Anxiety in young children

Most of us feel anxious sometimes. Young children are no exception, especially as there's still a lot that they don't understand about the world. Worries and fears are a normal and natural part of your little one’s development (Bennett & Walkup 2019). Your child may develop fears or phobias over certain things, such as insects or the dark. Or they may experience separation anxiety or social anxiety. If your child’s feeling anxious they may be clingy or irritable. Learn more about the most common symptoms of anxiety and how to help your preschooler manage their fears.

How can I tell if my child feels anxious about something?

Your child may not always fully understand their emotions, or be able to find the words to tell you how they’re feeling (NHS 2019). For example, your child may react to anxiety by having an angry outburst instead (NHS 2019). Other signs of anxiety in preschoolers can include:

• unusual clinginess
• being irritable, upset or tearful
• disrupted sleep routines
• eating more or less than usual
• potty-training regression or wetting the bed
• bad dreams
  (NHS 2019)

Older children may not want to try new experiences or challenges, or often talk about bad things that are going to happen. You may also notice that your child doesn’t have the same concentration on tasks that they used to (NHS 2019).

Is childhood anxiety normal?

It’s completely normal for your preschooler to feel anxious from time to time. Some children experience more anxiety than others, but for all children it’s a normal part of their emotional development (NHS 2019).

As your child's imagination grows, they’re suddenly able to think about all kinds of real or imagined threats. They’re also becoming more aware of what goes on around them. They may be more sensitive to conversations, so might feel anxious if they hear you discussing job worries, having an argument, or talking about someone who’s ill, for example (NHS 2019, RCPSYCH 2015). Distressing experiences that affect the family, such as a bereavement, will also impact on them and cause them to feel more anxious for a period (NHS 2019, RCPSYCH 2015).

Even happy changes in your child’s life, such as a new baby, can be a source of concern as they thrive on routine (NHS 2019).

What types of anxiety does my preschooler feel?

Everyday fears and phobias

It’s common for preschoolers to develop fears or temporary phobias about certain things, such as insects, animals or thunderstorms. These fears are a product of your little one’s developing imagination. They often resolve on their own as your child gets older and their understanding of the world and themselves increases (NHS 2019, RCPSYCH 2015).

Fears may also arise from your child’s direct experiences, such as getting lost in the supermarket, or seeing someone getting hurt. If you think that something your child has experienced is causing them to feel anxious, be sure to talk it through with them. Let them know that it's OK to feel scared sometimes, and that you’re always there for them (NHS 2019).

Your child may also worry about things they’ve heard about but don’t fully understand, such as earthquakes, people getting divorced, or ferocious dinosaurs. If there’s no reason for their fear, gently acknowledge it and explain why there’s no need to worry. Sometimes, with younger children, distracting them with something else in the moment is all that’s needed (NHS 2019).

Fear of the dark

When the lights go out, your preschooler’s imagination may run wild. It’s common for young children to be afraid that monsters are hiding in the wardrobe, or lurking under the bed, especially between the ages of three and six years old (Legg 2017). Don’t dismiss your child’s night-time fears, as to them, they're very real.

It's important to explain to your child that monsters aren’t real. Avoid scary stories, in books or on screens, especially just before bed, as these will feed an active imagination.

You could also try using a night-light with a dimmer switch to help your child gradually get used to a darker room (Legg 2017). As your child matures, they'll come to realise that they’re perfectly safe in the dark.

If your preschooler has older brothers or sisters, encourage them not to talk about monsters, witches and other scary topics around their younger sibling, who won't understand when they're joking. Remind them that their younger sibling is still little and explain that things that don't scare big girls and boys can still be frightening for smaller children.

Shyness or social anxiety

It's normal for your preschooler to sometimes feel shy in social situations (Legg 2019). They may happily run into a crowd of other children but get nervous around adults. Or they may feel comfortable around adults but take longer to warm to children their own age.

Some children are naturally more shy than their peers (Legg 2019). For others, it can simply be a normal stage of their development. Whatever the reason for your child’s shyness, be sympathetic to their feelings. Make sure they only have to socialise in small groups, or with just one other person, until they feel more confident. Over time, you can gradually increase the size of the group they play with, if they’re comfortable.

During playtime at home, it may help to act out some common situations that make your child feel shy. For example, using your little one’s dolls or toys, act out meeting a new person, or asking someone to play with them. Encourage your little one to do it too. This may give them some ideas of what to say when they feel tongue-tied or shy.

