A human tornado of pure happiness was seen doing cartwheels while shouting "I'M FINALLY FREE!" down the streets of Los Angeles this afternoon and now we know it was Lindsay Lohan's former attorney celebrating the sweet taste of freedom. Lindsay Lohan continued her impressive streak of making bad decisions by firing the person who kept her out of the clink time and time again. TMZ says that LiLo hired NYC-based lawyer Mark Heller, who's represented the Son of Sam and Jon Gosselin, and broke up with Shawn Holley. Finally, one of LiLo's stupid decisions worked in Shawn's favorite. Bitch is FREEEEEEE! Or is she?

LiLo is in trouble in L.A. for lying to the cops about not driving the Porsche that crashed into a semi on PCH, and she's also in trouble in NYC for punching that psychic in a club. This morning, Shawn Holley was on her way to court to get negotiate a plea bargain in LiLo's L.A. case when she got a letter from Mark Heller saying that her services were no longer needed. Mark Heller told Shawn Holley that not only is he handling LiLo's criminal case in NYC, but he's handling all of her criminal cases now. LiLo signed the letter. Shawn Holley wanted to feel sad about getting dumped, but she was too busy orgasming with joy on the inside.

But wait....

TMZ is now saying that LiLo is just a dumbass, because she signed Mark's letter without knowing that it was Shawn's termination letter. This is why you should never sign an important document just minutes after you vagchugged a whole bottle of Svedka. LiLo told Mark, whose license was suspended for 5 years in the 90s, to send a letter asking Shawn to ignore the first one.

Who knows if Shawn will take her back, because Radar says that LiLo owes her over $300,000 in legal fees and hasn't made a payment in over 6 months. Shawn seems weirdly devoted to LiLo, so I'm sure she'll take that mess back, but she shouldn't. Shawn should change her name, change her face and move so that LiLo can't show up at her door and cry in front of it for 90 minutes straight. Run while you still can, Shawn!

And you know what else LiLo signs on for without reading? Movies. Case in point: the newest preview for The Canyons.

That falling water bottle was giving the most in that scene.

Justin Timberlake put out his new song with Jay-Z last night and if this song is his way of trying to get us to beg him to go back to making movies, it's working - IDLYITW

I want to drink from a bottle labeled DRINK ME so that I can shrink down to size and then roll around naked on Daniel Day-Lewis' luscious silver mop - Lainey Gossip 

CONFIRMED: Alexander Skarsgard's double peen print tells me that he's got enough peen to go around! - The Superficial 

If I don't have to wear chonies under the man dress, I'm in - Towleroad

Sarah Hyland got Vergara-ized - Hollywood Tuna 

Julianne Moore was the definition of ginger perfection last night - Celebitchy

Sharon Osbourne's voodoo spell on Lady CaCa worked, because the bitch split her pants - Drunken Stepfather

Why isn't celebrity facemath a subject in high school? It should be - The Berry 

Since Los Angeles is freezing over (it's like 55 degrees) and has entered its ice age, I'm surprised Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez aren't wearing UGGs, parkas and Burberry scarves with their dresses - Popoholic

Nicole Kidman should've worn an "I Peed On Zac Efron" t-shirt to the Golden Globes last night to remind all of us why she deserved to win - Popsugar

Chloe Moretz got fake engaged to her teenage boyfriend and her ring is still prettier than Angelina Jolie's - Just Jared

ESCANDALO! Natalie Wood might've been beaten before she drowned to death - ICYDK

Carmen Electra tries to bring the sexy while doing missionary with a yellow exercise ball - Hollywood Rag

And the best Golden Globes moment not captured by a camera goes to Bill Clinton hitting up (insert the name of every woman there) - Moe Jackson 

Halle Berry must really want another Razzie - I'm Not Obsessed

Of course there's going to be a reality show about Wahlburgers - Videogum

Jimmie Walker wants black people to stop complaining - Crunk + Disorderly

Katie Holmes' signature herp sore is making a comeback - Celebslam

via Izismile

I promise that this will be my last 2013 Golden Globes post of the year (no, it won't be) and after this we shall never speak of the 2013 Golden Globes again (yes, we will), but how can I not post about the only reason why the 2013 Golden Globes happened in the first place? The 2013 Golden Globes only existed to pay tribute to the greatest singing and acting talent of this and every other generation!

Of course, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables and after she burped out a "blergh," she said, "Oh my gosh, this is happening." Bitch, stop. Don't act like you didn't build a replica of the Golden Globes stage in your spare room just so you could practice your acceptance speech for weeks beforehand. Anne totally screened her speech for test audiences and asked them if she should keep in the line, "Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self doubt." They voted to keep that line in, obviously. Anne continued to blabber on and she went overtime, but she wasn't done yet.

