Aggression: why it happens and what to do about it (age 2)

Why your two year old may show aggression

There you are, watching your little angel on the playground, thinking how blessed you are to have him. All of a sudden, he draws back his dimpled little hand – and whacks another child squarely on the nose.

As shocking as it may seem to you (and to the other parents in the playground), aggression is a normal part of your child's development. Primitive language skills, impulsiveness, and a fierce desire to become independent make children this age prime candidates for lashing out. Some degree of hitting and biting is completely normal, because two year olds are so focused on 'me' and 'mine’.

While your two year old's behaviour may embarrass and worry you – and it's certainly not OK for him to hurt other kids – it doesn't mean you're raising a bully. Here are some ideas for what you can do to help him as he learns to control himself and to get along with others.

Ways you can respond to aggression

Respond quickly
Try to respond immediately when you see your child being aggressive. Remove him from the situation – even a few seconds may be enough for a two year old. It’s important that he connects his behaviour with the consequence so that he knows that if he hits or bites; he'll miss out on the fun.

Follow up
If your two year old gets into the ball pool at the play centre and immediately starts throwing balls at other children, take him out. Sit down with him and watch the other children play and explain that he can go back in when he's ready to join the fun without hurting others. No matter how angry you are with him, try not to shout, hit, or tell your child he's bad. Rather than getting him to change his behaviour, this simply teaches him that verbal and physical aggression is acceptable behaviour when he's feeling frustrated and cross. Showing him that you can control your temper may be the first step in helping him control his.

Be consistent
As much as possible, respond to aggressive acts in the same way every time. The more predictable you are ("OK, you bit Jack again – that means another time-out"), the sooner you'll set up a pattern that your child will recognize and expect.

Show and tell
After you've taken your child aside, wait until he settles down a bit and then calmly and gently review what happened. Explain in as few words as possible that it's perfectly natural to get angry sometimes, but it's not OK to hit, kick or bite. Encourage him to find a better way to express how angry he is. Asking a grown-up for help, or even just telling his playmate that he's cross (without yelling) are good responses to anger. You can also help your little one understand his emotions by reading a book together on the topic.

Teach him to apologize
Make sure your child understands that he needs to say he's sorry whenever he lashes out – even if you have to lead him by the hand to the offended party and say it for him. His apologies might seem insincere at first, but the lesson will eventually sink in.

Reward good behaviour
Rather than only paying attention to your two year old when he misbehaves, try to catch him being good – if he asks for a turn on the swing instead of pushing another child out of the way, for instance, or shares a toy instead of snatching it away. Praise him lavishly ("you are such a good boy for waiting for your turn!") and he'll soon realize how powerful politeness can be. Try to be specific in your praise: "You shared your bricks very well with Sam today – that was very kind of you" rather than just "Good boy", so that he knows exactly what he’s doing right.

Limit TV time
Innocent-looking cartoons and other so-called children's shows are often rife with shouting, threats, shoving and hitting. So try to monitor the programs your two year old sees by watching them with him – particularly if he's prone to aggression. If something happens on a show that you don't approve of, talk to your child about it: "Did you see how that bear pushed the other bear to get what he wanted? That wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it?" If your child has older siblings who play computer games, try to monitor their play too. Two year olds love to watch what their older brothers and sisters’ play and their games may not be suitable for him.

You might also find that your child is aggressive when he doesn't get enough opportunities to burn off his abundant energy. So try to provide plenty of unstructured playtime – preferably outdoors – to let him blow off steam.

Don't be afraid to seek help
Sometimes a child's aggression requires more intervention than a parent can provide. If your two year old seems to behave aggressively more often than not, if he routinely frightens or upsets other children, or if your efforts to curb his behaviour aren't working, talk to your family doctor. Together you can look for the cause of his behaviour, help your child through it, and decide if a psychologist is needed. It’s very unlikely professional help will be necessary – but if your child does need some help, it'll be a relief to know that you don't have to deal with the problem on your own. Remember, your child is still very young. With careful guidance and plenty of patience, that playground pummelling will soon be a thing of the past.

Talk to other parents of small children
Other parents are an excellent source of support and ideas for dealing with an aggressive preschooler. Whether it's offering a sympathetic ear or sharing a successful approach, tap into your parent network the next time you are at a loss of what to do with your aggressive preschooler. You could also post a question to our BabyCenter Canada community.


Created October 2008