I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 28th March 2024

- 29th September 2024

AITA for losing my (27f) cool with my parents (57f,59m) for pushing me to forgive my cheating ex.

Lost my cool with my (27f) parents (57f, 59m) for pushing me to forgive my cheating ex.

I was to be married in July. Two months ago I came home from a work trip to find my ex fiance in bed with my bff's sister. I kicked him out, cancelled the wedding, warned him I would get rid of his stuff if he didn't come get it all then weeks later dumped it all on the curbside with a FREE sign, sold or donated or dumped everything he gave me, and pawned the ring. I blocked him everywhere. Called the cops on him when he showed up (after I gave his stuff away) banging on my door, called them again when he turned up at my workplace and made a scene, and called them on his family when they showed up en masse to plead his case.

I didn't go scorched earth on ex bff's sister. I did tell her husband I caught her in bed with my ex. Last I heard she'd been kicked out of the house and was back living with her parents.

Ex bff tried talking me into giving them both a chance to explain (what? No) then got angry at me for ruining her sister's relationship, called me petty and cold hearted. So I kicked her to the curb too. I don't want dishonest people that are blasé about betrayal in my life. This encounter no doubt simmered under my skin until I unleashed on my parents. Maybe that’s the reason, because it lingered, I was so harsh with them.

Last week I met my parents for dinner. I took a date with me to the restaurant hoping his being there would waylay any discussion about my failed engagement. My parents have been pressuring me to work things out with the ex. He's so, so sorry. I owe it to him to talk with him. Give him 5 minutes to explain himself. She meant nothing to him, he made a mistake. I'm cruel for shutting him out the way I have. How could I call the police on him? How could I do the same to his family? His parents? They're good people, they didn't deserve to be humiliated in that manner. He's having a rough time. He's depressed. Everybody is worried about him. He loves me, really loves me. He's learned his lesson. It's time to grow up and forgive him.

No. My date's presence didn’t stop them from bringing it all up again.

I lost my cool. Asked my father if he expected me to give my ex a pass every time he sticks his dick into anything that moves? Like he does. I asked my mother how turning a blind eye to her husband's infidelity works for her. How does she hold her head up while having lunch with women that have slept around with her husband for years? Is that the kind of men, the life she wants for me and my sister? For her daughters? I asked if they had any idea of the impact that knowledge had on me and my siblings growing up. Knowing that dad was late home from work because he was screwing his secretary. Knowing "work weekend" was code for dirty weekend with a woman not our mother. Did they not know why it was that of their four children, I am the only one that still talks to them? Do they not question why they were not invited to my brothers weddings? Why they have never met either of my brothers wives and children? Do they think my sister's silence is because she's being dramatic and throwing a tantrum? Really?

I stood from the table, congratulated them on the loss of their last, remaining child, and told them I hoped their arrogance, willful blindness, and misery was a comfort them to their last breaths. Then I left.

My date, I should've saved him for a proper date rather than a f-you to my parents, took me to the nearest bar, let me cry on his shoulder while I proceeded to get shit faced, then made sure I got home safely. The next day he messaged me to see if I was alive and sent a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a large Sprite over with DoorDash.

I didn't block my parents but I haven't heard from them. It's been a week and I've calmed down enough to feel regret. Not for what I said, but because I can see the looks on their faces when I made my final farewell. I crushed them, hurt them, especially my mother. Despite their faults, and there are many, I love my parents. I don't like knowing I hurt them. I'm feeling a lot of guilt about it.

AITA?

EDIT - I have yet to read all the comments, but from what I have seen so far, I think some details need to be cleared up.

My date knew we were going to have dinner with my parents. He asked me out that morning. I told him my plans for the evening and jokingly asked if he wanted to come along. I didn’t expect him to say yes. I then informed him I wasn't serious , and anyway, it would probably be a little uncomfortable, and he said if needed, he could post bail. So, there you go. He did not enter that restaurant unaware of potential drama.

EDIT #2 - The people mentioned in my post are not the only people in my life. I have my siblings in my life. They didn't cut me off. My sister flew in to be with me just days after I discovered the cheating. And I have good friends. Friends who helped me pack up ex's things. Helped me to move it all down to the curb. A friend that found me a guy that paid a fair price for the engagement ring. I only mentioned ex, ex bff, etc, because how they acted and what they were saying contributed to all those buried feelings that had been dormant for years coming out when they did, in the way they did.

Comments

Englishbirdy

NTA. Well maybe to the date but he seemed to take it well. Good for you for not taking back a cheater, what's wrong with all these people who think you should have?

sissysindy109

Seems like she has had too much experience with cheaters. No wonder she doesn’t tolerate that bs.

BunnySlayer64

Yes, he's a keeper!

dubious455H013

Takes her to bar, gets her home safely and then send food in the morning. 100% keeper

notsoreligiousnow

NTA. So many people say be the bigger person but that’s just straight up bs. They want you to turn a blind eye to betrayal but no. Some of us find that to be a complete deal breaker. I’m with you 100%. Cut them all out of your life bc what’s more important is YOUR mental well being and not giving closure or forgiveness towards those that hurt you. As for your parents, they made their choices and now they have to live with the consequences of their shitty actions.

Also, your date sounds like a good person. Regardless of how that turns out, he stood by you and gave you comfort food. That’s a big plus in my book.

OOP: I could maybe be the bigger person if he got me a burrito instead of the taco I wanted. Cheating on me in my apartment in my bed? Fuck off. Take your filthy ass out with the other piece of trash.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 6 months later

It's been a minute since I was here last. Life has been busy, work has been busy, and updating Reddit wasn't on my mind. Apologies to all those that continue to send messages asking for an update. I figure better late than never.

A quick recap. Lost my temper with my parents when they tried to push me to forgive and reconcile with my cheating ex. Some really hurtful and harsh truths were shared by me to them in the moment. Afterwards I felt tremendous guilt. The regret started to eat at me.

Where to start? First a thank you to all who replied to my post. I tried to read every comment, and though I didn't post for the validation most of you gave, receiving it did lighten the load a little bit. It didn’t take away from the guilt I carried, but I was able to work through that to see that although my timing was off, what I said was absolutely necessary. Thank you, too, to some of those that sent me private messages rather than posting on the main thread. Having read your own stories of a similar upbringing, conversing with you has helped me to understand that my childhood and teens were traumatic. That those years left wounds that I'd never addressed until this all came about.

One more shout out to those that sent harassing messages about my choices. Those people that preached about the sanctity of marriage, and how men are basic creatures with basic needs. Those that attempted to school me in how to be a woman that needs to leaen to do my duty by allowing a man his vices, and that it was really all my fault for not supporting my ex in his time of need. Special shout out to the men that offered to teach me how to be submissive, and learn my place in this world. And last but not least, the sweet little chicken nugget that told me my reaction was proof that I am a serial cheater and my ex should have used a cattle prod on my happy place. It must've been tough for all of you when your women left. Big props to those ladies for escaping a life of misery with you.

Now for what has happened since.

My mother left my father not long after my post. Maybe a couple of weeks after. She showed up at my apartment one night with her luggage. I can't explain how broken and pitiful she was. I brought her inside, held her, and my heart broke for her. I realized then that she had no one she could turn to, absolutely no one. No family, no friends. I cannot help but wonder if she had been all alone for all the years of her marriage, and if me or one of my siblings had said something sooner, would she have had the courage to leave my father then? I'd never seen my mother, usually so dignified and unruffled, look so broken. It shocked me to see her that way. It worried me so much that I made her sleep in my bed with me. I called my siblings and within days they all came to show support and love. Then it was me, my mother, and my sister sleeping in my bed. It was good for her to see that her children still cared. Because we did care, we did love her. It was the situation my siblings distanced themselves from.

At first my mother stayed with me. She was having a hard time of it. Years of humiliation, shame and guilt ate at her. I was worried about her state of mind and didn't like to leave her alone. I couldn't take time off work to be with her every second of the day, so I took her to the shelter and we got her a dog. My thinking was if she had something to take care of, it would distract her from dark thoughts. I was hoping for a puppy because they're playful and would keep her busy, but she fell in love with a 5 year old mixed breed, and he fell right back. He's a goof. We don't know how it happened but we woke up one night to him howling because he had somehow wedged his head in between the spindles on the stairs. His whole head. We had to call the fire department to rescue him. Of course my mother didn't think he was at fault and she now refers to him as her baby. He adores my mother though. My oldest brother moved some things around then moved her across the country to live with him and his family. He thought she would do better if there was no chance of her running into dad or one of his many women. He found her a therapist and that seems to be working. She is loving being a grandmother and all reports are that she is an indulgent one. She has a separate in-law suite so she gets to see them every day. My brother tells me when the kids go missing, they can now be found at grandma's.

My dad... is my dad. He doesn't lack for company. I had a dinner with him not long after my mother moved across the country where he introduced me to the new woman in his life. I reminded them both that I knew exactly who she was considering she called my mother her best friend for all my life. Cue another awkward dinner. My dad tried to make it as pleasant as he could but whenever she spoke to me I would bring up a memory from my childhood of her spending time with our family and ask if she was sleeping with my father all the way back then. The next day he called to tell me how disappointed he was with me. I felt it only fair to share my own disappointments. We argued for a bit. He tried to downplay all he had done over the years, tried to play the victim of his own actions. I ended up cutting the conversation short and blocking him. It was just over a month ago when he showed up at my door. I wouldn't let him in and I'm sure that rattled him some. He told me he didn't want to lose me too. Say what you want about him but he is my dad. I love him. I don't want to lose him either. He promised he wouldn't force me to interact with any of his women. So far we have had a couple of pleasant outings that have gone well so far. I am cautiously hopeful that we can continue to be in each other's lives.

As for me, well, I took that advice some of you gave me and I am in therapy. It is humbling to come to the realization that though you may think you're fine, you are, actually, not. It has been almost unbearable to face all that history, and excruciatingly painful to dig through it all. At the end of some sessions all I want to do is head to the nearest bar and drink until I forget all about what I just went through to find out where it all started, and why I am the way I am. I think therapy is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I don't know how some of you have been doing it for as long as you have. I also don't know why you do it so willingly. I'm a crazy nutter for listening to all you nutters in the first place. But it is helping.

Now, for the update most of you want. I can not even tell you how many messages I continue to receive from people wanting to know about him. It was almost like you all were saying "Girl, we don't care about whatever life crisis you're going through, just tell us about the date." Well, I haven't replied to any of those queries because my post wasn't about him. Now, i figure, in a roundabout way, I owe you something because you all played a part in where we are today. I won't give a rundown of everything that has happened between us but I will give you a few things.

He contacted me after seeing a podcast on YouTube. He sent me a link with the query "Is this you?" It would be an understatement to say I was mortified. My mortification kept me from replying to him. I was so deep in my embarrassment that I didn’t even bother to read the messages he sent me over the next couple of weeks. When I finally did read them it was to find a whole heap of screenshots of people's comments. I'm going out on a limb by saying you don't need me to tell you the contents of the comments he was sending me. I eventually got back to him. It was difficult for us to make time to see each other. As I stated earlier, my life, both personal and professional, has been busy busy. He also has a life and work. We were only able to meet up for coffee a couple of times. I didn’t think we were going to be able to grow a friendship let alone anything beyond that. I've since learned that he is tenacious and persistent. Like a dog with a bone. He kept at it until we found time to go on a second date.

That date went well and lead to another. Then another. Then he introduced me to the two most important people in his life. His grandparents. His grandfather carves little wooden figurines and I have since acquired a flock of wooden birds. His grandmother thinks I'm too skinny. She feeds me whenever I see her, and usually sends me home with food.

He gets along with my sister and brothers. He came with me to visit my mother on her birthday and met them all. He was very gracious with her.

I had him saved in my phone as Cheeseburger. He took issue with that because he bought me a double cheeseburger. So I started calling him double cheese, and then shortened that to DC. He is still saved in my phone as Cheeseburger.

He's an undercover Swiftie and I don't quite know what to do with that. I don't have anything against Taylor Swift but I sure didn't pick him to love her. He did use his little sister and niece as cover for his Taylor Swift love. Now he uses me. I am fine with being so used.

Comments

Fancy_Association484

Double cheese is the new honey

annod75

You have to marry the man that buys you double cheese burgers.

Starry-Dust4444

This is a very satisfying update. Seems everyone is making progress & moving in the right direction, except your father. It didn’t seem to bother him at all that his marriage to your mother ended. I mean they had to have been married for over 30 years. I’m so happy to hear you’re dating the cheeseburger. I hope things continue to go well with that. Was hoping to hear something about the cheating ex. Like he’s homeless & lost his job. Lol.

OOP: He's not even a blip on my radar.

PD_31

Lol, thanks for that. I'm sure I wasn't the only one reading all that and just thinking "did you see the guy again?" most of the way through

OOP: I imagined people thinking that as I was typing it out.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for implying my friends are being cheap over my wedding?

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: possible exploitation

  Sept 22, 2024

Throwaway because I know my friends use Reddit.  I (38F) am marrying my fiancée (38m) next year.  I’m the last of my friends to get married and honestly, I’d made my peace with being single and getting a dog before I met my Fiancee. 

