Helping your child to be confident

Does confidence matter?

It is easier for your child to accomplish tasks and to be generally competent when she feels confident. And your child will find it far easier to feel confident when the people around her have confidence in her. Like other children, she blossoms when the adults close to her approve of what she does.

It works the other way round, too. It is easier for your child to feel confident when she feels competent. The more you praise what she does, the more competent she'll feel.

Children blossom when we expect them to blossom. They sink when no one expects them to swim.

Can my child appear confident when she isn't?

Adults and older children can put on a show of confidence even when they don't actually feel confident, but small children can't. What you see is what they feel. Adults can talk themselves into believing that something is less important than it actually is. But your small child can't do this.

What she can do is bounce back from set-backs and criticism, unless they occur repeatedly and her efforts and achievements go unnoticed.

The habits we form when we're very young often follow us through life. Sadly, if a child is made to feel she's failed and is criticised repeatedly, this can set the tone for the rest of her life.

How can I help my child to believe in herself?

By believing in her. When you believe your child can do something, you project that attitude to her (knowingly or unknowingly), and it really does influence what she can do. Research suggests that children flourish in schools that have high expectations of all their pupils, particularly when encouragement and praise are used liberally.

If teachers have such influence, how much good could you do?

In another study one group of children were told repeatedly that they were good at maths, another group that they should be better. Guess which group did better in the maths tests at the end of the year?

How can I show my child that I believe in her?

• Always look for the positive: "These silly socks are hard to put on, aren't they? But you got the skirt, top and vest right!" It will help her look at herself and her work in a positive way too.
• Praise her efforts: "That was hard and I know you tried your best. Well done for trying." Praising her efforts rather than the end result will help her value hard work and encourage her to put in effort when tasks get difficult.
• Tell her she can: "That is hard, but if you really try I think you can do it." Encouragement like this will help her attempt tasks she feels are out of her reach.
• Expect good behaviour: "I expect you to tidy that puzzle away". This will set a standard for her that she will strive to hold true to. 
• Be polite: "Thank you for putting the toys away." This shows her your respect for her and makes her feel worthy of the respect.
  

Is my opinion of my child important to her self-esteem?

The attitude you project as her parent is crucial. This is because your child's view of herself is partly a reflection of the views others have of her. In earlier days when most children lived in large joint families, the negative views of one doubter probably carried less weight than they do today.

Not all parents who love their children make this clear to them. Nor do parents always balance criticism with praise. Research suggests that even in the most positive households, children hear twice as many negative comments as they do positive ones.

And busy lives mean it's tempting to use the times when your child is being good to get through the tasks you need to do. In effect, you ignore her when she's good. Because it's impossible to get on with your own thing when she misbehaves, you inadvertently give more attention to bad behaviour.

When my toddler acts up she usually wants attention. Why does she behave like this?

All children, and particularly toddlers, crave our attention. If it's easier to get it by misbehaving, they will misbehave.

Your toddler does not sit down and think to herself, "If I am naughty, Mummy will stop talking on her phone".

Neither do you think, "If I give her attention when she's disruptive, she will become more disruptive". It just happens that way, because actions that lead to a desired result tend to be repeated.

But there is a price. If she gets your attention by behaving in a way she knows makes you unhappy and upset with her, this lowers her self-esteem and confidence. Children's confidence grows when they genuinely feel special and helpful.

If you live in a joint family, you may notice that your child's interactions are different from one member to the other. You may also feel that some family members have a different approach to handling things. It's best to speak with other family members about the strategies you would like to adopt. This way everyone is on the same page and your child won't get conflicting signals.

How can I build my child's self-esteem?

Always:

• Use carrots (rewards) generously and sticks (punishments) only when absolutely necessary. They both work, but carrots build esteem while sticks deplete it. If your child has confidence and self-esteem, she will behave better and be more likely to stretch herself to her full potential.
• Try to ignore bad behaviour. Don't shout. Either walk away or put on a neutral expression, pick her up and put her outside the room. When she comes back into the room (which she can do), tell her that you're glad she has decided to be good.
• Criticise the behaviour not your child ("Pinching is a naughty thing to do" not, "You are a naughty girl"). The first version leaves her self-esteem intact, the second runs it down.
• Pay attention to good behaviour. Often all that's needed is a smile, a pat on the head, and a comment like, "That looks great". And make sure your child overhears you telling others about her achievements, such as when you're on the phone with her nani ma.
• Keep a tally of praise and tellings-off, and make sure the praise is always in the lead.
  

Never, never:

• Call her names or make her feel small.
• Let other people call her names or make her feel small.
• Forget to tell her how much you love her.

How can I nurture my child's competence?

• Help her in ways she doesn't notice. For example, if you put her T-shirt face down on the bed she is more likely to put it on the right way round.
• Push gently. When she can do a puzzle with four pieces give her one with six, then 10, then 15. If she cannot manage 15 pieces, then find one with 12. Always build on her success, not on failure.
• Let her know that you make mistakes: "Silly Mummy, look what she's done! Now I've got to start all over again. How annoying."
• Break tasks down into manageable chunks and work with her so that she does the bits she can do.
• Let her know you sometimes need encouragement: "I think we need a cuddle Saanvi ".
• Say, "I know you'll do your best".
• Say, "I know you tried hard".
• Expect her to be good at things.
• When she is, praise her.

Read more on:

• How to encourage and develop your toddler's independence
• Social and emotional issues: issuing orders
• How to teach respect (age 2)