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I'm a pensive guy: pens I've used, pens I've lost, and pens I've kept chickens in. Which reminds me, I'm also chickensive. Chickens I've...

My future's so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

I have manners. If the sex is good.... I say 'thank you'.... How I say 'thank you' is negotiable...

More tweets about how we don't get your "stuff." Because it's definitely not your "stuff." It's us. Obviously.

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE? Neighbour: Get out of my house! Me: You're not even guessing.

Amuse yourself and others will follow.

This car salesman just used three twitter formats in our conversation. Car. Sold.

Good deed of the day: Tap a stranger on the shoulder, and tell him what time it is.

Gotta give it to you, kid. You've got moxie. You're not afraid to show that haggard, bulbous, leathery excuse for a face in your 81 selfies.

You cant spell "neat" without "eat" and it would be neat if I had something to eat right now. This tweet took minimal effort.

ʰᵉᶫᶫᵒ

We just had a lil baby earthquake. How adorable. *dangles car keys above earthquake*

Objects in the avi are uglier than they appear. Especially when you meet them in real life.

"Its raining men!" they shouted. "Hallelujah!" they cried. Thousands were killed

I'm so alcoholic that when I stop buying a brand of beer I shut down the plant, cost 300 jobs, and condemn the town to the dark ages.

I woke up at 530 thinking I overslept. Then I remembered it's Saturday and got so excited I still can't sleep. Evidently I'm an idiot.

If we got miles for her mind trips I could have seen Australia by now.

Me: Of course I have a 401k. It's right here. Banker: Ma'am, that's a Subway card. M: I don't trust the stock market. B: Please leave.

I got stung by a wasp so I only go out with atheists now.

Death can be our greatest motivator.