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Comment by Marsha H on June 7, 2017 at 3:31am

Mary.Jane ...  Believe it or not the way you are feeling is very normal in the journey of grief.  Each person is different, but for myself I had the hope it was all a bad dream; Ernie was away and he'd be home soon and I knew deep down it was wishful thinking.  I got so much done to the house and inside the house as if preparing for his return.  Each year after that I seem to be all over the place and part of it is financial; having to pay everyone to get something done.  I do what I can.  I said the same thing you did, 'What's the point.'  I also have changed sleeping habits and I'm a night hawk and get up around 10 AM instead of earlier because to me it's just more hours to think about my beloved.  You may not feel like you are getting stronger, but you are.  Please just go with the flow; do what you can and when you want and remember, your daughter and yes, your cat love you and would be lost without out you.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and it's just getting through the journey of grief before we get there. 

What I've learned from grief ...  I'm stronger than I thought even though I've always been a strong woman; I'm more to the point with people and don't play games socially as I feel it's a waste of time and I was surprised people complimented me on that trait.  I have become humbled, more compassionate, more intuitive into the reality of WHAT REALLY IS GOING ON WITH PEOPLE SUCH AS OURSELVES; and when I feel like crying sometimes I do, but mostly I poke fun at myself and those that know me here think I have a very good sense of humor.  I'm beginning to become 'me' again little by little and so will you.  Yes, you'll miss Bob until it's time for you to join him, but just sit quietly and think of what Bob would want for you.  He would want you to go on in his memory, take what your learned from him and use it in your life for each person in a relationship gives a true gift of themselves that enhances the other.  I've learned to stand up for myself more and act more like a man doing business.  I don't feel my age, act my age and I have most of my mental faculties.  LOL  I'm tough, but gentle; compassion, but sometimes blunt when needed and I stand strong for the memory of Ernie.  So my dear friend don't be afraid of this new feeling because you are simply healing through raw grief and it will ebb to a dull roar.  You are NOT alone!  We're all here for you!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 6, 2017 at 11:35pm

STeve, I just Googled STASIS, and, yep. Good word, that is how I feel. Thanks

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 6, 2017 at 11:29pm

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. Today has been a very ODD day. I am not depressed, but I am realizing that the last year right after Bob died, wans a "day at the beach." Compared to what is happening now. I think people should give initional condolences, then wait for a year, then come back and support you again,,because now I am starting to remember...and it has left me frozen. Each morning, I get up, have coffee and watch insipid TV till noon, when I take my shower, then try to get through the rest of the day. I know I'd I were in better health I might b able to accomplish more, but I seem numb, with the realization that Bob is really gone. I cannot seem to do anything...even simple things go undone because I can't seem to accomplish anything. Last year, when I actually thought he would come back, I could function...but this second year of realization has crippled me. I DIDN,t know this would happen, I thought time would make me stronger, but it has the opisite effect. My thought are "What's the point?" If it wasn,t for caring for my cat, and the love of my daughter, I wouldn,t even bother getting out of bed. I hope this feeling goes away...I think I will be better when the weather cools. I am so thankful I have YOU GUYS to help me get thorugh this..I need to Start selling stuff on EBay, but it seems so daunting I just don,t do it. I feel I am wasting each day, but doing nothing but the bare minimum. Thanks for listening.how do y'all get through this? I just feel so alone and helpless.

Comment by Marsha H on June 6, 2017 at 2:36pm

Dear Steve ...  Thank you so much for sharing that post.  I am so sorry your sister passed on and she was one strong lady.  I know how devastating Pancreatic Cancer is because as you know my Ernie passed from that and it's not just so hard to see them in that state and not being able to do anything for them.  Ernie never got a chance to take Chemo as he only had approximately 2 weeks to live and his body was not strong enough.  I know that feeling of having to hide how we feel deep inside when we see someone we love struggle day to day with not a happy ending and we ourselves are not well.  When Ernie was ill and at home I would have 'shower cries' because that's the only time I could release how sad and out of control I really was.  I had always gotten him through other health issues, but this time it was not to be.  What a useless feeling!  My biggest fear is being alone and not well.  I am one tough lady, but there will come a time I will have to have someone to lean on and living alone is no fun.  My immediate family is caught up in their own lives and I can't depend on them.  Friends have their own problems and spouses and have their hands full.  I am limping through life right now and won't give up and pray soon this Sciatica will settle down as I don't do well sitting still throughout the day and like to keep busy to keep my mind off things. 

