• Lyrics: play full screen play karaoke
• You Can Be As Loud As The Hell You Want When You' - Avenue Q
• What Do You Do With A B.a. In English-it Sucks To - Avenue Q
• There's Life Outside Your Apartment - Avenue Q
• There's A Fine Fine Line (reprise) - What Do You D - Avenue Q
• There's a Fine, Fine Line - Avenue Q
• The More You Ruv Someone - Avenue Q
• The Money Song - Avenue Q
• The Avenue Q Theme - Avenue Q
• Tear It Up And Throw It Away - Avenue Q
• Special - Avenue Q
• School For Monsters- Money Song (reprise) - Avenue Q
• Schadenfreude - Avenue Q
• Purpose - Avenue Q
• My Girlfriend, Who Lives in Canada - Avenue Q
• I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today - Avenue Q
• I Wish I Could Go Back to College - Avenue Q
• For Now - Avenue Q
• Fantasies Come True - Avenue Q
• Everyone's A Little Bit Racist - Avenue Q

Bad Idea Bear #1:
Take her home!
Bad Idea Bear #2:
She's wasted!
Bad Idea Bears:
Yaaay!
Kate Monster:
My God, Princeton! Right there! Right there!
That's the spot - that's the spot - okay, a little lower -
okay, now to the left - no, my left - ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
Princeton:
Oh, my God, Kate, no one's ever touched me like this
before - you can't put your finger there -
OOH! PUT YOUR FINGER THERE!
Both:
Oh, yeah!
Gary Coleman:
You can be as loud as
The hell you want
When you're making love
Bad Idea Bears:
When you're making love!
Gary Coleman:
You can be as loud as
The hell you want
When you're making love!
Bad Idea Bears:
When you're making love!
Gary Coleman:
You can be as loud as
The hell you want
When you're making love!
Bad Idea Bears:
When you're making love!
Gary Coleman:
You can be as loud as
The hell you want...
Kate Monster/Princeton:
Ahhhhhhh!
Gary Coleman:
Gary Coleman! You hear what?
Hell no, I won't tell them to quiet down!
Kate Monster:
Are we being too loud?
Princeton:
Yeah are we bothering someone?
Gary Coleman:
Oh, no, not at all, kids!
You keep doing what you're doing.
Bad Idea Bears:
Yeah! Louder!
Gary Coleman:
You're not allowed to be loud
At the library
At the art museum
Or at a play
But when you and your partner
Are doing the nasty
Don't behave like you're
At the ballet!
Cause you can be as loud as
The hell you want
When you're making love
Bad Idea Bears:
Making sweet, sweet love
Gary Coleman:
You can be as loud as
The hell you want
When you're making love
Bad Idea Bears:
Loud as the hell!
Loud as the hell you want!
Gary Coleman:
Don't let the neighbors
Stop you from havin' fun,
They'll have peace and quiet
When you’re good and done.
All:
Be as loud as
The hell you want
When you’re making love!
Loud as the hell you want...
Kate Monster:
Faster, Princeton!
Christmas Eve:
Brian, slow down! This not a race!
All:
Loud as the hell you want...
Princeton:
Oh, yeah!
Brian:
Who’s your daddy?
Christmas Eve:
What? Brian!
All:
Loud as the hell you want...
Loud as the hell you want...
Gary Coleman:
Smack it and lick it and rub it and suck it!
All:
Loud as the hell you want...
Christmas Eve:
Yes! Work your mama!
All:
Loud as the hell you-
Kate Monster:
Oh yeah, that’s it!
Brian:
Ooh, babe!
Trekkie Monster:
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
All:
Loud as the hell you-
Loud as the hell you-
Loud as the hell you-
Loud as the hell you-
Loud as the hell you-
Loud as the hell you-
Loud as the hell you-

