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People go to HR about us? (self.AutisticAdults)

submitted by Prudent-Experience97

Hello community, just here to express how shocked I am upon finding out how common it is for people to go to HR over coworkers not saying hi often enough (currently my case).

I went into the HR office today on my own accord to talk about an incident that took place yesterday between myself and the HR lady I had gone to see. HR knows about my autism, and they're all cool about it and this particular lady and I have no beef. During our interaction I mentioned how I become self conscious about the way that I present, and she looked at me with so much pity and said that she never knows what to tell people because she didn't know if it was okay for her to share that I am autistic. I told her I wasn't aware that it got brought up so frequently, and she looked at me with even more pity and told me that people come into her office quite frequently to complain that I don't seem friendly, that I don't say hi all the time and that I don't smile. It really seemed like it was a frequent occurrence from the way she gestured about it. Anyway, I told her it was okay to tell people that I'm autistic and that I'd rather have people know that then think I'm being a total bitch on purpose. She said that she will be explaining that to people now that I've given her the okay.

I just didn't realize how bad the situation was, nor did I think that it was something that affected people so drastically that they needed to go to HR. I can understand where people are coming from, because I do have a really melancholy demeanor, but I feel like maybe I'm a bit offended that they took it to HR.

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[–]dededelie 324 points325 points  (13 children)

are neurotypical people okay?

[–]Prudent-Experience97[S] 137 points138 points  (1 child)

Sometimes I really want to put this on a T-shirt

[–]SpectrumFlyer 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Imagine being a fully grown adult and getting so mad someone said hi to you you filed a report.

Like, this is the world. This is real life. And we are the odd ones for just leaving people entirely alone. Utterly baffling.

[–]butinthewhat 73 points74 points  (0 children)

No, sadly they are not.

Source: this post and all of our entire lives

[–]Jealous-seasaw 48 points49 points  (3 children)

Nope. They get upset if you don’t follow their rules, but you can’t get upset it they don’t follow your rules.

[–]Byabbyab 37 points38 points  (2 children)

You also CANT get upset if they dont follow THEIR OWN rules.

I cant tell you how many times ive been reprimanded for my "tone" yet notice others can be as rude as they want without any repercussions.

Infuriating.

[–]ArchipelagoArchitect 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OH do not even get me started on that, happens all the time during the occasional tiff between myself and one of my family members. It honestly feels like getting picked on, singled out.

[–]-wanderlusting- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This!!!

[–]SuperDurpPig 7 points8 points  (1 child)

r/arethentsokay

[–]iguananinja 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OMG, that's hilarious. I had no idea this subreddit existed. Right now I resisting the urge to do a deep dive in there

[–]skyehobbitSelf-diagnosed 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I once had to tell my division president that a couple employees felt ignored because he didn't specifically say hi to them. He would come in and give a general "hey everyone" kind of greeting.

NTs are not ok. At least, these ones weren't. ETA: they were all older, in their 50s, which may have bearing on their preferences.

[–]0ooo 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No, they're neurotypical.

[–]ceruleanarc4 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They really don't seem okay.

I mean, how sad does your life have to be before you get upset that a random coworker won't say hi to you out of the blue?

Something you said made me think you're a woman? If so, double-fuck them for going to HR because you won't smile enough.

[–]External_Industry509 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They’re Neuro-Needy

[–]eli--12 104 points105 points  (4 children)

I've actually had coworkers directly confront me about not looking/sounding happy enough. Like pretty aggressively. I wouldn't be surprised to learn coworkers have gone to HR about me. I am the kind of person that doesn't speak unless spoken to in most cases, and I guess that bothers people.

[–]Jaded_Lab_1539 88 points89 points  (0 children)

I've actually had coworkers directly confront me about not looking/sounding happy enough. Like pretty aggressively.

My least favorite NT personality type... the ones that create aggressive confrontations over someone else not being smile-y enough.

They never see the irony.

