent points.

Please keep us updated when the dust settles.

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I’m so sorry this has happened but you were right to separate the kids from him. I still think he needs medical help but you are by no means a professional and not obligated to endanger yourself in order to get him to listen. If things escalate he can be detained and sent for medical treatment but that is not a process you want to be on the front lines for.

Best fo luck to you family, I hope everyone is okay.

OOP'S Reply:

Thank you. The kids are as alright as they can be expected to be.

To which another user asks:

He may show up at their school. Inform the school that he is not allowed to remove them from school.

OOP's reply:

They've been made aware of the situation.

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“Sending my brother and his husband”

I would be VERY careful about sending a gay couple to the house of a religious fanatic going through a family & mental health crisis.

I’m really sorry about what you’re going through. But I would think about that one, be really sure they’re going to be safe. If there is literally any other option (besides you and the kids), I’d go with that.

OOP'S Reply:

They're going with several other friends. Plus, his husband grew up in a town where guys like him were the norm, so he knows how to handle himself in situations like that.

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2nd Update - October 13, 2023 (2 days after Original Post)

Hey people. First off, I'm still safe, and the kids are still safe. I've got news for all of you. I don't want to call it good news, but it's taken a load off my chest.

A few hours ago, my husband called a coworker of his and tried started rambling about his current situation, during which he mentioned suicide.

As soon as the conversation ended, he called 911, and since this was the first time he made a threat to himself, my husband was put into a 5150 hold.

He's going to get medical treatment, finally.

Thanks again for all the support and the kindness you have all shown. If there's any other updates, I'll let you know.

Relevnt Comments:

You should absolutely try to get in contact with wherever he's being sent and let them know you suspect he has a TBI.

OOP'S Reply:

I very much will.

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It will make it easier for OP to go back home and clear out her and her children's belongings since her husband won't be there.

OOP'S Reply:

That's going to be taken care of this morning.

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Flagged as ONGOING - Hoping OOP's story resolves in a positive way for her and her kids, despite the situation they are on now.

I am not OOP. Please do not harass OOP.