Encouraging your child to be helpful and kind to their friends can also help to counteract shyness, as it helps them to feel more at ease in social situations (Legg 2019).

Let your child see you enjoying time with your friends, so they can see how you handle social situations, and learn how much fun they can be.

Separation anxiety

Babies and toddlers often go through a phase of getting upset when they have to leave their parents. This is known as separation anxiety. It’s common in young children between the ages of six months and three years (NHS 2018, RCPSYCH 2015).

Separation anxiety is part of children's natural brain development, as they gradually realise that they're separate from their parents, and it's possible for a parent to leave them, even if it’s only for a short time (NHS 2018).

Often separation anxiety can be triggered by a big event, such as starting nursery, or the death of a family member. You may notice your little one being more clingy and unwilling to leave your side. They may even refuse to go to nursery or become distressed when you drop them off.

Although it can be upsetting for you too, the best way to deal with separation anxiety is to be reassuring but firm. Give your little one a brief hug and a smile and let them know that you’ll be back to pick them up later. It may also help to leave them with a familiar object, such as a favourite toy (NHS 2018).

If your child seems particularly distressed and anxious about going to nursery, speak to a member of staff. It could be that it takes them a while to warm up to it each day, and they’re generally happy there. Or there may be steps that the nursery can take to help your little one feel more safe and secure.

What can I do when my preschooler feels anxious?

If your preschooler just has the occasional moment of anxiety, a cuddle and a little reassurance may be all they need. It won’t make them clingier or stop them from being confident. It’ll just let them know that you’re there to help as they tackle their fears at their own pace.

Here are some other practical ways to help your preschooler manage their anxiety:

• Acknowledge your child’s anxiety or fear. Often, your preschooler's worries may be rooted in something rational and sensible, so don’t dismiss them. Reassuring your child and letting them know you understand how they feel will help to put them at ease.
• Prepare your little one as best you can before a big event. For example, if you’re moving house, tell them what’s going to happen and why.
• Try not to become overprotective of your anxious child. Remember that you’re helping them get the most from new experiences and allowing them to become more independent from you.
• Help your child recognise when they’re feeling anxious. If they’re old enough, you may even be able to describe the physical feelings of anxiety and how they can rise and fall, like a wave.
• Have a regular routine around bedtime and getting ready for nursery – this can help very young children cope with separation anxiety.
• Let your child know that it isn’t wrong or babyish to feel anxious or afraid. Explain that it’s a normal way to feel when doing new and interesting things, or things we care about. Let them know that they can always ask for help when they feel anxious about something.
• Use books and games that help children to understand and talk about things that may be upsetting to them, such as illness, bereavement or separation.
• Distraction can be an effective way of helping younger children forget their worries. If you know a particular event will make your child anxious, play games on the way or talk about something completely different.
• Use a ‘worry box’ to help your child describe and share their worries. Use an old shoe box with a slot cut into the top. Your child can draw their worries and slip the paper into the box. Some parents and children use worry dolls. These are a collection of small dolls that your child tells their worries to, then slips the dolls into the pouch, one by one. The idea behind these techniques is to help your little one let go of their worries.
• Practise simple relaxation breathing with your little one when they get anxious, such as taking three deep breaths, in for a count of three and out for a count of three.
  (NHS 2019, RCPSYCH 2015)

When should I get help for my child's anxiety?

If you feel that your child’s anxiety is starting to affect their everyday life and activities, it may be a good idea to talk to your GP.

Consider seeking professional help if the techniques above aren’t working to comfort your child, and if your preschooler’s anxiety:

• interferes significantly with their usual routine, or with family life
• severely limits what they’re willing to do
• makes them want to stay home from nursery or playgroup for a long period of time
• disrupts their sleep
• is accompanied by nervous behaviour such as hair-pulling or skin-picking
• involves severe phobias of particular activities or objects

For more advice on supporting your child’s mental health, Young Minds runs a free helpline for parents and carers of children and young people. The helpline is open Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4pm on 0808 802 5544.

In most cases, your child will naturally outgrow their anxieties with time. In the meantime, offer them all the support and comfort that they need, with plenty of cuddles when they feel anxious.

More on preschooler behaviour:

• What to do if your little one has got into the habit of biting their nails
• How to manage your child’s public tantrums
• What to do if your child is aggressive