Kate de Brito
Friday, December 03, 2010 at 08:22am
Dear Bossy: I’m in a bit of a ‘situation’ at the moment, and I was hoping you & your readers might be able to offer some worldly advice and opinions as to where I should proceed. I’m fairly young (early 20’s) and I know I still have a lot of learning so it would be fairly beneficial to hear the thoughts of those with more life experience.
There’s a lot of sub-stories that intersect with the main story, so I’ll do my best to keep it fairly straightforward and simple.
Earlier this year, I dated a guy for a good few months. Things were great, everyone was happy. He went away for work for a few weeks, came back & told me that in that time, he had decided he preferred being single. End of relationship.
It was admittedly a messy breakup for a few reasons, and naturally I depended on friends to help me get through - as we all do.
What I have since learned is that since the breakup, my ex-boyfriend and one of my best friends have been talking often & bitching about me, making fun of me behind my back about the things that I do & generally having a good old laugh at my expense. It would seem that they were both a bit fed up with me being upset about the breakup, and decided to turn to each other to complain & whinge.
They’ve also taken to making thinly veiled references to me on Facebook, posting snide comments and insults clearly designed to hurt me. I’ve deleted my ex-boyfriend off Facebook to avoid any further pain, and I have ‘hidden’ my friend’s posts for the same reason. If you can’t see it, it’s not there, right?
I can see, in hindsight, that I may have become somewhat of a burden to my best friend after the breakup - in my defence, I’ve had a lot going on in my life lately, to the point where I’ve recognised I need greater help & have made an appointment to see a counsellor.
However, I would have appreciated my friend and ex-boyfriend to have at least said something to me first, rather than going behind my back as they have. It hurts that she has ‘taken sides’ with my ex-boyfriend rather than coming to me and explaining how she felt. I feel as though she values her friendship with him more than she values her friendship with me.
Cue one of the sub-stories - this best friend has, in the past, caused me a lot of hurt and pain through lies and deception. I forgave her then, because I valued our friendship so much and felt gutted at the thought of losing her. After recent events though, I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth the pain & heartache to keep her in my life. She seems to show no remorse at her actions - she hasn’t spoken to me in a week. I’ve made the decision to give her space and let her realise that perhaps she may have gone about a few things the wrong way - but in doing so, I’ve also realised that maybe I don’t miss her as much as I thought I would.
My question to you & your readers is this: do I cut all ties & move on, accepting that we do lose friends throughout the course of our lives? Or do I continue to give her space and hope that maybe we can one day repair the relationship?
Thank you,
Friendless 
Bossy says: Your friend sounds like a drop-kick. Even if you were being a total punish - and you probably were - carrying on endlessly about the loss of this non-event relationship, she shouldn’t have laughed about you with the person at the centre of that emotional pain - your ex.
If she was really sick of all your merciless relationship rubbish she should have said something to you. She should have told you to your face. “You’re driving me crazy”. “You are being a total bore”. “I can’t listen to any more of this”. These are all effective ways to stop a good rant.
A good friend can’t always supply us what we want. Sometimes they may have to say “I can’t be here for you right now”. Sometimes they may say: “I’m finding it hard to talk to you about this.”
But they should at least try to be loyal. Talking about you with your ex and making fun of you is not loyal. It’s mean spirited and bitchy. It sucks.
I can’t imagine being able to continue having a trusting friendship with someone who did this and failed to acknowledged their behaviour might have caused pain.
If you have talked to her and told her you feel hurt; if you have given her the opportunity to deny or explain what happened and she seem impervious, then the writing is on the wall.
You don’t have to cut all ties, in fact doing so will just create drama and carry on. But you should probably just be clear on the position she deserves in your life from now on ie. not a big one.
If you can’t trust your friends, who can you trust? Not this girl, that’s for sure.
86 Comments
I love Degrassi Junior High and Degrassi High.
But those shows are not “real” life!
Everyone talks behind everyones back. Everyone talks behind my back because I’m so awesomely mega awesome. Do what I do and just say “I heard that” all the time. Even if you didn’t hear it, s’funny.
Sincerely,
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:31am)
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:35am)
I heard that Bossy!
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:50am)
Confront her and tell her what you’ve just said here and if she denies or shrugs you off then its time to chop chop chop it all off. You dont need people like that in your life.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (09:59am)
It’s sad that you think you’re so good. But, it might be time to move out of mummy’s house, put the Power Ranger fingures away, turn off the Ninja Turtles and hang the Spiderman costume up.
