Child abuse - how to tell if something's wrong

Approved by the BabyCenter India Medical Advisory Board | April, 2020
If you suspect that your child is being abused by the person who cares for her, look out for physical symptoms and behavioural changes. Sometimes they can be difficult to spot. We guide you through what to look for.

How do I know if my child has been physically abused?

If your child is being physically abused, you may notice that she:
  • Cries and puts up a fight when it is time to go to the person who looks after her.

  • Appears frightened around the person caring for her or other adults.

  • Comes home with unexplained burns, bruises, cuts, broken bones, black eyes, bite marks, or other injuries. Repeated injuries of any type can be a warning sign.

If your child is old enough to talk and has an unexplained injury, try to find out from her where it has come from.

Ask her questions such as, "How did you get that bruise?", "Did anything happen to you today that you didn't like?" or "Have you ever been frightened at day care centre?" Ask your child these questions regularly, even before you suspect anything. It is difficult for children to admit to abuse, as they often feel that they have done something to deserve it.

If your child isn't old enough to talk, pinpointing physical abuse can be much more difficult. Sometimes her injuries may not be obvious, such as internal bleeding.

You may only discover these if your child won't stop crying, is behaving strangely, or seems in pain, and you take her to your doctor.

Children who have been shaken violently may have injuries that are hard to spot. Shaken baby syndrome (SBS) happens to children who are shaken in anger, and their resulting injuries can be minor or severe and may include:

Your baby may not display all of these symptoms, and she may just appear sleepy and unwell. SBS can be difficult to diagnose without your child having an X-ray to check broken bones and internal bleeding.

If you suspect your baby is suffering from SBS, take her to the doctor immediately. Every moment counts in terms of the damage a baby with SBS will suffer.

Shaken baby injuries usually happen to children who are younger than two years old, but they can show in children as old as five.

How will I know if my child is being emotionally abused?

Emotional abuse means that the person looking after your child is treating her cruelly. Cruelty may mean, making her do unreasonable things, or constantly criticising or bullying her.

This sort of abuse can be more difficult to recognise. You may assume a sudden change in your child's behaviour to the fact that she is missing you and is getting used to childcare.If you suspect your child is being emotionally abused, you may notice your child:
  • Develops behavioural changes or problems, such as shunning your affection, becoming excessively clingy or behaving in an angry or depressed manner. Abused children often show extremes in behaviour. So a normally outgoing and assertive child may become unusually compliant and passive, while a generally mild child may act in a demanding and aggressive manner.
  • Becomes less talkative or stops communicating almost completely, or displays signs of a speech disorder, such as stuttering or stammering.
  • Acts inappropriately for her age. For example, she may become overly protective toward other children, or revert to rocking and head-banging like a baby.
  • Suffers delayed physical or emotional development, such as walking or talking.
She may also continue to have regular temper tantrums well into her preschooler years. However, since every child develops at a different rate, you can't always be sure that something is wrong.

How will I know if my child is being sexually abused?

If you think your child has been sexually abused, she may show physical and emotional signs, such as:
  • Pain, itching, bleeding or bruises in or around the genital area.
  • Difficulty walking or sitting, possibly because of genital or anal pain.
  • Becomes scared and distressed when you leave her with the person who cares for her or alone with another adult.
  • Tries to tell you about the abuse indirectly. For example, she tells you she has been asked to keep a secret by her caregiver, or that she spends time alone with them.
  • Demonstrates sexual knowledge, curiosity, or behaviour beyond her age. For example, she may masturbate, have obsessive interest in sexual matters, or show seductive behaviour toward peers or adults.

What can I do if I think my child is being abused?

You may think that talking to your child may make her feel uncomfortable, but staying quiet, ignoring or not discussing such issues can do more harm.
  • Always trust your gut feeling. Even if there is no other evidence, you can't underestimate that gut feeling if something doesn't feel right.
  • Let your child know that you are there for her irrespective of what the situation is.
  • Tell your child that she should always tell you the truth no matter what. If she breaks a vase and tells you about it praise her for honesty. Let her know that while you are a bit upset that your vase is broken you are much happier that she spoke the truth and that she didn't get hurt.
  • It is important to highlight the honesty as this will open up the channels for future communication.
  • Tell your child that no one is allowed to hit her or threaten her. No one should touch her genitals, bottom or chest or try to remove her clothes or kiss her. And if such a situation occurs she should tell you immediately.
  • Spend time with your child. Answer her questions honestly and patiently. Sharing a close bond will encourage her to speak about her feelings.
  • Talk to your child about good and bad touch.
  • Never blame your child for 'inviting abuse'. Remember she is a child and must be protected. Most of all let her know it is not her fault. Instilling self confidence and self belief will go a long way in healing.
  • Reassure and support your child continuously. Let her know you love her and will always be there to take care of her.

Where can I get help?

It's often seen that parents are frightened to go to the authorities even if they fear their child is being abused. They may even try to behave as if all is well. They believe that with time everyone will get over the situation. Some families also feel that such situations may dent their public image or tarnish the 'family name'.

It can be a very emotional and difficult time for everyone, but remember that your child's well-being and protection is paramount. Talk to your husband and family first to find out if they have noticed anything different? But whatever the case may be, you should take all possible steps to protect your child from abuse.

If you would like to discuss any worries or need help with handling a difficult situation here are some resources:
They will talk you through the signs of abuse your child may have, and advise you on what to do next.It's best to have information and strategies ready before you take up the matter with your child's caregiver or the crèche or daycare.

You may want to have a private chat with other parents who use your child's caregiver or crèche, though there's no guarantee that their children are also being abused.

Realise that abused children and their families are likely to face emotional turmoil long after the abuse has ended.

You and your child will benefit from a strong support system, whether you rely on relatives and friends or a support group specifically for abuse survivors.

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