[Princeton]
What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be?
4 years of college,
And plenty of knowledge,
Have earned me this useless degree!
I can't pay the bills yet,
'Cause I have no skills yet,
The world is a big scary place!
But somehow I can't shake,
The feeling I might make,
A difference to the human race!
[Kate]
Morning Brian!
[Brian]
Hi, Kate Monster
[Kate]
How's life?
[Brian]
Disappointing
[Kate]
What's the matter?
[Brian]
The catering company laid me off
[Kate]
Oh, I'm sorry
[Brian]
Me too! I mean, look at me!
I'm 10 years out of college,
And I always thought...
[Kate]
What?
[Brian]
No it sounds stupid.
[Kate]
Oh c'mon!
[Brian]
When I was little,
I thought I would be,
A big comedian on late-night TV!
But now I'm 32 and as u can see,
I'm not, oh well,
It sucks to be me!
It sucks to be me!
It sucks to be broke, and unemployed, and turning 33!
It sucks to be me!
[Kate]
You think your life sucks?
[Brian]
I think so
[Kate]
Your problems aren't so bad
I'm kinda pretty
And pretty damn smart.
[Brian]
You are
[Kate]
Thanks
I like romantic things like music and art.
And as you know I have a gigantic heart,
So why don't I have a boyfriend?
FUCK!
It sucks to be me!
[Brian]
Me too!
[Kate]
It sucks to be me!
[Brian]
It sucks to be me!
It sucks to be Brian
[Kate]
And Kate
[Brian]
To not have a job
[Kate]
To not have a date
[Both]
It sucks to be me!
[Rod/Nicky arguing]
[Brian]
Hey Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us if you have a second?
[Rod]
Oh, certainly
[Kate]
Whose life sucks more, Brian's or mine?
[Rod and Nicky]
OURS!
[Rod]
We live together
[Nicky]
We're close as people can get
[Rod]
We've been the best of buddies
[Brian]
Ever since the day we met
[Rod]
So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset! Oh!
Every day is an aggravation
[Nicky]
C'mon that's an exaggeration
[Rod]
You leave your clothes out,
You put your feet on my chair
[Nicky]
Oh yea? You do such anal things like ironing your underwear!
[Rod]
You make that very small apartment we share, a hell!
[Brian]
So do you, that's why I'm in hell too!
[Rod]
It sucks to be me!
[Nicky]
No it sucks to be me!
[Kate]
It sucks to be me!
[Brian]
It sucks to be me!
[All]
Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!
[Christmas Eve]
Why u all so happy?
[Brian]
'Cause our lives suck!
[Christmas Eve]
Your lives suck?
I hearing u correctly? Ha!
I coming to this country, for opportunities,
Try to work in Korean deli,
But I a Japanese!
But with hard work I earned two master degrees!
In social work,
And now I a therapist!
But I have no clients!
And I have unemployed fiancé,
And we have lots of bills to pay!
It sucks to be me!
It sucks to be me!
I say it sucka, sucka, sucka, sucka,
Sucka, sucka, sucka, sucka, sucka,
Sucka, sucka, sucka, suck!
It sucks to be me!
[Princeton]
Uh excuse me,
Sorry to bother u, but I'm looking for a place to live
[Christmas Eve]
Why u looking out here?
[Princeton]
Well, I started in Avenue A,
But so far everything's out of my price range,
But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper.
Oh and look a forensie!
[Brian]
You need to talk to the superintendent,
Let me get him.
[Princeton]
Great! Thanks!
[Brian]
YO GARY!
[Gary Coleman]
I'm coming! I'm coming!
[Princeton]
Oh my God it's Gary Coleman!
[Gary Coleman]
Yes I am!
I'm Gary Coleman,
From TVs different strokes.
I made a lot of money,
That got stolen by my folks!
Now I'm broke, and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes!
But I'm here, the superintendent
On Avenue Q!
[All]
It sucks to be you!
[Kate]
You win!
[All]
It sucks to be you!
[Brian]
I feel better now!
[Gary Coleman]
Try having people stopping you to ask you,
Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?
It gets old.
[All]
It sucks to be you!
On Avenue Q!
Sucks to be me!
On Avenue Q!
Sucks to be you
On Avenue Q
Sucks to be us
But not when were together!
We're together here on Avenue Q!
We live on Avenue Q!
Our friends do too,
Till our dreams come true!
We live on Avenue Q
[Princeton]
This is real life!
[All]
We live on Avenue Q
[Nicky]
You're gonna love it!
[All]
We live on Avenue Q
[Gary Coleman]
Here's your keys!
[All]

