What to do when your child ignores you

Why does my preschooler ignore me?

Basically, your preschooler ignores you because she doesn’t like what she’s hearing! If you tell her to do something she doesn’t want to do, she’ll pretend she hasn’t heard.

It’s happening because she’s starting to develop her own priorities. Things that are important to you, such as staying safe, making sure the day runs smoothly, and keeping mess under control, aren’t at the top of her list.

Don’t be surprised if your child seems to listen selectively. She may jump up when it’s time to go out for an ice-cream, but act like you haven’t said anything when you ask her to wash her hands.

At age three to four, your child isn’t trying to be rude by ignoring you. Instead, she’s just testing her boundaries, to see what happens if she doesn’t obey you straight away. This is an important part of learning to be independent, so try not to be too discouraged when it happens.

What should I do when my child ignores me?

Be realistic

When you ask your child to do something, make sure it’s a task that she can understand and is able to complete. If she’s confused or daunted by your request, she may tune it out.

"Tidy your room," may not mean much to her at this age. But, "Please put your shoes in the wardrobe," lets her know exactly what you want her to do.

At age three to four, your preschooler can probably only manage tasks with two or three simple steps, such as, "Please go upstairs, find your shoes and socks, and bring them back down." To make sure she’s heard you and understood what’s expected of her, you could ask her to repeat your instruction.

Consider her feelings

When your child ignores you, think about how she may be feeling at the time. Even adults sometimes miss things when they’re tired, frustrated, distracted or excited. And preschoolers can feel these emotions just as strongly, so it’s understandable if your little one can’t always give you her full attention.

You may find that your child’s hard to talk to after a long day at nursery, when she’s tired and wants time to herself. Or you may notice that she starts ignoring you during play dates, when she’s excited about being with her friends. If you know that it’s going to be difficult for her to listen to you, try not to make a lot of requests.

Follow through

When it’s time to leave the play park, give your preschooler a few minutes’ warning before gently guiding her to the exit. Likewise, when you ask her to get off the table and she ignores you, lift her down yourself.

Try to do this in a calm way, telling your child why you are lifting her down so that she knows you’re not doing it because you are angry, but because you need her to come down. This lets her know that ignoring you doesn’t work, and when something needs to happen, it will happen anyway.

Praise her for listening

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Your preschooler loves it when you’re pleased with her, so compliments and encouragement will make her more likely to listen to your requests: "I’m so proud of you for getting your shoes on quickly!" or, "You’re such a good listener!"

Giving her an incentive may help, but resist the temptation to bribe her. Instead, let her see that listening has positive consequences: "When you put the puzzle pieces back in the box, we can go to the park."

Using the word "when", rather than "if", shows your child that good times are a natural consequence of good behaviour rather than a bribe that you have chosen to give.

Give her advance warning

Your preschooler may sometimes ignore you as a way of saying, "I’m not ready to do this yet." You won’t always have time to cajole her into the car, or persuade her to part with the tablet. But whenever possible, give her notice before it’s time for the next activity.

Try saying something like, "We’re leaving in a few minutes, so try to finish your game." Then follow up with, "One more minute left, then it’ll be time to go." Your child may be more willing to listen if the request isn’t a surprise.

Find alternatives to "no"

It’s easy to get into the habit of saying "no" when you have a stubborn preschooler on your hands. But if you say it too often, she may start to ignore it. So look for alternative ways to steer her away from behaviour you don’t want.

Try to frame your request positively rather than negatively. So, instead of saying, "No! Don’t kick the ball in the kitchen," say, "Let’s go outside to play with the ball."

Make a point of saying "yes" whenever you can. If your child wants to try climbing a little higher on the climbing frame, why not stand underneath in case she needs help, and tell her to go for it?

Reserve "no" for times when her safety or wellbeing is at stake. When she knows that you don’t say it lightly, she’s more likely to listen.

Should I be worried about my preschooler ignoring me?

Ignoring is almost always a normal part of a child’s development, rather than a sign that something’s wrong. But in rare cases it could be a sign of a learning or hearing problem.

Ask your GP or health visitor for advice if your preschooler:

• Ignores you more often than she listens to you.
• Responds only to very loud noises.
• Doesn’t seem to hear sounds that are going on around her.
• Makes unusual sounds without realising.
• Regularly ignores other children.

Rest assured that your child will most likely grow out of ignoring you on her own, as her empathy skills and ability to cooperate develop.

Find out more about what to do when your preschooler won’t listen to you.