As a wise man once said, “Get a haircut, and get a REAL job”.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (12:45pm)
Not Reading the Blog, i already know what it says ...
OP, People dont have appiphanies while away on holiday,
Your friend and your ex hooked up while away now their laughing at you. Find an older boyfriend someone out of high school mentalities, that is all.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (12:56pm)
See, Narkus, if you’re going to troll, you have to be less obvious about it.
I mean, seriously, FOUR 90s pop culture references? Could you BE any more late 20s? omgwtfbbq
Fri 03 Dec 10 (01:43pm)
Bossy, I don’t know what sick game you’re playing with me, but you have really got my blood boiling. My comments better be posted when I wake up, or.... I’ll be sad. :(
Op, everyone talks about everyone behind their backs.
Fact of life.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (01:47pm)
Degrassi? That’s your reference? It’s been like 20 years since that show was in its prime…
Turn on a TV or open a magazine once in awhile!
Fri 03 Dec 10 (01:51pm)
Doc,
nice referemce,
Zit remedy for eva....
Fri 03 Dec 10 (02:09pm)
That was sort of my point. It wouldn’t be funny if he was 16, but it would be if he were 26. Glad you noticed my theme for today!
Fri 03 Dec 10 (02:10pm)
omgwtfbbq. ha Mahhrat you’re funny.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (02:30pm)
OP needs to move away from high school mentality, that’s for sure.
You’re still heavily reliant on your so-called-friends. I’ll give you a piece of advice - friends don’t do that. Ergo, they are not your friends.
Drop the dropkicks, and find a better crowd that is more mature.
I did that years ago, still haven’t found anyone worthy of my friendship. It’s rough up here on the top of society, all alone *evil grin*
OK. So they are obviously secretly together and your should-be-ex-bestie blabbed nasty stuff about you to your ex-boy.
What you should do:
End it with him and with her. She doesn’t respect the rules of your friendship and obviously he doesn’t respect you after the break up. Then go get yourself a fabolous makeover, find a nice guy and a true friend then boast how fabolous everything is on facebook!
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:38am)
Fri 03 Dec 10 (01:24pm)
This was exactly my opinion as soon as I read it.
Why would one of your so-called best friends be so up and cozy with your ex.? You know that there is only one real answer.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (01:32pm)
Ditto!! Love this comment...seriously take this advice.
Dump her
Go to the gym when you get upset/lonely (meet ppl)
New hair do (blonde is best)
Try make friends with everyone and invite people out
Meet a hottie
Post on facebook as Koi Koi said…
The above is what I did a few years ago. I now have soooo many friends and the hottest/nicest guy ever!
I have a motto for these situations and it goes something like this:
Truth be said, people whether family or supposed friends can be real nasty and thoughtless, you can forgive but rarely forget. Once bitten, twice shy comes to my mind, I seriously doubt she was ever a friend and do you really want to or associate with someone who clearly is quite cruel and vindictive behind your back?
I would say this is a no brainer, cut your losses, delete her entirely off facebook and your mobile and move on. People come and go throughout ones life and this is a prime example of when to let go and wake up to people who never had your good interests at heart.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:38am)
Fri 03 Dec 10 (11:19am)
Agreed. Stop answering their calls, keep your distance. After a while, people get the hint and stop making the effort when it is all one sided. It’s the easy, no confrontation way of cutting off bad relationships.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (11:19am)
Agreed. Stop answering their calls, keep your distance. After a while, people get the hint and stop making the effort when it is all one sided. It’s the easy, no confrontation way of cutting off bad relationships.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (11:57am)
I’ll second that - oh wait, Narkus already did
Ok, I third or fourth it…
OP, What Sok said!!!
Get rid of her. if she takes yoru ex’s side then kick her to the curb
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:40am)
This “best friend” clearly doesn’t value the relationship as much as you do. By your own description, she has caused you pain before and shows no remorse. For the most part, leopards don’t change their spots. Ditch the bitch. You’re welcome.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:43am)
Fri 03 Dec 10 (11:56am)
That doesn’t sound like something Xena would say.
After all, Xena’s best friend in the whole wide world (Gabrielle) lied to Xena about the death of her demon daughter and then Gabrielle’s demon daughter killed Xena’s non-demon son which led to Xena and Gabrielle trying to kill each other before singing a love song to each other to restore their friendship.