[–]95100295 47 points48 points  (0 children)

One time, at an old job, we had a new employee start. I am just generally a reserved person, and like you, I don’t really speak until spoken to. I like to listen and observe. Anyway, it was our first morning meeting with this new employee, and my boss, in front of everyone, said “Oh, this is 95100295. She’s not a morning person.” I was so taken aback! Also, I was currently training this girl, so we had already met and spoken and seemed to get along fine?? I had no idea it bothered my boss so much that I didn’t say good morning right off the bat. I was more in the mindset that I didn’t want to bother her in her office just to tell her good morning, since she always seemed so busy. Had no clue I was supposed to intrude just to give a greeting when we saw each other every single day.

[–]mabhatter 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I do that too... but mostly because if you do speak to me I won't shut up. You're getting an IT lesson for free!

[–]Obversa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same here, especially when I worked for Chick-fil-A and in retail. I'm sorry you experienced that. (From what I understand, Disney also has the same "you must smile 24/7" requirement.)

[–]TiggersBored 79 points80 points  (4 children)

I think the false happiness expected in western culture is abominable. It's been pressed into me so hard since early childhood, I feel like a goddam clown. Smiling like an idiot, laughing about every stupid thing.

It's been so trained into me with consequences for not doing it. It's become so ingrained, it makes me feel horrible. People assume I'm some happy go lucky person now. Or, they think I'm bonkers because I can never seem to get eye contact right. So, here I am laughing and not looking at them or smiling and giving a psychotic amount of eye contact. I can't win. I wish someone would give me the guidebook already. I'd set timers for all of it just to be perceived as ordinary.

[–]bhongryp 30 points31 points  (3 children)

You didn't actually ask for advice so this may be totally out of line, (and I might be totally wrong even if I'm in line) but I think the secret to non-psychotic eye contact is to treat it as "facial observation" - it's no so much about looking at their eyes as it is about obviously observing their facial expressions. So your gaze might 'wander' across their face based on what part of it is currently the most animated while they're talking,like if they smirk or raise an eyebrow.

A word of caution: I have also observed that spending too much time looking at someone's mouth can cause them to believe I have sexual intentions or subtext, and have been told by a few NT's that watching someone's mouth is something they do when they want to kiss or be kissed, so be careful, I guess? I'd also like that book if/when it exists.

[–]TiggersBored 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Haha! That's not at all out of line. I do use what you're talking about. But, I never seem to look away at the right times or look at them enough. It's a weird balance I can't seem to strike with any semblance of comfort. But, I appreciate where you're coming from.

[–]BudgetInteraction811 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Oh god no! I hate when people are looking around on my face. It makes me feel like I have something like food in my teeth or on my cheek. I also noticed before when I glanced at someone’s teeth very briefly while they were talking to me and they covered their mouth. So I think it makes people feel weirdly observed if it’s obvious you are doing it

[–]TransidentifiedOwO 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Personally I just move my head slightly in their direction and back again every now and then when talking, while trying to time it at the moments where they aren't looking at me (but so they see it in the corner of their eyes that I - supposedly - made eye contact). That seems to give the impression of eye contact without me ever having to actually look at them or them feeling like I'm observing and judging them.

But it's exhausting to time it right and I am not 100% certain it looks normal, it's just that nobody told me to "make more eye contact" ever since I adopted this method and nobody seems to become uncomfortable when I do it so it's probably ok

[–]thewayilikeme 60 points61 points  (0 children)

I got written up for “over complimenting” someone at work. I never spoke to someone at that job outside of my direct tasks again. Then I was accused of being antisocial and not a “team player”

[–]turkeytwizzla 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Being neurodivergent in the workplace is a minefield. My partner has ADHD and has been complained at for defending himself against criticism. He doesn't understand that when you get criticism you are supposed to be like "okay, sorry, will do better", god forbid you present them with evidence to suggest their criticism is unfounded. It's a different language.

I also got complained at as autism gives me a strong sense of social justice, so I spoke privately to a colleague about how unfairly I felt they were being treated by their supervisor... only for the colleague to report me to the supervisor for getting too involved! If I keep out of it though, then I'm being off with people. The neurotypical world is very confusing!

