Bedtime battles with your toddler

Why does my toddler make bedtimes such a battle?

A toddler who refuses to go to sleep will challenge the patience of even the most serene parent. After a busy day, you won't be alone if you reach a point where the one thing you want most in the world is for your child to go to bed. She, meanwhile, may have other ideas. Although this is normal toddler behaviour, it can still be incredibly frustrating and disheartening.

The most common reasons for your toddler to drag out bedtime include:

• being confused about her bedtime routine
• being unable to soothe herself
• testing out her own independence
• wanting to spend more time with you
• being afraid you won't come back (separation anxiety)
• being over-stimulated

Of course, knowing what the problem may be doesn't make it any easier when your toddler's running around at 10pm for the fourth night running!

But if you can create a consistent routine, and give your toddler some independence without her taking control, you should find that things get easier.

You'll find more detailed advice about common bedtime battles below. You may need to work at bedtime for a little while before you see a change. But your hard work will certainly pay off when you finally get that early night you're desperate for!

In the meantime though, make sure you take care of yourself. Share out bedtime duties with your partner, or recruit family members to pitch in if needs be. If that's not possible, go to a separate room if everything gets too much. There's no harm in escaping the chaos for a few minutes to take some deep breaths.

Remember that your toddler's behaviour isn't a reflection on you! The key to changing her behaviour is to keep calm, consistent and firm.

How can I encourage my toddler to fall asleep without me there?

It will help your toddler feel more comfortable about bedtime if she knows what to expect, and what's expected of her.

The best way to do this is to establish and maintain a consistent bedtime routine. For example, you could give her a warm bath, read her a story and then put her into her bed while she's still awake.

When you put her down, tell her that if she stays in bed you'll come back to check on her in five minutes. Let her know that she's safe and that you'll be nearby. If she doesn't drift off straight away, come back in another five minutes or so. Repeat this as often as you need until she falls asleep.

It may be tempting to give in and stay with your toddler until she falls asleep. But the longer you let this habit continue, the harder it will be to break. To give yourself a rest and set your toddler up for the future, it's important that she learns to self-settle.

How can I stop my toddler stalling at bedtime?

Stalling at bedtime is a classic toddler tactic. By asking for just one more kiss or yet another glass of water, your toddler may just be trying to negotiate a little extra time with you.

But it's important to stick to the same bedtime every night so that your toddler doesn't become over-tired. Staying up late will just over-stimulate her, and she'll find it difficult to drift off. She may wake more in the night too.

Try to anticipate her requests, and make them part of her usual nightly routine. Put a glass of water on her bedside table, change her nappy or take her to the toilet, and give her plenty of hugs and kisses before leaving the room.

You could also let your toddler have one request each night, so she feels like she has some control over the situation. If you suspect that she's still trying to drag things out after that, be firm with her. Tell her it's time for bed and there'll be plenty of time to finish her game or read another story tomorrow.

My toddler wants to get her own way at bedtime. What can I do?

Your toddler is probably just testing out her growing independence. As she starts to realise that she's her own person, she may want to prove this by using her new favourite word, "no".

Offering your toddler a few basic choices at bedtime will let her explore her independence without taking control. For example, you could let her decide what story she'd like to hear, or whether she wants to wear the blue or the green pyjamas.

Only give your toddler two or three alternatives, and only offer options that you're happy with. If you ask who she wants to help her at bath time, she could well say someone who isn't there! Instead ask, 'Do you want Mummy or Daddy to do bath time?' She still gets to make the choice, but either will work.

It's hard to say no when your toddler cries or pleads for an exception to the going-to-bed rule. But standing your ground will help her to learn good habits. If you give in to her request once, you'll hear it again and again.

If you're frustrated, try not to engage in a power struggle. Ignore your toddler's tantrums, too. Paying attention to her, even if you're displeased or angry, will only reinforce her behaviour.

Instead, speak calmly and quietly, but insist that when time's up, time's up.

Why does my toddler keep climbing out of her cot?

If your toddler likes to escape her cot, she may be ready to give it up and move to a bed. Most toddlers reach this stage sometime after 18 months.

Moving to a proper bed signals to your toddler that she's growing up. You can use it as a chance to teach her that part of getting older is learning how to go to bed when she needs to rest.

After the confinement of your toddler's cot, she may get out of her bed over and over again, just because she can. When this happens, simply take her back to bed, firmly tell her that it's time to go to sleep, and leave.

Be sure to praise your toddler lots when she does stay in her new bed in the evening and overnight.

Establishing good sleep habits takes time and patience, but the extra effort taken now will save many battles in the future.

Learn what to do if your toddler wakes up too early or refuses to take a nap.