You certainly know how I feel.  It takes me a good hour or so to get moving with this Sciatica and I limp off and on throughout the day.  I have a good day and then a bad one.  My physiotherapist said that it could be 3 weeks or more before I'm able to walk like a normal human being.  LOL  Whoever said getting older were 'the golden years' had to be blind, deaf and plain stupid!  Funny when we were younger we never knew what to expect in old age and it sure creeps up on you.

Thank you big brother for your prayers and sharing this most personal post for all of us. 

Love ya

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on June 6, 2017 at 2:22pm

Dear Chuck ...  Thank you for sharing that post and it did put things into perspective and giving each of us 'hope.'  Hope seems to be on the top of my list these days.

I hope you are feeling much better my friend and I think of you often.

Love you little brother

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on June 6, 2017 at 2:21pm

Mary.Jane ...  I sure can resonate to your first laugh.  About 3 weeks after Ernie passed away my family wanted to take me to a comedy club.  I sat there for two hours and felt void of feeling and zoned out.  I had no feelings one way or the other.  Then one day I was visiting friends and someone said something and all of a sudden I started to laugh and I scared myself!  LOL  Tears were rolling down my face and I felt caught in two different directions ...  laughing because whatever was said was funny and the other half of me crying because I thought I had lost the ability to ever laugh again.  I still can find it hard to laugh too often, but it's getting there.

I hope you have a good day my friend and laugh more and more as each day passes.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on June 6, 2017 at 8:41am

Dear Mary Jane,

Your comments about the many boxes you need to deal with before starting your new life immediately prompted me to finally post this thought, which has been circling in my brain for weeks now.

STASIS : A static state or condition in which there is no movement or progress.

I share this definition with you all because the word was used in something sent to me by a dear friend recently who is going through a difficult time - feeling confusion, uncertainty, anxiety...in short all the emotions so commonly discussed in our Legacy family.

His actual quote was "My heart has not hardened nor is it indifferent now. It is just in stasis..."

I don't know if he found this somewhere, or wrote it himself. Although familiar with the term "stasis", I looked it up to be sure of his meaning, and found it was so relevant to my own situation that I saved it to share here. I hope maybe the way this feeling is expressed in this simple message resonates with anyone else who is finding their path a bit steeper and more difficult right now.

Totally unrelated, I too have a thing about spiders...particularly the large wolf spiders!!! Those seem to be waiting in the dark rooms next to the garage or in the basement for me to turn on the light...usually right in the middle of the floor motionless, watching to see what I'm going to do. I'm not usually fast enough to get them, so they scurry under something while I "scurry" away shaking and muttering that whatever it was I needed or planned to do would just have to wait. However, the next time I enter I know it's there somewhere, and that feeling of being watched or stalked is pretty scary, as you are well aware! Sorry to get all creepy on you all.

Wishing all a peaceful day - one that is maybe a little easier than yesterday.

Love,
Chuck

Comment by Diane C on June 6, 2017 at 5:58am

Oh Mary.Jane, I so remember the first time I laughed after Rich died. It was such a strange feeling. I stopped mid laugh and thought what the heck was that. Then I realized that I was finally seeing my way through the fog. And then, just like you I cried. This is all part of our healing process. The funny thing is, I just thought of this memory a couple days ago. Remembering how strange and how good it felt. Just wanted you to know that this is a very normal reaction. Glad to hear you were feeling better yesterday. Hopefully that continues... Have a good day.

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 5, 2017 at 8:04pm

Hey, kids! The most amazing thing just happened to me. I was sort of watching this sitcom that I never watch, it was just on in the background, and for some reason I started paying attention...and suddenly there was a completely unexpected scene..that made my actually laugh out loud...(I guess it is called a "Belly laugh?) but I laughed for almost a minute..it just struck me as SO FUNNY...and then I realized it had been a very long time since I had laughed like that..then of course I started crying...but it felt so good, I decided to share it with all of you.

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 4, 2017 at 4:43pm

Lol..I forgot to thank u for wishing me better health...today. Has been a better day than all of last week..thankfully.

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