[–]Duinedubh13 25 points26 points  (0 children)

That’s why the goal is remote work for me. I seriously can’t deal with these silly interpersonal dynamics.

[–]Spinly0530 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I was in the same boat with my last job at a food lion, my manager was like you need to say hi and stuff I told her I'm better off getting carts or help bag where I don't have to talk to people because I feel anxious and weird talking to strangers.

[–]FrogPuppy 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Jesus. Imagine going around complaining to HR that someone isn't fucking constantly happy and smiling enough. Who does that? Also how fucked are your expectations if you think that everyone should be constantly smiling and happy.

[–]rimu 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Who does that?

The kind of people who would make things even more difficult if they knew OP had autism. Letting HR tell them is a really bad idea.

[–]PartUnable1669 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yes, I have had my reports go to my manager or HR for my “rudeness”. I no longer have any reports…which is honestly probably for the best in some ways, though it means I don’t have any help for menial tasks like filing.

[–]economicplunge2038 8 points9 points  (1 child)

I work as a stockbroker for a retail trading firm and have dealt with so many conflicts with coworkers because of my autism it's unbelievable. On any team setting I'm always the black sheep because of the way I communicate. And since I rarely engage in smalltalk my coworkers never get to know me, thus they make assumptions in their minds about who I am. Then a sort of coup forms against me from my own coworkers/team. And so they complain about me to their manager or HR. Luckily being autistic and being hyperfixated with econ and finance has allowed me to perform my job well above the average. I have received multiple promotions and bonuses by constantly keeping high metrics. So I have moved to many different teams now as a result. However the results are always the same, no matter how hard I work my team never seems to judge me by my work performance but rather by how interested I pretend to be in their stupid smalltalk. So I always get hated on no matter what because I too am melancholy. I just try to ignore it and just make sure when it comes to my job my performance is always above the average. So no matter how many times they complain about my melancholy ass it don’t matter because I’m here to stay because of the results us autistic people can deliver when put in the right job function and industry.

[–]Jaded_Lab_1539 2 points3 points  (0 children)

God, this is where I went wrong -- not going into an industry with more verifiable metrics.

The amount of work years I wasted thinking people cared about results, to finally eventually learn that all most of my bosses cared about was me making them feel personally great. The results of the actual work were, in fact, completely irrelevant.

[–]Geminii27 5 points6 points  (0 children)

people come into her office quite frequently to complain that I don't seem friendly, that I don't say hi all the time and that I don't smile

I've had complaints. I ask them to point out where I'm contracted to do those things for money.

It's always from people who think everything is about them, too. None of them ever consider that I am the same way to every person; I'm not 'targeting' them personally, whatever that might mean. It can be fun asking the complainer whether they want me to treat them exactly the same way as I treat everybody else, and if they say they want me to change for everyone, I ask them if they're prepared to change their entire personality and life just because I find it annoying and irritating.

[–]BudgetInteraction811 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Every time I start a new job I learn all of the ways my normal behaviour (which is friendly in my opinion) is considered rude. I didn’t know for months that my coworkers thought I was rude because when I went off to the store on my break I didn’t ask them if they wanted anything. They genuinely considered me a snobby b*.

[–]Serif-fires 4 points5 points  (0 children)

For this reason, my task list includes things like “say hi to so and so” and I approach it the same way as the rest of my work. I did a little social experiment in a short term job recently and found a measurable negative difference in people’s willingness to work with me when I “only” did my normal tasks without my self assigned social tasks. I view it as stakeholder management and approach it accordingly.

Weird and it doesn’t make sense to me intuitively but I’ve experienced the clear results 🤷🏻

[–]StrangFrut 19 points20 points  (6 children)

this makes me wonder if all those boomer assholes were right about the snowflakery. If u have a whole job with an HR (I could only imagine such a grown up income), but u can't handle someone not saying hi to u to placate yr insecurity, u might be snowflake. Imgaine running to tattle on someone becuz u can't handle mature respectful interpersonal confrontation. & that it's about how someone doesn't smile enuf. Jeee Susss!

