How to avoid spoiling your child

Discipline can be tricky. From time to time, you’ll likely wonder if you’re being too hard – or too soft – on your little one. Don’t worry. There are proven ways for you to find the right balance, helping your child learn to behave well for their age as they explore the world and develop trust with you.

How can I avoid spoiling my child?

You will never spoil your child by giving them too much of your time or affection (CPS 2019). In fact, if they feel loved, kids respond better to positive discipline. That's because they’ll be more likely to trust your guidance if they are feeling happy and secure.

It’s vital to set routines so your child knows what to expect, to set clear rules for how you want them to behave, and then to be consistent about applying them (CPS 2020). Help them learn to take some responsibility for their actions and their stuff.

You can also show them that respect is part of any relationship, by listening to your child when they speak calmly, and always thinking about their feelings (CPS 2020).

Should I give my child chores to do?

Giving your child simple, age-appropriate chores introduces them to the idea of taking responsibility. They'll learn that they can feel good by helping others (Caring for Kids 2018).

As well as setting tasks that they can do on their own, such as putting their shoes in the cupboard, you can involve them in the chores that you do around the house. You may find that they love helping you sort clean laundry! Thank kids when they do chores well, and tell them how helpful they are.

As they get older, you may decide to give them an allowance. This is a great way to teach kids about money and responsibility. Some families encourage kids to do extra chores around the house to earn more spending money (Financial Consumer Agency of Canada 2022).

Children can also be involved in helping others outside the home, such as at a charity or community group. As a family, you could clean up your local park, or donate clothes or toys to a homeless shelter (Bright Horizons 2020).

How often should I give gifts to my child?

Try to limit gifts to special occasions such as birthdays or holidays. Although it’s fine to buy your child a treat now and then, there's no need for a treat on each outing.

If your child expects treats all the time, they may not appreciate them as much. And if they are used to getting a lot of gifts from you, they may not be as grateful when someone else gives them something.

When your child does get a gift, teach them to say a polite "Thank you", and to look after it. Try not to bribe your kids with promises of what you’ll buy them if they tidy their room or eat their veg. Although, it won’t hurt to get them the occasional treat as a reward for being good, or helpful.

If there’s a toy your child wants, you could set up a sticker or star chart so that they can earn it through good behaviour. It will mean more to them to know that they worked hard to achieve it, and they may take better care of the toy if they know that they had to put effort into getting it.

Rather than gifts, try to praise your child’s efforts, good behaviour and accomplishments (Caring for Kids 2018, CDC 2017a). 

How do I know whether to say "yes" to my child?

If you’re not sure whether to say "yes" to something, ask your child why they think it's a good idea. If they really want screen time and have explained that they tidied all their toys, you may feel better about it.

This also helps them to learn to think independently and understand that good behaviour pays off.

If there's no reason not to allow your child something, go ahead! Does it really matter if they jump in a puddle on the way home from preschool, or that they want to wear their pyjamas to a friend’s house? Picking your battles may make it easier to say no when it really matters, such as when they beg for a toy that you can't afford.

How can I stop giving in to my child?

When your child asks for a second cookie after you’ve told them they can only have one, it’s tempting to give in just to make them happy. After all, what harm can one more cookie do?

But giving in can make your child think that they’ll always be able to win you over. This may lead to tantrums and whining.

Try not to give in, but acknowledge your child’s feelings: "I know you really want another cookie, but we agreed that you could only have one. We’ll save the rest for tomorrow."

What makes your child happy in the short term may not be good for them in the long run. So, remind yourself why you’re standing your ground, and let your child know, too: "I know you want to eat all your chocolates now. But if I let you do that, you’d feel sick later on, and we wouldn’t be able to go to the park."

How can I help my child deal with disappointment?

It's hard to see your child feeling upset when they don’t get something they want, and it’s natural to want to make them happy. But they need to learn to deal with feeling disappointed sometimes.

So, when they cry over not getting a toy when you’re out shopping, offer your sympathy, and let them know that this feeling won’t last. Then try to distract them, for example, by chatting about what you can do when you get home (PHAC 2018 ).

When you do have to say "No" to your child, give a reason, so that they don’t feel that you’re doing it for the sake of it. "I know you want to stay at the park longer, but we have to go home so I can make dinner." Also, bear in mind that they may become overwhelmed when they feel unpleasant emotions, so it’s normal to fuss or throw a tantrum when things don’t go your child’s way (CPS 2022).

When your child does have a tantrum, try to remain calm, speak slowly and stay consistent. You can acknowledge their emotions: "I know it’s hard to leave the park when you’re having a good time." Still, it may be impossible to distract them. In this case, it’s often best to wait the tantrum out. Stay close so they know you’re there and to ensure they are safe (CPS 2022).

Read more about helping your child to think about other people’s feelings, and when you can start teaching your child manners.