26 Tweets About Married Life You Can't Help But Laugh At

Marriage is just a competition to see who had the longer day.

— momma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) January 13, 2016

Pitching a cooking show where the recipe is planned but the husband brings all the wrong ingredients home and I make hot dogs.

— Stacey Sordahl (@DrunkAtThePTA) January 11, 2017

MARRIED SEXT

Her: Is it in?

Him: Not yet

Her: Put it In now!

Him: Ok it's in

Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016

Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017

ME: I’ve looked everywhere for my keys
WIFE: Everywhere?
M: Yes
W: *opens drawer, pulls out keys*
M: That drawer was NOT there 2 minutes ago

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) July 23, 2015

WIFE: don't be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how's the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

— Ally Gator (@notacroc) July 1, 2016

I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017

Marriage is an equal partnership where I get one dresser drawer and part of the closet in the guest room.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 9, 2016

sometimes to spice things up, my wife and i deal an extra card in Apples to Apples lol what even is marriage

— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 14, 2017

Ate my wife's chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn't like those but guess what guys they weren't coffee flavored.

— keith (@tchrquotes) January 11, 2017

WIFE: He won't stop pretending he works for Buzzfeed.
THERAPIST: Any reason for that?
ME: I'll give you 10 reasons and #7 will shock you.

— Floyd (@dafloydsta) January 20, 2017

That "he went to Jared!" ad, but it's my husband walking by a 3 ft ceramic giraffe, rubbing his temples & grumbling "she went to Homegoods."

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 15, 2016

[At dinner with wife's friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) January 7, 2017

ME: I bought you some new undershirts.
HIM: [genuinely] That's exciting.
NARRATOR: Marriage.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 4, 2016

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I'm not sure.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 7, 2014

My wife and I are about to assemble a TV stand as a team.

I'm telling you now because this is probably my last post as a married man.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2017

[leaving for work]
*gives wife a quick kiss*
*spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 18, 2017

My husband falls asleep the second his head hits the pillow if you were wondering how exhausting it is to be married to me.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 4, 2016

me: how drunk was I last night?

wife: you kept saying "bruh" unironically

me: I am so sorry

— paperwash© (@PaperWash) January 1, 2017

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 17, 2016

Marriage is being able to identify your spouses snoring in a pitch black room

— Mr. Hook🇺🇸 (@Phook75) January 21, 2017

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 4, 2016

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you're interested.

— Jeff⚡️ (@JeffSarcastic) September 20, 2016

Wife's all runnin' around buying organic bananas like we're the goddamned Rockefellers!!!

— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) January 16, 2017

It's Friday night and I just spent 3 hours at Pier 1 Imports...

For those of you out there thinking about getting married...

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) April 30, 2016

Wife: You always make me laugh.

Me: You finally get my jokes.

Wife: At you, not with you.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2016