 I am part of a group of six girlfriends who have all known each other since college.  We’ve been through everything together, breakups, holidays, weddings, babies, promotions.  When I told them I got engaged they seemed happy and sent me congratulations messages, but when everyone else got engaged they threw them parties or went out for dinner to celebrate, they didn’t in my case.

I gave them nearly a year’s notice on my bachelorette party, which I’m keeping low key as I don’t want a big thing.  We’re going for dinner and drinks at one of my favourite restaurants in our city.   However, slowly, all of my friends have been dropping out, saying they can’t get a babysitter or they have to work late or they’re on a work trip.  I’ve obviously invited them all to the wedding as well, which again is a small affair and one has already messaged the group chat saying she’s not sure she can get a babysitter for that day.  My wedding is months away and I’m finding it really hard to believe that she knows that far in advance.  Two others have also said they’re not going to stay for the reception as they ‘will be tired by then.’ 

 Here’s where I may be the asshole.  The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I sent the link to the registry.  My finance and I already have a house together, so we’re asking for mostly small things, nothing goes beyond $50 and were delighted with anything that anyone chooses to buy us.  They sent a message into the chat saying they were going to band together to get me an air fryer as a group gift.  It costs $40, so I was a bit surprised that they seem to be chipping in about $8 each.  Over the years, I must have spent thousands of dollars on their weddings, two of which were in overseas.  I have attended dinners and brunches to celebrate their job promotions and bought gifts for their babies, all the while feeling terrible about myself watching my friends celebrate the happiness I never thought I’d get.  I sent a message just asking for clarification if it was all of them buying it together and one replied asking if I was calling them cheap and then there has been dead silence since.   That really wasn’t my intention, but it really feels like because I’m last, they’re just over having to do these events and it’s really feeding into my insecurity at getting married so late.  But they do have legitimate reasons for these things, they all have lives and kids and maybe not as much money as when we were a bit younger and maybe I’m just letting my insecurities get in the way.  So, reddit, AITA?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AndriaRenee

NTA, these people aren't your friends. Find a  new friend group. Oh, and they are cheap.

somaticconviction

Yeah. These people do not like op. She is not picking up on it for some reason.

FamousOhioAppleHorn

OP seems to be what I call "the leftover friend." Basically that one awkward person that has been in your group forever, but isn't really anybody's friend. Aside from maybe the one girl who brought her into the group in the first place. Weddings, baby showers and birthdays are the perfect time for everyone else to be like "(Jerry Seinfeld with hands up) I don't wanna be around her. I'm 40 years old. Can I just not go to her party ?"

~

Thistime232

I was willing to consider for a bit that maybe having kids made things different now from when they were all getting married. But buying an air fryer as a group gift? That's cheap. NTA.

Thedonkeyforcer

The worst part is actually the cheapness. If you're asking for all this understanding and compromise from one friend when being singled out and given zero effort the LEAST thing anyone can do to make up for that is get the most awesome gift as a "sorry I didn't make the effort to come, here's something to make up for it a bit".

What they've shown now is that they don't want to make an effort on her at all and also, they don't want to spend money on her at all.

I'd send this post to the group chat and then say my goodbyes including "don't bother with the airfryer, I've had more hot air by now than I can handle in a lifetime".

NTA.

~

SnarkyGinger1

Your friends are not really friends in the definition. They are acquaintances.  This happens quite often.  People have lives and they may still remain in contact with you, but you’re not their “go to”. You’re very generous and they have benefited from that.  It reminds me of Sex and the City Season 6 Episode 9 A Woman’s Right to Shoes.

OOP Updated the next day Sept 23, 2024/same post

Update:

  Hi everyone,

I didn’t think I would have an update to give, but I wanted to repay everyone’s kindness.  Some people said some really lovely and helpful things. 

First off, I wanted to clarify a few questions that were asked.  I didn’t care at all what they bought us as a gift, I didn’t care if they got us a gift at all, it was never about the air fryer.  I really wasn’t calling them cheap, I was just clarifying if it was coming from all of them.   I also didn’t ask if they were getting us a gift, they brought this up themselves.  I couldn’t put my finger on why it made me feel a bit weird.  I think the word I was searching for was disrespect.  Someone said an $8 gift is worse than no gift and I think that’s the heart of it.  The money issue came up as well.  As far as I know, all of my friends are fairly solvent.  We all work in the finance field, mostly as accountants, three are very senior in their firms and all of their husbands have good jobs.  But we never discuss money, and I know kids and the cost of living is high at the moment, so I’d never want to assume anyone’s financial status, but everyone seems ok.

The other issue was a lot of people asked how often we see each other and the answer is quite regularly.  We made a pact years ago to meet up at least once a month no matter how crazy life gets and we’ve mostly been able to stick to that. The six of is usually meet for Sunday brunch. Apart from that, I live in the same neighbourhood as two of them, so we do dinner occasionally and parties for their kids etc are a must.  The last question was my wedding isn’t child-free and is in our city.  I love kids and my friends kids are surrogate nieces and nephews to me and they are all invited.  The friend who said she couldn’t find childcare said she didn’t want to bring her kids because she said weddings are easier without them.  Lastly, some suggested they don’t like my fiancé.  They’ve never given me that impression, everyone seems to get on well enough, they've known him for two years and he occasionally goes golfing with some of their husbands. 

Now onto the update.  Reading the comments was like having cold water thrown over me.  I’ve never considered myself the ‘outsider’ friend, but a lot of people suggested that I was and it really threw me and I got really overwhelmed.   I didn’t send any message to the groupchat, even though lots of commenters gave me really good suggestions about what to write, and I withdrew into myself until my fiancé prised it out of me what was wrong.  I showed him this post and he got super quiet and really, really angry.  I’ve never seen him this angry over anything ever.  He asked if I had spoken to them about this and I said no.  He started to call them individually and read them the riot act.  He called them $8 assholes and said he would be sending them an itemised list of the thousands of dollars I’d spent on them over the years.  He called bullshit on the one who said she couldn’t get a babysitter and she indeed said she was ‘sick of having to go to the same boring wedding over and over and yours won’t be any different’ and he lost it at her.  I hate the idea of him fighting my battles for me, so I asked him to stop after the third person.    

I sent a message into the group chat asking if we could all speak as a group and the three he called sent voice messages saying that my fiancé was a psycho and that they wouldn’t speak to me anymore.  I just felt really tired and defeated so I sent a message saying that if they didn’t want to be friends anymore that was fine and to consider their invitations withdrawn to the bachelorette and wedding.  No one has replied, so I guess we’re done.  I suppose I’m better off, but I don’t feel that way.  I just feel numb and sad. They’ve been such a big part of my life for so long and I really feel the loss and I’m so sad I won’t see their kids anymore.   Some of them refer to me as auntie and it’s making me cry that I won’t see them grow up. 

My fiancé has apologised for rushing in and for not asking me how I wanted to handle it, and I’ve accepted.  We’re good and I am looking forward to our life together.  I mostly wanted to say thank you to the kind redditors that showed me the light about this and offered congratulations on our wedding and even offered to buy us a gift(!!)  I’ve never watched Sex and the City, but I’ll watch the episode some people mentioned, it seems like I’ll relate.  I’ll delete this post soon, I just want to put this behind me now. 

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 24th June 2024

- 29th September 2024

AITAH for telling my husband that I would’ve never agreed to have his child if I knew he would go back on our agreement?

I (36F) am a neurologist and I absolutely love my patients and my job. I believe there is no greater honor in life than being able to help others. The road to my medical degree was not easy, and it was paved with many rejections. I was a troubled teen in high school and I didn’t get accepted into any colleges my senior year. I had to work my way up starting with remedial classes at my local community college. When I finally got into medical school at 26 I was absolutely thrilled.

I met my husband (37M) in my third year of medical school, we have been married for four years now. My husband works in marketing, and I make three times his salary. From the beginning of our relationship, I was very upfront that I was unsure about having biological children. My dream was always to adopt from foster care and my husband seemingly understood this.

However, after his be friend had a baby boy last year, he began to really press me on having children. I was initially very against this idea because I was just beginning my career, I wanted to wait a few more years before revisiting the topic of children. In August of last year I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant due to a condom breaking during sex.

I was initially considering an abortion, but after many heartfelt conversations with my husband, we decided to keep the baby, and he would quit his job and stay home until our daughter was old enough to start preschool.

There were several factors that went into our decision to have him stay home with our daughter:

-I make significantly more money than him, so financially it just made more sense.

-I am in the first few years of my career as an attending physician. After 4 years of med school and a 4 year residency, I am just starting to practice on my own, whereas my husband has been in his career for 15 years.

-I was very clear i had absolutely ZERO desire to stay home and be a housewife. I respect stay at home mothers but my work is my life, and I would go crazy at home all day. This just isn’t a lifestyle I want whatsoever.

-Finally, I am not comfortable putting my child in daycare until she is old enough to express herself verbally. As a victim of a molestation when I was young, I just do not trust people enough to leave my daughter in the hands of strangers when she would be unable to report abuse/neglect.

Our daughter is 9 weeks old today and I am preparing to return to my practice in a few weeks. This weekend, I left my husband alone with our daughter while I attended a medical conference out of state. The conference was amazing but when I returned home, my husband began acting weird.

Today when our daughter was napping, I pressed him to tell me what was wrong. He absolutely broke down and said he doesn’t think he can do this. He expressed how trapped, alone and overwhelmed he felt all weekend. He now wants me to extend my maternity leave and is talking about trying to get his job back. This made me freak out, and I asked “Well what will we do with our daughter now?!” He responded by suggesting I leave my practice and work from home. I said absolutely not, and he suggested daycare.

At this point I just lost my shit and screamed “If i knew you were going to back out of your promise to take care of our daughter, I would have NEVER had your child”.

I know I completely overreacted and I would never trade our daughter for anything, I love her so much. But I am so upset with my husband and I’m not sure how to move forward at this point.

Comments

No_Crab_3814

Can you get a nanny?

annoyingusername99

This would totally work my husband worked from home but we also had a nanny so he can visit our daughter a lot during the day but he was also Child free for working. I of course went to the office every day. Our Nanny was wonderful. You just have to know exactly what you're looking for and screen for that.

wallyTHEgecko

It's also worth noting that OP (at least seems) to be in a fair position to hire an above-average nanny. So rather than hiring some teenager or college student that's just trying to make an extra buck with a glorified babysitting gig on the days they're otherwise free, they could get an educated/certified professional who's own career/livelihood would be entirely on the line were something to go wrong.

And maybe financially speaking, paying for such a good nanny just so that the dad can go back to work ends up being a wash. But it'd let both of them go back to work like they want and keep their kid cared for.

SilverDryad

I was an above average nanny. This is a great solution. My charges got very little TV, lots of trips to parks, libraries, events, living history museums, we did lots of art, music, stories, and mostly someone who talked to them, answered their questions with real answers. An enriching environment is critical to intellectual growth and adults who are emotionally dependable are critical to emotional growth. Find a nanny who understands this and sings songs and brings treats.

Chocolatecandybar_

NTA but, OP, I would consider the red flags here. He wanted a child and you unexpectedly got pregnant. Now he wants to go back to work and the deal unexpectedly changed. Plus, why he felt alone and overwhelmed when he stayed home but seems no concerned for you to stay home and surely feel the same?

JustALizzyLife

Two days. He was alone for two days and had a complete breakdown. The baby is 9 weeks old. They pretty much eat, poop, and sleep at that age. My husband used to put the baby in the kangaroo carrier and play video games while the baby slept on his chest. Also, anyone else get the feeling he's done nothing over the past 9 weeks to help with the baby, which is why the one weekend was Sooooooooo overwhelming!!

Edit: Yes, I'm being very glib and making generalizations about what a 9 week old is like. I still maintain he could have figured out something for 48 hours and the whole "but my friends are having babies!" to the "condom broke" to the promises about him staying home with the baby (especially with him knowing about OPs trauma) really makes him look suspiciously like an asshole. He either bit off more than he's willing to chew or he never had any intention of living up to his side of the bargain.

Update - 3 months later

Hi everyone,

It's been a few months since I made my original post (I'm not sure how to link it, check my profile). I did NOT expect my post to get so much attention, and I was frankly overwhelmed by it. Thousands of comments, and hundreds of DMs, and I even found my post screenshotted and uploaded on Twitter.

To everyone who sent me kind and supportive DMs, thank you very much. I appreciate it more than you know. To those who sent me nasty DMs, criticizing me as a mother, you are part of the reason why 40% of female doctors go part-time or leave medicine altogether within 6 years of completing their residencies. Women can want a career and a family, like men have had for hundreds of years, this does not make us evil monsters. To those who sent me DMs seeking medical advice, I am not comfortable giving medical advice over Reddit and I sincerely hope that you find the care you need.

To those questioning why I was not on birth control, I addressed this more in a separate comment, but hormonal birth control DOES NOT WORK FOR EVERY WOMAN! Even board-certified OBGYNs will testify to this. After trying my best with every birth control under the sun for nearly 10 years, I decided condoms and pullout would be enough. Was this a stupid decision? Yes. But 40% of doctors are overweight so we aren't always the best at taking care of our own health. Regardless, I have no regrets, I love my daughter and would not change a thing.

Ok now for the actual update:

A few days after I made my original post, I realized how awful what I said to my husband was. No matter how upset I was, I never should have used our daughter as leverage in an argument. Even if I had to quit my job tomorrow and become a single mom, I would still do it for her because I love her more than anything and I would choose her every time. I still feel awful that I said this, it was truly a terrible thing to say.

