Have you heard of movies? We've suggested some! You can watch them! On a projector! In your OWN HOME! <explosion>

Strapped To Cash (112 min) -- Bilchuck Stevens is having the worst day of his or her life. After waking up tied to a huge missile named Cash, he/she finds out the missile is due to be launched into the sun in just 30 minutes. Hilarity ensues when Bilchuck fails to reverse the launch and ends up in the sun all (**SPOILER**) dead. Expect Oscar noms for best missile.

Let 'Er RIP (525,600 min) -- This tragic tale of innocence lost won the Énorme Girafe Award at Cannes. Following the tragic digestion of a past-due hotdog, Charlotte must come to terms with the passing of the world and the passing of the hotdog through her body. The film takes place in real-time, chronicling the year that Charlotte grows up faster than she ever imagined she would. Tons of CGI, if you're into that stuff.

Mitchell Has A Finger (32 min) -- Don't worry about the across-the-board negative reviews this film received, they are 100% earned. This documentary about a man named Mitchell and the finger he found on the sidewalk one day will have you laughing, crying, eating, and puking all at once due to the mystery drugs we slipped into your protein shake. Also, the finger is actually Mit(**SPOILER**)chell's.

FEAR? (91 min) -- Horror has a new name and it is Sally. That is but one of the confusing things about this Rated-G "bloody thriller" about an adorable bunny who eats a pile of carrots and then sleeps. Other than the title credits which are written in dripping-gore font, this film makes Strapped To Cash look like a XXX orgy of missile related violence (which it is).

Who Does Your Hair (0.4 min) -- Ralpho's on 4th & Main.

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