How to teach respect

What to expect at this age

When your two-year-old wants something, she's likely to demand it. If she doesn't get what she wants, she will probably scream at you.

Children this age need encouragement and support to learn the difference between "good" and "bad". And even when your toddler does start to learn the difference, she will still struggle at times to control her responses.

Fortunately, there's plenty you can do to help, even at this young age.

What can I do to teach respect?

1. Show respect
Always try to treat your child with respect. Take your time to listen patiently when she's talking to you. Get down to her level and look her in the eye. Let her know that you're genuinely interested in what she's saying. It's the best way to teach her to listen to you carefully.

Make sure you always exercise good manners too. Say "please" and "thank you" when you ask her to do something. Use polite words as a normal part of communication, both within your family and in public. Children learn by copying your behaviour.

2. Keep your promises
If you told your toddler that you would take her to the park if she tidied up her toys, keep your promise. If not, she's much less likely to show you respect and do as you ask next time.

3. Praise respectful behaviour
Whenever possible, praise your toddler's impromptu displays of politeness. Be clear and simple in your responses. Don't just say "good girl" or "well done" when she says something polite. Be more specific, for example, say, "Thank you for saying please when you asked for some juice." That way your child will quickly learn that her efforts are worthwhile and appreciated.

Teach her that you'll only respond to her requests if she asks politely. Instead of "Come now", get her to say "Come please, Mummy?" As your child's verbal skills mature, she'll be able to come up with these polite requests herself.

4. Pick your battles
Try not to tell your preschooler all of the things she should and shouldn't do at once. This may overwhelm her and she’ll be much less likely to do as you ask. Focus on one or two things that are particularly important to you. This could be taking her shoes off when she comes indoors or putting away her toys before bedtime.

By giving your child one or two things to focus on at a time, she will learn much more quickly what is expected of her. She'll also be more likely to respond positively to your expectations.

5. Testing boundaries
All two-year-olds test their boundaries. It's one of the ways they learn what is acceptable and what isn't. Make sure you and your husband are both clear about what your boundaries are and how you will both respond when they are broken. The more clear and consistent you are, the sooner your little one will learn to accept them.

6. Don't overreact
If your child hits or scratches you, try not to get upset. She's trying to provoke a reaction and you need to work out why. It could be because you won't let her have something she wants, or that she's bored and in need of attention.

Respond by saying, quietly but firmly, "We don't hit or scratch in this family." Then show her how to get what she wants in a respectful manner, "When you want me to play with you, just ask me nicely."

7. Expect disagreements
Remember that your two-year-old’s language skills are still developing. So when you tell her it's bedtime, she can't say, "I'm really having fun with my bricks, and I wonder if we could negotiate for five more minutes of playtime?" She's more likely to ignore you or cry at the top of her lungs.

Try to think about why your child may be kicking and screaming. It may not be because she's being awkward, but that she's tired, hungry, and can't cope with another change.

Try to remember that when your child won't do as you ask, she isn't always trying to be disrespectful. She just has a different opinion from you.

8. Set limits
One of the best ways to demonstrate respect is to be both kind and firm in your discipline. Being kind shows respect for your child, and being firm shows respect for what needs to be done.

If your two-year-old throws a fit in the supermarket, and none of your coping methods work, try the following tactic. Kindly, but firmly, carry her screaming to the car and sit with her quietly until she calms down. Then, if you feel up to it, you can return to the shop. That way, she'll learn that a temper tantrum doesn't change the fact that you have to do the food shopping.

9. Five minute warning
Toddlers often struggle with change, especially if they're enjoying themselves. Why would your two-year-old want to come to bed when she's having fun playing with her toys? Why would she want to turn off the TV when she's enjoying her programme? Help your child manage change by giving her a five-minute warning. This will help to prepare her for what's happening next.

10. Talk it over later
If you and your two-year-old have had a disagreement and she's become upset, there's no point trying to talk about it or reason with her at that moment.

When you've both had a chance to calm down, have a cuddle on the sofa and talk it over in a clear and simple way. Don't go into too much detail. Validate her feelings and make your point by saying, for example, "I know you didn't want to come home from the park, but it was getting late and I needed to make dinner."


Read more on:

• How to encourage social and cultural development in your toddler
• Establishing good sleep habits: 24 to 36 months
• Why does my toddler let others take his toys?