What can I do to avoid tantrums?
When your child loses control and throws a tantrum, it can be as upsetting for you as it is for your child. Here are some tips that may help you deal with tantrums.
Less "no’s"
Some toddlers simply get frustrated by hearing "no" all the time from the adults around. If you take the time to listen and allow reasonable requests and be positive while answering others, it can make a lot of difference to your child’s moods. "Yes. Let me finish folding the clothes and then we'll do the puzzle," is better than an outright denial of time and attention.
Monitor how often you say no, too. If you find you're rattling it off routinely, you could be putting unnecessary stress on both of you. Ease up and choose your battles. After all, would it really wreck your schedule to spend an extra five minutes at the playground?
Physical activity
Children have a lot of energy and it often helps to let them work it out of their system by taking them to the park or kicking a football around. Make sure your toddler has burnt off some of that energy before you take her to a place where she may have to stay quiet or sit still for some time
Prepare in advance
If you are aware of the situations that trigger tantrums, you may be able to prevent many of them with minor adjustments or a little advance planning.
Give her a gentle heads up before transitioning from one activity to the next. Letting her know when you're going to leave the playground or sit down to dinner, for example, gives her a chance to adjust instead of react. ("We're going to eat when you and Daddy are done with your story" or "Five more pushes on the swing and we're leaving.")
If you know you are going for a long drive or visiting relatives carry snacks if you feel your toddler might get hungry. Let her nap beforehand if she’s had a tiring day, carry crayons and a colouring book, or a stuffed animal small toy or a favourite book to keep her occupied.
If you go shopping it may be best to avoid the candy or junk food aisle that you know may trigger off a tantrum. If she accompanies you to the supermarket, let her select a couple of things. She can pick some fruit from the fruit section or choose a jar of jam or even a bottle of shampoo! This will make her feel important and keep her engaged.
Be clear about rules or expectations
You will be surprised by how young children understand when they are told beforehand what is expected of them. "Put the building blocks back after you finish playing with them and you can then watch the evening cartoon," can be repeated again at the end of play time.
While she might still throw a tantrum, the repetition of the "plan" often makes her follow through with it. Young children find a consistent routine comforting.
It’s also important that anyone caring for her follows the same strategies otherwise she may take liberties with them when you're not around. Speak to family members and your maid about how you'd like them to handle tantrums.
Understand her needs and emotions
Your toddler’s basic physical needs need to be understood. When they are not met, your child may continue to demand things which she only wants but does not need.
So, a sleepy child might insist on watching a cartoon and a hungry child might howl for a lollipop – but only if their needs for sleep and food are met will the demands cease.
Also, your child is grappling with independence and new kinds of demands from you, family members, her peers, and her teachers if she goes to playschool, so let her make choices when possible. No one likes being told what to do all the time. Saying, "Would you like a banana or an apple?" rather than "Eat your apple!" gives her a sense of control.
Screaming comes naturally to toddlers, and you can't force her to keep her temper. Spanking and yelling are especially unhelpful. Your child will only become more unhappy and distressed. If you're feeling angry, it's okay to put her in a safe place, like a safe play area or her crib, and let her scream and cry until you have a chance to calm down. She can't have everything she wants, but she has to be able to count on you for comfort.
Be positive and help her communicate
Your toddler might not be able to communicate her feelings and frustrations. Once the tantrum has passed, sit down and talk to her about how she felt and how she could have expressed her feelings in a different manner. "You didn’t want to leave Anya’s house to come home, so you shouted and cried, but that didn’t help and I didn’t like it too. Next time can you tell Mummy that you would like Anya to come over and play with you the next day?"
Teach her to ask instead of demanding and when you ask her to do something, use positive language like "please pick up your toys" instead of "don’t throw your toys all over the room".
Learn when to pay attention and when to ignore
You may want to take a step back from the situation and try to analyse what triggered the tantrum. On some occasions a tantrum may be caused by physical discomfort and in others due to fears or apprehensions. Sometimes it may be better to ignore your child’s excesses (as long as she is not doing anything to hurt herself), especially if you are at home and you think she is doing it more for effect rather than any particular need.
At other times, it is better to pay attention to your toddler right at the beginning and keep her engaged so that she doesn't explode out of frustration at being ignored. If she has been following you around the market for the last fifteen minutes while you are engrossed in your grocery list and has been asking you questions and getting bored while you haven’t been listening, it may be a better idea to talk to her even if it is just describing the various fruits and vegetables you are buying.
No matter how long the tantrum goes on, don't give in to unreasonable demands or negotiate with your screaming child. It's especially tempting in public to cave in as a way of ending the episode.
Conceding only teaches your child that pitching a fit is the way to get what she wants and sets the stage for future behaviour problems. What's more, a tantrum is frightening enough for your child without her feeling that you're not in control, either.
Lead by example
Avoid arguing, screaming or shouting in front of your toddler or at her. Your child may pick up cues from you and try to imitate your behaviour.
If you feel that you are close to losing your control, leave the room, take a few deep breaths and continue with your usual routine.
Watch for signs of over-stress
Though daily tantrums are a perfectly normal part of the toddler years, keep an eye out for larger problems developing. Has there been upheaval in the family? Have you been extremely busy lately? Is there tension between you and your husband? All of these can provoke tantrums.
If your child is still having major tantrums every day, are getting worse, or you feel like you can't handle them, call your child's doctor. That way, you can make sure there isn't a physical or psychological condition contributing to the problem and get some suggestions for dealing with the outbursts.
