Funeral Basics is an excellent website that offers a comprehensive list of resources for planning a funeral service. We recommend starting with their Funeral Checklist. 

Allow people to help. One of the most common responses we hear is that sometimes you don’t know what help you actually need or anticipate needing. Many of the items on this list can be done or started by someone else. Ask a close family member or friend to help manage the tasks below or identify someone that may be best suited for each item. You will find many people will want to help, even strangers. Be sure to keep contact information of those offering to help; you may not have an immediate need but may discover one at a later time.

Many people will often volunteer to deliver a meal as a way to offer support. Ask a family member or friend to coordinate the process and spread the word to others who may want to participate. Include friends, co-workers, neighbors and church members.

We recommend setting a specific time for meals to be delivered and placing a cooler by the front door for meals to be placed in. This is a very overwhelming time and it may be too difficult to speak with each person delivering meals. 

For those who are assisting with establishing a meal plan, here are some steps to get you started.

1. Determine the portions needed or have the meals planned to come every other day. Fridges often fill up very quickly and become hard to manage. 
2. Help the family with weekly fridge cleaning and purging.
3. Make note of any food allergies, preferences or limitations.
4. Keep a log of people who provide meals and their contact information so the family you can offer words of appreciation at a later time.
5. Request gift cards request for local restaurants, Door Dash, Uber Eats, Grub Hub and Postmates for those who are not in the area.
6. Set up a website that help coordinate meal deliveries with ease. Families have used Meal Train, Give in Kind, Care Calendar , and Lotsa Helping Hands. 

The loss of a mother during childbirth is unexpected and never planned for. Most young families also do not carry funeral expense insurance or own burial plots. Depending on where you live and if you elect for burial or cremation, the average cost of a funeral is around $5,000-12,000.

Families and friends may offer to start a fundraiser or crowd-funding website to help with funeral and burial expenses.

Go Fund Me offers quick and simple websites to help get your fundraiser started. Simply tell your story with a photo, set a goal, and share it with friends and family. You will need an active bank account to get your Go Fund Me account set up. Funds raised are available in just a few days and will be directly deposited into the bank account you link to the fundraiser. There are minor fees that are taken out of each contribution, however the ease of set-up and the ability to quickly share on social media platforms makes it a very appealing solution. 

Write things down. Your memory will likely be unreliable for some time. Keep a detailed journal of your daily activities and thoughts. This can be immensely therapeutic. You may even consider writing a letter to your loved one. 

Create a spreadsheet to help you list the tasks you need to accomplish. Put these items in order of priority and set a reasonable goal to accomplish them. It can be hard to grieve when the financial and logistical burdens require so much attention and time. Establishing such a foundation will help you stay focused and give you a sense of accomplishment as you successfully complete each task.

The Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) is a Federal Act that allows eligible employees to take an unpaid, job-protected 12 weeks off to help care for a newborn child or a family member with a serious health condition, or if you are suffering from a health condition (mental health and PTSD qualify) without being. Eligibility is determined by the company you work for and how long you have been employed. Learn more and see if you qualify here.

For spouses/partners with joint accounts:

Visit your local bank branch office and ask to speak with the Branch Manager or Operations Manager. It is best not to work with a teller or new account representative. Establishing a relationship with a long-term employee who has the power to make decisions is important.

Inform the Branch Manager or Operations Manager of your loss and explain you’d like to cancel the debit card but not remove your spouse’s name from the account. DO NOT CLOSE A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT. Ask them to place a note on the account of the death. You may receive checks in their name for some time so it is important to keep their name on the account. Be sure to add a payable on death (POD) beneficiary, such as your children or trusted family member. If you have a living trust consider opening a new savings account and leave any excess money that is not needed for monthly bills in this account. The reason for this is if you change your existing checking account to the name of the trust and get a check in your wife’s name, you may not be able to deposit that check. Having excess funds in a trust account will allow the trust administrator or executor to access the funds and avoid probate should something happen to you.

If a memorial account is established, consider setting it up at the same bank and branch. If friends or family are doing this for you, please ask them to work with your bank contact. This will help the Branch Manager become more familiar with your situation and will likely be more apt to make considerations regarding bank transactions such as holds, fees, etc.

If your spouse/partner handled the finances, consider hiring a local bookkeeper to help you sort through bills and online banking. Seek referrals for these types of individuals from a trusted advisor, such as an attorney, CPA, banker, or friends and family.

For family members of a mother who was uncoupled/single with no will:

As soon as you notify the bank of your loved ones passing they will freeze the account. You cannot access your loved ones funds unless you are listed as a beneficiary and can provide them with the death certificate and proper identification.

If your loved was was single and did not have a will and did not have a beneficiary on their bank accounts, the account will be frozen and sent to the state in which they lived. The assets and property are then passed by intestate succession to their heirs. (children or blood relatives). This process is different and depends on the state where your loved one lived. Usually the court will appoint an administrator who divides up the assets.

Finding bank accounts

If you are unsure where your loved one had bank accounts you can pull a credit report which may identify open cards or credit lines such as overdraft protection. You can also search their phone for apps for online banking, check their mail for statements, or email accounts for the words “bank or credit union”.

Typically, if the accounts are not accessed for a period of 2-3 years the funds will be sent to the state in which they resided. Check out Unclaimed.org or MissingMoney.com to search for any unclaimed property and be sure to check that regularly for several years.

If your loved one had a life or accidental death insurance policy, contact your agent or company immediately. Check with their employer (Human Resources or direct boss) to inquire if there is a company-sponsored life or accidental death life insurance policy in place for her. Confirm who the designated beneficiaries are. Typically, insurance policies will require a cause of death for the death certificate. See our section on death certificates for more information about cause of death. When closing credit cards, be sure to ask if there was any life insurance connected to the account

If you are unable to unlock the screen lock consider changing the password to one you use or writing down the password in a place you can access often. Consider having someone connect with the entire contact list to notify everyone of a memorial service.

We recommend preserving their voicemail message in another form, as it may be deleted accidentally if the phone malfunctions or the service contract ends. Be sure to back up the phone to iCloud or to your computer to keep all photos, text, and voice messages. Check with the phone carrier to see about the best way to do this. Consider reducing the minute plan and keep the phone service on to notify any future callers of your loss. Below are the direct links to the major cell phone carriers in the U.S. on what your options are and what documentation will be needed.

Verizon
T-Mobile 
Sprint
AT&T

Make a complete list and photocopy each of your spouse/partners credit cards, business expense accounts, and any other open account they may have. Each of these institutions will need to be notified. Many will require a copy of the death certificate to validate your request to close the account. Ask each company whether there is any applicable insurance that pays off the account in the event of a cardholder’s death. Consider running a credit inquiry to identify any other open accounts. You can do this by contacting the major credit reporting agencies: Equifax, Experian, or Transunion.

If there is an existing auto loan or lease on your loved one’s car you’ll want to contact the lender to notify them as soon as possible.

Loans
Auto loans are based on the value of the car and are guaranteed by the signers of the loan. If you co-signed for the loan, you are responsible to still make payments. Do your best to make all payments until you can sell the car and pay off the loan. If your loved one did not have co-signer on the loan, the estate is responsible for ensuring the loan is paid back. You can work with the lender to inquire about returning the car however, there are usually fees and often times the value will not cover the total cost of the loan. If there was no co-signer and no will, you will need to go through probate to gain the rights to sell the vehicle. This process varies by state.

Lease
Similar to car loans, if you co-signed for the lease, you are responsible to still make payments. There may be a provision in the lease agreement that allows for an early termination, lease transfer or swap. If this is not an option, you can work with the lease company to have them repossess the car and the estate will be responsible for paying any remaining balance.

Insurance
Contact the insurance company to inform them of your loss. You can inquire about coverage for non-use to keep it insured until you are able to sell it or you can remove your loved one from the policy. If you plan to keep the car, you’ll need to work with your state department of motor vehicles to get the title and registration transferred.

Title,  Registration, and License
Each state’s department of motor vehicles will have their own process for title transfers which may include special provision such as transfer on death (TOD) or Joint With Rights of Survivorship (JWROS). You will also want to formerly surrender your loved one drivers license.

Obtain the current information regarding any applicable 401(k) accounts if you have joint investment accounts or investment accounts held in your spouse’s name. There are many options and tax considerations to make. Be sure to speak with a licensed financial advisor preferably one that is a CFP before making any changes. If you do not currently have one, ask for a referral from your estate attorney or a trusted advisor. For the most current information about 401(k) and IRA rules and regulations, please visit the government website below.

 HYPERLINK https://www.irs.gov/retirement-plans/401k-plans

Be sure to contact the utility companies and any other subscriptions or memberships you may have to transfer service to your name or removed your loved one’s name. These may include 

Gas and Electric
Trash 
Water
Sewer Television or streaming services 
Internet provider
Music services
Gym membership or Fitness based apps 
Newspaper, magazine or audio service subscriptions
Library cards
Food or Gift box subscriptions

If your spouse or partner’s employer provides your insurance, there may be a grace period when you will still have coverage. You’ll need to work with Human Resources or with the insurance company directly to inquire about how long coverage will last and what options are available You will also want to add your newborn child to the policy. Depending on your spouse’s employer you may also be able to continue coverage through COBRA.

Review your loved one’s phone for any cash or payment exchange apps and contact them to close their accounts. 

Venmo 1- 855-812-4430
Paypal 1-888-221-1161
Zelle 1-844-428-8542
Apple Pay
Samsung Pay

As you continue to process your grief you may find that you would like to do something to memorialize your loved one. There are a number of creative ways to honor and remember them. Here are just a few ideas. 

• Check with the funeral home to obtain a copy of their fingerprints and order custom jewelry
• Create a memory box with photos and keepsakes
• Order custom jewelry or keepsakes with their cremains
• Commission or order memorial artwork or sketches
• Donate to causes in their honor
• Dedicate a park bench or plant a tree
• Design and obtain a tattoo
• Create a memory garden 
• Pen a journal to your loved one
• Spend time in a place you frequented with them

We want to honor your loved one with a special personalized AFE Memorial candle. Order here and use coupon code AFElight at checkout.
One candle per family please. Additional candles can be purchased on the same website.

Spouses, family members, and health care providers that are present during the delivery may develop post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. PTSD is a serious condition that can occur after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or scary event where there was serious physical harm or threat of physical harm or death. A diagnosis is made by a mental health professional and requires treatment.

The PTSD Risk Assessment can help you understand if you might be experiencing symptoms of PTSD. This is not a diagnostic tool, but may be helpful in assessing your symptoms. If you believe you are suffering from symptoms of PTSD, it’s important to seek professional support.

AFE Foundation Grieving Family Support Group  
This group is for any family members who have lost a loved one to an AFE. This group provides a forum for sharing in grief, seeking comfort, and asking questions of others in similar circumstances. Our hope is that this group will prove helpful in the days, weeks, months and years following the AFE. The group is a closed group to ensure the members posts are only available for others members to see. This group was established by and is moderated by the AFE Foundation.

AFE Foundation Grieving Fathers Support Group 
A group for fathers who have lost a spouse or partner to AFE, this group provides a forum for sharing in grief, seeking comfort, and asking questions of others in similar circumstances. Our hope is that this group will prove helpful in the days, weeks, months and years following the AFE. The group is a closed group to ensure the members posts are only available for others members to see. This group was established and is moderated by the AFE Foundation.

General Books on Grief

• Why Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner
• When There are No Words: Finding Your Way to Cope with Loss and Grief by Charlie Walton
• It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Megan Devine
• A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
• The Five Ways We Grieve: Finding Your Personal Path to Healing after the Loss of a Loved One by Susan Berger
• How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese A. Rando, Phd
• Good Grief by Granger E. Westberg
• Comfort: A Journey Through Grief by Ann Hood

For Parents Grieving the Loss of an Adult Child

• Death of an Adult Child by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D
• Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child by Ellen Mitchell
• Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child by Gary Roe

For Siblings

• Sibling Grief – Healing After the Death of a Sister or Brother by P. Gill White
• Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies by TJ Wray

For Widowed Fathers

• Two Kisses for Maddy: A Memoir of Loss & Love by Matt Logelin 
• When Your Soulmate Dies by Alan Wolfelt

• The Wonderful Gift is a children’s book written by Quinea Postel, who lost her sister to amniotic fluid embolism (AFE). This book introduces a character named Penelope, an angel who walked among us, whose life’s purpose was to deliver “the gift” of a child. It is for children of all ages and can help foster a conversation about the loss of a mother and the birth of a child.
• The Invisible String is specifically written to address children’s fear of being apart from the ones they love. The Invisible String delivers a particularly compelling message in today’s uncertain times that though we may be separated from the ones we care for, whether through anger, or distance or even death, love is the unending connection that binds us all, and, by extension, ultimately binds every person on the planet to everyone else.
• Why Do I Feel So Sad is an inclusive, age-appropriate, illustrated kid’s book designed to help young children understand their own grief.
• Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies is an art therapy and activity book for children coping with death. Sensitive exercises address all the questions children may have during this emotional and troubling crisis. Children are encouraged to express in pictures what they are often incapable of expressing in words.
• The Good Mourning Book was written by a young boy who lost his mother that helps children process, from a peer’s perspective, the broad range of emotions, thoughts, and pain experienced after the loss of a loved one.
• The Memory Box will help children and adults talk about this very difficult topic together. The unique point of view allows the reader to imagine the loss of any they have loved – a friend, family member, or even a pet. A parent guide in the back includes information on helping children manage the complex and difficult emotions they feel when they lose someone they love, as well as suggestions on how to create their own memory box.
• Goodnight Star Whoever You Are helps kids cope with grief, loss, and longing in an enchanting way, sparking meaningful conversations about the everlasting power of love. With an imaginative point of view, kids will discover that the connection they share with the person or pet who died transcends the space between them.
• When Mama Goes To Heaven seeks to provide a healing narrative about loss that helps them tap into that capacity.

It is important to take at least 30 minutes to an hour each day to have to yourself. This is vital for you to replenish your mind, body and spirit. Tell family and friends you need this time. Some common tips that have been helpful to others have included going to the gym, coffee shop, place of worship, park or library. If you have a hobby, be sure to continue to do that. Depending on the time of year, getting outside can be very beneficial. Be mindful that some of the loneliest and isolating hours are once the baby and children are in bed. This will be a good time to connect with friends or seek the comfort from the support groups.