This panel was presented at the 2013 Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit in DC, http://www.sexualfreedomsummit.org by emotional freedom coach Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com, 2013 EXXXOTICA BBW Female Performer of the Year Kelly Shibari from http://KellyShibariXXX.com, iconic transgender filmmaker Buck Angel http://www.BuckAngel.com, sensuality guru Elle "Lady Cheeky" Chase from http://www.LadyCheeky.com and http://www.SmutForSmarties.com, and outspoken sex blogger N'Jaila Rhee from http://www.BlasianBytch.com. Each person's sexual self-expression is unique, and requires courage and self-knowledge to experience and embody. Sexuality is an area where the --isms can radically impact our expression and beliefs. Sizeism, racism, ageism, ableism, sexualism and genderism are just a few of the boxes society and conventional media try to put us in. By examining the approaches used to 'normalize' us, and understanding our own fears and limiting beliefs, we can regain our power and freedom. Kelly: ... about the same size as me and actually then going from having no dates to having a bunch of dates, right? You know how that's like, it's like, "Wow, gee, oh I'm pretty." At the same time, you have all these years of bullying, of being told that when you're fat, you're not good enough or you're unattractive, and then you start making all these decision and you start conducting yourself in a way like, "Okay, if I give it up for free, then I'll be accepted." You have a large number of younger, chubby girls ... I'm not really sure about guys because I'm not one ... but having sex early because they think that that's the only way that they can be accepted, and it took me getting older and realizing that it really doesn't matter your size, it really matters more about the person you are, but it's really difficult when you're getting fed that from a very young age.Cathy: You're not taught anything different. Buck, do you have anything to add? Buck: Obviously, I had a fucked-up childhood. Being a masculine woman is something that a lot of people deal ... in society, they do not like masculine women. I know why, obviously we're challenging that notion of what it means to be a woman. Masculinity is supposed to be for the male side, so I have to deal a lot with that when I was a child and having to deal a lot with, "You're very masculine, that's not, you know, cool, why don't you act more like a girl?" I think that it's really interesting that we have to deal with this masculine-feminine thing so much, that why can't people just understand that everyone is just parts of those things, and that was really something that I had to deal with on such a level that really ... for many years, I just couldn't deal with myself being a masculine woman and didn't know really what that meant, that I was transgender or transsexual. I think that the hurting and the bullying came from me, too, because I would fight all the time and I'd be so angry and pissed off at the world, because it wasn't right, the way I was, it wasn't the way that you're supposed to be.Cathy: I think the isms also create a lot of scarcity. We're taught in our society if you're overweight, you're not sexual, which eliminates two-thirds of the population right there, and if you're in a wheelchair or you're disabled in some way, our society teaches that you're not sexual and if you're ugly, a lot of beautyism ... I don't consider myself a very attractive person and I grew up thinking that no one would want me, so I was excluded. We keep excluding people and seeing and looking around and going, "Wow, there's only three people that I know that are fuckable, so, oh my god, I've got to fight for them and I better put her down, and make her feel worse, and maybe if I put them down, I'll feel a little better about myself. Maybe I'll somehow inch up the ladder so one of those three people will see me and want to be with me at least once, so I get some self-esteem." I think when we start ...Kelly: Then you find that they're no fun.

• published: 02 Dec 2013
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