Bonding after birth

What is bonding?

Bonding is the feeling that makes you want to shower your baby with love, when you know you would do anything to protect them.

And while you're savouring the high, the feel-good hormone dopamine that's coursing through your body is also helping your baby to attach emotionally to you.

You probably started to bond with your baby while they were in your tummy. This love-before-sight may have begun when you first felt their movements or hiccups.

Or bonding may have started when you saw your baby at your ultrasound scans, getting bigger every time. Or you may have felt the love grow as you massaged or talked to your bump.

Will I bond with my baby straight after birth?

You may do, but try not to worry if you don't. Some, but not all, parents feel a deep attachment to their baby straight after the birth (Farrell and Sittlington 2009). The hormone oxytocin, which is released during pregnancy and in greater amounts during labour, helps to create a feeling of euphoria and love for your newborn (Galbally et al 2011). You may feel an overwhelming urge to protect your baby from the first moment you see them.

For other parents, strong feelings of attachment take a little longer to develop. You may simply feel too tired after your baby's birth to bond with them straight away. Or perhaps you had a long labour, or a difficult birth (Farrell and Sittlington 2009), and this has affected your feelings.

Your baby may have been born with a health problem, which may make you feel worried or distressed. Or perhaps you feel disappointed about your baby's sex (Farrell and Sittlington 2009). These feelings are understandable and entirely normal.

If you have twins, you may find bonding with both your babies a challenge at first. It may be that one baby needs to be cared for in the neonatal unit (NNU) while your other baby stays with you on the postnatal ward.

If that's the case, your midwife will encourage you to visit the NNU as often as possible to help the bonding process along (Davies 2009).

If you can't be physically close to your baby, your midwife may give you pictures of them. Looking at pictures of your new baby can help you to bond with them. Just seeing an image of your baby may also help you to express milk for them while they are being cared for in the NNU.

Can I do anything to help the bonding process at birth?

Try to have skin-to-skin contact with your baby as soon as you can. Skin-to-skin is when your baby is placed on your chest as soon as you're ready to hold them. Your newborn bonds through touch and smell, and their senses are tuned in to respond to your unique smell and the feel of your bare skin.

Your midwife may also encourage you to breastfeed your baby soon after you have given birth (Farrell and Sittlington 2009, Moore et al 2007, NCCWCH 2007: 188) to help you both bond.

You may not be able to hold your baby straight after they are born. This may be because you've had a caesarean, or if your baby needs special care. Try not to worry, as you haven't missed a crucial chance to bond. Your midwife should help you to have skin-to-skin contact with your baby as soon as it's possible to do so (NHS 2012).

If your baby is premature, they can have skin-to-skin contact when they are strong enough. Skin-to-skin contact for premature babies, also called kangaroo care, will comfort your baby and encourage their development. It will also help you to bond with each other (Conde-Agudelo et al 2011).

What else can I do to build our bond?

Rest assured that your attachment will develop gradually through everyday caring for your baby, when you:

• answer their cries (St James-Roberts 2008)
• hold them close and cuddle them
  
• give them plenty of eye contact (DH 2009: 25)
• talk to them
  
• smile at them
  

Even when you're not holding your baby, try to keep your little one close to you, so they can see you. Have them nearby in their Moses basket or carrycot during the day. Keep your baby in your room at night for their first six months, so you can tend to them quickly and easily when they need you (Jaafar 2012).

Responding to your baby promptly when they're upset, as well as when they're happy, helps to build these strong bonds of trust. This love, attention and affection will help them to thrive (Reyna and Pickler 2009).

Interacting with your baby as you care for them doesn't just help you to bond, and them to flourish. It also helps your baby's brain to grow and develop (DH 2009: 25).

Baby massage may help along the bonding process (Underdown et al 2013). As you massage your baby, it will come naturally to you to chat to them and make eye contact with them. You'll also learn to read your baby's cues as you massage them. You could ask your midwife or health visitor whether there are any baby massage classes in your area. Your local children's centre should also be able to help you find a class.

You may not have to do anything specific to develop an attachment to your baby. It may simply be the first time you see their smile that you realise you're completely and utterly filled with joy and love for them.

What if I don't bond with my baby straight away?

Try not to worry. You're certainly not alone, as many mums aren't ready to bond with their baby immediately. You may feel guilty about not feeling an incredible attachment to your new baby immediately (Farrell and Sittlington 2009). But bonding is an individual experience that develops at its own pace. It may take days, weeks or months for the bond between you and your baby to develop fully (Farrell and Sittlington 2009).

Your baby may be cute and cuddly, but they're also an entirely new person, one you may have to get to know before you become truly close.

Skin-to-skin contact with your baby, by both you and your baby's dad, will help you all to strengthen your attachment to each other.

Be reassured that as you get to know your baby and learn how to soothe them and enjoy their presence, your feelings of attachment will deepen.

When should I worry?

It may be that, after a few weeks, you don't feel more attached to your baby than you did on the day they were born. You may even feel detached from them and resentful, or hostile towards them, or blame them for the way you feel. It could be that you are exhausted and need some extra support.

If that's the case, talk to your doctor or health visitor as soon as you can (MIND 2013, CKS 2013, RCP 2014). Try not to worry about sharing your deepest feelings, even if you feel bad about them. Your doctor and health visitor are used to hearing about new parents' worries and fears. It's important that you're honest so you can get the help you and your baby need.

Postnatal depression (PND) is more than the baby blues. PND can delay bonding and make it harder for you to respond quickly and sensitively to your baby's needs (Field 2010, CKS 2013).

It's important that you seek help as soon as you notice the symptoms of PND. But rest assured that it is both common and treatable. Your doctor will be able to offer you the support and treatment that you need to help you recover and develop a lasting bond with your baby.

Will her dad bond easily with her?

Your baby's dad is likely to experience his own feelings of attachment if he:

• talks to your bump
• is at your baby's birth
• cuts your baby's cord after the birth
• holds your baby
• bathes your baby

It's thought that dads also experience hormonal changes before the baby is born, and these changes may prepare them for fatherhood (Berg 2001). Some maternity units encourage dads to experience skin-to-skin contact as soon as possible after their baby is born.

Seeing your baby's first smile, trying baby massage and early play may help their dad to form and strengthen attachments with his newborn. Though for some dads, the bonding process does take a bit longer.

Check out our top tips to help dads bond with their baby.