Another thing I dropped the ball on was not being more patient and accepting with my husband. For some context, my mother came from out of town to stay with us for the first 8 weeks after I gave birth. My husband did contribute greatly, I'd honestly say they both did 50% of the work with the baby for the first week or so while I recovered, after that we split the work between the three of us. So, for him to go from two people supporting him to being on his own for a whole weekend in a matter of about 10 days was obviously a huge shock and I should've realized this. His complaints about feeling trapped, overwhelmed, and alone are the exact reasons why I have no desire to be a SAHM. Yes, we had a deal, but I should've given him space to express his concerns openly without me flipping shit.

I stayed at my sisters with our daughter for a few days after the fight to give my husband some space. He would come to visit her every day during this period, but we agreed not to talk yet. When I came home, I apologized to him for mishandling the situation. To my surprise, he actually apologized too. He told me that he never intended to back out of our agreement, he just became so overwhelmed that he was unsure he was capable of caring for our daughter properly. He apologized for giving up so fast and suggesting that I WFH, he told me that no matter what we decided to do, I should not leave my practice. At the end of his apologies, he said that he wanted to give being a stay-at-home dad another shot.

We then had a very long conversation about how we would handle things from there. He told me that caring for our daughter was not the overwhelming part, it was trying to keep up with the cooking and cleaning that was difficult. So, we decided to hire a maid and buy one of those meal kit delivery services. He joined one of those new-parent support groups to help reduce his isolation. Three times a week, my sister-in-law has agreed to come over to babysit for a few hours so he can go to the gym or have some me-time. I also told him that if at any point he feels like he can't be a SAHD anymore, to please tell me. I made it very clear that while I would be slightly disappointed, I would be much more disappointed knowing that he was burnt out and upset while caring for our daughter.

Since this, we've also taken steps to strengthen our marriage, going on date nights once a week. I don't yet feel comfortable leaving our daughter with anyone besides family so most of these "date nights" include long walks while pushing her in the stroller or Netflix & takeout on the couch, but hey it's been working. Addressing the whole poking holes in the condom thing. No, I do not think this happened. I honestly did not even bother asking my husband this, I felt that an accusation of this magnitude would be detrimental to our marriage, especially when it was already in such a fragile state. My husband has agreed to get a vasectomy, so we don't have any more "happy accidents". He is scheduled for later this year, and we are abstaining from PIV until then.

This whole situation has made me realize I needed to go back to therapy, and I have been seeing my therapist for about six weeks now. My CSA hadn't impacted my life for about 8 years prior to this, but having my daughter and dealing with postpartum anxiety has stirred up some really dark thoughts. I know that I am being overprotective due to my trauma, and I want to work through this so that I can be a good mother and a good partner.

A lot of people told me to leave my husband, and I'm sure a lot of people reading this may think that I'm making a mistake. I know that I am not. My husband had a weak moment and broke down, but he does not have a pattern of being unreliable, dishonest, or unsupportive. He supported me through my final two years of med school, and throughout my residency. Please try to remember that my post highlighted the worst moment in our relationship, it did not show the 8 wonderful years we have had together.

Comments

Calm_Krizzaa

Glad to hear things are looking up! Sounds like you both took some good steps to address the issues and strengthen your relationship.

vegaburger

Yes, well done OP. I am happy that you guys seem to take every step seriously and are taking care of yourselves and your daughter.

VeryMuchDutch102

NTA... Im mostly the stay at home dad... IT IS HARD lol But what really helps is that my daughter goes to daycare sometimes. That gives me opportunity to be myself and do my own stuff and the house hold stuff

RanaEire

And one thing to remember is that times flies by, really. One moment they are pre-schoolers, and then they are finishing Primary school. As they grow older and older they gain in independence and parents don't need to be on top of them as much (changing them, feeding them). Hope things continue to work out for you all,

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am STILL NOT the Original Poster. That is still . She posted in

Previous BORU . Thanks to and for letting me know about the update.

New Update marked with *****

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old per the rules of this sub.

Trigger Warnings: possible infidelity; non-consensual sharing of a sex-tape

Mood Spoiler: a hot mess

Original : July 11, 2024

Okay so boom me and my husband attended a wedding. It was his kinda cousin/ niece’s wedding I’m not sure how to describe the relationship but they were close growing up.

The wedding was a bit unique. There was a brunch before the actually ceremony with bride and groom. Then for an hour the wedding party left to get ready while all the guests were still at brunch, then the actually ceremony and the real reception was supposed to happen after.

I thought everything was normal. At the brunch the couple looked happy and excited and a little nervous maybe.

My husband had told me there had been a little drama leading up to wedding because the grooms family insisted that the grooms ex should attend wedding because they have a good relationship. The ex is an emt and she apparently saved mother in laws life once. The bride didn’t want the ex to attend but she caved in.

At the actual ceremony as you might’ve guessed from the title the bride never showed. After a few minutes of awkward silence with the music playing as we waited for the bride, the brides father came told everyone she left. Groom was crying, mother-in-law was screaming it was such a huge mess. At the reception they basically just told people to take To go boxes of food so it didn’t go to waste.

Since a lot of family was in town for the wedding, brides side of the family was hosting a reunion. At the reunion the bride said the reason she left groom at the alter was because at the brunch the ex told her that she slept with the groom and apparently showed the bride a sex tape she made with the groom. Bride was distraught and left because she didn’t wanna marry a cheater.

Grooms side of the family were slandering the bride on every social media platform possible. So the brides side decided to fire back and they were publicly accusing the groom of cheating on her and it was just a big shit storm.

Groom comes to brides house to try and clear things up.

So the groom didn’t actually cheat on the bride. The sex tape was from years and years ago, the grooms appearance just hadn’t changed that much so bride believed the ex when she said it was recent. The ex was just trying to break them up. The ex confessed to it too.

To my surprise instead of everyone being angry at the ex everyone turned on the bride. Her family was pissed at her for wasting money, being gullible, not letting the groom defend himself first. Everyone was yelling at her, I thought it was crazy so I spoke up in her defense.

I would’ve believed it too if there was video evidence + the fact that she was practically forced into the ex attending their wedding.

Now the whole family is against me and the bride and it’s so awkward and everyone acting cold. My husband is upset because she now feels like if someone accused him of cheating on me I’d just take their word for it but I feel that’s completely unfair.

Relevant Comments:

OOP replies to a YTA:

I do think it would have been better if she talked to the groom. And I understand he probably felt humiliated getting left like that but.
All of this happened so quickly I understand why the bride left his at the alter.
Right after she left the brunch to get her hair and makeup on her wedding day, her emotions and anxiety were probably already running high and the grooms ex who she did not want there walks up to her and shows her a video of her having sex with the groom while he’s somewhere else getting ready and there a venue full of people. And it’s not like she was planning on not talking to the groom. The reunion was literally the day after all of this happened in less than 24 hours.

Relationship to bride:

She’s technically his niece but because they are so close in age they just say cousin.

It being from the ex:

What happened to the bride was not just a random stranger saying he cheated on her.
His ex, who the whole family vouches for her character, showed the girl a literal sex tape of her and the groom like half an hour before the bride was supposed to walk down the isle.
If someone told me my husband cheated on me on a random day I would confront him and I’m sure the bride would have done the same in a different situation. But thirty minutes before you’re supposed to walk down the aisle with video proof? That’s a very unique situation

Mini Update (Same Post): July 12, 2024 (Next Day)

MINI UPDATE:

okay so my hubby came back to hotel room and I showed him post because he knows I like using Reddit. I mentioned I specific comment to him where one redditor asked me how are we sure the tape was old and that the groom and ex aren’t just covering their affair up by lying and saying it’s old.

I told my husband and at first he laughed but he started to think about the whole situation I guess. While hubby was still at the brides house trying to help with situation after I left (the environment was getting too much for me so I went back to hotel).

The groom had been groveling to the bride. Even tho he was exonerated by ex admitting it was fake he was still being very apologetic which threw my husband off a bit. Like even tho he maintained he didn’t cheat. Instead of husband being angry about being left at the altar and publicly humiliated he seemed to just want wife to forgive him.

I thought this would be normal because groom probably feels horrible about allowing the ex to ruin the day and hurt the wife like that but my husband said it was unusual behavior for the groom.

Apparently the groom is the highhorse type and he would “never apologize for a mistake that wasn’t his”. Husband knows the groom better than me so my husband thinks it’s plausible that the groom did cheat by the way he’s acting but he’s not gonna bring it up because of how high tensions are and it might just make things worse.

I also explained how and why I felt like my husband was being unfair to me by saying he thinks I’d believe anyone who accused him of cheating on me. He apologized and told me he was just stressed out earlier and he feels like we wasted money in this trip and went seen our kid for days over this wedding that got blown up over a lie.

Bride texted me thanking me for defending her.

Most of the slandering social media posts were taken down.

The ex posted on social media playing victim. Well not really but she’s posting like heartbreak stuff and those fucking depressed Bart simpson memes, at her big age…

The grooms mother pulled up the brides house after I left and was threatening to “burn the place down” because she was mad the bride humiliated her son over a lie because it was such a huge wedding he had many coworkers and stuff there.

I feel like I’m missing something but I’m tired and it’s been a long ass day.

EDIT + question:

A few people are saying I should show this post to the bride but I’m a bit scared she won’t react well to me putting her business online because I don’t know her that well, but at the same time I feel like she might appreciate that most people are on her side? But also I don’t really want her to see my “conspiracy theory” about how the husband actually cheated on her because there’s no actual proof. Should I?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Coming in after the mini update... groom's behaviour is sus. Does the sex tape show any defining features that the groom does have now, but didn't have during the time bride and groom were together?

Say, a tattoo he's gotten a year into bride & groom's relationship. Or a scar from not knowing how to handle power tools correctly. Something that's distinctive and can help date the video?

OOP: No one’s really seen tape except bride I think and it was only for a short period of time.

Update : July 14, 2024 (2 days later, 3 from Original Post)

Okay so I decided to send this to bride, I also told my mother in law who I’m super close with what was going on. I’ll start with bride first.

So as I predicted she was a little mad I put her buisness online.

I called her and we made small talk for a couple on minutes avoiding the elephant but then I told her I posted about this on Reddit. I sent her the link while we were in call. She didn’t yell or anything but she told me I shouldn’t have done that. I assured her I didn’t use any names or defining descriptions and she hung up the phone. A few minutes later she called me back and told me she scrolled through the comments and stuff and it made her feel a bit better. Then she apologized for “snapping” at me but I don’t feel like she did.

She told me that she felt like a lot of the comments were “blowing things out of proportion” when it comes to how you guys speak of the mother in law and groom.

She said MIL isn’t evil like the post made her out to be, she also said she understands why MIL insisted on ex being bc at wedding and that when MIL threatened to burn down the house she wasn’t being serious and it was taken out of context.

When I asked stuff like are you still gonna get married to groom she just kept saying idk and she sounded sad so I dropped it.

She also told me she doesn’t think groom cheated on her and that my husband just has a bad perception of groom because he has a “hard shell to crack.”

After we hung up me and my husband called his mother to update her on what’s happening because she couldn’t make it to the wedding.

My husbands mother told us that the ex never really saved MILs life, basically all she did was inject her with an epi pen for a mild allergy. My Mil feels like saying “she saved her life” was just for dramatics to guilt the bride into letting ex attend wedding.

My MIL also feels like the brides MIL had nothing to do with the ex sabotaging the wedding. She said that the brides mil isn’t an idiot and even if she did love the ex that much she would never purposely ruin her son’s wedding cuz she’s one of those boy moms.

*****New Update : September 23, 2024 (2+ months later)*****

People wanted to know if they are still together sooo here I am.

In the weeks following they made up somewhat and agreed to do couples counseling to rebuild trust.

They decided to remain engaged until they felt they fully trusted each other again which happened way too quick in my opinion cuz like 3 weeks after they started counseling they announced another wedding ceremony.

I was not invited to this one!

then this new wedding got called off.

Ex moved states away like a month ago. Groom removed the ex on all his social medias as far as I could tell. The bride removed all the pictures she has with the groom off social media after the wedding was called off but the groom still has photos and videos of the bride in his.

My husband said the bride wanted to break up but the groom is holding on TIGHT and completely lovebombing her like handwritten letters in the mail, roses at her work place, (straight out of a movie)

The bride won’t tell anyone why the wedding was called off the 2nd time. She’s kinda distancing herself from everyone which I understand but kinda hurt cuz me and her started texting and being friendly after the first fiasco but she’s having a rough time so I’m not too upset over it.

My mother-in-law told me that she heard the bride is pregnant but honestly I don’t think that’s true because me and the bride were friendly and she told me before she started pulling away that her and the groom were abstaining from sex until their relationship was mended

Editor's Note: Reddit keeps deleting some of the comments I've added... if you're seeing a blank space let me know because they showed up for me and then disappeared... should be fixed now

is an image based subreddit specifically for either products, websites, or apps that are designed in such a way that you can really feel the fuck you energy intentionally put into it.

In the subreddit’s ‘About’ section, you can find a to help users check whether their post would best fit in , , or . This is important later.

The Post

OOP titles their post, and includes an image they took of showing that when opened, the 6 bars of soap are neatly fitted to fill half of the packaging, which makes the product bottom heavy when upright on the store shelf.

The packaging states each bar has a net weight of 5 oz. (141g), for a total weight of 30 oz. (or 846g).

The Comments

Are there 6 bars in there? [downvoted]

OOP: 6 bars that are smaller than I expected. It's a new dove variety that's meant to compete with the fancy soap bars that are usually a bigger size. I thought it'd be bigger...

All the dove bars have gotten smaller. I remember picking up one from the local dollar store, it had Russian writing on it, so I could tell it was some sort of old stock, and it was about double the size of the new dove bars.

Dollar stores always have smaller size. Are the ones standard stores carry also smaller? [downvoted]

Yes. I was saying I bought old stock from the dollar store and then compared it to the bars sold in multipacks currently and they've gotten way smaller.

Rule 6 Common topics.

If the net weight matches there is no asshole design

OOP: That's rule 4, and the details of rule 4 are really stupid. Wraps in particular are banned... like what?

What happen to the nonfunctional slackfill sub? I went to post there first, but it's been banned.

It WAS rule 4. It IS rule 6 now [downvoted]

OOP: huh? old.reddit.com forever!

It's old, obsolete and inaccurate. As such shouldn't be used anymore. It's OLD for a reason [more downvotes]

"new" reddit is devoid of any theming aside from a very limited single color palette, and hijacks context menus. I'll stick to old reddit till the day it dies.

Return it and make them take an L

OOP: It was actually less than half the normal price for a prouct I wanted to try. I'm not actually a bad shopper, I just wanted to highlight the asshole design...

Less than half the normal price and takes up half the box sounds like you came out ahead tf lmao

Fun fact, all products tell you on the front what the package contains! [downvoted]

That’s not anywhere near the point lmao - no shit packaging says exactly what’s in it

OOP: I was hoping for a Nintendo Switch inside and frankly I'm going to send them an angry letter until I get one.

Then we get to a user who

Expecting products to completely fill their packaging is a near-guarantee of perennial disappointment.

Expecting this sub not to bootlick when the product barely fills half its packaging is also a guarantee of dissapointment it seems.

This is intentionally deceptive, its stupid, and its the point of this sub.

I don’t think you even know what you’re saying. Boot licking is about gaining favor. Who is gaining favor with Dove the soap company by posting on Reddit? You’re being sensationalist and ridiculous. People disagreeing with a post or with you doesn’t make them a “boot licker.”

how's that rubber taste?

Ya the bootlicking in this sub is shocking "you got the amount of bars you paid for it's not asshole design leave the billion dollar company alone"

The pinned post of this sub defines what qualifies as assholedesign. Nothing about this box of soap picture leads to: “the company benefits at my expense.” [downvoted]

yes it does actually its a design choice meant to mislead the consumer into thinking theres more in the box and buy it rather than a different brand which falls under the asshole design part of the flow chart

Some singular takes:

That also looks like ice cream bars at first glance

Did you not feel the weight when you picked this up?

Posting this shit for karma when you knew exactly what you were getting.

can't we just create a new sub for the packaging people and have some actual interesting assholedesign in here again?

It seems silly but if you got the amount you paid for then it’s wasteful packaging not assholedesign

lol buying 6 bars of soap and getting 6 bars of soap is somehow assholedesign

5oz soap is larger than most bars I have in my bathroom storage which are 4oz or less. Soap bars are usually sized to fit in a person’s hand so we can use them effectively.

6 bars of soap fitting this entire box would be too thick to easily hold or they would be significantly longer than a person’s hand

Yeah because everybody knows exactly how big everything is at X amount of ounces/lbs/measurement of weight- density be damned

Literally (in the true meaning of the word) didn’t say any of that. The box says six bars of soap. If they got 6 bars of soap then they got the product they purchased. It really isn’t as convoluted or difficult as you’re implying with your comment.

Read the pinned post. This Dove packaging isn’t assholedesign.

Of course, "a bar of soap" is such a precise and standardised quantity that I hear NASA uses it in its calculations!

The real is suggesting plants have udders

wht?

Literally no one suggested that, languages evolve, words develop new meanings. Try to evolve with it.

I think they were getting at "plant milk"

The person above you obviously did as well

Reminder not to comment in the OOP’s thread

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

WIBTAH for breaking up with my new gf because she was fwb with the guy my ex cheated on me with?

Trigger Warnings: stalking, harassment, infidelity

: August 19, 2024

My ex cheated on me with this guy, I'm gonna call him Mike.

It was a whole ass affair between the two of them as it went on for months. Eventually, I caught them in our apartment.

My gf confessed to everything. So I broke up with her. FYI, Mike was fully aware my gf was with me, so it's not like he's innocent in all this

This was like two years ago.

I met my new gf, let's call her Kelly.

Kelly has been great, and we have been together for about 6 months. Now, Kelly took me to a company party her work hosted. And she introduced me to her co workers. And one of them was Mike. It was awkward, I think for both of us, but neither of us said anything.

When we get back to her place I asked her about her history with Mike. She was weirded out, but she did confess that her and Mike were fwb for a while.

Btw, she did know about how my last relationship ended, but I never told her who the guy was.

I told her that Mike was the dude that my ex gf slept with, and my gf was shocked. She told me that her and Mike are nothing now and that she would never do that to me.

Idk, I want to trust my new gf, but the fact that she already slept with him several times AND they work together...

I just don't know.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs with few mixed reactions

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You can break up with her, but she hasn’t done anything wrong. You’ll just have to be at peace knowing that. NAH except Mike and your ex.

OOP: I just don't know if I can "be at peace"

OOP on what happened to his ex

OOP: Don't really know, I kicked her out of my place. She tried to contact me, but I blocked her on everything that I could.

And honestly, I don't care.

Commenter 1: I don't think that, given the situation, you would be the asshole for not wanting to be with this girl. I mean, if I were in your shoes I don't think I could do it either.

What matters is that you realize your current gf has no blame in this. It's just an unfortunate circumstance.

: August 22, 2024

I had a deep talk with my gf. I laid it all out. How I trusted my ex, how I never thought she would do something like that. And how my entire heart shattered when caught them fucking. How hard I held back tears as my ex tried to make excuses. How much issues that caused me.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but Mike isn't "just a guy I don't like" and he's not "just some guy from Kelly's past"

He's a huge part of one of the worst moments in my life.

And now I have to accept that my current gf slept with him and sees him everyday?

Anyways, Kelly was very understanding, and said she's willing to do anything to make me more comfortable.

I asked why they stopped being fwb, and she said she wanted a real relationship, and they stopped well before we met. And that she hasn't thought about him that way anymore, especially after she met me. She also said she had no idea Mike was that kind of guy, and she said she'd never would have done anything if she knew.

I decided to give this a chance. I hope to god this ain't a mistake.

Kelly has been amazing to me, and yeah, logically, I don't have a reason not to trust her.

But a lot of the feelings of betrayal, anger, and self loathing all came back when I heard the Kelly slept with Mike.

After our talk, we made a small joke, she said "Guess, you won't come to any other company parties huh?"

I told her I wasn't gonna let Mike keep me from living and having fun with her at those parties, I did ask her if she would support me if something ever came up with Mike though.

She said "I'll tell everyone what a small dick he has if he starts shit with you"

We hugged it out. Idk, I hope things turn out OK. Maybe I'm being naive, but I don't want to let my past keep me from enjoying my present.

: September 23, 2024

We are still together, I've had knots in my stomach every now and then, but some good and bad things happened.

The bad thing is that Mike texted my gf, and did harass her a few times. He was talking shit about me, and tried to start things up again between them.

The good thing is that Mike got fired because of this.

While I feel horrible that my gf went through this harassment, there's a certain peace of mind that I have knowing she doesn't work with him anymore.

She's already blocked him on all socials, and she did collect evidence of Mike harassing her. He was stupid enough to try something at work where a couple other co workers saw and overheard.

Thankfully, my gf is perfect fine and safe. Mike did get into her personal space, which did piss me off, but my gf handled it.

So yeah... while I still trusted my gf regardless of what Mike tried, I still felt like a weight got off me.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That's so awesome he got fired! That's the best thing that could have happened! I'm sorry your gf had to put up with some shit but it's so great she is trustworthy and got him in trouble instead of just ignoring it. That should give you some great relief. Mike is an asshole, I can't believe he tried to start something with her and did something so unhinged that he got himself fired. What a dumbass.

OOP: From what my gf told me, this wasn't the first time he got reprimanded for this kind of stuff. I guess this was just the final straw.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in .

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: weird and sad?

Original : September 22, 2024

I (52 m) and my wife (47 f) already have three kids (13m, 13f and 20 f) but a few months back we felt like we could use a breath of fresh air so we signed up to take a foreign exchange student for a year.

We got a 16 year old Swedish girl that I will call Sara and that has worked very good, she’s very open and honest and loves to share how things are in Sweden how different things are here in the US. It was her birthday just a few days ago so we gathered around the laptop while she was face-timing her family and they started singing in Swedish but the song was particularly longer and more repetitive so after the call I asked her about it and she explained that some families in Sweden sing a song where they talk about shooting, hanging and drowning the birthday person after they turn a 100

My wife overheard this and started to get annoyed because in her words “it was inappropriate and extremely disrespectful to her household” when she sang that without her knowing. My wife isn’t naturally sensitive to bad language or words but when she was born she had a 60 year old dad that died when he was 96 so she is more conscious about how elderly people can feel just before they are about to die and she felt like the song was making fun of people when they are old and sick.

Me and the twins were embarrassed while standing there so I asked her to calm down and that it’s just a Swedish joke song that isn’t even meant in that way but she just started ranting about it was her house to and she shouldn’t be afflicted to such derogatory language behind her back. Sarah obviously felt bad tried to apologize and that she didn’t mean to be disrespectful in that way and that it was just her family singing the song but my wife just stormed out and yelled how she couldn’t believe we had taken in a girl from such a cruel family.

I tried to talk to her in our room right after I assured Sara that she didn’t do anything wrong and to just pay no mind. My wife was apparently more upset at me for not supporting and agreeing with her and started to cry about how I knew what she had gone through concerning her father but didn’t back her up. The house has been extremely tense especially when all of us are in the same room but I really don’t understand how a Swedish song could make her so upset. But im wondering if I should have taken my wife’s side and been more sympathetic. AITA???

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Your wife is still upset that a 97 year old died? I mean, it was her father but come on.

The poor Swedish kid didn't do it behind your wife's back anyway. Was your wife jealous that the girl was getting attention on her birthday? Because this certainly got the attention back on wife.

OOP: Yes I don’t believe Sara did anything wrong as well and I’m also a bit mad at my wife but it was more of how her father was suffering and that he himself said that he didn’t want to keep living. I think then that when my wife heard the meaning of the song she interpreted it differently and it triggered an emotion for her

Commenter: “Growing up she had a 60 year old dad that died when he was 96…” What the fuck am I reading?

OOP: *her dad was 60 when she was born

Commenter: Sorry, I totally got distracted when you said her dad was 60 years old when she was born! How old was her mom?

OOP: I think her mom was around 28 or somthing , Yeah big age gap

Commenter (downvoted): Is it possible that she could feel threatened of this girl in the house? Does she feel like you’re attracted to her?

OOP: Shes sixteen and living under my house so no …. I don’t think my wife feels threatened
(to another deleted commenter): just because she’s a young Swedish girl doesn’t mean I would “fawn” over her and endanger her, don’t make assumptions like that

Top Comment on Post:

Ok_Narwhal_9200: NTA Here's the joke

First verse: May she live for 100 years - of course she'll live for 100 years!

Second verse: "When she has lived for 100 years - then she will be pushed (the swedish word for push is the same as 'shoot') .... ON A WHEELBARROW!

Third verse: When she has been pushed (shot) on a wheelbarrow - then she will be hung... UPON A HORSE!

Fourth verse: WHen she's been hung upon a horse - she will be drowned (same as the word for drenched)....IN A LAKE OF CHAMPAGNE.

It is incredibly harmless and only becomes morbid once the person reaches their eighties, when the first verse becomes, in effect if not in fact, "May she live for another 20 years at least.."

OOP is voted NTA

Update (Same Post): September 23, 2024 (Next Day)

UPDATE:

I have read all of the comments , I was even up late at night to read them all and I’m very thankful that so many people gave there input on my situation , I first talked to my wife this morning and showed her SOME of the comments after last night . At first she was pissed I wrote out our personal information but I explained that I didn’t write anything that could trace back to us and she calmed down. I first want to mention that no my wife is not jealous of Sara in that way and I’m not attracted to Sara since some comments said that. And also my wife is not pychotic or narcissistic. I agree it was horrible way to treat a guest and we have already talked to our organization and they are currently looking for a new host family for Sarah.

My wife is still upset but is starting to feel incredibly guilty and has apologized but I understand that no amount of sorry will make Sarah feel safe again. Tensions are still high but I showed Sarah some of the comments and she finds it hilarious and comforting and I again assured Sarah that she didn’t do anything wrong and dark children’s songs are in every culture and doesent harm anyone. And to answer some other questions no my wife doesent usually do this and she was starting to panic when I talked to her about what she actually said and how Sarah probably feel being trapped in our house in a foreign country. I also showed her the true meaning of the song by one of the comments which caused her to almost have a panic attack that I needed to guide her through.

We will investigate this further since I know some of you had theories about how it could be menopaus so we will look into that. Again thank you for for the advice on how to face this but I want to mention that a lot of people assumed a lot of horrible things about my wife and I wanted to clear that up

PS I have already watched midsummer with my buddies and yes I enjoyed it very much

OOP's only comment post update:

Commenter: (downvoted) So you showed Sarah the comments, she found it “hilarious,” and now you and she have a little in joke at your wife’s expense.

Sure, your wife had an inappropriate reaction to the song. But you’ve talked it out and she apologized. You’re working on finding a better situation for Sarah. Why go behind your wife’s back?

Maybe you really are attracted to her.

OOP: No i showed her the comments talking about Swedish culture and the ones that were nice to her , I didn’t talk badly to her behind my wife I only explained that she didn’t do anything wrong. Disgusting assumption

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

My mom thinks a court will give her my house.

Thanks to & & for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: alcoholism, emotional abuse and manipulation, possible financial fraud, entitlement

: September 12, 2024

I bought a small, starter home during the housing market crash (completely by myself). I lived there for the better part of a decade before buying a larger home with my now husband. My parents really wanted to live there bc it was small and easy to maintain. They have foreclosured in the past so no way would they be capable of someone giving them a mortgage.

Also, my dad is retired and my mom doesn't work. They wanted to rent from me. For a "discounted" rent they paid off the mortgage (let's say 50k) with an over 6 figure inheritance my parents got. A lease was written explaining that it was a prepayment of rent and their rent would be only the taxes and insurance and they would pay $350/month. Basically only going up when taxes/insurance going up. We signed the lease (with all the other typical stuff in it) and had it notarized and that's how it's been for awhile now.

So to be clear, I'm not making a fucking dime on this house. I recently told them the rent would go up, by $3 (yes, THREE fucking dollars) bc of a slight increase in the insurance. My mother lost. Her. Shit. Claiming I'm a money hungry bitch, she was going to rip out everything she did (garden and other cosmetic changes), that I owe her and I can't evict her bc it's her house. She's not responsible for the insurance (lease says otherwise), insurance hasn't been raised in a decade (look at fucking lumber prices), I'm trying to make her pay my personal home owners insurance. A court will show me that and GIVE her my house.

We have a notorized lease. They are listed as tenants. I am the only one on the deed. My father demanded the bills (zero balls this man has) to see if I'm ripping them off. P.S. This house is a commutable distance from fucking Manhatten so a studio appt around here is like $1500. This is a house with a large yard for their dog. I can easily get 2k for this house, even before they moved in. I sent them copies of the taxes and insurance showing only their address. P.S. I'm charging them discounted taxes (you get a discount for paying in full 90 days early). I told them to add and divide by 12 and told my mother to talk to a lawyer so they can slap them straight. I guess my father agreed with me bc now she's divorcing my father.

Update: First, I want to thank everyone. I was mainly just venting bc I was very upset after the exchange and have been dealing with some health issues (which my parents know about) so it's just a range of emotions right now.

I keep getting a lot of the same questions. They have lived there for four years now. My mom has always been entitled and an alcoholic (weekends and summers were spent with family. My aunt admitted when I was an adult it was to keep us from being around the alcohol). I mainly did this for my father so he can get a chance to retire after having heart surgery when he worked a physically demanding job for 36 years. They asked to rent the house and pay it off as a prepayment of mortgage so the only big bill monthly was their health insurance.

I had a few others interested in renting my house, I did not ask them for this. They did not co-sign on the mortgage or help with the down payment. Their name is not on my house/deed. There have been rent increases in the past due to the taxes and insurance going up and there was never an issue before. My husband's dad unfortunately passed away without getting to enjoy his retirement (a big reason why my husband told my dad he needs to retire and enjoy life a little) and his inheritance helped pay the down payment on our new house.

My mom has a history of putting shit on me and $3 is I guess my line in the sand. I started paying $200/week after I graduated HS until I moved out at 20 (I worked about 65hrs/week on top of school to do this). And yes, shockingly/s they foreclosed when I moved out). I stupidly put her on my phone plan and basically paid her phone for 2 years until the contract ended bc she only paid me for 3 months out of those two years. She promised money for my wedding and never delivered. They didn't pay for college, they stopped paying for clothes/school expenses when I was 16 bc I had a job. I know this is all a red flag parade but I trusted my dad more than her I guess and thought I was doing a good thing. I also want to keep this house bc I love it and want to move back one day (it's just too small for us as a young family) or allow my child to live there when they go to college (and want to have fun without parents hanging around or racking up dorm costs).

Also, she threatens divorce all the time. I doubt she'll actually go through with it.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if her mother is divorcing her father for over $3

OOP: Who knows, she called told me she was divorcing him, wanted all her money back and to never speak to her again. Of course she has threatened divorce before. Idk where she would live bc she can't afford anywhere and it ain't with me.

Commenter 1: Kick them out then. Send them the eviction notice and let her try her shit in court.

OOP: I told my father I would and my mom is dead set on a judge giving her the house and top of me being money hungry and they'll all see it. My husband said to print out rental listings in the area and slam it on the table and tell them to decide, $353 or $2000. Choice is yours. I also tried to explain the clauses I can use to get her out. She thinks I can never make her leave. I don't know what kool-aid she drank.

OOP on her mother’s background and if she is going no or low contact with her for her family’s safety

OOP: My mom won't be welcome with her attitude. I hope her sister is willing to take her in, but she gets even nastier when she drinks and no one can tolerate it anymore.

Late 50's and no, she's always been very entitled (hence the previous foreclosure) bc she wants what she deserves and not what she can afford. Made for a lot moving around and lack of utilities as a kid.

Commenter 2: I’m confused. They paid off your mortgage to the tune of $50k - how does that figure into things? If it was prepayment of rent how was that calculated?

OOP: So to sum it up they were to pay $1350/month. But they paid for 50 months at 1k and cut an additional $350. So if they moved before 50 months (they've been there 4 years) I would give them back $1000 for every month they didn't get to live there. After 50 months that they still only pay $350 and not $1350 but would get nothing back if they moved out bc the full 50k was utilized. That's how it's outlined. So basically there's very little of that 50k left they haven't used. Not sure if that explains it right.

OOP on who is really on the deed and if she added her parents’ names to it

OOP: No. They are just tenants.

I own the house, the deed was recorded in my name years before they lived in it. Where I live the deed is put into your name the day of closing. I would never sign it over bc I honestly love the house and plan to move in when I'm old, empty nester. It's just too small for us right now with a growing family.

: September 23, 2024

I finally have an update for you guys, so all aboard the disappointment express.

To backup, after the divorce comment they are not, in fact, getting a divorce. They went and celebrated their anniversary at a casino. I did not speak to them for a week. This past weekend I tried to speak to my father and get an apology, hoping he would be in a better frame of mind. He wasn't. He doubled-down with the b.s. saying they didn't realize all the stuff I put in the lease, that my house was uninhabitable when they moved in (it wasn't), that they never would have put work into the house if they were just renters, etc. I asked them to specify and they said stuff about the garage screen door, the shed roof (my husband replaced 2/3 of it with my dad's help, dad did the other 1/3, and by God, the hose! The hose leaked!). That in no way affects the livability of the house, but in the words of my lawyer "And?". You agreed to live there in its original condition buddy, so that's on you, just like not reading the lease. My dad went on to just say all these things they were doing for me and not acknowledging a damn thing I was doing for them.

At that point I said some not nice things (including the alcohol induced dementia everyone mentioned). They wanted to know if they were still gonna be able to take my son to the fair, not a fat chance in hell. I told him I didn't want either one of them around me or my family until they stop being delusional and to decide to pay the increase or gtfo. I then cried when I got off the phone and my husband was upset with all of this.

Cut to today. My mother called me asking what needed to be done to resolve this bc not being able to see my son was upsetting to them. I told them they needed to apologize for what they called me and that they were out of line.

Well, you guys, they were scammed. My parents were fucking scammed. That's what this was all about. In my area homeowners get daily calls/texts and letters from people wanting the buy their house. It's not new in this market. I have even told them these letters are trash. Well, my parents were getting calls from people saying they were going to be renting the house. They acted like they were representing me. Someone also showed up to their house and was being very pushy about trying to see my mom in the house.

This all happened before I mentioned the rent increase. So when my mom heard rent increase she thought these phone calls and this person was real? Like, I was going to raise the rent to something they couldn't afford and force them out (this was before I told them it was $3, but even after they thought I was throwing them out). I asked them why they didn't ask me and they said they were scared and had no place to go.

I explained to them that's not even how it works. I can't rent a place with tenants, there's a whole legal process and they should know this. They apologized for how they acted, everything they said and were embarrassed. They were even more embarrassed that they believed this person and are officially old people that fell for a scammer bc they thought they were smarter than that. They hadn't given them money or information yet. I told them they were probably setting them up for it (scammers will pretend to be renting a house and take people's first/last/security and when the new tenants show up the house is already occupied and they're screwed out of the money or pretend they need money to let them keep living in the house).

I have no idea why they believe/fell for this person or why they never asked me in the first place since I don't and wouldn't hire a representative for my one house. Their cameras were off when they came but they're going to file a police report anyway. I told them to call the cops next time to file for harassment/trespassing if these people call or show up again. I got my apology from both parents. I explained everything in the lease and why it was legally written that way. I explained to them I can't throw them out on the street on a whim and as long as they pay the minimum bills to live there (taxes/insurance) I was going to keep my end of the deal. So I guess that's my update. They're not getting evicted for now, but I might have to start monitoring them more closely to see if they fall for other dumb shit.

PSA: A lot of us seem to have Boomer parents, so I wanted to make you all aware of something. My parents have Medicaid (edit), which in the great ol' U S of A means that if they have a large medical expense, they ain't paying for shit until all their personal assets are utilized. This means draining bank accounts, taking property and even requesting back gifts from up to 5 years ago. So for example, your mom falls and breaks a hip and winds up in a rehab, your mom gave you 20k for a new roof a few years ago, the government will demand that money before they pay for the rehab. They can take their savings and demand property in their name sold to pay for it. They legally cannot touch their car, but that's it. I know this from personal experience with a grandparent and all of you should too to help protect your parents.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Uh-huh. And do they have proof of this “scam”? Frankly, it sounds like rather than admit they acted like childish brats and apologize, they came up with this incredibly far-fetched story to make you forgive them more easily. Which, by all means, if you want to go along with it, that’s totally your call. They are your parents and maybe it’s easier to just let them have this one.

OOP needs to get a will done for the house to pass it down to her future children

OOP: I have a husband and will have a will so that wouldn't be an issue

OOP on if her parents believe everything including the scams

OOP: It doesn't make any sense. I think my mom believed this person, went hysterical, went off on me when she heard increase, riled my father up and then I think they realized it was a scam but were trying to get out of apologizing and admitting they're idiots. When I cut them off is when they admitted everything and were crying. Idk why they couldn't ask me first? I've told them multiples times these letters and calls are trash. Honestly, my mother is also partially deaf and refuses to admit it, hears shit she wants and fills in the rest of the convo. It's the most infuriating thing to deal with.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I just found out either my brother or I are an affair child.

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: accusation of infidelity, emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, sexual manipulation, coercion

  Sept 23, 2024

I got a dna test done years ago. My brother recently got one done from the same manufacturer. We only share 25% dna. We also have different ethnicity percentages, which just solidified this to me. No, our tests didn’t get mixed up, because the ethnicity from our mothers side is the same, it’s just the fathers side. Either him or I are an affair baby, and we don’t know who. Our father (the one who raised both of us) is dead. We both grieved his loss. Knowing one of us still has a father is insane. He said he wants to confront our mother, but I honestly don’t. The man who raised me IS my father, when I’m his or not. I’m just so upset that this is how we had to find out, and our mother willing both let us do DNA test knowing the results would be different. I’m just so confused and hurt.

ETA: as I said in the comments, my brother plans on confronting my mother tonight. I’m staying neutral, because at the end of the day, I honestly could care less who my father was. My mother was my everything. My father wasn’t the best, and if I’m an AC, idek if my bio father would even want to know me now that I’m an adult. I kind of do want to know at the end of the day, but it doesn’t really change who I am. My brother is handling the news differently, and that’s cool. I think it’s because he also didn’t have a great relationship with our father, and maybe deep down he hopes that’s why? Idk. But yeah. I’ll update is anything shocking happens tonight, if not, it’s just eh.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP when told maybe it's best not seek a possible biodad

Even if my possible bio dad is a halfway decent guy, it’s just be so awkward. Like I said, I’ve already been raised and grieved the death of my father, biology or not. Even if I’m an AC, my father is dead. At the most, I feel I’d be able to have a friendship or camaraderie with any other person that would be a parent. It’s took late in life for him to be a parental figure to me.

If I had a different father, and he wanted to be part of my life, I would never shut him out. But I’m not going to be optimistic. I’m not going to jump to the convoy that it’s some man who would want to be my father and is ready to make up for lost time, because there’s a big chance it’s not even the case.

I’m just being realistic. And the realism is that 1.) I may not even be the afrair. It could be my brother, and it wouldn’t involve me at all. 2.) it’s some one night stand my mother had when desperate and alone, and she barely even knew the guy, let alone know how to contact him. 3.) it’s someone we may know, he knows about my and when/how I was conceived, and just doesn’t want to be involved.

Either way, it’s not that big of deal to me. Any outcome will not change my life views or who I was raised to be.

OOP on her dad

My dad was actually a pretty good parent to me, even after the divorce. I was a total daddy’s girl as a child, and as a teenager, he was the fun “Disney dad”. I wanted for nothing, he cooked me great meals, took me to the beach to find beach glass. Took me to do whatever I wanted. Like I said previously, I didn’t learn until I was an adult about what a scumbag he was. He wasn’t paying child support the entire time, went to jail once because of that, and was in extreme debt. So much that he just left with essentials one day and never came back. He was scamming his friends, his boss and coworkers, and had a serious gambling addiction. My mother obviously shielded me from most of this because I was a child, but she told me everything she knew once I found out myself, because at the end of the day, he was still being a good father to me.

My brother on the other hand, he’s the one who suffered most. My brother is neurodivergent, and was abused by my dad as well. My brother was also used as a pawn in my parents divorce. My father let him live with him, not go to school, and do whatever he wanted. My brother barely graduated HS and is working shitty jobs to support his family because he didn’t learn any skills to assist him in getting a job. My father also kicked him out the second he wasn’t of use anymore to him, so he has abandonment issues on top of everything else.

I don’t think the differential treatment was biology-related, but more of the fact that my father didn’t want any more children. My brother being alive obviously made him very upset, but by the time I was born, he obviously accepted that he’s a father again, and he couldn’t do anything about it.

When told to take a new test

It’s already pretty tough to deny since our maternal dna is exactly the same, just not our paternal. I also don’t want to waste more money on this than I want to. At the end of the day, I still love my mother and would never hold anything against her. I’m not even the one who plans on confronting her, my brother is.

&

But like I said… idc? My dad is dead. My mom was my main parent. I’m not going to spend possibly hundreds of dollars for something I don’t want to dig on.

Maybe you guys have disposable income like that. But I’m a new homeowner in my early twenties. I can’t afford to drop 100 dollars or more on stuff like this.

  Sept 23, 2024 (9 hours later)

Welp, the dinner is over.

My brother texted me a couple hours ago, only saying “it’s not what I expected”. And he’s honestly right. I’ll put a tldr at the bottom if you don’t wanna hear the full story. This is also all second hand info, so bear with me.

So, my brother invited my mom over for dinner. They ate their dinner, and then my SIL took my oldest niblings to the neighbor for a “play date”. In all seriousness, it was just so my brother could talk to my mother alone. My brother presented my mom with the pictures of our dna test. She, according to him, was extremely shocked and distressed, not the behavior of someone who actively cheated, as he said.

Long story short, my brother is the “affair baby”. I put it in quotes because it was consensual with my father. When my mother was in her early thirties (when my brother was conceived), my father was a traveling salesman. My father has always been an amazing salesman, and he was part of an elite group at this company, and they would go on retreats and whatnot to reward the hardest working guys. According to my mom, these recruits were basically swinger events. If you don’t know what swinging is, feel free to look it up yourself. My father basically forced my mother to partake in these events, but she ended up enjoying herself since my father was such a selfish lover. All the men either wore condoms or had vasectomies, but you can lie about both of those at the end of the day. She honestly didn’t know that my brother wasn’t biologically my father’s. And unfortunately, She has no idea who his bio father could be, because by her own admission, she said there were “dozens”, and they weren’t exactly close with these people. She obviously stopped doing it when she found out she was pregnant, and my father nor his douche friends were attracted to my mothers “mom body”, so there’s no way I was conceived by another.

I’m both happy and sad at the same time. Deep down, I kinda wish I was the affair baby. Because my brother is struggling a lot more with this than I am, and he’s struggling twice as much because he will never know who his real father is. Like I said, I’m probably going to respectfully bow out here, but if he reaches out for support or help, I’m not going to decline. I’m just giving him space to digest everything.

I know, weird ending. But idk, I don’t feel all that different, maybe it’s because I’m not the one in his situation, but I feel very unchanged. Probably because, like I said, my father is dead. Biological or not. I’ve grieved and moved on, and even if I found out he wasn’t my father, I still wouldn’t have a father.

I don’t see myself updating any further, we found out what we found out, and like I predicted, this doesn’t change how I feel about my mother or my father. My brother has a lot to think about, and at the end of the day, this isn’t my circus to share anymore, it’s his. Thank you for the suggestions and comments, I appreciate them all.

TL/DR: my brother is the “affair child”. My mother and father were swingers when my brother was conceived, and she has no idea who the bio father could be. Dead end? Maybe.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SlumSlug

That’s either an incredibly well thought out lie or an uncomfortable truth. Sooooo… well done?

OOP

Like I said in my previous post, my mother isn’t a liar. I’ve never caught her in a lie in my entire life. She’s the most honest person I know. I think this was 100% truthful. I have no reason to think otherwise. Also, forcing my mom into swinging because he wanted to have sex with other women is extremely believable, not gonna lie.

Rush_Is_Right

"She’s the most honest person I know"

She was having sex with "dozens" of men when your brother was conceived and she's "shocked" your dad isn't the father, but in your previous post you said you were told that you were both failed vasectomy babies.  So in your own mother's story of how you were both conceived she would know that it could have been any of the dozens of other men that could have claimed to have vasectomies.

OOP

I think it’s just her honesty bone kicking in, ya know? Since she’s a very honest person, she expects that honesty in return. I gladly give it to her, but I know the majority of people will not, including men who just want to have quick sex. I think she was genuinely shocked, and just being woefully ignorant about the whole situation. And ofc I believe her when she says that I was not an affair child, what would she gain from telling my brother he was an affair, but I’m not? It literally wouldn’t make sense.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AIO? I think my friend has eyes for my wife.

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Harassment

  Sept 1, 2024

I have a wife thar I've been with for over 10 years and married for 3. We have a 10 month old son now. I recently met a guy who turned out to have a lot of common interests with me. Both into finance, fitness and stuff. We started hanging out more and more and work out together weekly in my home gym garage. Obviously we are spending time together and we shoot the shit often. His situation is that he's single, a father of a 7 year old girl and his ex is a super bitch to him. She publicly talks down to him the few times we all went out to dinner together. He still has to see her because they are co-parenting but he's been trying to date for the past year.

Anyway, we got on the topic of what he's looking for in a girl because he keeps on going on dates and they all suck according to him and none of the girls are his type. So I ask what his type is and he starts describing the traits of my wife. Could be a coincidence. Wheneve we go to dinner he'll be telling a story or whatever and show a picture on his phone but only to my wife, I have to ask him to see what the picture is before he puts it away. Not that I care that much but feels sus. Whatever. We've been hanging out more and having game night at my place with him and a few other friends. Whenever he's in the presence of my wife he takes my son and puts him on his shoulders and plays with him in front of her. Makes weird comments (at least I think so) in front of my wife like, "I love being a father and providing for a family." "I wish I had a wife that was as good as raising kids as you" "Let me know if I can help you in any way with your son". Always directed to my wife and never me. Ok, whatever.

The thing is, these comments have been setting off eye raises for me so when I was working out with him the other day I said, do you think my wife is attractive? He said, oh hell yea dude. Your wife is hot. I said thanks but it raised my antenna even more. Now the reason I'm writing this is because his most recent comment to ME was "do you think your wife can find a girl for me at her workout class that looks like her?"

This coupled with what happened the other day at dinner. We were going to dinner with him and his family that were in town. It was at a big shopping center so we were waiting at a starbucks for them to arrive at the restaurant. He comes to the starbucks where we are while his family is at the restaurant, he waves and says we are ready. I start packing my sons bag while my wife handles the stroller. This dude grabs my son and puts him on his shoulders and starts walking out. My wife is walking out and I'm grabbing the bag. Now I'm literally watching this guy walk next to my wife holding my child while shes pushing the stroller and I'm trailing them. I felt I was watching a couple and their child and I was seething and feeling displaced.

AIO? Because I'm cutting this asshole off. Not letting him anywhere near my wife and kid again. If we happen to see him in a social setting of 6 or less, we are leaving.

Edit: Asked my wife if he ever texted her or contacted her in any way on SM or TXT. She said no. I told her just now I feel he's peacocking and she said she doesn't get that vibe at all from him.

Edit Edit: A female friend came over tonight who mutually knows this guy. She agreed that it's strange and thinks he is crushing on my wife, intentionally or not and told my wife to her face that. I told my wife that if another female can see it, it's obvious. My wife now says she feels embarrassed that she doesn't see it and says it'll be awkward now because she doesn't want to think of him looking at her that way. Both her and the friend think it's best if we only see him in social settings with large groups and not at our house again.

Lesson: Seems the general consensus is to trust my gut if I feel something is off and it does. Going to talk to the wife and then tell this dude straight and then ghost him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

EnvironmentalChard31

After reading all the comments you have gotten, what does your wife say about the whole thing now and what are your plans for the near future!!!?

OOP

I'm dialing back the contact. Talked to her about it and she is reluctant but supportive. She still thinks it's just his attempt at convincing her to set him up with a friend by trying to constantly remind her of his good traits. Either way, I told her my thoughts on it.

~

CollectorCCG

The second he expressed interest in another man’s infant child is the minute you should’ve told him to get the fuck out of your house and never spoken to him again. If you wanted to be extra spicy and a bit risky a punch in the face could’ve even came with it.

To answer thread, no, this is the silliest thread I’ve read in a long time and I have no idea why you even entertain this shit with a guy you barely know.

OOP

I should have actually said we've known him for 2 years which is "recent" to me since most of my other friends are 10+ years. The only reason I haven't is because we typically let our friends (like at game night) hold our son. He's the only one that makes me feel weird with how he does it. Women I understand, men... it's sketch for me.

OOP on why his ex left him

He claimed she lost interest in him and he's been chasing her ever since but she doesn't want him or treat him nice and is a bitch to him and won't let him see their daughter without her present.

  Sept 23, 2024

Here's the update. After all the advice (thank you all) I decided to go the slow cutoff method rather than being direct. Mainly because my thinking is that if you tell someone that you're wise to their BS that they may just try to be more covert, cover their tracks and be sneakier with their behavior or try to buy sympathy with mutual friends.

There was a party we were invited to at his house (before all this unfolded) and I told my wife we aren't going. This caused a bit of tension within our house because it got pretty heated because, while she thinks he's doing it subconsciously, she has zero interest in him so it doesn't bother and she said she didn't even notice until I brought it to her attention. Needless to say, the fact that it caused an argument and drama for me was more than enough grounds for me to never have this dude around my wife and kid ever again.

Anyway, because he was already introduced to all of my friends in my friend group, he invited all of them to this party. We didn't go and a few friends asked if we were going, I explained the situation and a few of them agreed that they saw what I saw. They said they were not going to the party. One couple did decide to go because they and him became close over the fact that they both really are into sports. The girl texted my wife and told her that they were the only couple that showed up (so really my friends are the only ones he invited) but she also said he had a girl there with him. They said the girl barely spoke English but he said they were dating but she was acting very odd.

Now this is the part where I'm not sure if he was made aware of my discontent with him because I had already started cutting him off. (Not answering calls. Not initiating any texts. Being very curt with my responses. "Cool bro". Etc.) After this party he randomly texts me photos of him with this girl professing how hot she is and what a great catch she is and how they are dating. One phrase he used which further raised my suspicions was "It'll be good to go on a double date so you can see I have a girl". I'm thinking to myself, why would he care about that and what an odd thing to say. I asked how they met and he said Tinder. I asked to see the convo... he deleted the convo. He sent her instagram photos and she has 37K followers and half her photos are of her in Dubai, London, etc and doing lude photo shoots. Considering he is a strip club kindof guy, this makes me think he may be paying for this "companionship" just to get his foot back in the door, but I could be wrong.

So all is right. I'm plenty busy with work and Wife and I are fine. Son is happy as can be and I'm going to make sure I keep the grass cut so I can see the snakes before they get to my door. Thanks everyone for the reassurances!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Jsmith2127

Either your wife, or one of your friends told him why you are distancing yourself, so he got someone to pretend to be his gf, to try to prove to you that he is okay to be around your wife.

OOP

Probably one of our friends. I have access to her stuff. Wasn't her.

& to another commenter

It was most likely the friends that went to the party and not her. Irregardless, his feeble attempts to get me to engage are no working. He will never be around my wife and child again.

~

N0b0dy-Imp0rtant

The last post she said it made her feel different about him that he thought of her this way and now on this post she is upset because you weren’t going to his party.

It sounds like your wife likes the attention and was only upset because you and others noticed when she thought it was fairly discrete.

You might keep a closer eye on your wife and comms with him after her reaction, it’s a bit off if she was uneasy about his actions after they were pointed out.  The two don’t add up at all.

OOP

She said it made her uneasy because of it but she wanted to go to the party because all of our friends were going so she thought it wouldn't be a big deal if we were all there together as opposed to when he would just be with us alone. Either way, we got into a fight about it because I said hard pass. Made up for it though by going out and doing something else social that day.

When told he's throwing away a friendship

Friends are easy to come by. Marriage is not. Nor is having a fantastic mother to my child. I'll gladly ditch any "friend" who I even think would endanger that. I also have plenty of other friends who I would have zero second thoughts about if they spent the weekend alone at my house. This dude has just been setting off all types of alarms in my gut.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. This has not been posted here before.

Trigger Warnings: homophobia; internalized homophobia

Mood Spoiler: just kind of sad

Original : September 19, 2024

Hello reddit. I (33M) recently attended my younger brother's (31) wedding, and I'm struggling with something that happened there. I'm aware that reaching out to the internet for advice isn't always the best decision, but I realized this issue involves a lot of personal bias and feelings within my family, which is why I could use some outside perspective.

A little backstory: My brother and I didn’t have the best relationship growing up. I wasn’t a good older brother to him or our other siblings, and part of that was because I was an immature, insecure kid who targeted my brother specifically a lot. In fact, I was downright awful to him at times. We come from a conservative family, and while that’s not an excuse, it was part of why I behaved the way I did. This didn't change until we were both adults, but I’ve since grown up, realized how wrong I was and solved out some internalized problems. I have apologized to him several times over the past few years. He’s been polite, but things have been distant. I only see him on special occasions like family birthdays and holidays, but even those are rare.

A few months ago, I got an invitation to his wedding, which surprised me. I hadn’t spoken to him about it, but after talking with my sister, I decided to go. It felt rude not to. At the wedding, I mostly spent time catching up with family, and after a while, I went to say hi to my brother when I saw him at the gift table.

That’s when things took a turn. Before I could even get a word out, he already looked uncomfortable. We exchanged the usual pleasantries, but there was this underlying tension I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then, out of nowhere, he told me he hadn’t wanted me there at all. He said that while his husband had insisted on inviting me, he himself wasn’t ready to have me at such an important event in his life and that I should've known that. I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say and was embarrassed. The conversation ended awkwardly. Feeling embarrassed and unwelcome, I left the wedding early and spent the rest of the day overthinking everything.

It’s been a few days, and I haven’t contacted my brother since. My other family members are split, with some saying maybe I should’ve known better. I’m unsure if I should reach out to him or just give him space. It’s not that I don’t understand why he feels the way he does, but at some point, I feel like his resentment is making things worse. It’s putting our family in this awkward position where people start taking sides, and it feels like I’m constantly being judged for something I’ve already apologized for multiple times. I don’t want our family to keep seeing me as the person I used to be, because that’s not who I am anymore.

So, AITA for attending his wedding when I was invited, but apparently not welcome?

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: INFO: Did you RSVP, so that he knew you had indicated you were going to attend? Also, was the targeting of your brother based on his being gay and/or bisexual?

OOP: (downvoted) I actually didn't directly RSVP. The invitation I received was specifically for family and only covered the ceremony and reception. It didn’t specify if it required an RSVP, so I assumed the ceremony was all-inclusive. I talked it over with my sister and eventually decided to attend since we both thought it would be rude not to. I assumed the invite was genuine, but looking back, maybe I should’ve reached out to my brother directly to confirm and clear any confusion.
And to answer your second question: Yes, his sexual orientation definitely played part in the past, but it was not the only focus. I didn't want to emphasize that too much in my post because my actions were wrong regardless of him being gay.

Commenter (downvoted): I see it from a different perspective, as I have gone through the same. I was not the best older sister. I held a lot of baggage when I was younger that stemmed from a lot of family drama (I was 13 when it started). Long story short, I was very mean to my younger sister, but after becoming an adult, changing how I looked at the world and as OP said, became an adult. I apologized for the things I did. My family may never forget, but for those that didn't, they just don't invite me to things. My sister however, even though we aren't close, let's the past be exactly that, the past. It's time for OP's brother to let the past stay in the past, be civil for the family or just don't go. Inviting someone when you don't want them to go is putting others in a situation that can result in even more damage to the relationship.

OOP: (downvoted) I appreciate you saying that. I understand that healing takes time and I've always tried to respect that. Though it can be frustrating to feel like I’m still being judged for my past actions when I’ve worked hard to change, especially when I'm reminded of it as if I'm still like that. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Commenter: I don't think you're the asshole for attending, but I do think generally YTA. You bullied your brother, possibly crossing the line into abuse, at an incredibly formative time in his life. I hope you've sincerely changed, but it's understandably hard for him to move on from that and trust you. He could've made better choices regarding this specific event, including denying you an invitation or separately communicating that he'd rather you declined.

But don't trust the "technically correct, the best kind of correct" type of NTA answers you'll get on here. In this particular instance, YTA for the past, not this specific incident. Sorry. I hope you and your brother can eventually both heal from what you did to him when you were young.

OOP: Thank you for your honesty. I fully acknowledge that my past behavior was hurtful and that I crossed serious boundaries. I understand how difficult it must be for my brother to trust me after everything. While I didn’t intend to intrude on his special day, I’m willing to accept that my past actions make me an asshole in this situation. Thanks again for sharing your perspective.

Commenter: NTA and YTA. You were invited. You didn't know you weren't welcome. You did the right thing by leaving. You think he needs to suck it up and get over it? You admitted you were horrible to him. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you have been happy to see you?

OOP: (downvoted) Damn, that’s harsh, but you make a valid point. I can see how my actions might have come off as inconsiderate, especially given my past. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but I appreciate you calling me out on it. Though I have to say I never expected him to forget about it. I'm not trying to pretend it didn't happen, and I'm willing to face the consequences. Thank you for your perspective.

Commenter: YTA just because you apologized it doesn’t take the long term abuse away. You admit you were horrible and you think a few apologies will fix it?! You’re wrong. You are being judged because of your actions. These are the consequences for your bad behavior. If you say you’re a better person prove it. You don’t prove it by saying he is creating issues with his resentment. Wrong thing to say and think. This is your mess. Don’t you dare put any of this on him. Give him space. Don’t try to convince others you’re better. Show them. Give him time. You owe more than a few apologies

OOP: (downvoted) I completely hold myself accountable for my past actions, and I understand that apologies alone don’t erase the hurt I caused. My intention in discussing my brother's resentment was to express how complicated things are, but I realize I need to focus on my own role in this situation. This post is mainly about the wedding incident, and I’ll take your advice to give him space and time to process everything. I still have a lot to prove, thank you for the reminder.

Commenter: "at some point, I feel like his resentment is making it worse"

Absofuckinlutely does not square with "I completely hold myself accountable for my past actions" [...]

OOP: (downvoted) You’re right that my statements may seem contradictory, and I recognize that I need to clarify my thoughts. I fully accept that I was a bully to my brother, and I don’t want to downplay the impact of my past actions. When I mentioned feeling like his resentment is making things worse, I didn’t mean to imply that he’s in the wrong for how he feels. I just hoped to express my concern about the strain it puts on our family dynamics. Yes, my family has moved on and accepted him for who he is much sooner than I did, and I'm glad he felt comfortable inviting them. However, my upbringing by our parents shaped my homophobic views and made me struggle with my own sexuality. I'm not trying to make my brother seem like the bad guy, but rather, our parents. I recognize that my brother harbors the most anger toward me because I was the biggest bully during his childhood. However, it’s painful to see the rest of our family rally around him without acknowledging the impact our upbringing had on both of us. I’ve become the primary target of his resentment, and while I understand it’s easier to direct that anger at one person, it feels like I’m carrying the weight of our family’s past actions, and not just my own.

Commenter: This sounds like you’re trying to wash your hands of blame by saying it’s your family’s fault that you bullied him, and think you shouldn’t be held responsible. Your actions are your own fault, not your theirs. Did any of them bully him for his sexuality?

There are plenty of people that are raised in very outwardly bigoted families and even as young teens do not have the same beliefs or do not bully or abuse people due to sexuality/race/religion/gender.

You say you struggled with your own sexuality; are you also LGBTQIA+?

OOP: I definitely think I should be held responsible. It's difficult to express the complex dynamics within my family in a short reddit post/comment, which is why it may sound like I'm trying to shift the blame: I'm not. My actions were mine alone, but they weren't the only ones. I can’t say for sure if any of my siblings bullied my brother for his (perceived) sexuality, but there was a lot of subtle prejudice within the family that we all carried.
I'm currently still trying to accept and understand my own identity. I’m not ready to label myself, but I can say I am attracted to men. I didn’t include this in my original post because it's something I struggle with to this day. But I recognize that my own internal conflict contributed to the way I treated my brother and it's making it more difficult for me to understand how he feels comfortable around our family, excluding only me.

Commenter: Were you bullied for being gay?

Abandoning your responsibility is a bad look.

OOP: (downvoted) While I can't tell if that's a rhetorical question or not, I will address it.
No, I was not bullied for 'being gay', but I was scared of the possibility which is why I became the bully. It was a misguided attempt to cope, and I deeply regret the pain I caused him. I’m working on facing those issues now, but it’s challenging when I see how much my past has impacted only our relationship. Now, I see him staying close to our family while keeping distance from me, and it feels like a double-edged sword. He finds support and acceptance with them, which I’m glad for, but it also highlights my role as a source of hurt in his childhood. He can navigate a relationship with them, who were part of our shared struggles, yet can’t reconcile that with me; the one who could have been his ally but instead contributed to his pain. I'm not saying that he's responsible for that at all (I am), but that it's a painful fact I'm trying to accept.

OOP is voted NTA, but comments are HEAVILY mixed

Mini Update in : September 20, 2024 (Next Day)

Since reddit isn't allowing me to post an update yet, I'll provide some more info in this comment. I spoke to my sister, who had a lot more insight into how the wedding was organized. I admit that I’m not very familiar with weddings or the etiquette around them, and she helped me understand a few things that I didn’t fully grasp at the time.

Regarding the RSVP confusion: The invitation I got was addressed to me by name, but it was more of a general family invite, without a clear RSVP request. Coming from a Spanish background, RSVPing for family events isn’t always strictly followed, especially for ‘close’ family members. I didn’t think twice and assumed I was welcome unless I heard otherwise.

I later found out that there was an MC handling RSVPs, and my sister asked on my behalf if I could attend, since I decided to go somewhat last-minute. This was still possible, since it was a big venue and they purposefully had more seats prepared than necessary. From what I understand now, it’s possible that the couple wasn’t fully aware of who was attending by the time the wedding came around, especially if the RSVPs were being managed externally.
Since the invite only included ceremony and reception, there were no main meals for me to attend, which could explain why RSVP was less necessary.

I'm not trying to defend myself here, just clarifying some things. I realize it was a bad move not to communicate my attendance sooner.

OOP Clarifies some more:

Commenter: INFO:

Other than a basic “I’m sorry” what have you done to improve things with your brother?

Do you reach out to him to see how he is or what he’s been up to?

Have you expressed any interest in actually having a relationship with him and his husband? It sounds as though he is basically NC with you.

Have you had an in depth conversation with him about what you can do to make it up to him or how you can show that you’ve apparently changed?

What have you actually done to change?

What do you do/say that would show not only your brother, but other members of your family, that you have actually changed?

Do you actually want a relationship with your brother or do you just not want to be thought less of because of your actions and you want people to forget?

Are your changes just not actively bullying him but still having the same mindset and doing/saying the same things to others that you’ve done to him in the past?

OOP: You raise some valid points, and I appreciate your directness.
In past situations where I apologized to my brother in person, he often made it clear that he wasn't willing to hear me out completely. He’s said it’s ''fine'' and that he doesn’t need more than my amends. This led me to keep my distance, though we’ve never completely cut off contact. I assumed he didn’t desire a personal relationship but was okay with me being present at family events.
I haven't reached out to him through text, calls, or letters in recent years, and neither has he. I only try to connect face-to-face when possible. I want to believe I genuinely want a relationship with him because I care, but I recognize that it might also stem from my own desire to make things right. I'm okay with not having a ''brotherly'' bond, but I'd like to be on good terms so we can converse without the constant reminder of our shared history.
I can confidently say that my mindset and behavior have changed. I haven't just apologized to my brother; I've reached out to other family members and people I've hurt as well. I'm actively trying to be a better person, even though it's a struggle. I realize that change takes time, especially if you're still in the same environment, which may be why my family doesn't see the changes as clearly as my new circle does.
Thank you for holding me accountable and prompting this reflection.

OOP further clarifies:

I wish I could say I’ve demonstrated my growth to him (or my family) directly, but the truth is I haven’t made much of an effort to show him any change, mainly because I'm not quite sure how. I’ve changed my mindset and behavior over the years, working on becoming a better person, but I’ve mostly done that in isolation and in a new environment. I haven’t actively tried to reconnect with him, so he has no reason to believe I’m different now other than stories from family members like my sister (who's been part of my personal journey). It was a mistake on my part to assume I could show up and have things magically be okay without having done the real work to fix our relationship beforehand.

Update : September 23, 2024 (4 days from OG post)

Hello again, Reddit. It's been four days since I posted about my brother's wedding that I was 'invited' to but not welcome at. I didn't expect to receive this many comments on my post. Even though I received the 'NTA judgement', I do believe many of you said I was the a-hole overall, and I'm willing to accept that. I didn’t intend to withhold important information to tilt the verdict in my favor, in fact, I appreciate so many people holding me accountable for my irresponsible behavior.

