We cannot emphasize this enough. This wine has never seen wood. This wine HATES trees.

Explain why you hate trees.

"I have a condition called hylophobia, which is a fancy way of saying I'm scared of wood. Wood fear runs deep for me. It's serious. It comes from a traumatic incident when I was still very young."

Could you describe the incident for us?

"I'd … really prefer not to. The hypnotist I've been working with has encouraged me to stay away from that memory."

Very well. Perhaps the reader can simply apply their imagination so we don't have to.

"That's true. We wouldn't want anybody getting carpal tunnel syndrome or working overtime."

You sit as Chair on the Arbor Abolishment Board, an organization dedicated to eradication of all trees. What's that about?

"People have an irrational connection with trees because they're charismatic and manipulative. Look at how they coerced the Lorax. They're very good at that sort of thing. 'The Giving Tree?' More like … uh … the TAKING tree."

Hm.

"Let's move on."

What do you say to the people who argue that trees are integral to human survival on this planet?

"I'd say they need to WAKE UP. They've fallen for more ridiculous 'facts' perpetuated by the tree lobby. Trees have deep pockets and they're very influential. They've got a lot of heavy hitters on their side. The ugly truth is this: We don't need them. We've never needed them. You think they're CLEANING our air? BULLCRAP! Trees are filthy."

But they must also serve other uses, too. Even just chopping them down for firewood …

"Firewood? We could just burn books."

Interesting proposal.

"You've got to be solution-oriented in the battle against the trees. I realize that tree abolishment activists may not be popular today, but I believe history will reveal our agenda to be the one that is right and true."

Sorry, did you say popular or … poplar?

"Hilarious. Really."

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