Toddler aggression: Hitting and biting

Why does my toddler get aggressive?

Shocking as it may be to you (and others), aggressive behaviour is a normal part of your toddler's development. His still-emerging language skills and a fierce desire to be independent can lead to frustration, and anger. Add undeveloped impulse control into the mix and your toddler's hitting or biting is completely normal.

That doesn't mean you should ignore it, of course. Let your toddler know that aggressive behaviour is unacceptable and help him to develop other ways to express his feelings.

How can I stop my toddler being aggressive?

Reward good behaviour
Rather than giving your child attention only when he's misbehaving, praise him for being good whenever you can. For example, say something positive when he asks to have a turn on the swing instead of simply pushing another child out of the way. Heap praise on him when he says what he wants, and be specific and honest ("Good job asking for a turn!"). Remember also to praise his efforts to do something even if he doesn't manage to pull it off. ("Good job asking the little girl if you could have a turn. I know she didn't answer that frustrated you.") This increases your toddler's emotional awareness and created a positive connection with you. In time, he'll start to recognize his emotions and slowly learn to cope with them through your support.

Follow up aggressive behaviour with logical consequences
If your child gets into the ball pit at the indoor play centre and starts throwing balls at the other kids, take him out. Sit down with him and watch the other children play. Explain that he can go back in again when you both feel he's ready to join the fun without hurting anyone.

Try not to reason with your toddler, for example, by asking him, "How would you like it if she threw the ball at you?"

Toddlers aren't yet able to put themselves in another child's place or to change the way they behave based on reason. This cognitive maturity doesn't usually happen until children are four or five. But toddlers can experience consequences and will feel the discomfort of them.

Keep your temper
Shouting, hitting or telling your child he's bad won't get him to change his behaviour. He'll just get more riled and learn, from you, new things to try. In fact, watching you control your temper could be the first step in learning to control his. Tell him when you are angry and explain what you are doing to calm down. Say something like, "I am angry right now so I am going to sit down until I am calm." You don't have to leave the room when you are angry. If you stay he will see that anger is a normal emotion and learn some skills for tolerating his own.

Set clear limits
Try to respond immediately whenever your toddler is aggressive. Don't wait until he hits his brother for the third time. Give him feedback straight away when he's done something wrong. Talk to him in a positive way ("Play gently" or "Please use your indoor voice") and name a natural consequence ("You will have to leave the room if you hit your brother again"). Redirect his attention to a new activity if possible. If he doesn't stop, remove him from the room or apply the natural consequence, even for a short period of time. Be consistent. You may not feel like following through with the consequence but remember you have the important job of teaching your child to get along with others.

Be consistent
Whenever you can, react to each episode the way you did before. Your predictable response ("Play gently, remember") will set up a pattern that your toddler will recognize and come to expect. Even when you're out and mortified by your child's behaviour, don't lash out at him through embarrassment. Remember, other parents have been there too. If people stare, simply say, "Anyone want a two-year-old?"

Teach alternatives
Wait until your toddler has settled down, then talk calmly about what happened. Help him to name his emotions, listen to what he is telling you and accept his feelings.Help him to find a better way to respond to his emotions, perhaps by talking about it ("Tommy, you're making me angry!") or asking an adult to help.

Watch for patterns of aggressive behaviour
You may notice that your toddler is particularly aggressive during certain times of the day or in certain situations. Pay close attention to the circumstances surrounding aggressive behaviour. Is he tired or hungry or needing more attention from you? Has he been playing with his brother for too long and the gap in their abilities is completely frustrating him? Are you expecting too much from him by dragging him on one more errand? You may be able to avoid aggressive behaviour by altering your daily routine.

Limit screen time
Cartoons and other shows for young children can be filled with shouting, threats, even pushing and hitting. Limit the amount of screen time your toddler has, and monitor what he watches, particularly if he's prone to aggression. The Canadian Paediatric Society recommends that children aged two and under should have no screen time at all. Others are loosening up though. Given that there are both advantages and disadvantages to screen-based learning and interaction, the American Pediatric Association's new guidelines (APA 2016) are much less rigid about screen time. While the APA is moving away from specific time recommendations, they emphasize the importance of not allowing overdoing screen time, and most of all it's important for you to actively engage with your toddler as he watches, helping him to process and understand what he's seeing and hearing.

If and when you do let your child watch television, watch it with him and talk about what you saw afterwards. ("That wasn't a very good way for him to get what he wanted, was it?")

Help your toddler to be active
Unless your toddler gets a chance to burn off his abundant energy, you may find he's a terror at home. Give him plenty of unstructured play time, preferably outdoors, whatever the weather, to let off steam and give him the chance to hone his emerging coordination and curiosity for the world.

Encourage downtime
As well as being active it's also important to encourage your toddler to have down time, playing quietly by himself. Doing so means he learns to stimulate his imagination and to amuse himself without relying on you. While any time can be good, transitions from lunch to nap time, or supper to bedtime are ideal.

Don't be afraid to seek help
Sometimes, aggressive behaviour requires more intervention than a parent can provide. If your toddler often behaves aggressively, upsets other children, or if your efforts to curb his behaviour have little effect, talk to your doctor. She may refer you to someone who specializes in child behaviour.

Together, you can get to the bottom of the behaviour and help your toddler through it. Remember, he is still very young. If you work with him patiently, the chances are that his violent outbursts will soon be a thing of the past.