Newest Jokes

There's a cockerel crowing behind my house. It's 15:37.

Sounds like a farmer is recently unemployed.
Police found the body of a hacker who has released photos of Jennifer Lawrence. This is the first case of death due to the pat on the back.
My wife doesn't understand why our son, 14, is getting through 19 pairs of socks and only one pair of underpants a week.
I just gave my wife a rude awakening by blowing my load all over her face. "You dirty fucking arsehole! What the fuck was that?" She screamed. "What?" I replied. "I thought you loved baby showers?"
Our science teacher called me stupid today and insisted it was impossible to freeze time.

So I stole the battery out of his clock on my way out, to prove a point.