Brian:
Princeton!
Princeton:
Yeah.
Brian:
Listen, buddy, nobody’s seen ya for two weeks.
What’s up with that?
Princeton:
I went to work for a temp agency, and they
fired me for being too depressing on the phone.
I maxed out my cards, I’m two months behind
in rent, I totally messed up my personal life.
Oh, and Brian - I still haven’t found my purpose!
Brian:
All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying!
Everyone’s getting together to mess around the city today.
Princeton:
Have fun!
Brian:
When I say everyone, that includes you!
There is life outside your apartment.
I know it’s hard to conceive.
But there’s life outside your apartment.
And you’re only gonna see it if you leave.
There is cool shit to do,
But it can’t come to you,
And who knows, dude
You might even score!
There is life outside your apartment.
But you gotta open the door!
Princeton:
No, thanks, I’m staying in!
Brian:
Don’t tell me I gotta force you.
Princeton:
Sorry!
Brian:
All right, everyone! He’s resisting!
All but Princeton:
There is life outside...
There is life outside...
There is life outside...
There is life outside your apartment!
There’s a pigeon
Squashed on the street.
Christmas Eve:
Brian:
There’s a girl passing by
Nicky:
No I think it’s a guy
All but Princeton:
And a homeless man
Who only wants to
Buy something to eat!
Sorry, can’t help you.
We could go to the zoo!
Trekkie Monster:
Pick up girls at NYU!
Brian:
We could sit in the park smoking pot!
Christmas Eve:
Or not.
All but Princeton:
There is life outside your apartment.
Princeton:
Well, I guess I’ll give it a shot.
All:
There is life outside your apartment.
I know -
There is life outside your apartment.
Voice #1:
I’m gonna jump!
All:
Don’t do it!
Voice #1:
Okay.
All:
There is cool shit to do
But it can’t come to you
So come on -
Voice #2:
Get out of the way asshole!
Princeton:
Fuck you!
All:
There is life outside your apartment.
Oh, you never know
What’s around the bend.
You could win the lotto
Or make a friend...
Guys:
Take her home to see your apartment!
Lucy:
Do you wanna feel special?
I can see that you do.
Well, I can make you feel
Special.
If you let me feel you.
Guys:
She’ll feel you!
Lucy:
Where’s your pad?
Princeton:
Not too far.
Guys:
We could call you a car.
Princeton:
We’ll be fine, thank you! See ya!
Christmas Eve:
Hope you don’t get gonorrhea!
All:
There is life outside your apartment.
Princeton/Lucy:
But now it’s time to go home.
All:
There is life outside your apartment.
Trekkie Monster:
Me going home now.
Princeton/Lucy:
It’s time to go home!
Trekkie Monster:
That’s where me gonna go!
Lucy:
I can make you feel special
Trekkie Monster:
That’s where me gonna go!
All:
There is life outside your apartment.
Trekkie Monster:
Me going home now,
That’s where me gonna go!
Princeton/Lucy:
But now it’s time to go home
Trekkie Monster:

Kate Monster:
The Monsterssori School...I don’t even know where to start!
Christmas Eve:
Do you know who get idea and collect
All the money and buy building for you?
Kate Monster:
Was it you?
Christmas Eve:
No. It Princeton.
Kate Monster:
Princeton? For me?
Princeton:
You said you couldn’t make your dreams come
True by yourself, so I shot for the stars.
You’ve gotta go after the things you want
While you’re still in your prime.
Kate Monster:
There’s a fine, fine line
Between love...
Thank you Princeton.
Princeton:
So will you take me back, Kate?
Kate Monster:
I’ll be so busy now, with all of the contractors
And inspections and hiring teachers and choosing textbooks...
Princeton:
Well, I could help you.
Kate Monster:
Can we take it one day at a time?
Newcomer:
What do you do
With a B.A. in English?
Oh, look! A "for rent" sign!
Oh, my God! You’re Gary Coleman!
Gary Coleman:
Yes, I am!
Newcomer:
Say, can you tell me where to find the super?
Gary Coleman:
I am the super.
Newcomer:
Well, listen - I wanna ask you about the apartment for rent?
Gary Coleman:
Oh, sure!
Princeton:
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, that’s it!
Kate Monster:
What?
Princeton:
My PURPOSE!
Look at this kid, here, all fresh faced and new
and not knowing anything! He has no idea
what he’s in for! He thinks the hard part’s over,
but it’s not! And maybe he needs a little help! Maybe
my purpose is to take everything I’m learning
and put it - put it into a SHOW!
Brian:
Are you high?
Newcomer:
And I’m not some young kid who doesn’t know anything.

KATE MONSTER
There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time
There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime
But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line
between love,

KATE
Why can't people get along and love each other Christmas Eve?
CHRISTMAS
Ha! You tink gedding arong same as ruvving?
Sometimes ruv - right where you hating most Kate Monster
KATE
Huh?
CHRISTMAS
The more you ruv someone
The more you want to care dem
The more you ruv someone
The more he make you cly
Though you at cly for making peace wid dem and ruvving
That's why you ruv so strong you rite to make him die
The more you ruv someone
The more he make you cwazy
The more you ruv someone
The more you wishing him dead
Sometime you rook at him
And only see fat and razy
And wanting baseball bat for hitting him on his head
Love
KATE
Love
CHRISTMAS
And hate
KATE
And hate
CHRISTMAS
Dey like two brudders
KATE
Brothers
CHRISTMAS
Who go on a date
KATE
Who ... what?
CHRISTMAS
Where one of dem goes odder one foddows
You were finding ruv
He also bringing sorrow
KATE
Ah, yes
CHRISTMAS
The more you ruv someone
The more you want to care dem
KATE
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
CHRISTMAS
Ruvving and caring fit like hand in glove
KATE
Hand in gloves
CHRISTMAS
So, if a someone you are wanting so to care dem
You go and find him
And you get him
And you no care dem
Cos chances go ...
{together}
CHRISTMAS
He is your ruv
KATE

