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286 of 311 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
I have seen the face of God.,
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
I didn't feel the need to plan my weekend around 5 small gummybears. But if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
It began with a noticeable change in the viscosity of my saliva. Within minutes of consumption, my mouth had filled with a thick foamy slime. Though I was in a cool climate controlled room a salty sweat broke out, and I felt my heartbeat quicken as my body threw itself into fight or flight. The animal noises broadcasting from my pelvis were an ominous warning of the violent acts that were to follow. I shouldered my way into the bathroom, clawing at my belt, moaning with pain. The smell came first. It started sweet, almost tangy. That was quickly overpowered by a cloying chemical perfume. The first volley of feces hit the water like soda cans and nickles. The resulting splash drenching my bottom in foul brackish water, but this was quickly becoming the least of my worries. After another moment, the noises in my core hit a fever pitch and I was struck rigid with pain. The sweat was now running into my eyes, but the room had turned ice cold and my hands began to spasm. I felt an insidious burning flooding my escape hatch. I gasped. Hot yellow poison began spraying from my rear, changing in pitch and echo as the stream of diarrhea whipped around the toilet bowl, creating a nightmarish Doppler effect that can only be appreciated in hindsight. My legs fell asleep sitting on the toilet. I couldn't have stood up if I wanted to. Wiping was a no-go. Toilet paper simply became a vile paper mache'. My hands were quickly soiled. A full blown shower was needed, and all of my towels had to be burned. So happy with my purchase, would recommend to friends and definitely buying again!
702 of 873 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars
Could be used to torture information from terrorists.,
By
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
It was my first deployment and I had been missing a lot of stuff from the states. I could get gummi bears at the PX here but not sugar free, and with the army weight regulations I try to keep my snacking healthy. Thus, when I saw a 5 lb bag of sugar free gummies I couldn't help but putting the order in. The gummies shipped in a varily fast manner and I was relieved to notice that non of the gummies appeared to have melted or been damaged in anyway. When I got the bag I was somewhat shocked, seeing for the first time how much 5 lbs of gummie bears actually is. I knew there would be no way for me to consume them all alone. Luckily, we had a range later that week. I stashed the gummies in my wall locker until the range.
-------------------------------------- On the day of the range, we all sat under some camo nets we had put up to protect us from the sun as we waited our turn too qualify. During this time, I broke out the gummies. Everyone was stoked. We all sat around chatting as we ate delicious soft squishy gummies washed down with Rawdatain water. So far, the range had been going smoothly. Soon it was my turn to fire. I was given range 3 and I immediately got into prone as this range starts off from the prone supported position. I adjusted my sand bags and that's when I realized something wasn't right. --------------------------------------------- It start with just a gurgle and then a grimacing pain. I could hear the range control over the loud speaker "Firers Prepare to fire-Lock and Load your weapons" GURGLE- the noise was terrible the pain was horrifric. I tried to focus on the target by my vision started to blur and sweat poured into my shooting eye. All the while, "Firers place your selector switch from safe to semi". I could not longer feel my hands they had gone numb. I realized at that moment I had to go and I me GO. An then, "Firers, at this time you may fire your weapons". I didn't move my switch from saftey; even if my hands weren't numb, I wouldn't have trusted myself with a loaded weapon. Now, I had another problem. The range was hot! I heard firing around all around me. I weakly fumbled with my weapon and placed it in a safe position. The range safety came up to me. "Soldier, is there something wrong". The look I gave must have gave said it all. The safety waved his paddle and the call was made. "Seize fire! Seize fire! Seize FIRE!" I was up and looking for relief. Perhaps the other Soldiers stopped firing, buy my colon had just begun. I made rush to the porta johns to find they were all filled up. Of course, I had shared those gummies with at least 10 other troops. The noises coming out of those porta pots will cause PTSD for many years to come. I thought for a second about finding a place out of sight. However, it was futile, I was in the desert you could see for miles all around. Then I remember the nationals had a porta pot and likely no one else knew it was there. It was