And then there was the time that Gabrielle was manipulated by the Greek gods into stabbing Xena’s formerly-evil, but then redeemed daughter and Xena lodged her round killing thing in Gabrielle’s skull. They got over that by pretending that it never happened.
As such, I would have expected Xena’s advice to the OP to be that she should first try to murder her “best friend” and then to get naked and hop in the hot-tub with her while playing “hide the soap”. That’s what the “real” Xena would do.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (12:43pm)
Exactly. This friend sounds like she’s still fifteen and gets her kicks by feeling like she’s the cooler/hotter/generally more desirable friend, and as a result loves putting you down. Since she’s taken the bitchery to facebook, I would cut her the hell off.
Considering you’ve put up with BS from her before, I’d say it’s well and truly time to let this one go. Some friends are just poisonous - believe me, I had a friend who sounds the same as the one you’re talking about, and now that she’s not in my life anymore, my life doesn’t resemble an episode of The Hills at all. So much to be thankful for.
You’ll feel a lot better without her. I’d give her a run down of how much of a horrible person she is… but then again, I’m not very nice myself. Maybe it will suffice to say “I really don’t think we can be friends anymore when you treat me with such little respect. By the way, you’re an evil bitch.”
Fri 03 Dec 10 (01:54pm)
Agent 86
your logic is flawless, i well thought out sound logical argument. im inpressed, esp the soap refernce at the end.
Tell them both to get stuffed. They sound seriously immature and you’d be better off without them.
Also, she is a shit friend if she thinks it’s appropriate to keep having cozy chats with her friend’s ex after the breakup (unless of course they were mates beforehand). That’s just like, the rules of feminism!
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:44am)
Fri 03 Dec 10 (11:23am)
It sounds seriously Facebook, and seriously modern social networking, and seriously drama queenish, and seriously mental health issue-ish. But get used to it because between SMS, Twitter and Facebook, there’ll be much much more of this drivel to come. I keep hoping for a backlash where people interact with actual other people in real, actual life but I suspect things will go in the other direction and eventually we’ll never have actually met any of our “friends” or “boyfriends” or “girlfriends” in the flesh. And it will be so much easier to dump them… which is of course the solution to this drama.
OP I can’t believe that you would treasure this person’s “friendship” she sounds like a psychopath. Just walk away, if you see her in the street say hi but don’t go out of your way to socialise with her.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:44am)
drop the friend.
Of course we all gossip and chat behind other people’s backs in some sort of competition, but your friend is plain MEAN.
You know you can never rely on her support again, so what use does she have as your mate?
DTMFF
And good luck with everything else OP, you really sound like you should work towards being a tough, but loveable, interpentant person.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:45am)
OP - you may be young, but it sounds to me like you have pretty good judgement. You’ve realized your friend is not so much a friend as you thought, and you’ve started to distance yourself from her. Two moves in the right direction.
I agree with Bossy - you don’t need to drop her totally, or have a big scene to highlight your feelings of betrayal - you just need to see less of her. She should slowly but steadily drop down the heirarchy from “trusted friend” to “one of the gang” to “casual acquaintance” to “we used to know one another, didn’t we.”
No big deal. We all outgrow some of the people in our lives. And you’ve clearly outgrown her.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:56am)
OP, I had a bust up with a friend recently. She was always on the slightly paranoid side, and after perceiving a slight by me, refused to take any of my calls or emails, and then made a not-so-thinly-veiled statement on Facebook.
We aren’t friends anymore. There is an unlimited supply of friends in the world, you just have to go out there and meet them. If she’s being a cow, let it go and make some new friends.
Breakups are tough. Your true friends will be sympathetic, and when your moping gets too much, they’ll have a gentle heart-to-heart with you about it. Piss her off, she’s not worth it.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:59am)
Fri 03 Dec 10 (11:52am)
Indeed Elphaba,
This was sent to me a few years ago and I find it very true.
Funnily enough the reason and season friend has turned into a lifetime one.
Also, I was once told that if you could count your real friends on one hand you would be a fortunate person. I scoffed then, but now I know it is true.
Are Your Friends Here for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime?
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (02:08pm)
Lovely sentiment, Fiona, and very true, I have experienced all types. My friend was definitely a ‘reason’ one, she was there when I needed a confidence boost, but her own lack of self-esteem and paranoia ultimately drove a wedge between us.
I would be open to exploring the friendship again, but not devastated if it didnt happen.
Like I said, OP, there is a limitless supply of friends out there. Go and make some new ones. What some other people have said is probably true too - your mate and the boy hooked up. Don’t press them for a reason why it’s become a shit pile (no reason will make you feel better), and move on.
Yes you do cut all ties and move on.
And don’t refer to her as your best friend becasue she is anything but a best friend.
It’s one thing to vent to a friend, it’s another thing completely to bitch to a friends ex bf and then make nasty comments on FB. Delete and block them both, from FB and life!
Fri 03 Dec 10 (08:59am)
The thing you need to consider is, is she really your friend? At the end of the day, if you are happy with receiving nothing in your friendship from this girl, then by all means, keep her as a friend. However, if you want a friendship that gives as much as you do, without all the taking, then it is time to get her out of your life.
As for your ex-bf. He is not worth any second thought.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (09:03am)
Dump her as well and don’t speak to either of them again.
Sounds like they probably got together which is why you are now the hot topic of discussion.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (09:07am)
Fri 03 Dec 10 (12:52pm)
Exactly!, And OP is holding them together, sounds like the only things they have in common is they are terrible people, they both like to bitch about you, and they both know you.
Once you drop out of the equation they’ll have nothing to talk about and realise they dont like eachother at all OR they will befriend someone else that they can bitch about.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (01:52pm)
yep, they are playing starfish already or thinking pretty darn seriously about it…
Why would you want to be friends with someone who obviously isn’t ? Or does your ego and self-esteem need a boost by the number of FB friends you have, therefore you can’t let go, irrespective of what happens ?
Grow up. It’s your life. You choose who is part of it. As life progresses, you’ll meet new people.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (09:07am)
Just act like you dont need her friendship. If things are posted on facey, then she obviously wants you to see it and be upset. If it doesnt phase you, she will soon realise that she is the needy dependant one who has to join in on taunts just to feel part of the crowd..
Sounds harsh, but people pick on the weak. Man-up, start looking after yourself and dont wast time on people who continue to disappoint you.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (09:08am)
Friendless, you’re going to hear the same thing again and again (except for Dr Opkick’s weird first comment) but your friend is a total tool. If YOU are a good person and really try to think about the people around you (don’t lean on them excessively, be supportive, make sure it’s not all me me me but give and take) you will attract good people in your life.
Get rid of your so-called friend, she’s not a friend at all. Not even a little.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (09:08am)
This happens to the best of us. You dont have to cut ties with her, but at least you know now where you stand. Keep your distance from her from now on and make sure you dont let your guard down. You dont need someone like that in your life doing that to you.
And you said it yourself...”accepting that we do lose friends throughout the course of our lives” - thats exactly it.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (09:21am)
She’s hot for your ex. They are probably shagging or going to.
Most women will throw a friend over for a man in a second.
End of story.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (09:24am)
Fri 03 Dec 10 (11:20am)
yep.
she’s a bitch, get rid of her.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (11:30am)
+1 - There doesn’t appear to be a “Steve’s sister” equivalent in the female world.
Break up with your friend and cut all contact. If they’re out of your life, they don’t exist anymore, right?
Lousy ex, and a lousy ‘friend’. You dont need em.
By the by, this solution was a bit of common sense… so dont you think it a bit odd you came whinging to us about it too?
I dont think you’re a whinger, but possibly someone who just cannot make a decision without talking it over and over and over and over until we all just wish our heads would explode rather than hear about it again. Maybe you can consider being a little more decisive in life and not rely so much on other people to support you when shit happens. Because shit does happen quite often ! and if you come to us every time shit happens, well, we’ll probably start whinging about you on here and you’ll have to find Bossy 2.0 to talk to about how Bossy 1.0 fans were mean to you and oh dear what should you do?
Wipe your (ahem) and move on like grown ups generally tend to do.
You did say you were young though, so I suppose this is the learning curve. Welcome to adulthood - responsibility can suck, but you’re legal enough now to do whatever you want as well! - its a balancing act really. Particularly when you’re working at being helpful and more than a little facetious.
Ta da! Sarah.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (09:27am)
Sounds like she fancies your Ex…
Dump her ass, but don’t go making a scene just get on with your own things.
And remember people talking behind your back is the first step to being famous.
Fri 03 Dec 10 (09:27am)