In the clip above, Les Miserables is named the Best Comedy Or Musical (Note: Les Miserables qualified as a comedy and a musical thanks to Russell Crowe's singing) of the year and before the movie's producer can even start his speech, Anne hijacks the mic and mouth farts out all the names of hos she forgot to thank. Anne looked so nervous, crazed and anxious when she hopped on the mic that I thought she was going to scream, "He's wearing a bomb! Everybody run!" But it was a different kind of emergency. Anne just needed to thank more people. That's all.

After the show ended, Anne jumped back on the mic and continued to thank people while the crew struck the set and moved all the chairs out of the ballroom. The crew then picked up the part of the stage that Anne was on and moved it to the back of a truck as she kept thanking people. That truck is now somewhere between Los Angeles and Barstow, and Anne is still on it, thanking people.

Here's Anne, wearing a lovely dildo cozy, while posing with some of her Les Miserables castmates last night.

Halle Berry instantly became my Best Dressed of the Golden Globes last night when she walked onto the red carpet looking a train full of crazy and a train full of tacky crashed into her at the same time. Halle finally wore a gown that perfectly describes her current mental state. That mess of a dress was designed by Donatella Versace, but it looks more like one of Ed Hardy's used cum rags. I swear I've seen that same pattern on a muscle t-shirt worn by a douchebag who was bouncing his head to a techno song in his electric yellow BMW while stopped at a red light.

Everything about Halle's dress is demure from the slit to the cut out to the way the bottom of her dress looks like a dirty clear shower curtain. That's what my clear shower curtain looked like after I washed the red Manic Panic out of my hair. And if Halle wanted to wear a dress that made her left tit look like it was clinging to her right tit out of fear, she picked the right one! Who wouldn't want to wear a dress that makes their titties look like they're doing the slow wall slide to the right? Wall slide titties are so in right now.

And back to the slit. We're still witnessing the effects of St. Angie's fame whoring leg of 2012. See: Halle Berry, Rosie Huntington-Whateverly, Heidi Klum and Eva Longoria.

JLo's rent-to-own bitch Casper Smart spends every Sunday night playing a few games of Whac-Off-A-Pole at his favorite glory hole, but he had to keep it in his panties last night, because duty called. Casper Smart had to earn his paycheck by escorting JLo to the Golden Globes last night and he wasn't happy about it. You can tell from the looks on his face and the tuxedo, which he rented from Friar Don't Give A Fux.

A long ass time ago, I was in a wedding party and one of the groomsmen did not want to rent a tuxedo. Dude did not want to spend his money on renting a stupid tux. The groom told me that he would've pulled out his wallet and rented the tuxedo, but he was so mad at his groomsdude for being every kind of cheap. Then when we were all at the tuxedo shop, trying on tuxes, the cheap dude showed up with a wrinkly white shirt, oversized black pants and a white jacket with some stains on it. It was his brother's valet uniform and it's what he wanted to wear to the wedding. That valet uniform looked exactly like what Casper wore last night. Casper wasn't even trying to care.

JLo didn't even care that Casper didn't care, because she was too busy giving sexyface while looking like she was covered in sequined freezer burn. Anyway, Casper did his job and probably got a bonus for it. That means drinks after next week's game of Whac-Off-A-Pole are on Casper!

Here's a few more pictures from last night's GGs and I'm sure you've seen them all a million times already, but just pretend this is the first time you're spending time with them. In order!: JLo with Baby Casper, Amy Adams, Jessica Alba, a knocked up Kristen Bell with Dax Shepard, Emily Blunt with John Krasinski, Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton (who are everything), Jessica Chastain, Marion Cotillard, Daniel Craig with Rachel Weisz, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Zooey Deschanel, Megan Fox with David Silver, Jennifer Garner with JLo's ex, Salma Hayek , Lena Dunham, Kate Hudson and Sienna Miller.

File this under: Some Unprecedented Shit!

Usually when awards season ends, George Clooney gently puts a pink slip in his leased piece's hand, gives her the "What's in your backpack speech?" speech from Up In The Air and then tells her to leave her keys with the office manager. But he didn't do that to Stacy Keibler after last year's awards season ended and she even stuck around all through 2012. George's family and friends even learned Stacy's first AND last name. They never do that. Stacy not only sashayed through 2012 without getting fired by George, but she's also going to be his walking accessory during this awards season too.

As Sarah Larson (aka my favorite member of the Cloon Poon Club) let a drunk frat boy do orange Jell-O shots off of her stomach at a Golden Globes viewing party in the back room of Dave & Busters in the San Fernando Valley, Stacy posed next to George Clooney on the red carpet last night. Bitches had to pull out their eyeballs, dip them in Windex and put them back on, because they couldn't believe what they were seeing. Even Julianna Marguiles seemed taken aback over the fact that George hired Stacy for another year (or maybe Julianna just had gas, that's probably it).

Stacy achieved the impossible. She won the Hunger Games of trophy girlfriends two years in a row. Guinness Book of World Records needs to pick up a phone and call Stacy, because bitch is making history.

Somewhere in between asking for a wolf whistle, name dropping Honey Boo Boo and declaring that she's a single gayelle, I thought Jodie Foster also officially announced her retirement from doing acting stuff. I should've asked Detective La Toya, Robert Langdon and the Scooby Doo Gang to decipher her speech before I came to that conclusion, because she didn't retire from doing acting stuff. After Jodie Foster gave the most amazing coming out speech since one of my friends came out to his mom by saying, "Yes, mom, I like dick, so stop asking," she went backstage to the press room and let bitches know that she didn't announce her retirement from acting.

"I could never stop acting. You'd have to drag me behind, like, a team of horses. No, I'm not retiring from acting. And, you know, I'd like to be directing tomorrow . . . I'm actually more into it than I have ever been. [My point was] that people change. Change is important. And, you know, hopefully I'll be doing different things than I did when I was three years old and six years old and ten years old and 20 years old . . . My work is evolving."

Jodie also said that the rest of her speech "speaks for itself." Okay, if that's the case, then Jodie's speech is telling me that she dropped acid and chased it with cat tranquilizers before she went on stage, because  she looked like she was tripping while falling down a never-ending K-hole. But I'm glad Jodie cleared that up. Jodie is still a lesbian, still gave a magical and wondrous speech, and there's a chance she'll star in a remake of Nell. Chicka, chickabee. (Fun Fact: Every single one of Honey Boo Boo's family members got their nickname from a Nell phrase.)

Over the weekend there was a rumor that in a darkened conference room somewhere in L.A., Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence were whispering sweet nothings like, "I'll give you 5 staged photo-ops a month if you say that the sex is mind-boggling in an interview with Cosmo," into each other's ears as their publicists negotiated their relationship contract. B. Coop is beard-less after breaking with Zoe Saldana and Jennifer Lawrence recently broke up with the boy from About A Boy, so a rumor claimed that they were rebounding with each other. But at the Golden Globes last night, B. Coop denied it to Stepford robot Nancy O'Dell:

"We've done two movies together. If it didn't happen by now, it's not going to happen. No no no no no. Not even close. First of all I could be her father. I love her to death. She's amazing but no."

If B. Coop was dating Jennifer Lawrence, he'd have a giant red mark on his face from Victor Garber slapping him down. Victor Garber is supposed to be B. Coop's go-to-rebound piece after he shaves his latest beard off. Not Jennifer Lawrence! And I think I'm the only one who actually liked Jennifer Lawrence's speech. I mean, she quoted First Wives Club! That made up for the fact that she wore a dress that made her titties look like two melting snow cones.

It was hard for me to focus on Quentino Tarantino's acceptance speech after he won the Golden Globe for Best Screenplay, because earlier in the night Amy Poehler made a joke about the "rat-faced people" and the camera immediately cut to QT's face one second after she said it. It was perfect. So when rat-faced QT got on stage to accept his award, I kept picturing him nibbling toe cheese off of someone's foot and didn't listen to the words coming out of his mouth. Apparently, during his speech, the n-word never jumped off of his tongue, which is surprising. But when QT got backstage, the n-word flew out of his mouth once, which made the innocent reporters clutch their pristine ears.

At the 0:35 mark in the clip above, a reporter asks QT if he ever thought about not using the n-word while making and writing Django Unchained. QT answered the question without shutting any butts down, which is a good thing, because last night was definitely an open butt kind of night. But QT did drop the n-word just once:

No, not really, because it's... If somebody is out there actually saying it when it comes to the word nigger, that the fact that I was using it in the movie more than it was used in the Antebellum South in Missippii in 1858, then feel free to make that case. But no one is actually making that case. So in other words, they're actually saying that I should soften it, they're saying I should lie, they're saying I should whitewash, they're saying I should massage and I never do that when it comes to my characters."

E! News says that the room went completely silent and then later Don Cheadle, who took the stage after QT, broke the awkwardness by saying, "Please no 'nigger questions'. Black people questions are all right."

QT used the n-word to talk about why he used the n-word in his movie, so I'm not sure why reporters were shocked by him using it. Shit, they should be shocked that he didn't use it in his acceptance speech. I'm surprised he didn't thank the n-word in his speech, because without it, his movie would've been 90 minutes shorter since every character says it at least 200 million times each.

And here's a few of the Django Unchained hos (sans Samuel L. Jackson) before, during and after the Golden Globes last night: Rat-faced QT with his piece, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx.