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The secret of getting a waiter to your table is saying the sentence before the point of any story.
4 retweets 21 favorites
When Second City cast member Severn Darden was hired by the Coca-Cola Co. to create a new catchphrase, Darden suggested "Eat Coke."
1 retweet 3 favorites
YouTube
I'VE BEEN INVITED TO PLAY CANDY CRUSH SAGA!
6 retweets 42 favoritesExperts predict that by 2021 we will have exhausted the planet's supply motivational quotes.
18 retweets 31 favoritesPlease. I ate that in November. @UberFacts: The average person eats 35 tons of food during their lifetime.”
There hasn't been a decent flu season since H1N1.
5 retweets 11 favoritesThis evening's entertainment (my people tell me there's talk of a third load if Bill Murray shows interest). #humor http://fb.me/2n8MZV2Uz
If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. -Dr. Maya Angelou
340 retweets 363 favoritesWatch This Young Black Man Give A Near Perfect Response To A White Male Who’s Ignorant About The... http://fb.me/3MQzKq3Tz
1 retweet 4 favoritesA Last Gift From The Genius Mind of Taylor Negron: Reflections On A Life Spent Playing Everyman http://fb.me/3v0PzXsFo
8 retweets 11 favorites
Yes but clean-shaven. @MichaelJMapes: @MrCraigBierko Will you look like your sister from the after school special”
Why change strategies now? @texdon09: @MrCraigBierko Sounds like a transformation. Will we recognize you?”
This was the worst December of my life. I have decided to escape January pound by feckin' pound. 30 days of boot camp. #miseryabs
If someone tells a story that involves hand shaking and they make you shake their hand I think you should be allowed to kill that person.
7 retweets 13 favoritesPeople put Twitter down but I find the lightening quick exchange of new and challenging ideas endlessly stimulating. http://fb.me/78T6Kn6nA
4 retweets 17 favorites
@MrCraigBierko My brother still suffers effects from cancer.His family could use a little help.Please DONATE or RT. http://www.gofundme.com/8vnjrg
It's a vacuum cleaner. @GayAtheistLH: @MrCraigBierko - What's a vacuum cleaner?”
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