Once we invented the gun, that was pretty much it, right?
Sure, all technology advances, new features are added and the design gets tweaked a little over time, but it usually stays more or less the same.
Cars always have four wheels, a couple of pedals and some seats, no matter how much we end up fussing with them. So guns consist of one handle, one trigger, one barrel and then the bit that kills people.
It's a tube of death; why mess with the concept? Because you're a crazy person, that's why. And that's how we got these:
The
Duck's
Foot Pistol
The duck's foot pistol, so named because its four splayed barrels were shaped like the foot of a duck (back in the
18th century, when ducks were gargantuan, terrifying steampunk monstrosities with pistols for toes), was designed to take on large groups at close range. It was most popular with officers on sailing ships, who often carried a pair of them to, uh, "discourage" potential mutineers in the cramped quarters.
Key Guns
First used in the
16th century, key guns allowed a jailer to keep his weapon throughout the entire extremely vulnerable process of opening a cell door, thus never leaving him unprotected. Well, all except for the times when he's actually using the key/barrel end of the pistol to disengage the lock. That's right, key guns weren't just shaped like keys to throw people off or disguise their nature as pistols -- they're both functional keys and functional pistols (presumably so that if some uppity lock ever has the balls to stick on your watch, you can just shoot it off like a
Renaissance Bruce Willis).
We get the feeling that not all implications were fully considered here. For example: Where do you keep your keys? If you said "dangerously close to my crotch," well, that's a weird way of saying "pocket," but no less technically correct.
Plenty of people keep guns in their crotch area, sure, but what separates this is that the loop of the key (i.e., the place where you hold or pick it up) usually serves as the trigger for a key gun as well. So what are your Weaponized
Door Access storage options? You could always hang it from one of those giant old-timey key rings that medieval jailers use in the movies. But then wouldn't you be suspending the pistol by its trigger and shooting yourself in the thigh with every jangle?
Shit, we give up: If you have a convenient way to handle this thing without turning your own legs into gunshot-wound pie, speak up, because we're drawing a blank (unlike that unstable key gun pointed at your crotch).
This one had to be lit with a cigar, because any cigarless man in the
1850s deserved to die.
The
LeMat Revolver
So hey, pistol lunatic, what's the biggest problem with guns in general? That's right: You just can't hold as many of them as you want. Barring extensive inbreeding or light to moderate
Doctor Octopussing, you only have two hands with which to wield fiery death, and that's
infinity less guns than your insatiable bloodrage demands.
Enter the
LeMat revolver:
Invented in 1856 by
Jean LeMat, a
New Orleans doctor (who apparently considered that whole "first, do no harm" thing more of a suggestion, really), the LeMat was actually two guns in one:
The top barrel fires .42 caliber pistol rounds, while the second, smaller barrel on the bottom holds a load of buckshot. When he was all finished packing guns into his guns, LeMat brought the prototype to his cousin, a
U.S. Army major named Beauregard. Beauregard also thought the gun was a great idea, because gun madness is a hereditary disease passed down along bloodlines, and tried unsuccessfully to get the
Army to equip all of their cavalrymen with it. Though it was powerful, the LeMat was deemed too superfluous and not reliable enough for field use. And man, when the Army turns down your weapon for being too kill-hungry, it's probably time to take a step back and reevaluate your life choices.
Maybe also take some vitamin C (it's a common treatment for gun madness).
- published: 19 Mar 2016
- views: 398