Leonardo DiCaprio

It was hard for me to focus on Quentino Tarantino's acceptance speech after he won the Golden Globe for Best Screenplay, because earlier in the night Amy Poehler made a joke about the "rat-faced people" and the camera immediately cut to QT's face one second after she said it. It was perfect. So when rat-faced QT got on stage to accept his award, I kept picturing him nibbling toe cheese off of someone's foot and didn't listen to the words coming out of his mouth. Apparently, during his speech, the n-word never jumped off of his tongue, which is surprising. But when QT got backstage, the n-word flew out of his mouth once, which made the innocent reporters clutch their pristine ears.

At the 0:35 mark in the clip above, a reporter asks QT if he ever thought about not using the n-word while making and writing Django Unchained. QT answered the question without shutting any butts down, which is a good thing, because last night was definitely an open butt kind of night. But QT did drop the n-word just once:

No, not really, because it's... If somebody is out there actually saying it when it comes to the word nigger, that the fact that I was using it in the movie more than it was used in the Antebellum South in Missippii in 1858, then feel free to make that case. But no one is actually making that case. So in other words, they're actually saying that I should soften it, they're saying I should lie, they're saying I should whitewash, they're saying I should massage and I never do that when it comes to my characters."

E! News says that the room went completely silent and then later Don Cheadle, who took the stage after QT, broke the awkwardness by saying, "Please no 'nigger questions'. Black people questions are all right."

QT used the n-word to talk about why he used the n-word in his movie, so I'm not sure why reporters were shocked by him using it. Shit, they should be shocked that he didn't use it in his acceptance speech. I'm surprised he didn't thank the n-word in his speech, because without it, his movie would've been 90 minutes shorter since every character says it at least 200 million times each.

And here's a few of the Django Unchained hos (sans Samuel L. Jackson) before, during and after the Golden Globes last night: Rat-faced QT with his piece, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx.

Patsy Stone (real name: Joanna Lumley) risked getting the taste of Angel snatch and Victoria's Secret passion fruit lube in her mouth to show supermodel collector Leonardo DiCatchAHo how a seasoned woman gives it. Patsy Stone wouldn't normally lick on Leonardo even if he fell out of a vodka bottle, but it's Thanksgiving week in America and she felt it was only right to give a little something to an unfortunate soul who hasn't ever tasted a true goddess. Patsy Stone also did it, because she's on the Brooklyn set of Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street and she's getting a check to do it.

This is totally the reason why Leonardo will put an end to his Angel-chasing days. Would an Angel ever finger fuck his nostril while kissing? A prude, bland Angel would never. That's what separates the goddesses from the angels. So yeah, you can go ahead and cancel Leonardo's subscription to the VS Angel of the Month Club, because he's hooked. What's that saying Madonna has tattooed on her taint? Once you go cougar, you never go cub.

"As a multi-racial panty company our foundation is built upon both diversity and consideration for other cultures. Our intention with our new Poke-a-hotass bra and panties set was never to offend, hurt or trivialize Native American people, their culture or their history. We consulted with Native American friends and Native American studies experts at the University of California, and they told us Disney got it all wrong. Chief Powhatan was really a skinny dirty blonde girl from Chicago who wore leopard panties and bought all of her jewelry at tourist shops in Santa Fe. We sincerely apologize on behalf of the dumb dumbs at Disney and all of the high school history teachers who obviously got the history of the Native American people wrong. They should really update their books or something.

Love, kisses and woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woos - VS"

That is the exact statement Victoria's Secret is going to release after everybody freaks out about the mess of an outfit they put Karlie Kloss in. Moving on...

Memory lane walked in front of Leonardo DiCatchAHo last night when Victoria's Secret held their annual tits, ass and panties show in NYC. Although, every model there probably told reporters, "OHMYGAWD, I ate a dog, four hamburgers, six cakes, an entire Arby's and then I sucked off a Slurpee machine at 7-Eleven", I'm sure most of them have only eaten cigarette smoke and soda can sweat for the last two weeks. Victoria's Secret wants them to be skinnier than a ladybug's antennae, but they also want them to have the strength of a linebacker. Look at all that shit they have to carry on their backs. Victoria's Secret takes their models to Michael's and then goes down the aisle, throwing all sorts of craft crap on their backs. "You see that whole bin of plastic orchids over there? Tie it to that blonde one's back. There's a deconstructed parade float in the alley, throw it on Adriana. And that broken down Las Vegas hotel sign over there? Strap it to that other blonde."

After the show, the president of VS had two of the angels come over to his apartment and carry his grand piano on their backs down four flights of stairs. There really needs to be a Victoria's Secret Angels moving company. 

Here's Victoria's Secret angel collector Leonardo DiCatchAHo looking like you want to buy a vowel from his ass, because he looks like Pat Sajak if Pat Sajak's toupee was made out of bloated guinea pigs. Leonardo drowned the top of his head in a bowl of Nice 'N Easy and rubbed his face on a plate of Fashion Fair foundation to play a stockbroker in the 80s in Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street. No, The Wolf of Wall Street isn't a sequel to Teen Wolf and isn't about Scott Howard all grown up and working as a stockbroker. I wish.

Leo looks like either a roasted marshmallow in a Wink Martindale wig or like the real-life, freshly shaven version of that gorgeously restored Jesus Christ portrait.  So based on those descriptions alone, I'd hit it. Yes.

That beard. I don't whether to say it's a glorious piece of man fur and should be used to sell Brawny paper towels. Or is it a gross piece of muff that probably smells like dirty ass on a humid day? It looks like it's about to grow legs and piss on wall corners and hump knees. A dude should probably bring out the hedge clippers, Flowbee and grooming leash when his bushy beard beast starts to crawl past his neck and is about to become one with the hair lake on his chest. Those two bodies of hair should never touch. But then again, it kind of butches him up and kind of makes him look like a leather cub in his everyday clothes. Conflicted!

Here's Leonardo DiCaprio and his piece of the moment, Bar Blake Erin Laura Crystal or whatever her name is, riding their bikes in Manhattan yesterday. Riding bikes in NYC is a serious sport and is no joke. There's this bike lane by my apartment and it gets really busy on Saturdays. Sometimes, I stand there and watch the battle between ENRAGED bikers and clueless bitches standing in the middle of the bike lane, waiting to cross the street. I'm always impressed at how the bikers manage to spit out almost every insult in a matter of seconds. "Get out of the goddamn bike lane you stupid piece of shit cunt motherfucker dumb whore douche ass I hope I kill you one day you stupid brain dead dick." The rage that shoots out of their angry assholes can power their bike for miles. It really is some good Saturday entertainment. And yes, I'm easily impressed and easily entertained. We know this.

Since Leonardo DiCatchAHo is busy trolling Victoria's Secret casting calls for his next piece, Kate Winslet has to do promo stuff for Titanic 3D by herself and ho is on fire. Kate is that bitch (aka YOU) at her 15th high school reunion who has a glass of the sweet nectar permanently attached to her hand and farts at the mouth about how much she hated their class song and how everyone looks like shit with love handles. So when Kate brought her Don't Give A Fuck tour to Daybreak (via Daily Mail), she didn't hold back when joking about how much she and Leo have changed since she let go of his hand 15 years ago:

"We do look very different, we’re older. Leo’s 37, I’m 36 – we were 21 and 22 when we made that film. You know, he’s fatter now – I’m thinner. It’s true though!"

It's true that 1997 Leo looked like the kind of beautifully androgynous twink that Hilary Swank might play in a biopic and 2012 Leo looks like his eyes shrunk while his face grew. But I don't know what Kate is trying to say here. If Kate is trying to say she looks hotter now, then I need her to draw me wearing this and only this, because that is not true. 1997 Kate could totally beat 2012 Kate in a beauty pageant. But I'm only saying that because I've always had a thing for white cholas in chokers.

Page Six reports that at the after-party for the Victoria's Secret fashion show the other night, Leonardo DiCatchAHo strolled in with a gift registry scanner in hand, ready to scan the barcodes on all the models he wants for Christmas. But one source says that 37-year-old Leo (Happy Birfday, Leo!) put down his scanner when his eyes landed on 19-year-old model Karlie Kloss. Leo mostly stayed at his table with Gay Fish, Lukas Haas and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but his gaze stayed fixed on Karlie's barely legal ass. The George Clooney-ing of Leo has officially begun.

The source said that Leo kept trolling around the party for models before settling into the "boys' table" to stare at Karlie, “He couldn’t take his eyes off her....but it wasn’t clear whether he made a move."

Leo would never make a move at a party. Leo is a born romantic, a total gentlemen and completely traditional. If Leo wants a date with Karlie, he'll order her through the Victoria's Secret catalog and make sure to get a receipt just in case he has to return her for talking too much (that's option "d" on the return order form).

Leo is seriously a beige windbreaker and a moustache away from being that creeper who trolls college campuses looking for young girls he can go up to and say, "Has anybody told you that you can be a model?" One of those creepers types pulled that on my friend once and gave her a flyer for a totally fake modeling agency. This broke ass flyer didn't have a telephone number on it, but it did have an e-mail address that read something like: assman67@hotmail.com. What kind of sexual predator really thinks that a girl is going to fall for an e-mail address like that? No serious modeling agency would ever use Hotmail.

Meanwhile, a source says that Jakey Gyllenhaal was at the same party and spent 30 minutes talking to Brazilian model Izabel Goulart. Yes, talking. That's what we're calling "a beard fitting" these days.

In one of the rooms of his multimillion dollar eco-friendly hybrid penthouse, Leonardo DiCaprio is crying all over the Australian model nipples of Alyce Crawford and only presses pause on his bawl bitch session to ask her to mutter like a Novocained up Mumbles with a peen in his mouth just like the love that got away Blake Lively! Now that Amy Winehouse is no longer here to do the honors, I guess somebody has to stick their head out of their apartment window to let out a woeful BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE as their hearts break like my nerves whenever I watch Blake Lively try to act.

Blake and Leo's 5-month-long whatever ended recently and UsWeekly says that it wasn't him, it was her. An "anonymous source" (If those quotation marks were wings they'd fly straight into the BlackBerry of Blake's publicist) tells UsWeekly that Leo was all ready to make the modeling world mourn the loss of their biggest man whore benefactor by turning in his DiCatchAHo membership card to settle down with Blake, but she just wasn't ready to domesticate. Today, bull shit smells a lot like Blake Lively's breath. The source put it like this:

"Blake wasn't ready to move to the next level. It was just too much, too quickly. Blake wasn't ready to settle down. He's looking for someone to eventually start a family with...That's not where she's at. She's only 24! He's more mature. They're not in the same place right now."

After Blake gnawed on the edges of Leo's heart and spit that shit out into the compost pile on his roof top deck like the cold-blooded, man-slurping (FYI: it's hard to eat when you've got a jaw made of Gummy Worms) bland widow that she is, she went off to Boston to make Ryan Reynolds her next victim. Once she turns Ryan into a puddle of sad tears and broken heart pieces, she'll get George Clooney to change his name to George Lively when he breaks his anti-marriage oath to marry the mumbler of his DREEEEEEEAAAAMS. Yes, that's all going to happen.

Full Disclosure: The last part of this post was taken straight from the dream journal of Blake Lively's publicist and has been republished here with permission.

First Katie Price and that Argentinian piece who made my gaydar pucker end their beautiful love affair via a translator (because she doesn't speak Spanish and he isn't completely fluent in Whore yet), and now UsWeekly is telling us that Blake NotSoLively and Leonardo DiCatchAHo's short-term contract is up and they aren't even trying to renegotiate. Pop your umbrellas, because something tells me that suicidal cherubs will be falling out of the sky today.

Reps for both Blake and Leonardo confirm to UsWeekly that after 5 months of contract-enforced dates in Monte Carlo, Venice, and NYC, they have broken up, but are still friends.

As much as this news saddens me, because it makes me long for the days when celebrity couples showed they were really committed to each other by signing long-term contracts (see: Reese and Jake), this shit was bound to happen.

Leo just can't give his heart to a piece unless she gives 10% of the earnings she made from posing in Sports Illustrated to her agent at IMG. And Blake is just not meant to happen even though Hollywood keeps shoving her down our eye holes the same way almost every model is shoving her portfolio into Leo's mail slot right about now. Blake is the Pippa Middleton of American actresses. She is never EVER going to happen. (Cut to the no-so-distance future when Blake is thanking her husband Ryan Gosling as she accepts her Best Actress Oscar while I get my words eatin-ready by sprinkling hot sauce on them.)

Bikini models hoping to spend the rest of summer sunning their nipples on a yacht in the South of Wherever should stop waiting to a call for a go see at Leonardo DiCatchaho's office, because the dude is not back to catching hos. Now Magazine said earlier this week that Leo pushed Blake Lively off of his dick because his mom thought she was too far up her own oatmeal ass. (I'm trying to picture that image too and I'm coming up with this.) Either Now was freebasing Wite-Out and made this mess up or Leo's mother realized that she can't be mean to a ho who has the face constipated pony with heatstroke.

Because UsWeekly says that Blake and Leo were buying sunglasses together at some store in Santa Barbara, CA on Wednesday. Some source they were holding on to each other the whole time and then went on to BLAH BLAH this out, "They seemed very much in love. They were in the store for about 10 minutes before a crowd of fans noticed them and they rushed out."

Sooooo Blaaaaaaaaaake and Leeeeeeeooooooo are stiiiiiiiiil fuuuuuucking. Yes, I'm trying to make you care about this by using as many vowels as possible so it reads like I'm screaming it out full-mouth. Didn't work, I know. So for your troubles, here's a video of a baby sloth giving his response to this post: