Kate de Brito
Wednesday, December 01, 2010 at 08:15am
Dear Bossy: Earlier this year I wrote to you about issues with my parents fighting and moving out of the house. Thank you so much for your constructive advice as I did move out of my house and I think that if I hadn’t I would be far worse off as their issues have escalated. Currently I have been having the most fun of my life, I’m independent, making new friends and turning into a bit of a party animal but instead of it being a whole happy story I seem to be in another bit of a fix. I feel horribly guilty writing to you again, but I can’t seem to be able to pick up the phone to call the Lifeline or other organisations. I don’t know if I even really want help but my friends who I am confiding in want me to seek it, to the point where I am losing them because they are getting frustrated by my inaction.
I am pretty certain I have developed an eating disorder, perhaps amongst other things. I started binge eating after I moved out… well I was a little before but it got out of control after I moved out, especially when I am on my own. Then I started vomiting after binges. Then I started taking laxatives as well. Then I started taking more. Then I started vomiting after eating salads and perhaps exercising a little excessively. I don’t think it’s starting to wear on my body too hard yet but I seem to have a sore throat a lot of the time, a permanent cough and I know it’s starting to do damage. If I eat more than 800 calories a day I start to panic, perhaps lose control and I end up eating chocolate and then in the bathroom.
Even days where I eat 400 I may end up purging. It’s more days than not that I end up in the bathroom at the moment and perhaps several times that day. It’s getting up to 14 times a week and I seem to be constantly losing my voice and my throat is always hurting. I am ashamed to say that one time I forced myself to puke so much that I puked blood and stupidly instead of stopping I was so desperate to get everything out that I kept going. I then sat in bed waiting to see if perhaps I had ruptured or damaged my throat or insides enough that I was bleeding internally. I didn’t seek medical attention because I was embarassed. It turned out fine, but at the time it was a fair bit of blood.
But the days that I am in control I feel so normal that I feel like a bit of an idiot even writing this to you. It feels like I should be able to stop whenever I want to, but I am not sure if I can or even want to. I can’t seem to stop binging and I don’t want to get fatter. If I could stop binge-eating I would probably stop purging, if I could stick to 800 calories a day or less, but I don’t want to stop vomiting if I keep losing control and scarfing food down my face.
I am scared to seek treatment because it may entail someone trying to take control and make me gain weight rather than helping me healthily continue to lose weight. I think if I started to gain weight, well I don’t know what I would do… avoid treatment for sure at the least. I have to admit that if it does come down to that I probably won’t seek treatment as I would prefer to continue getting thinner even if does mean that I destroy my body in the process rather than get fat. I am happier thinner than I was fat, I am scared to death of it. I have also been partying a lot more and taking up the lifestyle it entails.
It feels like I am binging a little on the experience, I tend to go all out, and partly because it means I burn a lot of calories, have a lot of energy and it suppresses my appetite. Sometimes for days. Some of my closer friends are worried that I am getting too involved in that as well as I am out every night on a weekend. I seem not to be able to find middle ground but swing between excesses, I am afraid of that part of me that seems to have little self control and hurtles into a binge of food, alcohol (when i drink it) and, well, other stuff.
I really wish I had better news for you after all of your advice, and that of your readers.
Bossy says: You know that voice inside you telling you not to relinquish control? The voice that tells you to lose just a little more weight? Well, here’s the secret. That sly, seductive voice which has been gently whispering in your ear for a while now, is not your friend. It is your darkest enemy.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. It does an excellent job of acting like your best friend. In fact, right now it probably feels like the only thing/person that really gets you. It has a way of insinuating itself into your thoughts so you believe it is truly looking out for your best interests.
You will cry rivers of tears when it dawns on you that he/she/it has been taking you for a ride.
This voice, the one that pretends to be looking out for you, is a serpent. If you challenge it properly you will see it’s true colours. It will hiss and fight. It will call you names and make you feel worthless. It will work its seductive ways. But all the while, its greatest wish is to destroy you.
This voice, the voice of an eating disorder is made up of many elements - society, your own sense of self, your upbringing. You come from a family where you previously described abusive, violent and alcoholic parents. Over time this tends to mess with your head.
At some point you will recognise this voice is not - and will never be - your “true” voice, the voice of love within you. It is the dark side, and it will swallow you whole.
Fighting back from an eating disorder takes enormous courage. It takes courage to turn away from the smooth embracing voice that seems to offer you salvation. But there is no courage in following the voice. The voice might tell you how strong you are, how “in control”...but the voice is a lie. True strength is not following the voice. This is a descent into hell.
You will be giving yourself the world’s greatest gift the moment you muffle the voice and reach out to others for help. You will be doing yourself the first honest service in months when you tell someone important what is going on. Tell someone who will not ignore your plight. Tell the person who will not rest until you get help. Tell a doctor or your best friend or a stable adult in your life.
Once you begin to get help you will recognise that doctors and psychologists don’t want you to take away your control to “make” you gain weight. They want to give you back the control that has been snatched from you by the voice. They want to give you back what belongs to you.
I know this resonates with you. And I know the voice will call out from the background to ignore this understanding. Have courage. Fight back. You are hurting yourself physically more than you think but emotionally the toll is far worse.
Ask for help now. The voice is not your friend.
And please, don’t ever feel guilty asking for help, from me or anyone else. We all deserve help.
70 Comments
You have anorexia… Brought on by a need for control in your life.
Nobody here is going to give you magical advice that will stop you feeling the need to starve yourself… What you need is a nutritionist, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist for some SSRI’s…
Only YOU can help yourself.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (08:25am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:24am)
CTT, have you ever had an eating disorder of any kind? If you havent and you find yourself incapable of constructive criticism then for F@!*’s sake, PISS OFF.
OP, get yourself some help, please. The sooner the better. If you are making yourself sick to get your parents attention and to stop them from fighting, thats the wrong way of doing it. By the time they realise something is wrong, it will be too late.
Get the help you need now and then try to piece back together the rest of your life.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:29am)
It’s more bulimia than anorexia. I’ve been through it, being overweight the entire time. It’s a horrible thing. I managed to get myself out of it but it did take quite a few years. I didn’t seek help, I just realised how much better it felt to just eat healthy and not put yourself in that position where you have a need to feel guilty.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:49am)
This isn’t aneroxia.
Its a mix - its what I had/are currently trying to get rid of.
I used to throw up after ANYTHING I ate - it could have been half a handful of nuts, salad, it didn’t matter - I did not like the idea of food being processed at all.
And at the same time I tried to eat very little. So it’s like a mix of anorexia and bulimia.
While I am still struggling I have come as far as to be able to eat some main meals without doing anything - dinner is the hardest for me, though.
What you need to do is find another way to be rid of your anxiety after eating food. Walk? Read a book? talk to friends? I prefer a shower.
If you tell someone about this - someone close to you it may make it harder to continue the behaviour, and will encourage you to stop.
I know what you mean by that you would prefer to be thinner than care how it destroys your body.
But you will not feel this way in the future.
I think the problem is the thinner you get, the thinner you want to be. You want to be perfect - this is an unreasonable expectation of yourself - nobody is perfect.
Some other things to remember is - after some time your body will adapt to this - it will try to hold on to ANY food you give it, as it will realise your pattern of getting rid of it.
If you seek help they will not try and take control from you.
They will attempt to simply speak to you about it - encourage you to change how you view this. And they will not force anything on you - they will go at your own pace.
I speak from my past experience.
Seek help - I assure you it is not as scary as you might think.
See a doctor you are comfortable with - they will be able to set you up on the mental health care plan - medicare should then cover a great deal of the cost of seeing someone.
Good luck OP
Wed 01 Dec 10 (12:17pm)
Oh, you are a doctor now too?
Take a running jump, you fool
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:10pm)
You guys are clueless.
How is my point invalid? It still stands, nothing anyone says on here is going to magically make her start eating ‘normally’ and ‘healthily’ again.... Only she, herself, can do this… How? By consulting a nutritionist to get a healthy eating pattern under the way, a psychiatrist for some SSRI’s to help alleviate her mood, and a psychologist to do CBT with, and console her through this.
Also, on the note of anorexia, I am sure Bossy can back me up on this one… It IS anorexia if someone has a extremely reduced appetite and/or isn’t eating at all… The fact that she said that she will only eat 400 cals a day proves this point! There is a difference between anorexia and anorexia nervosa. The latter being a psychiatric condition, where as the former can be because of cancer, malnutrition, illness etc…
I have said it before, there are four people whom visit this blog:
Bored employee’s.
Bored, lonely housewives.
The unemployed.
Yours truly.
Now, you might think I’m “trolling” with that statement, but it’s truth. Now stop driveling crap to make the op feel better. You are the type to do more damage in her situation… You’re basically telling her “there there, things will get better, just try to eat a bit more..” which isn’t how these things work at all.
The OP already knows that they need help, so simply telling them “you need help” isn’t going to be of much help, hey? They came on here because they wanted help after all… They knew they had a problem, hell, their friends have probably told them they have a problem, whether or not that was to their face or not, is beyond me. However, her mind needed convincing. She is rational, but irrational at the same time. They wanted affirmation, consolation at that.
All it takes is one phone call, or one visit to the doc, and you will be on your way for a year or so of counseling. Sure, that might have scared you… But the longer you put off going to counseling, the longer it’s going to take for you to actually get over your need for control, and start leading a healthier existence.
P.S: You’re only hurting and damaging yourself. Nothing you do or say is going to fix the issues between your parents. If anything, they will blame one and another and fight more.. This applies to anyone and everything… You can’t control how other people behave, only your own behavior...This is something you need to understand, otherwise you will always have control issues in your life.
This last bit is completely unrelated, but I thought I would share it… I hope that’s okay Bossy… I think I have been of good help in this post in educating not only the OP, but the wider community… So let me say this to everyone....
Take light in the fact that neither I, nor you, or anyone else in this world truly matters. Our existence is meaningless when put into context; we are so insignificant. All of us are merely a speck in the cosmos. We live on average, 80 insignificant years, which is so minuscule, and so insignificant in contrast to the universe, or even our own Earth, whom has been around for some 4-5 billion years.
We are so selfish, and so arrogant to think we matter. When in reality, the only people who think we matter, are us ourselves. Come 100 years from now… You, I, everyone will be nothing but a rotten, dried up skeleton, and in some cases, ashes. Everything has a used by; an expiration date. From the rocks along the coast line, to human existence… When we as a whole start to realise that we truly are so insignificant, and are all guilty of delusions of grandeur, then perhaps all of our trivial problems will cease.
Gone would be the days of trivial, high school bitching and bullshit. Gone would be the days of petty fights and arguments over things that don’t truly matter. Gone would be the days of greed and selfishness… Of course we are all guilty of some of these things. I, myself, get worked up over promiscuity and how immoral society has become, so I am as guilty as anyone else. However, I actually acknowledge how insignificant everything in this world is… Compared to beauty of the universe that is… So perhaps, maybe, if just one person truly thought about it for a second, like I have… Then maybe they would have a more peaceful life… They may even go home happier today. Who knows.
I hope you publish this....
Good night.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (02:34pm)
Shut the hell up CTT, you are normally an idiot but your self obsessed rant does nothing to clarify the situation for the OP. You’ve never been in that position, nor are you in a position to give advice. I don’t think the overwhelming consensus here will be ‘there there, just eat a little more and you’ll be fine’.
OP, please go to your local GP who can put you in touch with people to talk to. They can talk through many issues with you, and in conjunction with the GP, come up with a Treatment Plan to get you better. They are there to help, not judge, and asking for help shows strength, not weakness. Being weak is doing nothing at all. It is great that you reached out to Bossy, but you need a lot more than a blog to get you well again.
Bossy responded to your story with great advice which was very well phrased and delivered. Take this advice, as you took the previous advice, to make a change for the better. It is not too late, this behaviour has not been occurring for too long, and the damage should be minimal. If you let this go, you will only be hurting yourself.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (02:44pm)
Captain pea brain, do us all a favour and drink a pint of petrol then play in a bush fire.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (02:46pm)
CTT, practise what you preach. Accept that you have issues and seek help. You GP will be able to refer you to an appropriate counsellor. You will be a happier person after undergoing some attitude modification sessions.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (03:10pm)
oh
my
god
CTT you are a downright DICK.
BOSSY - HOW COULD YOU PUBLISH SUCH DROOL !?!?!?!?!?!??!
Wed 01 Dec 10 (03:51pm)
CTT, why do you keep talking when no-one has any interest in what you have to say? Seriously.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (04:15pm)
Bossy, my love, we need a sign saying:
“Please do not feed the trolls”
CTT, for the record I dont fit into any of your categories. I could justify to you why I dont fit into any of the categories you put forward, but that would be feeding your ego and Im all out of chicken pellets.
Please get back under the rock from which you crawled out.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (08:39pm)
“ I don’t think it’s starting to wear on my body too hard yet “
well it has and on your mind to.
Quite right, you are the only one that can fix this
Thu 02 Dec 10 (12:41am)
Thank you CTT for being accurate in your description of anorexia and how it is different to anorexia nervosa. I currently study medical stuff at uni and the greater public do not have even the slightest understanding of the medical terminology. And sorry for high jacking turned out long than I thought. Bossy could email to her if deemed suitable.
To the OP – as you are pretty certain you have an eating disorder, you may be quite right, also you have recognised that your behaviours are damaging your body and mind. You say you are “having the most fun of my life” and are happy, my question to you is, are you really truly happy doing these things? Apparently not as you desire to change, yet you are scared to death of it, and as you pointed out, you may lose control. But my question is, haven’t you already lost control as you can’t stop yourself doing this?
We are lucky to live in Australia as access to medical help is optional, a wonderful principle called Autonomy, as a patient you have the right to refuse or choose your treatment and they have to explain all benefits and risks to you, at a level you can understand.
So even if you seek medical treatment, YOU ARE IN CONTROL, they will not force anything upon you, only assess you and seek to help you.
Currently you are not in control of your behaviors, you may think you can curb the binging and purging, but as you mention they are getting worse. By seeking help you will become in control of yourself, you will have the power and the strength to become truly happy. And yes, you can still be thin, pretty and popular while working to become physically and mentally healthy.
Onto the facts, a visit to your GP (bulk billing one if you are poor), they can start you on a mental health plan, this allows access to a psychologist with no expense to you, first allows for 6-12 sessions, and if deemed necessary by the GP and psychologist more. All billed to Medicare and you get to choose which ever psychologist you want. It also covers you in the event you meet them and decide you don’t like them, then you can simply choose another one. A GP can also refer you to a dietitian if you have a chronic (on-going) condition, which if you are diagnosed with an eating disorder falls under this category.
The GP may also want to refer you to a psychiatrist, this can also be mostly covered by Medicare (think I was out of pocket about $80 for a 1 hour visit), but I don’t know so much about that, please do ask your doctor.
Currently you are out of control with the eating behaviors but treatment is in your hands, unfortunately if you do continue and get sicker , there are laws that can be enacted that do take away your choice, this is when they put you in hospital and compel you to eat and take medication. Also if this happens, your parents may gain control of your power of attorney and be able to make medical decision about YOU, on your behalf and NO ONE wants that. If you do something now, that will not happen, you can be helped in a way that you choose, be at home and be free to make your own choices. I strongly suggest you make one soon.
Good luck, you have been so strong all year and all your life, it is ok to ask for help, everybody needs it occasionally.
PS. Large amounts of blood from the stomach is a medical emergency (you can die if something has ruptured), please call the paramedics if that happens again, paramedics and nurses have seen it all, (think deodorant cans stuck up rear ends) so never feel embarrassed, we are here to help and love helping someone in genuine need. Also the reason for the sore throat and cough is that the acid from your stomach is literally eating away at your vocal cords (and teeth), over time it will get worse and it will hoarsen your voice. I am sure you are aware of the bad effects it has on your body by starving and purging, so please get some help before it consumes you.
Thu 02 Dec 10 (01:16am)
You are wrong about everybody being insignificant and meaningless and I feel sorry for you that you feel that way. The point is that that there may be a lot of us, but we are all important because of the way we impact the people around us. The simple fact that disproves your theory, about us being the only people who think we matter, is how much I care for my mother, father, brother and lover and how important they are to me. The people who I love matter a great deal to me. Your argument has no basis.
Thu 02 Dec 10 (09:42am)
“I have said it before, there are four people whom visit this blog:
Bored employee’s.
Bored, lonely housewives.
The unemployed.
Yours truly. “
...any bored lonely housewives I’m available for dirty/flirty texts/emails
(This is probably more relevant to yesterday’s other blog)
Thu 02 Dec 10 (10:39am)
CTT is right Eating Disorders like the one being described by the OP are normally linked to depression and anxiety to which there is no golden bullet, It takes work. Often there are quite real and legitimate factors that can cause these feelings. Op needs to confront these issues and work through them not be molly coddled by well-meaning but enfeebling people.
And Women are really bad at helping other women with weight issues, Statics show most women have unrealistic expectation for being ‘thin’ and you subconsciously project them onto those around you as part of a natural group think, plus subconscious competition means you are possibly going to sabotage them with out even realising it.
I have been Obese and have now maintained a healthy weight for about 9 years. Ultimately it is about life change, OP your life style is not healthy (physically, mentally or emotionally) and this Eating disorder is the ‘effect’ of that on you. You need to find the ‘cause’ and remove it from your life style(or in some other way change to manage it).
Fri 03 Dec 10 (07:49am)
CTT I agree with you. This isn’t a blog about online affairs or cheating boyfriends this has the potential for life and death. While all of us will pack our things and leave work for the night back to our lives OP is still left with this serpent feeding her self loath and hate. OP please get off the computer, pick up the phone and call a professional that can help you.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (11:06am)
CTT - I have to ask - WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SPECIAL!?!?!?!
Either you have a job and fall into th first category, are a SAHM and fall into the second category, or hav no job and fall into the third..... but no, you had to go and create a special fourth category just for yourself because you think you’re better than the rest of us.
Not to mention once again you’ve turned a post about someone who desperately needs help into a rant about how wonderful and special you are, and how worthless all of us are.
As others have said, take your own advice and get some help. You’re clearly deranged.
As for the OP - you do need help, there is no denying that. It is hard to make ourselves vulnerable, but please go to your GP, and show him what you wrote to bossy (a printed piece of paper will be much easier than having to actually say it out loud - trust me). It will be hard, but you are capable of being healthy. And unless you are dangerously underweight no doctor is going to force you to gain weight
Please get help. NOW. You know you can, you have sought help here, but you need professional and ongoing help and support.
Please. NOW.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (08:28am)
I really like that advice, “It takes courage to turn away from the smooth embracing voice that seems to offer you salvation. But there is no courage in following the voice.”
I have watched a friend struggle with an eating disorder for years. She has all the tools, and all the ability to turn away from her illness but doesn’t, in the end it is easier to give into her obsessions, to over-exercise, to have the cookies and damage her body getting rid of them, etc. In the process she is using up the people around her for support and buring through multiple friendships.
Please OP, get help. Get help now. The alternatives aren’t being sick or being fat. There is another one, and that is being healthy. With time you can get there. Join a support group, see a counsellor but please get help because you are ruining your life. Best wishes.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (08:31am)
Truthfully you need to get some assistance, there is no shame in it and obviously for you to be doing such things is a very clear message that you must seek professional assistance. This eating disorder could one of two things, the first a way for you to vent your anger (mind you not a good way) or the second may be that you have not resolved underlying issues that are causing you to lash out at your body (like someone who self harms).
Seek some counseling or see someone for the eating disorder, eventually this will kill your mind and body if you do not address it. It can also potentially damage any chance of kids in teh future as well.
You have done very well to better your life, but just because you have surpassed one major obstacle, it does not mean others will not eventuate in the future and that you won’t have to deal with them either. Life is a mass of challenges, learning how to deal with emotional distress is the key to turning your life around.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (08:34am)
listening to the advice on this forum, but not making decisions to act is not going to help you.
Please see professional help. It’s always scary when you first do that, but they are there to help you, and most professionals take on these things because they are
1. Professional
2. damn good at their job
3. Care the extra mile because they have entered their specialised field.
Take the first step. We all fall over in life, but we all gotta keep trying to move forward and climb over the hurdles.
Good luck.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (08:44am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:25am)
Pinch punch, first day of the month..
Hahaha UP YOURS, Dr.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (12:53pm)
Bossy all my comments regarding Captain Truth Teller are only made to highlight the fact that he is not providing any useful, witty, on topic or even humourous comments to what was once a great forum. The forum is soiled now every day by CTT derailing the topics, with his bitter, twisted, baiting and above all inexperienced viewpoint.
take this comment from him for example, it serves no basis whatsoever with regards to dealing with the problem at hand. In fact, it’s just a blatant direct assault on my comment, which was completely formed out of concern for the OP’s letter.
There’s a clear difference between my sledging him, and him sledging me. I have no feelings of good or bad for CTT. His opinions for the majority are completely irrelevant, they never stir new thoughts or inspiration in others. They merely cultivate a negative vibe in this forum.
Sincerely,
Thu 02 Dec 10 (12:45pm)
I think that’s a bit disengenuous Dr O, as you have engaged with CTT on a number of occasions in a similar manner.
To be honest, since CTT got so long-winded and started doing the seperate line thing, I just scroll past. My mouse has one of those little wheely-buttons and it’s just a few simple finger movements and presto- CTT doesn’t bug me at all.
I would suggest that if you really don’t like him, then this would be the most effective solution. But everyone does like to engage, and so we have him on the blog. It’s not just him contributing to the whole situation, but everybody.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (11:17am)
CTT bugs the hell out of me too… he may actually have some nuggets of wisdom to offer, but as soon as I see his posts (and they’re easy to spot - double spacing, bold and italics, emoticons) I just scroll right past.
Look, if the guy was really so cut up about the terrible treatment he claims to get on here, he’d pick a new alias to fly under the radar, or better yet he’d leave and actuall stay gone. The fact he keeps coming back only proves he loves the attention, and negative attention is better than nothing.
We really do need to learn not to feed the troll.
But JAS is dead right Dr - you, and many others, have over and over posted comments that really don’t help the OP, and go off topic completely.
Bossy is right - the voice is not your friend at all - and it’s so hard not to listen to it shouting at you. I was anorexic for a few years - I have now been recovered for 10 years. At my worst I was eating nothing more than a bowl of steamed veggies every day and I weighed 32 kilos (and was hospitalised). I listened to that voice that told me I was fat, out of control, and just not good enough.
It took a lot of therapy, and talking about my demons to anyone who would listen. Make sure you ask for help - there are so many people who can support you in this. It is a very lonely disease, particularly because it makes you feel so ashamed. The social stigma is terrible too - the idea that you should ‘just eat’ and that’s it’s all about wanting to look like a model. It’s a mental illness, and something that we shouldn’t be ashamed about - the worst thing you could do is to hide it and not seek help.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:01am)
You’ve hit the nail on the head - its all about control.
You’re trying to control your body by purging. But you’ve become addicted to the feeling. Now, you’re spinning out of control.
True control of oneself is the learned ability to handle life’s obstacles. Outlets like purging are a desperate way to gain back some semblance of control when you cannot handle life’s obstacles.
Going and talking to a therapist is a better way of gaining control. The therapist will help you regain control of your eating habits as well as help you learn how to hand life’s problems. Go see a therapist, knowing that they cannot force you to do what you do not want to do. They will tell you that purging is bad for you, but only you can stop purging. You know that deep down, the real fear is having to be accountable to someone about the fact that you are hurting yourself. You’re afraid that someone is going to call you out and ‘force you to give up control of your purging’. Try to think of it more as you and your therapist facing down yourself. You are your own worst enemy at the moment, and volutanrily seeking help is you tackling that awful little voice in your head.
Asking for help is not a weak thing to do. It takes a LOT of guts to ask for help, because you need to humble yourself and admit that you are not God. You are human, you make mistakes, and you need a friend sometimes to help you get better.
Please go get some help. Cheers, Sarah.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:14am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (11:33am)
Well said Sarah.
Especially that ‘It takes a LOT of guts to ask for help ‘
As no one likes to admit they can’t handle everything themselves, I know I don’t one iota !! yet it is still Important that we do ...
Fri 03 Dec 10 (12:44pm)
Both Sarah and Bossy are spot on there OP. Been there, done that myself, and still, 12 yrs on have occasional strugglles with that nasty little voice that tells me that I don’t deserve to eat dinner because of some tiny, perceived “failure” in another aspect of my life.
I’m by no means a medical expert, but I have had the misfortune to witness a significant number of women torturing themselves in this fashion and variations on the theme thereof (I was a ballet dancer years ago and well, I think we all know that dancers don’t have a great track record when it comes to eating disorders).
Here’s the thing OP, the need to control your body is generally not related to your weight alone. It’s commonly related to a need to compensate for a perceived lack of control in other areas of your life. It may be the issues you’ve mentioned with your parents, it could have been triggered by any number of factors (bad day at school/work you name it). When you begin to feel that your life is in some ways out of control or that you’re failing in some regard, you may begin to feel the urge to control the areas of your life where you feel you’re able to do so - and physical control gives the biggest and most immediate sense of power.
Personally, my biggest problem was feeling that I needed to live up to the expectations of certain other people who were not exactly right in the head themselves. This resulted in the patterns you are currently seeing in yourself. With me though, I took it a step further and would not eat full stop. Great sense of power- until I collapsed in the middle of a busy street in peak-hour traffic.
That’s when I slowly started to realise that the nasty voice, as Bossy calls it, had control over me. To the point where it almost killed me. It was no longer ME controlling MY body. It never was. It was simply a means for my mind to express my fear, pain and anger (at myself and those around me).
Don’t do this to yourself. I know its’ easier said than done, but seeking help is necessary. If not for the eating issues at first, then at least talk to someone about what you think may be causing this. I will bet it’s not just feeling fat.
I was always terrified (and i cannot stress this enough—TERRIFIED!!!) of going to see a “shrink”. The thought of having to tell a stranger the thoughts I could barely face up to myself was beyond excruciating, but you need to do it. It helps. I finally went to see one this year after 12 yrs of hell. I thought i had dealt with the eating issues myself and I had, to an extent. But it turned out i never dealt with the cause of the eating disorder. THAT is what you need to identify. and that, is what councelling will help you to do. Don’t do what I did and leave it for a decade in the hope that it’ll either go away, or that you’ll do it yourself. I deeply regret not dealing with my stuff earlier - i ended up wasting a great deal of time, living with my self-hatred. It’s not worth it, no matter how scary getting help may seem.
P.S. sorry about the text wall - when I read your letter, it resonated. My apologies if I rambled on far too much
Well, I think you definitely have an eating disorder, and you’ve obviously identified that, otherwise you wouldn’t have written to Bossy.
You have two choices. Either you continue with your binge eating, which will drive your friends away, and will ultimately end your life. Or, you could seek help.
No one can make the decision for you, but a professional might help you to visualise these two paths more clearly.
What is absolutely certain, is that what you are doing does have an idelible affect on your health, and untreated, will kill you.
How much is your life worth? The cost of a phone call? That’s the bargain of the century.
Good luck.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:22am)
My poor dear young lady!
Please see a doctor, as soon as possible. When you have finished reading these responses, go to the telephone and make an appointment. They can help you.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:32am)
Bossy,
in my opinion thats the best answer you have given since i started reading this blog.
OP,
I hear you. 12 years of gymnastics and dance left me with absolutely no idea how to deal with eating and exercise and food in general. I had no idea even what a “normal” portion size for a meal was. I didn’t get help and no one offered it...And it took me a good 10 years to get through it…
Bossy is right, that voice is not your friend.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:35am)
Fri 03 Dec 10 (12:47pm)
here here!
I am still of the opinion that some dance teachers aught to be charged with child abuse.
Please listen to Bossy’s advice and get help. You are doing damage to yourself now and may not see the results of this damage for years to come and then it will be far too late. The damage will be irreversible. You will have so many regretts to contend with then as well as bad health. It is possible to maintain a healthy weight for your height without throwing up or taking laxatives. Doctors don’t want to sabotage you, they want to help.
I understand what you are going through to a degree. I have never been over weight, though didn’t think my body shape measured up to the perfect picture. I starved my self for years. I would not eat. I wasn’t anerexic looking as I drank anything I wanted, milk, tea, juice etc. But I was starving myself of essential vitamins and minerals by not eating. I constantly would get sick with colds and flues and was so tired all the time. Like you, I was an all or nothing girl and still have trouble finding the middle ground in many things I do.
I also went on a huge party binge but not just every night of the weekend. I started going out week nights and sometimes turn up to work hung over. This went on for 4 years. I finally stopped starving myself when I realised how run down I had become and my long hair was falling out everywhere. My hair became so thin and I was so distressed. I realised I had brought this on myself. I changed my diet started eating healthly and regularly and it took well over a year later till my hair stopped falling out. I also settled down on the party scene and only went out on the weekends, so I had plenty of rest durring the week. This way I wasn’t turning up to work so tired.
I never did throw up after eating or take laxatives to loose weight. What your describing the sore throat, vomiting blood and cough. All sounds like it is really taking a toll on your body. Please get help now, your asking for help through friends and Bossy is a great start. Now go to a trusted doctor and get the medical help you really need. It will get harder the longer you leave this problem. Let us know how you go. I’m really thinking of you and wish you all the very best in getting the help you need.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:40am)
Read Bossy’s reply.
Now read it again.
And again.
And again.
Now do what she says.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:43am)
Dear OP,
thank you for having the courage to write into the blog.
I don’t recall your previous blog, but since your parents were abusive, either directly or indirectly by creating a bad environment, they were doing something wrong. To put it simply, you know from that that it is wrong to hurt you. Consequently, the temptation to starve yourself and purge is also wrong, because it hurts you.
I can understand that with your background of defencelessness, the thing you most want is control. But real control comes when you no longer punish yourself. Obsessing over your body is not control, it is lack of control in a different form. So how do you get real control, over your mind not your body?
You are fighting a lonely battle, all that time in the bathroom. I suggest you fight another battle on your own, in addition to seeking support from others. That future battle on your own is sitting comfortably a few minutes every day, get a mental image of your childhood home, and add another room. That is a room that only you know about, only you can enter, and where you feel utterly safe. Work on that image every day, and remember that part of you can go to that room any time.
“… it may entail someone trying to take control and make me gain weight rather than helping me healthily continue to lose weight”. If you go to a good professional they may “make” you gain weight, but only to a point which is healthy.
Lastly, exercise. I am not sure what you mean by excessive exercise. Do you mean exercise that you don’t enjoy because it is intense? You should exercise, both gently and a lot. I once read that the healthiest people in America (with regards to heart disease) are the Amish, because even though they eat a high cholesterol diet they exercise all day in the course of their work.
But before you exercise you must always take that mental step, of telling yourself that you are doing it to love yourself (as opposed to punishing yourself). Then exercise in a way that celebrates life - such as dancing (both at home by yourself and when going out), celebrates friendship - such as long walks with friends, or celebrates achievement - such as sport.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (09:56am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (12:39pm)
Excessive and compulsive exercise is a recognised form of eating disorder, and can cause a lot of damage to the body, especially when combined with not eating nearly enough.
This is the blog of a wonderful lady who’s finally worked her way out of eating and exercise disorders. Reading her archives might help you, OP, and show you that health and happiness can be in your future too. The Great Fitness Experiment
I have struggled with an eating disorder since high school. Like you, there were days when i thought i was in control and clearly didnt have a problem. Then there were the days that left me sobbing on the bathroom floor.
I was also embarassed - i am a smart, confident , otherwise happy woman with friends and a great job and family....I knew what this was doing to me and deep down I knew it wasnt “normal”, but knowing something, and changing that feeling, that voice, is two very different things.
One day, i blurted it out to my boyfriend (now my husband). I wasnt planning to tell anyone, i still wasnt entirely convinced i had a problem, but once it was out, there was no turning back. I got counselling, worked hard at liking myself again and slowly started to change the way i felt about food, but more importantly myself.
Getting help is hard, its scary and it means you have to expose the biggest secret you have ever kept...but.... you will find out you are not alone and that it can be better. you can be better. Good luck. Take courage - tell one person that you know wont judge you, wont try to fix you, but can support you on this very personal road to recovery.
If you arent quite ready for that, there are some graet support networks in every state that you can talk to anonymously, or in person- just do a search on the internet for one in your state- most can put you in contact with people like me- who have been where you are and can help get you ready to move forward.
You have already taken the hardest step - recognising that what is happening is not quite right, and that you may you want to change. I wish you all the best with the next steps in your journey. When you are ready, you can do this! I know you can.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:06am)
Bossy is spot on. You need to get help.
I had (maybe still have to a degree) a problem with binge drinking. While it was intertwined with my BiPolar, it was a problem on its own. Yes, the little voice inside your head plays games with you.
You can’t just stop listening to the voice, you need guidance and assistance through the process of getting rid of the voice as its not as easy as just shutting it out.
But definitely get some help. Be good to yourself, and yourself will be good back and things will look a million times better on the other side, trust me!
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:14am)
She likes drama. Once one problem was solved, she created another one.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:15am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (01:54pm)
Glad I’m not the only one who was thinking this!!
I really liked your response Bossy. Believe it or not I’ve been through this and wish I had advice like yours.
OP: Asking anyone for help is difficult, so don’t take Bossy’s advice for granted. Listen and get to work, not tomorrow, not next week. This minute. It’s easier than you think, flick the switch that says I don’t care and things tend to fall into place. And eventually you stop wishing to be skinny, and you also stop thinking you’re overweight when you aren’t.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:20am)
You’re fooling yourself by thinking you don’t need help, by avoiding it. There are better ways to lose weight, to remain healthy other than what you’re doing.
What you’re doing is destroying your body, shortening your lifespan. If you say you don’t care about destroying your body, you’re either fooling yourself, or you should go jump off a cliff.
Seriously. Go get help. You need it, you really, really do. I hope you listen to the advice provided by Bossy and others today.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:28am)
OP, if you continue your current lifestyle, you will die. Guaranteed. If that’s what you want, continue. If you want to live, then you must accept that your current way of thinking is completely flawed - which if you starve your body of nutrients, its no surprise your brain is not functioning correctly. Your body is a temple - treat it accordingly. You cannot live on less than 800 calories a day and lose weight, or have it be healthy - your body will leach its muscle and calcium and water, and keep the fat to keep you warm while its starving. The very thing you are trying to avoid is what you are guaranteeing will happen. You are not even remotely in control of your life it you are starving yourself on 400 calories a day, and then vomiting to the point of internal injury to get rid of those 400 calories. Get help, if you want to, but you have to want to, and its up to you to ask for it. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds like you need a massive wakeup call.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:30am)
Thu 02 Dec 10 (10:55am)
A little off Point but I’m pretty sure if you live any life style you will die. it is sort of inevitable.
But you are right, Her body will have switched to a Famine setting and will just not burn the energy it would if she was fuelling it properly. OP if you consumed 800 calories and exercised to burn 600 you would end up even at the end of the day as your body will easily use 200 for maintenance. by eating only 400 calories your body thinks there is a famine so if you do the same amount of exercise you will only burn 200 calories of fat and just do organ damage and muscle degradation instead. You would actually burn more fat by eating more (at least enough to stop the famine reflex which greatly reduces the calorie burn our bodies can achieve).
For the amount of damage you’re doing already, just eat properly and get on the gas once every couple of weekends, over 50 hours of dancing/partying etc burns a hell of a lot of energy. I am sort of being sarcastic but the amount of damage you’re doing to your body you may as well be a drug addict.
I lost years of my life to an eating disorder. It took my weight, for a time, but it also took everything else. My ability to study, to think, to succeed. There is no room in life for an eating disorder and a career, friends, uni, self worth. I once thought there would never be a time where I never thought about food 24 hours a day. That’s what it was. Food on my mind, and how to avoid it, and how to expel it, every. single. minute. I would faint, and black out. I’d get scared of dying. I kept going. The anorexia turned into bulimia. By the time I had bulimia, I looked a `healthy’ weight. I was not healthy. I was dying. This went on for nearly a decade.
One day at uni was the breaking point. I found the free counselling office, broke down and cried and cried. I don’t remember much else about that day. I wasn’t sane. I wasn’t who I used to be. I wasn’t smart anymore, because my brain couldn’t think. I sometimes think of all I could have learned and achieved and experienced, if only I didn’t have that eating disorder. Only know do I feel my brain has started to heal, my body has started to trust me again that I won’t deprive it.
Unfortunately it took a long time for me to believe and trust all the doctors and counselors. It took so long to listen. I’d filter out the good advice in favour of advice on how to starve. That’s the thing about eating disorders. The good advice is just background noise until you actually want and decide to get help. When you reach breaking point you either get that help or make a choice to keep depriving yourself, and if you do, the outlook is bleak. It may take years until you realise what the eating disorder has stolen from you.
Thankfully I decided I wanted to live more. I wanted to be able to work. I wanted to have friends, and go outside, and enjoy life. I wanted my family to have me around and for me to have them. I wanted my brain back. I had to fight so hard to get my life back and no one is taking it from me again.
I am fit now. Healthy. I think an eating disorder is like alcoholism in that you will always have it. An alcoholic has to realise they can never ever touch a drop of grog again. Because they will always have a high chance of relapse if they do. There is no such thing as a safe amount of booze for an alcoholic. Eating disorders are the same. I don’t worry about relapsing anymore, but I know the voice is still there and this will always be a part of me. But I am now stronger than it. Even though I do eat well and exercise I still read comments about people calling a size 14 fat, I still read articles that are aimed at ruining self worth, such articles are everywhere and there will always be someone wanting to criticise and troll. You have to realise those comments aren’t the be all and end all. When you have an eating disorder you develop selecting hearing and reading and insight. Negativity is the only world. You don’t see anything else, but there is an everything else and it is worth living for.
Of course an eating disorder is about so much more than society and perceptions and thinness. I had all kinds of issues, depression, so much going on. But society never helped. You need to surround yourself with GOOD counselors and doctors and experts. They are not there to force you to gain weight or anything like that. When I found the right counselor, she was brilliant, don’t fear that all that will happen is you’ll get a lecture about food and someone will hold you down and force you to eat. I did have one really insensitive nutritionist, so I shopped around and found a better one. I told my doctor I was short of cash and he helped me find a good dietician that would work with broke people like I was at the time. So don’t worry if you are short of cash, a good doctor will listen and find someone that bulk bills for you. You don’t have to put up with people who make you uncomfortable and who aren’t working. But don’t give up.
Yes, you have an eating disorder. Yes you need help. You must change your thinking. It will only become harder and take more of who you are and who you want to become the longer you leave it. Start fighting while you still have the strength.
Wed 01 Dec 10 (10:45am)
Wed 01 Dec 10 (04:00pm)
Thanks so much for sharing your story, C. I’m so impressed at the obvious strength you have shown in seeing your way through this, and you give some really good advice.
I think it is true that eating disorders (like many mental disorders) stay with you for life on some level, and that you just need to be aware of when that type of damaging thinking starts arising again.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (12:56pm)
what C said. You are far more eloquent than I could ever hope to be. Especially the bit about it being like alcoholism in some ways - years on and I still have moments when I’m upset, or things in my life are going wrong and my first, instinctive and overriding response is “you shouldn’t be eating - you don’t deserve it” or something along those lines. It takes a great deal of effort to wrench my brain away from those thoughts and to relax, and eat.
I still have trouble eating in public e.g. when out for dinner with friends - it’s too easy to go back to the old habits of pushing food around a plate and pretending to eat while not actually putting anything in your mouth. These are hard habits to break.
The one thing I found helped immensely in this regard is telling the people I trust ALL about my dodgy habits with food (the pretending to eat, etc). That way, they pull me up on it if they suspect i’m doing it. While it’s embarrassing at first, I know that they’re looking out for me even when I’m not always able to look out for myself. It’s helped me to identify my ‘triggers” so to speak.