It's not getting any cheaper to raise a child, but we're learning to roll with it. That's one big – and comforting – takeaway from BabyCenter's 2015 Cost of Raising a Child survey. Of the more than 1,000 women who responded, 3 in 5 are worried about having enough money to see their children to adulthood. That's still significant, but it's a 9 percent drop from last year. (Progress!)
BabyCenter moms report spending an average of $13,248 per child per year – not far off from the U.S. Department of Agriculture's 2013 estimate of $13,900 (the fourth year in a row our readers' budgets have lined up with this statistic). East Coast parents say they spend about $1,000 more, unsurprising given how expensive many cities are in that slice of the country. And the more money parents made, the more they spent – $2,600 more per child for those who earned at least $100,000 a year. That said, 3 out of 5 moms say it's possible to raise a kid on less.
Social media is your frenemy
While Facebook and Instagram may be full of your peers enjoying exquisite vacations and happy family moments, more than half of moms say social media doesn't make them feel like have-nots. They actually feel they "have a pretty good life" when scrolling through friends' feeds. But that still leaves a considerable number with a case of the envies: 22 percent feel like their life is "not as fun," and 13 percent feel like their life is "not as good" as their social media friends'.
Perhaps social media doesn't tell the whole story: 2 out of 5 moms say these sites are just for sharing "good or positive" news about their lives. Some say they'd rather not be seen as a complainer ("I don't like to be 'that one negative person' on Facebook," one mom wrote in our survey), and others don't want to open the door for scrutiny ("I don't want people to know how bad off we are, it's embarrassing," shares another).
Our friends' fabulous Facebook pages just aren't reality, points out New York therapist Jodi Zisser. "It's someone else's best version of an experience. They're not showing you the compromises and sacrifices they made to have that presentation."
Rather than getting caught up in impossibly perfect Instagram feeds, consumer savings expert Andrea Woroch suggests trying a social media site like Pinterest, which gives users an outlet for their wish lists. Or turn it off – unfriend or unfollow people who make you feel like you need to keep up with the Joneses.
Student loans drag on and on
Despite fairly healthy earnings compared to the rest of the country – the median income for survey respondents is $78,795, while 2013 U.S. Census Bureau data pegs the national median at $51,939 – nearly half of the moms said they're still saddled with student loans. This while they fret over their children's educational future or, more accurately, how to pay for it. (How to pay for college came up time and again as a concern.)
But perhaps we're setting ourselves up for failure. Trying to save a quarter-million in today's dollars for four years of private college "is virtually impossible for most families with more than one child," says Bill Driscoll, a certified financial planner. "A lot of kids go to public school. A lot of kids get scholarships, whether athletic, merit, or need-based. Trying to save four years of private school tuition is not feasible for most people unless you're very wealthy."
Instead of worrying about your childrens' college funds, put your own retirement savings first, advises Peter Bielagus, a financial educator and speaker. "If you have not saved enough for your child's college education, there are options," he explains. "There are educational loans and scholarships. But there's no such thing as a retirement loan." He compares it to the airplane safety message, where you're instructed to "put on your own oxygen mask, then your child's. We really do need to take care of ourselves before we take care of our child. Financially, it's the smartest thing to do."
Busy kids, pressured parents
Although many moms say they're still in hock for their own college education, 55 percent don't regret borrowing for school, saying it created "new opportunities" for them. And plenty want just the same for their kids. An overwhelming majority – 87 percent – want to "introduce them to new things and experiences."
Perhaps that's why almost half of moms are stressed trying to create the life they want for their children: 46 percent have gone into some debt because of childrearing bills, and 1 in 3 are working longer hours to pay for it all. If you find yourself in this camp, Woroch says it may be time for a reality check. "Any time you have to go into debt to pay for something, you really have to evaluate your spending," she advises. "It doesn't necessarily mean that you can't afford to give your kids those things. You just may need to re-budget."
Moms report spending an average of $1,391 a year on activities, and 30 percent are fully prepared to stretch beyond their "comfort zone" in paying for these extras. Social media pressures notwithstanding, an impressive 91 percent say they're not doing it to outdo other parents. They simply think it's best for their kids. High costs aside, 56 percent say they feel pressure to sign their children up for many activities. "That's probably the biggest expense now, aside from food – the things they do extracurricularly," says Carol Holyoke, a mother of two. The payoff? "You get to see them becoming enriched human beings, and you hope that will fulfill them," she says.
Jenny Cohen, a mother of two in Washington, D.C., says, "Pretty much every woman I know works, whether part-time or full-time, in order to provide all this. But it's a constant struggle, and there's very little fat, financial or emotional, in our lives. There's very little wiggle room. What would it look like if all of those things were free, if all public schools were fabulous, and they provided all these extracurricular activities?"
It's not just the money, either, that's keeping moms up at night – it's the juggling. "I want them to have opportunities, and sometimes it's stressful trying to schedule all the things they want to do," says one mom. And it's wearing on their relationship with their partner: 20 percent of respondents say their relationship is suffering from financial pressures and long hours.
"Working more comes at a cost. That cost is time away from your family, possibly resentment at your partner that you're doing more work, and being more tired and therefore not as able to be as invested with your children," says therapist Zisser. "You think you need more money to provide something, but perhaps if you're not working longer, you're being there in a happier, healthier way, and that's actually giving more to your child."
Address the money stress
Nearly half of moms say their kids suffer when there's parental tension or fighting over money. And even though a quarter of moms say they never fight about finances, that's not necessarily a good thing. "If you're really not arguing because you have a handle on it, that's great,” says Woroch. “If it's because you don't understand your financial situation, that's bad."
All the more reason to be clear on your financial priorities. Woroch suggests setting up regular money meetings with your partner to go over family finances and come together on a plan. Create spending rules – for example, if something goes over a certain amount, you have to check with each other first – and set savings goals so you agree on what you're aiming for financially. And pay down that debt. "It's important for parents to realize that going into debt to make the perfect life is worse than not having everything you want," she says. "Focus on your own debt so you can be free and able to meet future goals," like having more children, a decision 50 percent of moms say they've postponed for financial reasons.
Keep your focus on the important things in your family's life. "What kids want most of all is a sense of stability," says Leon Hoffman, director of the Pacella Parent Child Center in New York. Hearing parents fight over money can make children anxious. "They might be worried that Mom and Dad are going to split up because they fight all the time. What kids need more than anything is a sense of 'You are taking care of me. I'm being taken care of.'"
And that, thankfully, comes for free.
