"The Ballad of The Good Lord Nelson" by Lawrence Durrell (read by Tom O'Bedlam)

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• published: 15 Aug 2009
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The picture of Lawrence Durrell was taken in 1960, he was 48. He didn't consider himself to be British, though he was of British parentage, and he didn't spend much of his life in Britain. He writes as an outsider and an observer. Lady Emma Hamilton was the wife of Lord William Hamilton and mistress of Lord Horatio Nelson. Her career started as a prostitute on the streets of Soho when she was 13. Most legendary beauties aren't all that by today's standards, but there is no doubt that Emma was a real cracker. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emma,_Lady_Hamilton She also did Lord Nelson a power of good and it does appear that she loved him. Anyway, there was plenty of sex and that's always a good sign. Their relationship annoyed a lot of people, who probably weren't getting any, and they were criticised and ridiculed. Poor Emma suffered badly after Nelson was killed. http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/british/empire_seapower/nelson_emma_01.shtml Before Trafalgar Nelson sent a famous signal to the fleet: "England expects that every man will do his duty" Here it is in signalling flags http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:England_Expects_Signal.svg Which remainds me of the story of the naval commander's mistress, who was wearing a brooch he had given her which spelled out a message in flags which she claimed said, "I love you." That signal isn't in the book - it actually said, "You have permission to lie alongside." The painting by Nicholas Pocock depicts Nelson's death at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805 "The blacker the berry the sweeter the juice" isn't original, it's a popular saying with African Amercians. There's a song in which the next line goes, "It takes a brown skinned woman for my particular use". I don't see why the saying is relevant in this poem. St. Simeon Stylites was 'up the pole' in all senses of the term, being a pole-squatter from the 5th century. He spent 37 years up in the open air, fasting and generally having fun being holy. He was canonised by way of compension. I don't know why but I guess it's like Dr. Phil says, "You choose the behavior and you choose the consequences". http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simeon_Stylites Nelson's Column is in Trafalgar Square is 150ft tall. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nelson's_Column Nelson's Pillar was in O'Connell St., Dublin, 120ft tall, until it was bombed and destroyed by former members of the IRA in 1966. Many Irish Nationalists had objected to it, notably W.B. Yeats. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nelson's_Pillar Nelson's flagship, the Victory, is still alive and well and living in Portsmouth's Royal Naval Dockyard. http://www.hms-victory.com/ The Good Lord Nelson had a swollen gland, Little of the scripture did he understand Till a woman led him to the promised land Aboard the Victory, Victory O. Adam and Evil and a bushel of figs Meant nothing to Nelson who was keeping pigs, Till a woman showed him the various rigs Aboard the Victory, Victory O. His heart was softer than a new-laid egg, Too poor for loving and ashamed to beg, Till Nelson was taken by the Dancing Leg Aboard the Victory, Victory O. Now he up and did up his little tin trunk And he took to the ocean on his English junk, Turning like the hourglass in his lonely bunk Aboard the Victory, Victory O. The Frenchman saw him a-coming there With the one-piece eye and the valentine hair, With the safety-pin sleeve and the occupied air Aboard the Victory, Victory O. Now you all remember the message he sent As an answer to Hamilton's discontent There were questions asked about in the parliament Aboard the Victory, Victory O. Now the blacker the berry, the thicker comes the juice. Think of Good Lord Nelson and avoid self-abuse, For the empty sleeve was no mere excuse Aboard the Victory, Victory O. "England Expects" was the motto he gave When he thought of little Emma out on Biscay's wave, and he remembered working on her like a galley slave aboard the Victory, Victory O. The first Great Lord in our English land to honour the Freudian command, For a turd in the bush is worth two in the hand Aboard the Victory, Victory O. Now the Frenchman shot him there as he stood In the rage of battle in a silk-lined hood And he heard the whistle of his own hot blood Aboard the Victory, Victory O. Now stiff on a pillar with a phallic air Nelson stylites in Trafalgar Square Reminds the British what once they were Aboard the Victory, Victory O. If they'd treat their women in the Nelson way There'd be fewer frigid husbands ev'ry day And many more heroes on the Bay of Biscay Aboard the Victory, Victory O.