SMH COLUMN 8
Contact: Column8@smh.com.au
Column 8
Cruise news you can use: The Column 8 Snark Safari is going full steam ahead on Saturday, and the weather forecast bodes well for a successful hunt - Boojums and Vanishings notwithstanding.
Column 8
''Has 'to all intents and purposes' been added to the meaningless phrase list?'' asks Joanne Lloyd, of Watsons Bay (Column 8's mission to construct the ''Great Pyramid Hyper-Sentence of Twaddle'' before Christmas, since last week). ''By the way, aren't purposes 'more or less' intents? Moreover, what does 'by the way' add to the meaning of, well, anything? Or 'moreover', for that matter? Or 'for that matter' as a matter of fact? Etc., ad infinitum …''
Column 8
''In the Herald's Thursday classifieds, under General Auctions,'' reports Chris Piper, of Lane Cove, ''I read the following: 'Deceased Estate - collection of Baker light [surely Bakelite!] Floor Radios and Grammer Phones [surely gramophones]'.'' Not necessarily, Chris. Bakers often work at night, while a grammerphone is a device for correcting syntax in real time - but not spelling, clearly.
Column 8
''With the introduction of daylight saving last Sunday morning, our clocks were advanced by an hour,'' writes Daryl Jordan, of Denistone.
Column 8
''The name is new, and so is the logo on the deckhands' polo shirts,'' concedes Gary Jackson, of Georges Heights, ''but little else has changed on Harbour City Ferries.
Column 8
''Oh dear!'' wails Robert Silvestrini, of Fairfield West, ''all this talk about 'neither here nor there', 'in and of itself'', etc has resurrected a particular irritant of mine, namely 'each and every', as in 'each and every one of us'. Surely 'each of us' or 'every one of us' would suffice?'' Indeed, there so many of these overblown phrases that we're considering constructing the least comprehensible, or at least the least sensible, English sentence by stringing them together. Something along the lines of ''The matter, in and of itself, should concern each and every one of us - to describe it as being neither here nor there is just so much piss and vinegar.''
Column 8
''Thank you, Column 8, for dealing with 'the HMAS' when discussing naval vessels,'' writes David Bishop, of Bass Hill (Column 8, Monday).
Column 8
We have to hand a clever solution to the suicidal bird business of last week, courtesy of Jennifer Leonard, of Leichhardt. ''We had a similar situation regarding a kamikaze kookaburra in our newly built house in the southern highlands. It was an arched window the bird flew at, first thing in the morning, waking the entire household. We tried solutions similar to those suggested by Alan Parker in Thursday's column, but without success, until we realised he could only see his reflection from one particular branch of a nearby gum tree, and that all we had to do was remove that branch. Problem solved: no more early morning wake-up calls, a happy kookaburra and a tree that continued to flourish.''
Column 8
''What with the fleet review,'' writes John Roche, of Sutton Forest, ''it's worth recalling the Rodney ferry disaster of 1938.
Column 8
''With regard to Allan Gibson's question about gun salutes,'' responds Christopher Jobson, of Monash, ACT (Column 8, Thursday), ''there is an accepted protocol here."
Column 8
''Floor mats wrinkle and scrunch up on carpet because carpet pile has a direction,'' we're advised by Roger Fuller, of Tyagarah.
Column 8
''A kookaburra has taken to flying at full speed straight into a closed window,'' reports Alan Parker, of air raid shelters unknown. ''This happens countless times a day and I don't know how the kookaburra survives. I've tried putting large soft animal toys on the inside of the window but nothing seems to deter it. I imagine it sees its own reflection as another kookaburra and in an effort to chase it away flies into the window. I would very much appreciate suggestions as to how we can stop it apart from boarding up the window.'' We seem to recall dealing with this some years back, and being told that hanging a CD by fishing line inside the window works, as it reflects light in weird patterns which the birds don't like. Try it and let us know.
Column 8
''I'm probably not the first to point out that Asbestos House is on the corner of York and Barrack streets,'' assumes Mark Swan, of Dulwich Hill (Column 8, Monday, and he assumes correctly - we said King Street). ''An art deco gem, despite its unfortunate former name.'' We plead that York Street looked rather different in 1938 …
Column 8
''I answered Don Hartley's question in Saturday's column right here, in Column 8, back in 2009,'' points out Bill Wilkinson, of Tumbarumba. ''If something is 'neither here nor there', then obviously it is somewhere else. Simple.'' Ralph Davis, ''Resident of the Multiverse'', begs to differ: ''Whilst not wishing to appear mistrusting, I take some issue with Don Hartley's assurance that he understands 'all that quantum stuff', because if he did, then surely he would know that his 'something' that's 'neither here nor there' is actually in both places at once.''
Column 8
''Maybe your experts can help,'' writes a hopeful Richard Lornie, of Terrigal. ''I need to know if there is a special term or phrase to describe the irresistible urge to pen a letter to the editor of a newspaper, ring talkback radio or email Column 8? Is it a form of compulsive disorder? Matter of fact, I've got it now.''
Column 8
''The southern face of the Central Station clock tower is running two or three minutes slow,'' reports Adam Sebire, of Craigie, ''yet the northern face is right on time. I nearly missed my Blue Mountains train as a result. Having been up there once, I recall a centralised mechanism turning all eight hands, so how is this even possible? Has Harold Lloyd been swinging from it recently?''
Column 8
''With the previous government's broadband plan banned, broadly abandoned for blander broadband, will we soon be bored with the national broadband brand, especially now that the broadband board has been disbanded?'' asks Doug Walker, of Baulkham Hills. We would like to give Doug the information he requires to properly assess this confusing situation, but sadly, under our new guidelines, must not. ''Operational reasons'', don't you know.
Column 8
''Never mind the red herrings,'' advises Alice Sternhell, of Naremburn (Column 8, for a fair slice of eternity, but not for much longer). ''When I was a small child in my native Poland, my grandfather presented me with an example of what were, there and then, known as 'Armenian puzzles', running as follows: 'It is green, it hangs on a tree and it whistles. What is it?' The answer is, of course, a herring. 'But grandpa', I squeaked, 'how come the herring is green?' 'Because somebody painted it green.' 'How come it hangs on a tree?' 'Because someone hanged it there.' 'But grandpa, how come it whistles?' 'It whistles, my dear girl, to make the puzzle harder to work out.'''
Column 8
''Marion Jordan's experience with door knockers,'' writes Dr Paul Foley, of Croydon (When is a salesman not a salesman?, Column 8, Monday) reminded me of the response I received when I challenged a real estate agent employee placing a brochure in my 'No advertising please' letterbox (95 per cent of my junk mail is now from real estate agents). After curtly advising me that ignoring 'No advertising' signs was part of her job, and that I should just 'bugger off', I was informed that, in any case, she was not leaving advertising but rather 'promotional material'.''
Column 8
''My earliest memory of the use of the term 'red herring','' recalls Gerry Burns, of Blacktown (Column 8, for days), ''was in the NSW bear pit in the 1950s when the leader of the Liberal opposition, Vernon Treatt, in a metaphorical mix-up described the Labor government as 'a drowning man, clutching at any red herring' to get themselves out of trouble. I think I read about it in Granny's column in the Herald!''