Nicky:
Help the homeless!
Help the homeless!
Ooh! Hey Princeton!
Give me a quarter!
Here in my hat!
Come on, Princeton!
It’s as easy as that!
Helping others brings you
Closer to God.
So give me a quarter...
Princeton:
I don’t have any change.
Nicky:
Hmmm....okay.
Give me a dollar.
Princeton:
That’s not what I meant.
Nicky:
Give me a five.
Princeton:
Are you kidding?
Nicky:
The more you give.
The more you get.
That’s being alive!
All I’m asking you
Is to do what
Jesus Christ would do.
He’d give me a quarter,
Why don’t you?
Princeton:
All right, all right, here you go.
Nicky:
Ahh, thanks!
Princeton:
Take care.
Whoa!
Nicky:
What’s the matter?
Princeton:
I feel generous!
I feel compassionate!
Nicky:
You do?
Princeton:
Yeah! I feel like a new person - a good person!
Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic!
Nicky:
That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you-
Princeton:
All this time I’ve been running around thinking
about me, me, me - and where has it gotten me!
I’m gonna do something for someone else!
Nicky:
Princeton:
No - Kate! I’m going to raise the money to build that
stupid Monster School she’s always talking about!
Give me your money!
Nicky:
What?
Princeton:
I need it for Kate!
Nicky:
I need it to eat!
Princeton:
Come on, Nicky!
Nicky:
Aww, get lost!
Princeton:
It’ll make you feel great!
Nicky:
So would a burger!
Princeton:
When her dream comes true,
It’ll all be partly
Thanks to you
So give me your money!
Nicky:
I’d like to, but I can’t.
Princeton:
Give me your money!
Nicky:
I’d like to, but I need it!
Princeton:
Give me your money!
Nicky:
I’d like to, but I’m homeless!
I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless!
I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless!
I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless!
Okay, here you go.
Princeton:
Thank you!
Nicky:
Suddenly,
I am feeling
Closer to God.
It’s time to stop begging
It’s time to start giving!
What can I give to Rod?
Something he’ll like so much he’ll take me back.
Ooh, I know! I’ll find him a boyfriend!
Princeton:
That’s the spirit!
Both:
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
Gary Coleman:
Hey boys, what’s the hat for?
Nicky:
Ooh, we’re collecting money!
Princeton:
It’s for Kate! We’re raising money to help build her dream school!
Give us your money!
Nicky:
You’ll be glad that you did!
Gary Coleman:
That’s just what my parents told me
When I was a kid.
Shit.
Nicky:
But giving feels so great...
Gary Coleman:
And I bet it wouldn’t hurt
Your chances with Kate.
Princeton:
Well, that too.
Gary Coleman:
I’ll give you a dollar.
Princeton:
You’re a gentleman
And a scholar.
Christmas Eve:
We so happy! We just exchange all your wedding gifts for cash!
Brian:
Honey, don’t tell THEM that!
Christmas Eve:
We get about 2,000 bucks!
Brian:
Uh, yeah, so - thanks, everybody!
Christmas Eve:
We rich!
Princeton:
Give us your money!
Nicky:
Give us your money!
Gary Coleman:
Give us your goddamn money!
Princeton:
Give us the dough!
Nicky/Gary Coleman
Give us the dough!
Princeton/Nicky/Gary Coleman
We’re raising money
For a Monster School
But we’ve got a ways to go.
Princeton:
Sounds like you’ve
Got money to burn
Nicky:
And it’s not like money
That you had to earn.
Princeton/Nicky/Gary Coleman:
So give us your money -
Christmas Eve:
A monster school?
Brian:
Sounds like a good cause.
Christmas Eve:
Give me your wallet.
Princeton:
Oh my gosh! I don’t know how to thank you guys.
I mean, Kate will be so grateful!
That kind of money is such a great start...
Gary Coleman:
Yeah, $15.
Princeton:
$15?
Christmas Eve:
Every little bit help.
Nicky:
Looks like we’re gonna have to ask MORE people!
All:
Hey!
Give us your money!
All that you’ve got!
Just fork it on over...
Gary Coleman:
Or some puppets
Will get shot!
Princeton:
Hey!
All:
It’s time to pass the hat
Gary Coleman:
And there’s nothing you can do ‘bout that
All:
So give us your money!
Give us your money!
Give us your money!
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
Every time you
Do good deeds
You’re also serving
Your own needs.
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
When you give
To a worthy cause
You’ll feel as jolly
As Santa Clause.
When you help others,
You can’t
Help

THE COMPANY
The sun is shining,
It's a lovely day,
a perfect morning
for a kid to play,
but you've got lots
of bills to pay --
what can you do?
You work real hard
and the pay's real low
and ev'ry hour
goes oh, so slow
and at the end of the day
there's nowhere to go
but home to Avenue Q!
You live on Avenue Q!
Your friends do too.
You are twenty-two
and you live on Avenue Q!
You live on Avenue Q

Kate:
Oh Nicky, Nicky, bad news.
Nicky:
What's the matter Kate?
Kate:
I can't go with you to the Phish concert at the Aquarium.
Nicky:
Oh no, I was looking forward to that!
Kate:
Me too.
Nicky:
Oh, why can't you come?
Kate:
I got jury duty.
Nicky:
Jury duty?
Kate:
Mm Hm.
Nicky:
Aw, Kate, you don't have to go to Jury duty.
Kate:
Yes I do. I got this summons in the mail, it says I have to go.
Nicky:
Oh, what summons?
Kate:
This one.
Nicky:
No. WHAT summons?
Kate:
THIS one.
Nicky:
No Kate you don't understand: Tear it up and throw it away.
Kate:
What?
Nicky:
Throw it away, Throw it away! Tear it up and throw it away.
And go about your day!
Kate:
Oh, I can't do that! This is an official summons.
Nicky:
Oh! An official summons. Well, why didn't you say so?
Tear it up and throw it away!
Kate:
Just. Tear it up?
Nicky:
Yeah! And throw it away!
Tear it up and throw it away, so you and I can play.
Kate:
But, isn't it my civic duty?
Nicky:
Aw! Who gives a doody? The government employees already know,
For many reasons many people just won't show.
A piece of mail's an easy thing to overlook, so just like the airlines, they overbook!
Kate: Oh!
Both:
Tear it up and throw it away! Throw it away! Throw it away!
Tear it up and throw it away,
Nicky:
It's perfectly okay.
Kate:
Ah! Oh but wait a minute, wait a minute.
It says here the penalty is 30 days in jail.
Nicky:
KATE! No one's ever gone to jail! Gone to jail! Gone to jail!
Have you ever heard of anyone who's gone to jail,
Kate:
Oh! 'Cause something got lost in the mail! OH!
Nicky: Exactly!
Both:
Tear it up and throw it away! Throw it away! Throw it away!
Tear it up and throw it away! (tear)
Nicky:
Yeah, you got it!
Kate: Did not!
Nicky:
Right!
Both:
And go about your day!
Nicky:
Only the little people do jury duty Kate!
Kate:

LUCY
I can make you feel
special.
When it sucks to be you.
Let me make you feel
special.
For an hour or two.
Your life's a routine
that repeats each day.
No one cares who you are
or what you say.
And sometimes you feel
like you're nobody,
but you can feel like
somebody with me.
PRINCETON
Wow!
LUCY
Yeah, they're real.
When we're together
the earth will shake
and the stars will fall
into the sea.
So come on, baby,
let down your guard.
When your date's in
the bathroom,
I'll slip you my card.
I can tell just by looking
that you've got it hard
For me! For me!
For me! For me!
For me! For me!
I can tell just by looking
that you are especially

Christmas Eve:
How much do we get?
Princeton:
Boy, it’s not very much at all, is it?
Brian:
Never say never, Princeton, there’s still
One more person we have to hit up!
Trekkie Monster:
NO! NO! NO! Go away. Me busy.
Christmas Eve:
But it for good cause.
Trekkie Monster:
What in it for me? Go away!
Princeton:
I guess Kate’ll never get her school for Monsters.
Trekkie Monster:
What you say?
Brian:
Kate wants to open a school for Monsters.
Trekkie Monster:
School for Monsters?
Me never hear of that.
School for Monsters!
School for lonely little monsters!
When me little,
Going to school,
Other children
Think me not cool,
Poking and pulling
At me fur...
Now me have therapist,
And work on this with her.
But me no need me therapy
If Monster School a reality!
Here!
Me give you $10,000,000!
Princeton:
Trekkie! where did you get all that money??
Trekkie Monster:
In volatile market, only stable investment is porn!
All:
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
Every time you
Do good deeds
You’re also serving
Your own needs.
When you help others,
You can’t
Help

Gary:
Right now you are down and out
And feelin' really crappy.
Nikki:
I’ll say.
Gary:
And when I see how sad you are,
It sorta makes me happy.
Nikki:
Happy?
Gary:
Sorry Nikki.
Human nature-
Nothing I can do.
It’s Schadenfreude
Making me feel glad that I’m not you.
Nikki:
Now that’s not very nice Gary.
Gary:
I didn’t say it was nice,
But everybody does it.
‘Dya ever clap when a waitress falls
And drops a tray of glasses?
Nikki:
Yea.
Gary:
And ain’t it fun to watch figure skaters
Fallin’ on their asses?
Nikki:
Sure.
Gary:
Don’t you feel all warm and cozy
Watching people out in the rain?
Nikki:
You bet.
Gary:
That’s
Both:
Schadenfreude.
Gary:
People taking pleasure in your pain.
Nikki:
Oh. Schadenfreude, huh? What’s that? Some kind of Nazi word?
Gary:
Yup. It’s German for ‘happiness at the misfortune of others’.
Nikki:
‘Happiness at the misfortune of others’
That is German!
Watching a vegetarian
Being told she just ate chicken.
Gary:
Or watching a frat boy
Realize just what he put his dick in.
Nikki:
Being on an elevator when somebody
Shouts ‘Hold the door!’
Gary:
Oh yea!
Both:
Schadenfreude…
Gary:
Fuck you lady!
That’s what stairs are for!
Nikki:
Ooh- How about:
Straight A student’s getting B’s…
Gary:
Exes getting STDs…
Nikki:
Waking doormen from their naps…
Gary:
Watching tourists reading maps…
Nikki:
Football players getting tackled…
Gary:
CEOs getting shackled…
Nikki:
Watching actors never reach…
Both:
The ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Gary:
The world needs people like you and me
Who’ve been knocked around by fate
‘Cause when people see us
They don’t want to be us
And that makes them feel great
Nikki:
Sure.
We provide a vital service to society.
Both:
You and me!
Schadenfreude
Making the world a better place
Making the world a better place
Making the world a better place to be!
Gary:

Princeton:
Purpose.
It’s that little flame
That lights a fire
Under your ass.
Purpose.
It keeps you going strong
Like a car with a full
Tank of gas.
Everyone else has a purpose,
So what’s mine?
Oh look.
Here’s a penny.
It’s from the year I was born.
It’s a sign!
Ha! Ba ba ba ba doo doo doo doo doo.
I don’t know how I know,
But I’m gonna find my purpose.
I don’t know where I’m gonna look,
But I’m gonna find my purpose.
Gotta find out.
Don’t wanna wait.
Got to make sure that my life will be great.
Gotta find my purpose.
Before it’s too late.
Ensemble:
He’s gonna find his purpose.
Princeton:
Whoa ooh oh.
Princeton and Ensemble:
I’m [He’s] gonna find my [his] purpose.
Ensemble:
He’s gonna find his purpose.
Princeton:
Yeaaah yeah yea.
Princeton and Ensemble:
I’m [He’s] gonna find my [his] purpose.
Princeton:
Could be far.
Could be near.
Could take a week
A month
A year
At a job.
Or smoking grass.
Maybe at a pottery class.
Could it be?
Yes it could.
Something’s coming.
Something good.
I’m gonna find my purpose.
Yeah.
Ensemble: You’re gonna find your purpose.
Princeton:
Whoa ooh oh.
I’m gonna find it!
What will it be? Where will it be?
My purpose in life is a mystery.
Gotta find my purpose.
Gotta find me.
Ensemble:
You’re gonna find your purpose.
Princeton:
Whoa ooh oh.
I’m gonna find my purpose.
Ensemble:
Your’re gonna find your purpose.
Princeton:
Pur- pur- purpose
Yeah yeah.

Ohhhh...
I wish you could meet my girlfriend, my girlfriend who lives in Canada.
She couldn't be sweeter
I wish you could meet her,
My girlfriend who lives in Canada!
Her name is Alberta
She live in Vancouver
She cooks like my mother
And sucks like a Hoover.
I e-mail her every single day
Just to make sure that everything's okay.
It's a pity she lives so far away, in Canada!
Last week she was here, but she had the flu.
Too bad
'Cause I wanted to introduce her to you
It's so sad
There wasn't a thing that she could do
But stay in bed with her legs up over her head!
I wish you could meet my girlfriend,
But you can't because she is in Canada.
I love her, I miss her, I can't wait to kiss her,
So soon I'll be off to Alberta!
I mean Vancouver!
Shit! Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancou-
She's my girlfriend!
My wonderful girlfriend!
Yes I have a girlfriend, who lives in Canada!!

Brian:
I'm not wearing underwear today,
No im not wearing underwear today
Not that you probably care
Much about my underwear
Still none the less i gotta say
That im not wearing underwear today
Christmas Eve: Getta Job!

KATE MONSTER:
I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
NICKY:
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!
PRINCETON:
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"
ALL:
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
PRINCETON:
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...
NICKY:
Or get into a play...
KATE MONSTER:
Or change my major...
PRINCETON:
Or fuck my T.A.
ALL:
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,
4 A.M. before the final paper is due,
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!
PRINCETON:
I wish I could go back to college!
ALL:
How do I go back to college?!
AHHHH...
PRINCETON:
I wish I had taken more pictures.
NICKY:
But if I were to go back to college,
Think what a loser I'd be-
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."
ALL:

PRINCETON:
Why does everything have to be so hard?
GARY COLEMAN:
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.
CHRISTMAS EVE:
Lots of people don't.
PRINCETON:
But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!
KATE MONSTER:
Well, who does, really?
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
BRIAN:
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.
GARY COLEMAN:
Take a breath,
Look around,
BRIAN:
Swallow your pride,
KATE MONSTER:
FOr now...
BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:
For now...
NICKY:
Nothing lasts,
ROD:
Life goes on,
NICKY:
Full of surprises.
ROD:
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.
CHRISTMAS EVE:
You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...
ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
LUCY:
For now we're healthy.
BRIAN:
For now we're employed.
BAD IDEA BEARS:
For now we're happy...
KATE MONSTER:
If not overjoyed.
PRINCETON:
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...
GARY COLEMAN:
For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...
KATE MONSTER:
For now...
ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!
Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!
Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!
NICKY:
Each time you smile...
ALL:
...Only for now
KATE MONSTER:
It'll only last a while.
ALL:
...Only for now
PRINCETON:
Life may be scary...
ALL:
...Only for now
But it's only temporary
Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba dum ba-dum
Ba-da da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
Ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-da
ohhhh-
PRINCETON:

Rod:
It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky, you awake?
Nicky:
Uh Is that a unicorn?
Rod:
Uh. He's talking in his sleep again
Nicky:
No I'll wear the purple shoes at... who painted the kitten?
Rod:
Maybe I should just shake him.
Nicky:
I love you Rod.
Rod:
What did you say?
Nicky:
I love your little laugh.
Rod:
Nicky, are you awake?
Nicky:
Take off your shirt.
Rod:
Oh, Nicholas. Have you been shy all this time?
Have we been hiding from each other?
I wonder,
All those nights I lay in bed
Thoughts of you running through my head.
Nicky:
I know put my earmuffs on the cookie.
Rod:
But I never thought the things in my head
Could really happen in my bed.
Nicky:
You look like David Hasselhoff.
Rod:
All those years I missed the signs,
Couldn't read between the lines.
Who'd have thought I would see the day
Where I'd hear you say
What I heard you say
And now I find
What was always in my mind
Was in your mind too
Who knew
Fantasies come true
And now I see
That what I'd always dreamed of
Was meant to be
You and me
Me and you
Fantasies come true
(musical interlude)
Rod:
You and me lived in fantasy
But soon will be a reality.
Princeton:
Kate, that was amazing.
Kate:
Your amazing.
Princeton:
Heh, I want you to have this.
It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck.
It's from the year I was born, see.
Who knows, maybe it'll bring you good luck.
It did for me, I found you.
I want you to know
The time that we've spent
How great it's been
How much it's meant.
Kate:
Gosh, i don't know what to say.
I'm really glad you feel that way,
Cuz I'm afraid that I like you more
Than I've ever liked any guy before.
Rod:
Cuz now
Kate:
Cuz now
Rod:
My love
Kate:
My love
Kate and Rod:
I'm getting what I've always been dreaming of
Rod:
So are you
Kate:
Ooh baby
Kate and Rod:
Fantasies come true
Kate:
And now
Rod:
And now
Kate:
I swear
Rod:
I swear that
Kate and Rod:
When you want me I'm gonna be right there
Rod:
To care
Kate:
To care
Kate and Rod:
For you.
Kate:
That's what I'm gonna do
Rod:
Make your fantasies
Kate:
Fantasies
Kate and Rod:
Come true
Rod:
Fantasies come true
Nicky:
Uh hey, Rod, buddy, hey you're talking in your sleep
Rod:
I thought you were talking in your sleep.
Nicky:
No, I'm just coming to bed,
You're dreamin' is all
Rod:
Nicky:
Sounded like a nice dream though.
Rod:
Yes, it was a nice dream.
Nicky:
Goodnight!
Rod:

Princeton:
Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?
Kate Monster:
Sure!
Princeton:
Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?
Kate Monster:
Uh huh.
Princeton:
Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster.
Kate Monster:
Right.
Princeton:
You're both Monsters.
Kate Monster:
Yeah.
Princeton:
Are you two related?
Kate Monster:
What?! Princeton, I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!
Princeton:
Oh, well, I'm sorry! I was just asking!
Kate Monster:
Well, it's a touchy subject.
No, not all Monsters are related.
What are you trying say, huh?
That we all look the same to you?
Huh, huh, huh?
Princeton:
No, no, no, not at all. I'm sorry,
I guess that was a little racist.
Kate Monster:
I should say so. You should be much more
careful when you're talking about the
sensitive subject of race.
Princeton:
Well, look who's talking!
Kate Monster:
What do you mean?
Princeton:
What about that special Monster School you told me about?
Kate Monster:
What about it?
Princeton:
Could someone like me go there?
Kate Monster:
No, we don't want people like you-
Princeton:
You see?!
You're a little bit racist.
Kate Monster:
Well, you're a little bit too.
Princeton:
I guess we're both a little bit racist.
Kate Monster:
Admitting it is not an easy thing to do...
Princeton:
But I guess it's true.
Kate Monster:
Between me and you,
I think
Both:
Everyone's a little bit racist
Sometimes.
Doesn't mean we go
Around committing hate crimes.
Look around and you will find
No one's really color blind.
Maybe it's a fact
We all should face
Everyone makes judgments
Based on race.
Princeton:
Now not big judgments, like who to hire
or who to buy a newspaper from -
Kate Monster:
Princeton:
No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican
busboys should learn to speak goddamn English!
Kate Monster:
Right!
Both:
Everyone's a little bit racist
Today.
So, everyone's a little bit racist
Okay!
Ethinic jokes might be uncouth,
But you laugh because
They're based on truth.
Don't take them as
Personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them -
So relax!
Princeton:
All right, stop me if you've heard this one.
Kate Monster:
Okay!
Princeton:
There's a plan going down and there's only
one paracute. And there's a rabbi, a priest...
Kate Monster:
And a black guy!
Gary Coleman:
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Kate?
Kate Monster:
Uh...
Gary Coleman:
You were telling a black joke!
Princeton:
Well, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes.
Gary Coleman:
I don't.
Princeton:
Well, of course you don't - you're black!
But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?
Gary Coleman:
Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks!
Princeton:
Now, don't you think that's a little racist?
Gary Coleman:
Well, damn, I guess you're right.
Kate Monster:
You're a little bit racist.
Gary Coleman:
Well, you're a little bit too.
Princeton:
We're all a little bit racist.
Gary Coleman:
I think that I would
Have to agree with you.
Princeton/Kate Monster:
We're glad you do.
Gary Coleman:
It's sad but true!
Everyone's a little bit racist -
All right!
Kate Monster:
All right!
Princeton:
All right!
Gary Coleman:
All right!
Bigotry has never been
Exclusively white
All:
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
Even though we all know
That it's wrong,
Maybe it would help us
Get along.
Princeton:
Oh, Christ do I feel good.
Gary Coleman:
Now there was a fine upstanding black man!
Princeton:
Who?
Gary Coleman:
Jesus Christ.
Kate Monster:
But, Gary, Jesus was white.
Gary Coleman:
No, Jesus was black.
Kate Monster:
No, Jesus was white.
Gary Coleman:
No, I'm pretty sure that Jesus was black-
Princeton:
Guys, guys...Jesus was Jewish!
Brian:
Hey guys, what are you laughing about?
Gary Coleman:
Racism!
Brian:
Cool.
Christmas Eve:
BRIAN! Come back here!
You take out lecycuraburs!
Princeton:
What's that mean?
Brian:
Um, recyclables.
Hey, don't laugh at her!
How many languages do you speak?
Kate Monster:
Oh, come off it, Brian!
Everyone's a little bit racist.
Brian:
I'm not!
Princeton:
Oh no?
Brian:
Nope!
How many Oriental wives
Have you got?
Christmas Eve:
What? Brian!
Princeton:
Brian, buddy, where you been?
The term is Asian-American!
Christmas Eve:
I know you are no
Intending to be
But calling me Oriental -
Offensive to me!
Brian:
I'm sorry, honey, I love you.
Christmas Eve:
And I love you.
Brian:
But you're racist, too.
Christmas Eve:
Yes, I know.
The Jews have all
The money
And the whites have all
The power.
And I'm always in taxi-cab
With driver who no shower!
Princeton:
Me too!
Kate Monster:
Me too!
Gary Coleman:
I can't even get a taxi!
All:
Everyone's a little bit racist
It's true.
But everyone is just about
As racist as you!
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
And everyone stopped being
So PC
Maybe we could live in -
Harmony!
Christmas Eve: