Tweets

  1. 30 Oct

    (ง •̀_•́)ง

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  2. 1 Jun

    She snatches the key right off my very swole chest, snapping the chain I JUST bought. She says "you big stupid" probably to herself not me?

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  3. 31 May

    I reveal the puke key between my nips and give it the Vanna White. Her eyes widen and I say "just breathe." Women love to say/hear that.

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  4. 21 May

    Did I mention I'm sporting my Tommy Bahama Sal de Mar Camp Shirt? Color: Menthol? Four days running. Like wearing a spicy tropical breeze.

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  5. 21 May

    I gesture magically, raise an eyebrow or two (I can never tell how many), then slowly begin unbuttoning my silk shirt.

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  6. 20 May

    And I know it's probably the chemicals the government puts in our food but this country is producing some epic racks these days.

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  7. 20 May

    Basically your classic Chili's Too dinner-drinker. Stiff hair. Tight mouth. Alluring bloat. Unfocused intensity. Like looking in a mirror.

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  8. 17 May

    She sighs, releases her grip, sits down. I breathe in the deep fried air with audible ecstasy and get my first look at my assailant.

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  9. 16 May

    I say if she unstabs my neck and sits down like a classy lady then I'll reveal the mind-shattering conclusion of my trick, free of charge.

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  10. 15 May

    She says everyone had their phones out so I can probably see the shameful display for myself on YouTube, whatever that means.

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  11. 15 May

    She says: No you were here and made my old timey key disappear and then ran out, shriek-singing "Night Moves." I ask if everyone cheered y/n

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  12. 14 May

    I tell her I'm pretty sure I was at an old man bar last night, drinking to forget, Bob Seger ballad playing or maybe it just felt that way.

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  13. 9 May

    P.S. Next time we're hanging out, ask to see the floating spoon trick but only if you're ready to question every belief you ever had.

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  14. 8 May

    Also I don't remember being here last night but if I was doing magic tricks then I was definitely in Berserker Mode.

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  15. 7 May

    She claims I was here last night doing quote "gay ass" magic tricks and made her key disappear. First off: hate speech, I think.

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  16. 7 May

    I gasp and tell her I don't have her key because evidently the last thing I want to do in this life is lie for no reason? I'm so random!

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  17. 5 May

    I can't really breathe anymore. My dying brain is all: You were never my favorite. I'm like: Feeling's mutual, pal. We share a warm laugh.

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  18. 30 Apr

    She angrily tightens her grip, definitely a classic wrestling hold, maybe the Mexican Vein or some variant on the Crotchwatcher?

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  19. 28 Apr

    I decide to play dumb: um what key ... what even is a key

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  20. 27 Apr

    I say OK you convinced me, I don’t want any of that stabbed in my body, how can I make that not happen. She says GIVE ME MY GOD DAMN KEY

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