under the range control tower surrounded by a small fence. ------------------------------------------------- I rushed, as quickly as possible in my condition, clenching my cheeks and praying to every god I had ever heard of. I made it and found it was unoccupied. I opened the door to find, in my dismay, an Eastern Toilet. I began to take all my gear off in a hurry. Whilst, small amounts of air slipped past my cheeks with a liquid like feel. "Oh gods!" I thought. I clenched tighter ripping my boots off I could tell I would need all my clothing off as this was likely to cause to cause an immense back splash.Finally, disrobed, I allowed the release....it was a clumpy tidal wave of destruction. The smell was nothing of this world. I tried not to vomit as my anus took on a will of it own expeling this sickness from my system. After, I looked down in horrior at the Eastern Toilet realizing there was no way that this was going to drain properly. I accepted defeat at my attempt to clean up the terrible smelly gummie soil and washed myself up with some baby wipes I so mercifully had in my ACU pocket. I put my clothes on and stumbled out of the toilet. As I walked, one of the natives walked by me. I tried to warn him, but he didn't understand. I only heard him cry out "Allah" as he slammed the door walking away from the porta pot looking at me with fear. The eyes telling it all. He couldn't understand how that could have come out of a human being without killing them. In the end, 10 troops were given saline solution for dehydration from the terrible gummies. Our unit swore a vow of secrecy to never speak of this experience again with one another because of the back flashes that some still have. Thanks Haribo !
57 of 69 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
It's All True: Haribo Unleashed,
By Ken Miller (Seattle, WA) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
We’d all heard the rumors. Haribo Sugar-Free Gummies are “truly the best in the world.” Those who indulged in the sweet, sans-sugar treat were “truly at a loss for words on where to begin.” But with great taste comes great, and terrible, side effects. This ambrosial nugget of the gods supposedly will destroy your innards. Dozens of individuals reported bloating, cramping, and explosions of cosmic proportions. They can’t all be true, can they? Surely someone is exaggerating, I thought.
I am here today to tell you – it’s all true. Every. Word. I myself was a skeptic for some time. The innocuous bag of brightly colored treats veritably begged for consumption. But a thought still lingered in my mind like that last leaf on a fall tree before it slowly drifts away on a crisp winter’s breeze… what if? So I ate one. I ate ten. Ali had procured a bag of these scrumptious chewables and, since the woman gave it to me, I ate of it. Nothing happened. The ten gummies from my first exploratory endeavor had no effect whatsoever on my gastrointestinal workings. Encouraged, I decided that perhaps the reviews were exaggerated. Perhaps the Miller Genes could handle Haribo’s Wrath. I was wrong. The next day, figuring there could be little harm, I ate the rest of the bag – perhaps 25 or 30 of these tiny, tasty bears. And for a while, all was quiet on the Southern front. But then it began… It starts with a slight rumble. As though perhaps not everything is quite alright downstairs. But it’s the minor kind of rumble that is soon forgotten, much like the sound of a settling house. Soon the rumble becomes a growl. Somewhere nearby, a lumberjack has started his chainsaw. There’s a buildup of pressure, but nothing a well-timed one-cheek-sneak cannot release and alleviate. The first few depressurizations were uneventful, if a little on the long-winded side. It was actually the curious lack of smell that got me worried. By this time, a cramp had begun building in my gut; the kind of cramp that says to you, we’re not going anywhere anytime soon. The cramping intensified, and soon it became apparent that there was no remaining gas to release. Then it hit me – the horrifying realization that there was a wall of solid matter between the building gas and the only release valve available. Hoping that the gas could work its way around the obstruction, I remained in my chair. Sweat began to bead my now-furrowed brow. Eventually, it all became too much. Nearing prarie-dogging status, and with an explosion imminent, I had to retreat to the bathroom. Seconds after I’d settled on the seat, the first throes of this experience took me, and they were not gentle. With a titanic explosion, the plug rocketed from my anus and impacted against the rear of the bowl. To this day, I’m honestly not sure if the noise came from the gas, my own throat, or the sonic boom of the turd as it was expelled. This was only the beginning. While the removal of the material that had been present in my colon was relieving, I soon realized that this was just the first step in a long road to the most thorough cleansing imaginable. That first segment of solid matter and gas was gone, but it left behind something far more dangerous – a volatile mix of gas and liquid. Yes, the gummies had turned to mush inside of me, and that mush wanted one thing. Escape. Time and time again, I raced to the restroom under threat of imminent soilation. The first gas-liquid hybrid mix formed a column of frothy liquid that exited with such force and prejudice that I was nearly thrown from the toilet seat. My exhausted muscles could push no more, but by this point, no pushing was required. Like opening the spillway of a dam, the gates must merely be opened, and a jet of high-pressure liquid flowed freely. With each new sloughing of the bowels, a handful of brightly colored faces would float to the surface, mocking me. Their tiny faces filled me with such despair, it nearly broke my spirit. Now, several hours into the ordeal, the bloating became extreme. My innards distended, morphing me from a sweet-tooth-satisfied young man to a whimpering, pregnant husk of a creature. With visible engorgement of my abdomen and fearing dehydration, I called in backup. Two angels arrived at my door with Gatorade. Yes, the elixir of electrolytes slaked my thirst and drove back the demons of dehydration… but adding more liquid to this situation was not the answer. A dozen more times, I returned to pay homage at the porcelain alter. Each time, something was released. I can only assume, based on the feelings, that it was fresh, white-hot magma that flowed from within. By this time as well, the gas-to-liquid ratio was thinning, producing a frothy, fetid, fecal spray. My brain conjured images of Diet Coke – I’m sure that my posterior looked like a re-enactment of what occurs when a Mentos is dropped into a two-liter bottle. The same brown mix of gas, liquid, and artificial flavoring was spraying from my backside, albeit with perhaps three orders of magnitude more force. Finally, the siege upon my anus ended. Sweaty, exhausted, and with quivering legs, I finally felt the confidence to release a single, miniscule fart. Jaw set in concentration, I summoned the last of my strength to raise myself on my left buttcheek. Freeeeeeep! It squeaked out – at last, a release of pure gas with no attendant liquid. A lump formed in my throat; my eyes teared. It was finally over. The weakness lasted for a full sixteen hours. I dared not eat anything of real substance, lest it too rumble out of me like a rocket lifting off. Humming Irving Berlin’s “Blue Skies” to myself, I happily abstained from food for the remainder of the next day. Twenty hours later, I was able to consume once more, and a frozen meal from the case in the grocery had never tasted so good… and likely never will again. What they say about these gummies is true. You might think an iron-clad constitution could handle them, but you are wrong. You are wrong, and you will pay the ultimate price if you eat more than the recommended serving. The moment I realized I could fart again without spraying like a loose garden hose nearly brought me to tears of joy. Don’t think about it. Don’t try this at home. You are wrong! And you have been warned!
192 of 260 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
These truly are the best gummi bears in the world!,
By
Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
The first time I encountered Haribo Gummi Bears was when I went to Germany for a semester overseas. I won a bag of these as a classroom prize.
At first, I thought these were going to be ordinary gummy bears, but, boy was I wrong. These candies truly are a step above all other gummy bears. In Germany, this is THE brand of gummy bears. Competitors' bags are sold at much lower prices, but few people buy them - and that's because the difference in quality and taste is noticeable. The other people's reviews regarding sweetness and softness are accurate. Haribo has found the perfect combination. During the rest of my stay in Germany, I became a huge consumer of Haribo candies. Haribo sells other gummy candies, but their "Gold Bears" are the best. When I returned to beautiful America, I was disappointed to find that Haribo is not so easy to acquire. They are sold online at other stores at decent prices but after shipping, the cost was quite steep. I am truly excited to see these bears offered on Amazon with free super-saver shipping. If you have never had Haribo Gummi Bears, you really need to try some. A 5-pound bag seems like a large quantity, but I promise, you will not be disappointed. -- Edit: Nov 2, 2008 - When I wrote this review two years ago, Haribo was still quite difficult to find at grocery stores. It seems today that I can find them just about anywhere. In this case, Amazon still provides a really great deal on 5 lb bags. If you don't want 5 lbs, you can shop at a local grocery store. But I must recommend this: if you will not eat all of the gummy bears right away, transfer them to an air tight container. If you leave the gummy bears exposed to the air, they will get very stiff after a while.