How common is it? U said u found out how common it is, so is this like the 3rd person, or what?

The real question is, does HR know they're ridiculous? There are ridiculous people out there & one can't take it personally or feel bad about it. Someone is ridiculous & u happened ot be around them, so u expereience their ridiculousness. That's what happened. Unless u get in trouble, then u also have a ridiculous HR dept to deal with. Still not anything u did.

I don't understand where people are coming from? If u have to accept them being pathetic with no complaint, why can't they let u be a melancholy demeanored person? Like what's it to them? I don't take it personal when someone is just being who they are, doing their job in the same bldg as me. That's baby shit. As a poor person, I'd love one fo these decent jobs with an HR department & I'd behave more maturely than apparently many employees do, since stories like this seem the norm at middle class jobs. I never dealt with this bs with working class people. It's always in places with an HR dept. It's like their is something in the selection process whether in house, or just culturally, that filters more of the childish & petty into those jobs. Maybe cuz they select for people who did good in school since early on, which means obedient people who aren't troubled by independent thinking making life challenging for them. They make good employees becuz they don't question & enjoy praise for completing someone else's tasks, but not the greatest character. Just a sociological hypothesis.

Anyway, have u thought of smiling more, honey. Ima go to HR if u don't start smiling at me.

[–]Prudent-Experience97[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

HR was not scolding me, but they suggested that it was an "all the time" sort of ordeal. They've never actually came to me with any of it, because I disclosed my autism to them off the bat in anticipation of misunderstandings. We were having a different conversation and then it just came up.

We are a large enough company to have an HR department, but that doesn't mean everyone here is in a "grownup" profession. I work at a retirement village in the front lobby of our Health Center. I'm guessing the people complaining might be some of the kitchen/caregiving/housekeeping staff who come and buy food from our shop and stuff like that. I'm definitely not knocking on those professions because I have a long history of doing housekeeping and kitchen jobs, but I'm guessing it's them because they don't know me as well and these particular coworkers generally seem a little more.. well... less self-regulated.

That being said, I've also had similar problems when I worked at smaller places, just without the HR department. For example, I was a prep cook at a restaurant and some of the serving staff would come back and get mad that it was too quiet and that my coworker and I weren't talking enough. Then they all started gossiping about me because they'd come in the back and try to gossip to me about other people but I never really participated in it, so they thought I was pretentious

[–]95100295 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I posted a comment further up as a reply to someone, but I definitely know how you feel. I think this happens to me way more than I probably realize.

[–]neonboom 2 points3 points  (1 child)

HR really doesn’t want to deal with these types of problems. I’ve only worked in companies with HR departments and the only time people have complained to HR about another employee is when there was sexual harassment that didn’t stop after going to the boss. HR is supposed to be a last resort once you’ve already tried to resolve an issue yourself or discrimination that you need documented, not for petty squabbles about someone “not smiling enough”.

And I guarantee you boomers are also complaining to HR about people not smiling enough.

[–]StrangFrut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

are u allowed ot go to HR to complain about a coworker who goes to HR to complain about u not smiling enuf? Cuz to me that seems valid. At that point they're maliciously trying to destroy yr income which, unlike not smiling enuf, is a serious issue. Tho, the person already went to HR to tell HR that they're trying to destroy yr income when they complained about u not smiling enuf, so u don't need to tell them.

The question is, do they do anything about that harrassment.

[–]AnarchyBurgerPhilly 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I honestly think exposure to lead paint informs the behavior of the boomer generation more than we give it credit for.

[–]StrangFrut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the lead strengthened their internal foundations so they could resist the snowflakery?

They took the lead out of the gasoline in the US in the early 80s or maybe late 70s (which I assume ended up in the air as lead fumes), & violent crime rates have been decreasing since. Coincidence?

