If you ever find yourself wondering what to do for someone who has experienced the death of a child or someone close to them, buy two copies of this book. Give the first copy to the bereaved, and read the other copy to educate yourself on how to comfort your grieving loved one. The cost of the book is a fraction of what it takes to have flowers delivered, and it will do far more good and have a much more lasting impact than any bouquet could offer. Of the many books I have read about grief and loss, this was by far the most helpful. Before I was even halfway finished with this book, I ordered another ten copies to give as gifts. As of this writing, I have four copies left.
Writing as someone who facilitates support groups for parents whose children have died and as a bereaved parent, I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone who is grieving or who wants to help someone who is. After the deaths of my two oldest sons at the age of 21, the depth of my grief terrified me. I dared not fully surrender to it, afraid of where it might take me and unsure of whether I could ever return to a functional life afterwards. To me, grief was a feeling I suppressed as much as possible, and something I fought like a tiger when I could not escape its clutches. Dr. Cacciatore helped me (in her words) “to understand that monster [grief] isn’t separate from me.” "Bearing the Unbearable" lays bare the process of grief, making it available for inspection and understanding. And seen in the light of day, I found it to be far less frightening.
Some writers are great storytellers and some have a poetic way with words; others are masters of their subject matter. Dr. Cacciatore combined all three talents to produce a book that is loving, informative, unflinching, soothing, honest (sometimes brutally so), and uplifting. Although the book is an easy read and I am a voracious reader, I did not finish it in one sitting. I paused frequently to savor Dr. Jo’s words and let them sink into my heart and soul. I then re-read the book with a highlighter at hand, marking some passages that I believed would be valuable in a support group setting, and other sections that seemed to have been written just for me. Chapters 12 and 18, "Intensity and Coping" and "The Practice of Being With", were inspiring to me as a facilitator. "Early Manifestations of Grief", Chapter 4, is the most heavily highlighted chapter in my copy, and it has proved particularly helpful in group with the newly-bereaved. But Chapter 13, "Contraction and Expansion", truly spoke to my soul. It defined for me in hindsight a process that I have experienced time and again since the deaths of my sons. I came to see that my periods of contraction were not evidence of a failure to cope, but were instead a valuable coping mechanism.
As she is well-acquainted with grief in its many forms, Dr. Cacciatore’s thoughtful words serve to make bereavement less terrifying. Her unique understanding of grief makes me certain that I can navigate this journey, and relying on "Bearing the Unbearable" gives me confidence that I can help others do it, too.
Dr. Cacciatore - Thank you for this book. Harriet Beecher Stowe could have been describing you when she wrote: “There are in this world blessed souls, whose sorrows all spring up into joys for others; whose earthly hopes, laid in the grave with many tears, are the seed from which spring healing flowers and balm for the desolate and the distressed.”
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A Must-Buy Gift for the Bereaved
I have lost both my father in 1997 (non-hodgkins lymphoma) and my sister in 2018 (rare lung disease). After my sister passed, I attended a grief group. Several of the women recommended this book. I couldn’t find any book about grief that was helpful until I read this one. My recommendation would be to send this to the bereaved a few months after they lose their loved one. Dr Cacciatore (the author) lost her newborn and although many stories are about bereaved parents, I could easily relate. The lessons she shared are so important and validating.However, I don’t think most could take these lessons in when newly bereaved (hence one of the negative reviews which broke my heart - for her). I completely understand that when the pain is still so raw that nothing seems to help. That is why I would say gift this to someone when they seem ready to start healing. At the very least, they will greatly appreciate you thinking of them when the world has moved on and they are still dealing in pain.Thank you Dr Cacciatore for your insights and wisdom. You’ve brought me a lot of peace.
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Top reviews from other countries
TwoBrightSuns
Excellent book on the subject of grief.
Reviewed in Canada on April 11, 2020
Fig Woodworks
A must read book for grieving parents
Reviewed in Australia on November 8, 2019Andrea Ditullio
The only book on grief I’ve finished, so far.
Reviewed in Canada on May 26, 2023