44 of 59 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars
Gummi From Hell,
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
First let me start this off with a description of who I am,
My name is Robert, I live in what used to be Tucsan Arizona, and after this story is done you will know why I say used to be. I am 34 years old and work as a contractor. I'm a bit of a health nerd who works out seven times a week and eats only the top of the line protein shakes and other nastiness that is my lifes blood. Im single, and after this I doubt any lady will ever come near me again. Anyways one day in my normal everyday life I decide to peruse the internet and to a lesser extent Amazon. My teeth were unfortunate enough to have a sweet tooth and nothing in my kitchen was anywhere near sugar-free yet sweet to the core, so I decided that I may as well search for something that might satisfy me in times like this. Then the miracle that is Haribo came upon my search window. The price for a 5 pound bag was nothing but a steal, so my finger decided to hover over the purchase button, and for a moment my finger just stood there a ominous sign for the things to come. And with over zealous enthusiasum i pressed the order button and thus my death was secure. A week and a half later after much anticipation my bears arrived at the door. I was suprised that when I opened the box that none of the bears had melted in the hot swealtering heat that is Arizona, a foreshadowing for just how indestructible this substance is. I was overjoyed and after the week and a half of saving myself for these delicate gummi snacks I decide I may as well provide that day as my cheat day. I sat on my couch with the bag in my lap and turned on House Luckly for me I had the entire series on DVR and as it was a Saturday I had no obligations but to sit and eat my new snack. Four hours later and 124 gummis later, Dr Cuddi had finally fired the damn son of a b*&ch.; My life was good at this moment, I was chewing on a gummi bear, my sweat tooth was satisfied and I was in complete bliss. As I continued to the next episode, my gut was extended to the point that I realized it was time to stop, unfortunately it was already to late the damage had been done to my digestive tract. A moment later the first of many gastrointestinal shudders started, my stomach started off l at a low rumble, and proceeded to a loud roar of a jet engine taking off for the last time. My bowels were about to explode at this point and I felt substance leaking out, needless to say I chose to attempt to make my way to the restroom across the hall, waddling like a penguin to the safety of my ivory bowl. Unlucky me though, my restroom is over 15 feet across my house, and I was nowhere near able to hold myself for that long a treck. It was at this moment against the excrusiating pain that I went back to that moment when my finger hovered over the button on that fateful night, and looked back at it in a third person veiw, wishing to be able to yelll to myself that the button should never be pressed, a sat in horror as I watched the button be press and I was instantaneously sent back to the hallway where my colon was excreting mass liters of substance, and I was in desprate need for a john. Pulling myself up I forced my way to the throne that is my toilet and didn't even bother to close the door, and as my rear end met the cool plastic my rectum could no longer hold the flow of old faithful, (which now looking back was no where near the pressure that was exerted from my intestines). Hot molten fire was pushed through me and to the point where my toilet bowl was near passed its breaking point. .......... It was at this moment good Saint Paul that I came to these Pearly Gates The monument that is this angel turned to me and pinched his nose. The smell of my restroom had found its way past the ground zero that is Tucsan and had risen to the clouds of heaven. The face Saint Paul made was one of disgust and pure terror, an instant later I was kicked down from cloud nine and sent hurtling to my body down below. .......... Thanks to Haribo I know am a godly man, I have given up the life of a fitness freak and now live as a monk off in the Seirra Navada, away from any who may still smell the stench.
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars
Will NOT induce horrible, horrible diarrhea,
By
Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
Amazon's reviews are a bit confused here. Many of the reviews of this product mention the bowel-churning properties of the *sugar-free* Gummi bears. These are NOT sugar-free. These are normal Gummi bears intended for human consumption. Buy these if you want to enjoy some Gummi bears. The fiercely colon-emptying sugar-free Gummi bears are far, far more expensive, and are explicitly labeled as such. Do not be mislead by the reviews on this product! They will not make you explode!