Read more on:
Less "no’s"
Some toddlers simply get frustrated by hearing "no" all the time from the adults around. If you take the time to listen and allow reasonable requests and be positive while answering others, it can make a lot of difference to your child’s moods. "Yes. Let me finish folding the clothes and then we'll do the puzzle," is better than an outright denial of time and attention.
Monitor how often you say no, too. If you find you're rattling it off routinely, you could be putting unnecessary stress on both of you. Ease up and choose your battles. After all, would it really wreck your schedule to spend an extra five minutes at the playground?
Physical activity
Children have a lot of energy and it often helps to let them work it out of their system by taking them to the park or kicking a football around. Make sure your toddler has burnt off some of that energy before you take her to a place where she may have to stay quiet or sit still for some time
Prepare in advance
If you are aware of the situations that trigger tantrums, you may be able to prevent many of them with minor adjustments or a little advance planning.
Give her a gentle heads up before transitioning from one activity to the next. Letting her know when you're going to leave the playground or sit down to dinner, for example, gives her a chance to adjust instead of react. ("We're going to eat when you and Daddy are done with your story" or "Five more pushes on the swing and we're leaving.")
If you know you are going for a long drive or visiting relatives carry snacks if you feel your toddler might get hungry. Let her nap beforehand if she’s had a tiring day, carry crayons and a colouring book, or a stuffed animal small toy or a favourite book to keep her occupied.
If you go shopping it may be best to avoid the candy or junk food aisle that you know may trigger off a tantrum. If she accompanies you to the supermarket, let her select a couple of things. She can pick some fruit from the fruit section or choose a jar of jam or even a bottle of shampoo! This will make her feel important and keep her engaged.
Be clear about rules or expectations
You will be surprised by how young children understand when they are told beforehand what is expected of them. "Put the building blocks back after you finish playing with them and you can then watch the evening cartoon," can be repeated again at the end of play time.
While she might still throw a tantrum, the repetition of the "plan" often makes her follow through with it. Young children find a consistent routine comforting.
It’s also important that anyone caring for her follows the same strategies otherwise she may take liberties with them when you're not around. Speak to family members and your maid about how you'd like them to handle tantrums.
Understand her needs and emotions
Your toddler’s basic physical needs need to be understood. When they are not met, your child may continue to demand things which she only wants but does not need.
So, a sleepy child might insist on watching a cartoon and a hungry child might howl for a lollipop – but only if their needs for sleep and food are met will the demands cease.
Also, your child is grappling with independence and new kinds of demands from you, family members, her peers, and her teachers if she goes to playschool, so let her make choices when possible. No one likes being told what to do all the time. Saying, "Would you like a banana or an apple?" rather than "Eat your apple!" gives her a sense of control.
Screaming comes naturally to toddlers, and you can't force her to keep her temper. Spanking and yelling are especially unhelpful. Your child will only become more unhappy and distressed. If you're feeling angry, it's okay to put her in a safe place, like a safe play area or her crib, and let her scream and cry until you have a chance to calm down. She can't have everything she wants, but she has to be able to count on you for comfort.
Be positive and help her communicate
Your toddler might not be able to communicate her feelings and frustrations. Once the tantrum has passed, sit down and talk to her about how she felt and how she could have expressed her feelings in a different manner. "You didn’t want to leave Anya’s house to come home, so you shouted and cried, but that didn’t help and I didn’t like it too. Next time can you tell Mummy that you would like Anya to come over and play with you the next day?"
Teach her to ask instead of demanding and when you ask her to do something, use positive language like "please pick up your toys" instead of "don’t throw your toys all over the room".
Learn when to pay attention and when to ignore
You may want to take a step back from the situation and try to analyse what triggered the tantrum. On some occasions a tantrum may be caused by physical discomfort and in others due to fears or apprehensions. Sometimes it may be better to ignore your child’s excesses (as long as she is not doing anything to hurt herself), especially if you are at home and you think she is doing it more for effect rather than any particular need.
At other times, it is better to pay attention to your toddler right at the beginning and keep her engaged so that she doesn't explode out of frustration at being ignored. If she has been following you around the market for the last fifteen minutes while you are engrossed in your grocery list and has been asking you questions and getting bored while you haven’t been listening, it may be a better idea to talk to her even if it is just describing the various fruits and vegetables you are buying.
No matter how long the tantrum goes on, don't give in to unreasonable demands or negotiate with your screaming child. It's especially tempting in public to cave in as a way of ending the episode.
Conceding only teaches your child that pitching a fit is the way to get what she wants and sets the stage for future behaviour problems. What's more, a tantrum is frightening enough for your child without her feeling that you're not in control, either.
Lead by example
Avoid arguing, screaming or shouting in front of your toddler or at her. Your child may pick up cues from you and try to imitate your behaviour.
If you feel that you are close to losing your control, leave the room, take a few deep breaths and continue with your usual routine.
Watch for signs of over-stress
Though daily tantrums are a perfectly normal part of the toddler years, keep an eye out for larger problems developing. Has there been upheaval in the family? Have you been extremely busy lately? Is there tension between you and your husband? All of these can provoke tantrums.
If your child is still having major tantrums every day, are getting worse, or you feel like you can't handle them, call your child's doctor. That way, you can make sure there isn't a physical or psychological condition contributing to the problem and get some suggestions for dealing with the outbursts.
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