[–]poopinuppickinspips 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It’s exhausting but I’ve just started cheerfully whistling or quietly singing at all hours of the day that I’m around anyone else just so they know that everything is fine, I’m just concentrating

[–]Achylife 5 points6 points  (0 children)

When I was a kid I learned this, ended up doing years of stage acting. So I'm really good at automatically putting on an unthreatening warm smile, and saying the appropriate pleasant response. But I hurry on by usually. When I was a kid people always thought I was aloof and intimidating, so they avoided me or talking to me. Being quiet and seemingly aloof caused them to exclude me. I can see how this would translate straight into the workplace.

[–]logalog_jack 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Recently a new lead threatened to pull me into the office for a “talk” about my “attitude”, but I was just mirroring her tone? I know I’m not that great at regulating my tone but jesus, if you sound condescending I’m gonna respond in turn, and it’s not intentional. I hate it here 🙃

[–]Jaded_Lab_1539 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I so relate to this. I once had a business contact explode at me on the phone and start screaming about how I was "the worst person" in our whole industry, "the biggest asshole" in our city, etc. She got so upset she started crying and accused me of trying to drive her insane. I was so baffled by this because I had no feelings about her at all.

In discussions about it with colleagues after, I came to realize this woman was regarded as one of the most infamously mean-spirited bullies in our industry.

Meanwhile, in all my dealings with her I'd just been mirroring herself back at her. People treat others the way they like to be treated, I thought. She's tough, I'll be tough back, I'll just return to her exactly the vibe she's putting out. "People like people that remind them of themselves", was another thing I naively thought. I literally just didn't realize that she wanted her nasty condescension to be responded to with sweet, submissive groveling (and I doubt I would have been capable of doing that even if I had realized).

Sometimes I feel very sad for her when I realize that, when she saw her own personality reflected back at her, her judgment of it was: worst person in the industry, biggest asshole in the city.

[–]HofmansHuffy 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I work a dishwashing job and people come up to me frequently asking me if I’m okay. Like…yes…I’m just doing my job and focusing on it.

[–]OldLevermonkeyAutistic Adult 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You're not very approachable!
Good, it means that I can get on with my job.

Why don't you smile more?
It takes energy.

Why do you never come for a drink after work?
You're my colleagues, not my friends.

You're a bit of a cunt aren't you!
You're learning. Anything else I can help you with?

[–]0ooo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

quite frequently to complain that I don't seem friendly, that I don't say hi all the time and that I don't smile.

I like how the responsibility for this seems to have been implicitly placed on you, instead of being placed on coworkers who are wasting HR employee time (and correspondingly, money through their labor time) with trivial complaints.

[–]Ok-Supermarket-1414 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's VERY strange. AFAIA, people typically only go to HR to complain about more serious matters: theft, bullying, sexual harassment etc, and NOT "(s)he's not friendly". Do you work for a small company, OP? If so, it's a more intimate setting, and I do wonder if they told it to her as an off hand remark, rather than a formal complaint.

[–]Acanthaceae_Square 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Never exactly this, but I’ve been spoken to before about my facial expression my whole life, both as a child (Disney world was fucking brutal- got straight up harassed by some of the characters) and in workplaces. I’m a social worker and had an intern supervisor tell me I ‘didn’t seem very social worky’ because of my presentation. Also got spoken to because I bluntly but professionally refused a request from a lateral colleague that was straight up an unsafe terrible idea I would’ve gotten in trouble for doing (literally just told them No I won’t do that). Was told ‘maybe I don’t understand the culture there’, and apparently I didn’t because I don’t like to waste my time with bullshit

[–]VladSuarezShark 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sounds like a toxic workplace. The thing about NT's is that they aren't intrinsically cunts, but they will often go out of their way to fit in with cunts. Our "disability" is in large part our inability to fit in with cunts.