313 of 438 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
Hurts so good!,
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
I am truly at a loss for words on where to begin. On a whim about a month and a half ago, I purchased my first 5 lb bag of Haribo Gummi Bears. It arrived in 2 days and was packaged quite nicely. When I opened the box and saw the size of the bag I thought "Hmmm. That's a lot of gummi". I set it in my kitchen and forgot about them the first night.
When I woke up the next morning and was getting ready to leave for work, I decided I would open them and take a handful with me out the door. 7:30am is kind of an odd time to enjoy gummis I know, but they were there and I figured what the heck. That moment single-handedly changed my life. I can't decide if it was for the better or for the worse. As soon as I popped a couple gummis into my mouth, it was like I transcended from my body and was looking down at myself. It was literally a flavor explosion and I was at ground zero! I ended up not going to work that day in order to finish off the entire bag. Did I get sick? You bet. Three times. I found myself vomiting from the sheer amount of sweetness and the expansion of my stomach. As soon as I finished vomiting I went back to the bag for more! Since that day I have purchased an additional 77 5 lb bags of Haribo Gummi bears. I find myself separating them by color so I can decide what flavor to get sick on next. I have managed to get back to work, albeit totally distracted. All I find myself doing is sitting in my office, dreaming about getting home and getting sick of Haribo Gummis. This is the closest thing to heaven I have ever experienced.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
My brother and I were bored in the house as the rest of out family ...,
By
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
It was three days before Christmas. My brother and I were bored in the house as the rest of out family was out looking for Grandma (Alzheimers, you know). We were hungry- most of the food was reserved for the search party. We were rummaging around in the basement and happened across a bag of these gummy bears stashed among Grandpa's liquor. We assumed that Mom was saving them for stocking stuffers. "Score!" we thought. Oh how very wrong we were.
The first handful was exquisite. We looked at each other with excitement as we tasted this delectable sweet. We looked back at the 5 pound bag and realized that our mother would know we ate them if we only left half. "There's only one thing to do", said my brother, "We must eat them all." This is a decision I will regret until the day I meet my maker. Handful after handful we gobbled them up. After about five minutes we could no longer handle the sweetness. We decided to feed the rest to the dog. He was a relatively healthy eater, so we figured this wouldn't harm him too much. As my brother bent down to feed the dog, he broke wind with the force of an earthquake. The smell brought tears to my eyes. He turned around, his face full of fear. "Lord help me!" he cried, as he made a mad dash for the s***ter, dropping the bag in the process. Right as this happened, my bowls started to shudder. I clenched my cheeks, unsure as to what was happening. I listened to the noises of shattering porcelain from my brother's throne. I couldn't hold it any longer. I sprinted to the upstairs bathroom, worried that I wouldn't make it. I dropped my drawers just in time. The sludgy mass shot from my anus as I heard my brother curse the satanic crap flowing from his rear. After about an hour, we dragged ourselves back to the kitchen, unable to process the horrors which had just occurred. The gummy bag lay empty on the floor. The hound was nowhere to seen. We assumed he had kicked the bucket. When our family later returned, they found the dog. He seemed to be fine. We were so relieved. Later that night, a howl ripped through the house. Massive flatulence emanated from the dog bed. The fumes penetrated ever room in the house. We will never be able to enter the dog's room again. Lovely product!
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
Just one more..,
Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
Regret never tasted so sweet. Pop one of these bad boys in your mouth and you open up the flood gates. Soon enough youll be huddled aching in the corner of your living room with the lights out ignoring phone calls, blowing off plans, all because these delisious little beasts. Ive been dedicating rainbows ever sense and couldnt be more satisfied.
10 of 14 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
To anyone who thinks these reviews might be fake,
This review is from: Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
My friend and I bought this bag and received it today. I ate about 20 and sure enough within 30 minutes I was feeling the effects. These reviews are not a joke. Seriously.
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