[–]S4dgowl2345 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm a Sales Associate so my job is obviously very social but because it's part of my work routine to greet customers and to ask certain questions I don't mind it. I can approach it in the same way as I would approach a stock replenishment task. While we are rather casual at my store and don't have scripts of what to say, I try to mirror how my other coworkers talk to customers so I have an idea of when and how to say things. I know that if they are looking at an item for a long time then I should ask them if they need a hand or if they've been in store for a while looking around then ask if they are looking for something in particular. Also using hyperfixation to pay attention to whether they are smiling or have headphones in and small details that could affect interaction. Apart from a couple moments of echolalia, I don't think my coworkers picked up on anything (haven't disclosed as lack of official diagnosis). Not sure if I ever will mention it as, while I love the people I work with, I don't want them to see me differently.

[–]SuperDurpPig 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"We might act a little weird but we don't bite I promise!"

[–]viridiformica 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't take what she said literally - it's quite a rare thing, so even if it happened once she might describe it as 'all the time'

[–]MoonyGraham37 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I used to get talked to a lot about my tone when I had no idea that I was even coming across as giving attitude. It quickly created a complex and now I apologize just for opening my mouth most of the time.

[–]Yellowjacket95 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If I wanted to smile and talk to people at work I'd do a play. I'm here to get paid and leave, why is that so weird lol.

[–]ill-disposed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I got a write up for it

[–]RunemasterLiam 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can't really say because legislation here is too vague, but isn't this grounds for a lawsuit? I mean, this is pretty much screwing our livelihoods over just because we were born with a differently wired brain while being otherwise fully functional adults.

[–]AnarchyBurgerPhilly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have no HR to tell me why my interpersonal relationships don’t work. Historically, I have been told I push people away. It’s always when I think I’m trying my hardest to be nice to them. They always give me this “you know what you did” attitude. I do not know what I did.

[–]Elon_is_musky 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here I was, all my years of working, afraid to tell my higher ups about the multiple times I’ve been sexually harassed, but people are complaining that you don’t SMILE?!? I legit thought HR was supposed to be final case scenario, shit is currently hitting the fan & flying all over the room, yet NTs use it like a complaint box? I wish I’d known, I had many a thing to complain about!😂

[–]AppState1981 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It won't do any good. Anyone who is that controlling will not accept any response.

I worked in the same building with a woman who would not speak to anyone except people she thought could benefit her professionally. We even went to the same college. I would speak and she would just ignore me. Someone started a rumor that we dated in college and that's why she wouldn't speak. I ended up in HR because they thought I was telling people that.

I was raised in the South so I was trained to always speak when spoken to.

[–]Taladanarian27 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve experienced this before. In fact it’s why I was fired from my last job. I was always perceived as rude and closed off because I never said hi to anyone, never made eye contact, always kept my door closed. Etc etc etc. Same deal at my current job though it isn’t as bad. But I’ve gotten in trouble a few times because I’ve had moments where I was a bit too autistic for other peoples’ liking. Usually just me saying things that come off as rude because of the way I said it. I never really know when I make a mistake all the time. I just get told later by management how close I am to losing my job. Then I ask what’s been going on and they’re always so surprised that I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong. with my current job I am keeping my HR guy pretty close because I gotta protect myself. Learned that the hard way after many jobs going sour because people stop liking me

[–]Freshlyhonkedgoose 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have received counsel from HR about not being friendly enough, because when people come to interrupt my workflow with silly social stuff rather than actual work questions, I do tend to respond to them flatly, though with effort to not be rude. Like if Susan stops by for the 3rd time in an hour to "chat", I will tell her "Hey, I know you aren't busy, but if I stop now I'm not gonna be able to get back on track to finish this, another time, ok?"

I am apparently "extremely abraisive" because I have a disability accomodation on record to not bother me if I have a specific color paper tacked outside my cube. I just hate having my workflow messed with.

[–]Dekks_Was_Taken 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's none of their business, you don't need to be "friends" with your co-workers you need to be able to work with them and there needs to be basic mutual respect. You don't need to act like pals and have smalltalk and if people are bothered by that ask the HE lady to say it to your face.