For those who have not read my first post, here's the link: 

I did not reach out to my brother after the post. While I was considering sending a letter at some point or maybe indirectly sending a message through someone he trusts more than me, it was not necessary because as it turns out: my brother isn't as passive anymore as I thought he was.

Last night, I received an email from him (and his husband), apologizing for the incident at the wedding and explaining why it happened. Their MC (who is also a good friend of theirs) had not communicated my last-minute decision to attend their wedding, which is why my presence caught my brother off guard. He admitted to not being ready to see me, even though my intentions weren't bad. Thankfully, the incident was something he was able to forget during the day, and only been nagging on him a few days after, which is why he sent the email.

I responded with a brief apology on my part and I said I would keep my distance from now on. I added that if he ever feels the need to talk to me, he can reach out to me whenever, but that I will not force a relationship between us anymore.

I want to thank everyone for their honest judgement, advice and questions. This has been a hard but necessary wake-up call. While I’m still processing a lot of it, I’ve realized that the work on myself is far from over. My priority now is to keep focusing on personal growth and to respect my brother's boundaries. Whether we reconnect or not is up to him, and I have to be okay with that. Thanks again to everyone for helping me see things more clearly. Take care.

Edit: Just to clarify the things I left out in the original post: I didn't RSVP in time, but my sister made sure I was still able to attend, but it still caused confusion and stress at the wedding. Yes, I was homophobic to my brother in the past, and I deeply regret the pain I caused him. And yes, I’m still struggling with my own sexuality, which is something I didn’t want to openly discuss in the first post.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Content Warning - child sexual abuse

1 update - Medium

- 25th September 2024

- 28th September 2024

WIBTAH if I called CPS on my wife’s sister for her child?

I’m keeping this anonymous for obvious reasons. TW for talks of possible child abuse.

My wife and I are both late twenties, married for 5 years. We are happily married and no children yet due to some fertility issues we are dealing with.

My wife’s sister is 20 years old and has a 3 year old daughter with her on again off again bf. The guy seems like a POS but what do I know. My wife really loves her sister and the kid, who we babysit probably 1-3 days a week every week.

My wife was very happy to babysit because she loves kid. I was happy to do what made her happy. This has been going on for about 6 months. In this time I’ve become very concerned.

The three year old, while a very sweet kid, displays some concerning behavior. First of all she is obsessively clingy towards my wife and very fearful towards me. The kid will literally be on my wife’s hip for 4-6 hours a day and cry when she is let down. She avoids eye contact with me or essentially any male stranger.

She also wets the bed every night and sometimes 2 or 3 times. Sometimes she will lay in it all night and sometimes she will wake my wife up. She also has nightmares and will often come to sleep with my wife but be timid when she sees I am also there. Most of the time she ends up sleeping by my wife’s feet.

She has issues about using the restroom too, even though she is potty trained. She will wait hours and hours before going and this results in a lot of infections that she is very often treated for. She also is picky surrounding food and what she will eat and often says her “throat hurts”. This is even with foods she previously liked and has eaten before.

She also is destructive to her toys. She will draw all over the faces of her dolls and cut their hair off. When my wife asks her why she just cries. She only has one single stuffed cat that she keeps safe, the other toys are destroyed.

The worst and most telling part to me is when her mother comes to pick her up (wife’s sister), she will screech and cry and kick and hit and shriek and fight them. They chalk it up to just her love towards my wife and reluctance to leave but it seems more than that to me. I almost never see her dad but I know in the last year he has moved back in with them.

I do not know what is going on for sure. I am sure you see what I am thinking.

When I suggested it to my wife she was extremely upset and offended that I would accuse her sister of that, or concealing that. She refused to even consider it but I could tell she was thinking about it. I am not accusing her sister of perpetuating it or concealing it, but rather she might not even know.

Anyways it is clear that my wife isn’t going to do anything about it though. And I truly don’t know what to do, other than call CPS and explain the situation. WIBTAH if I did?

Comments

Helena_Clare

OP if you are reading this, stop, pick up the phone and call CPS now.

I can see why it’s hard for your wife and even harder for your SIL to see what’s right in front of them. Denial is a powerful force.

You could be wrong and it could be something else. But if that’s so, your niece will be evaluated, and that makes it more likely that she will get the care she needs.

You seem like the kind of person who would have trouble living with yourself if you were right and did nothing.

OOP: I’m on hold with them now. To be honest all I needed was one person to tell me to call. I know my wife is going to be shocked and likely angry but it is what is is.

waterytart142

Have a talk with your wife where you make it clear that you are NOT accusing her sister of any kind of abuse or neglect. But that child HAS to be protected and evaluated. There’s no alternative. She can’t speak for herself, she needs someone to step up for her. If your wife is anywhere near as loving and protective as you’ve described her, she will get past her initial shock/anger quickly and understand that this is in that little girl’s best interest. Thank you for being an advocate for her!

RedIntentions

Honestly, she should be accused. Saying she didn't know with all those indications is neglect at best and at worst...

Drunkendonkeytail

Do you know what actually makes a lifelong difference for a molested child? Whether or not someone intervenes and stops the abuse. That becomes the difference between never fully trusting anyone, always having trouble with emotional attachment, and knowing that while there are bad people, there are also good ones. This is something that isn’t brought up enough. So please, save the child, save the adult.

Pippet_4

Former special Ed teacher here: this absolutely screams that something is very very wrong here. Please call immediately. This is NOT normal. There are MANY glaring red flags.

OOP: Just putting this on the top comment. I called. They’re sending a wellness check.

**Judgement - Call CPS ASAP**

Update - 3 days later

I posted my original post a few days ago and a few people asked for an update out of concern for the kid. I called CPS shortly after posting that. They sent a well check over pretty quickly after what I described. A social worker was involved. She apparently was really good, knew the right questions to ask, and the kid admitted to her what had been happening. Unfortunately, I was correct, and she told the social worker it was her dad. Her mother knew. Her mother allowed it.

They were arrested. The kid was taken in for a while but now she is with us. My wife is completely upset and distraught that her sister was allowing that to happen to her own child, and that the kid has been suffering for at least 6 months. My wife is not mad that I called, she is grateful. She admitted to being blind to the situation and she is very upset with herself because of it. My wife can be a bit naive sometimes, she assumed the best in her sister, she is not a bad person.

As for the kid, she is safe with us and doing okay. She always told my wife she wanted to live here so she is happy for now. Just in the past few days she has gotten a bit warmed up to me. I am hoping she is going to be okay. She asked me to hold that stuffed cat yesterday, so that's something, I think. We are working with a lot of professionals for her. Thanks for the response the first time around. Although I am sure we all hoped for an update that I was wrong, at least she is safe now.

Comments

makabakacos

I just wanna say to you OP, that she asked YOU hold her cat. Her precious, untouched, one and only stuffed cat. You have changed this little girls life in the best way possible. And I think she knows that and is letting you know she’s knows somehow you and your wife saved her. You are heroes.

MarkAndReprisal

The cat is probably an even bigger deal than you realize. Kids often use stuffed animals as self-surrogates to test their trust in an adult. She's watching to see how you treat her offering of trust. It is absolutely essential to treat that stuffy as precious. Ignoring it or treating it as unimportant could be an insurmountable betrayal of trust in her eyes. When she offers it to you, don't set it down, don't put it aside until she wants it back, unless you properly make it comfortable and safe. Tuck it under a blanket in a safe place and keep an eye on it, that aort of thing.

Elegant_Jean

You did the right thing by calling CPS. It's heartbreaking the child had to endure that, but you likely saved her from further harm. You and your wife are providing a safe haven for her now, and that's commendable.

lovrbelow34

uncle of the fucking year. I wish your niece and you and your wife healing and peace. I'm glad she's safe

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: &

Me [25F] with my partner [27M] who just disclosed genital herpes. + 6 year update

: August 24, 2018

Hey everyone on this subreddit. I lurked a little bit and this may sound super corny but I just want to say you guys are all amazing and I think it's so beautiful that there is this community of support.

I posted this in first as I wasn't aware of this subreddit until now, but hoping to get some insight and perhaps some advice from you all.

We're very happy and have been dating for a few months now and have not had sex (I usually wait a few months just because that's my personal preference) and this week, he disclosed that he has herpes. He does take antiviral medication daily. Never had to have this talk with anyone before, I'd love to know if any of you guys have ever been in this situation and how you handled it?

I know I definitely want to be with this person long term but have avoided STD's and STI's all my life. I get tested regularly and have had very few sexual partners. It does not change the way I feel about my partner but it does kind of feel like this is me shooting myself in the foot.

To be clear, this is not something I want to break up over. However...I do want to know if I am just setting myself up to inevitably get it eventually because I've learned that even with precautions (ex: using condoms, avoiding sex during outbreaks), transmission is still very possible. Does anyone have any personal experience with this? Has anyone had a partner who has it but never got it themselves even after regular sex?

I will be doing a lot of reading up on this myself and meeting with a doctor but any insight or resources would be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: I received a lot of responses on this post as well:

Just in case it helps anyone else out there that's looking for answers or personal experiences. I will continue reading and responding to all of the help I've gotten on this post too, thank you all so much.

Relevant Comments

OOP on knowing if her partner is taking proper medications as needed

OOP: He is taking daily antiviral medication. I will definitely be going to the doctor as well but you know, doctors have to give the "there's always a chance" line which is the honest truth, but I would feel better hearing real life situations from people who have had to deal with it first hand.

Overall, I would say if youre really about this dude, and want the relationship, you should absolutely do so. This shouldnt stop you, but definitely make sure he gets the medication to reduce outbreak and takes it.

Thank you for this and that's how I feel. I hope if anyone else comes across this that they try to have this type of attitude and open mind especially if it's for a partner that is great in every other way.

Commenter 1: Actually herpes is typically transmitted when there is no outbreak due to asymptomatic viral shedding, when the virus sheds from healthy looking skin without symptoms to the host. Up to 70% of herpes transmission occurs when there is no visible outbreak.

OOP: Thank you for sharing this info, I will be sure to check for more details on this with the doctor. I thought it'd be helpful to see if anyone had any first hand experience with this type of situation just so I could hear some personal stories as opposed to just hearing from doctors who may not have had to deal with it on a personal level aside from treating patients. Appreciate you!

: September 23, 2024 (6 years later)

Original post:

Hi everyone, thought I'd pop in here to give a happy update since my last post 6 years ago. I don't even have access to my original account anymore because that's when reddit didn't require you to enter an email to sign up.

Since my original post, I decided to give it a shot (after much internal debate and struggle, if we're honest). Eventually, he proposed and we have since purchased our first home together, gotten married, traveled the world, and have built a beautiful life together. I am so happy that I decided to continue with our relationship. My SO has been the most amazing person and we both continue to be excited about everything we have yet to accomplish together.

We continued to take precautions with him taking his antivirals daily, using condoms, and going to pee and rinsing off our genital areas in the shower immediately after each time we have sex. We are still discordant (one person positive, one is negative); as of my last test a few months ago, I am still testing negative and feeling fine.

I don't know exactly why I am sharing this update but I'll always remember how kind and supportive people were when I initially posted here when I was asking for some insight.

I guess at the time of learning I found myself in shock and was really anxious about how to proceed. I wanted to hear from real life couples that had perhaps experienced something similar and come out of it strong and in love. I actually spent about 30 minutes looking for that original post that I made. Finding it and re-reading it made me feel a bit emotional and nostalgic about the hope and uncertainty I had back then, knowing that we made it through and have become life partners. So, I guess I'm sharing this to let you know that if you are going through something similar, there is hope. And for anyone that may be going through the dilemma, it's a very personal choice but all I can say is, don't let this define a person you love.

Best of luck to you all, wherever you are. You are a strong, resilient human that deserves to be loved.

TL;DR - 6 years ago, partner disclosed HSV2 and I was undecided on whether or not I wanted to proceed after being STD free all my life. We chose to continue and have since lived happily ever after together

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That’s wild to be married and still practicing safe sex. But I’m rlly happy you guys are happy!

OOP: I thought so too but this is purely because we want to have kids and it will reduce risks for the baby during pregnancy and delivery. After that, we'll be less stringent about it.

OOP clarifies details on what HSV2 is based on comments showing confusions

OOP: Sorry that it came across as extreme to you. I mentioned another comment that we want to have kids and we are taking these precautions for me to stay negative to lower the risk of transmission to our baby during birth. Once we have kids, we'll be much less stringent about it.

I do want to note that I have not treated it in any way other than de-stigmatizing it for my husband. It does not define him. These precautions are ones he asks me to follow along with because he wants to do everything he can to prevent transmission to me. The risk (aside from having outbreaks as symptoms) is having to take medication and his doctor monitors his kidney and liver functions regularly due to having to take antivirals long-term/for life.

I regularly check on ongoing studies in hopes that there are vaccines, treatments, or long term suppression therapies with medical advancements. I hope for everyone who is affected by it that successful treatment happens in our lifetime!

OOP on taking precautions and being comfortable with what she has to do

OOP I agree, everyone should do what's comfortable for them!

I replied similarly to another comment but the risk (aside from having outbreaks as symptoms) is having to take medication and his doctor monitors his kidney and liver functions regularly due to having to take antivirals long-term/for life. He is adamant that he does not want that for me if he can help it, so it's his request that we take those precautions, not mine.

We plan to have children and we are taking these precautions in effort for me to stay negative to lower the risk of transmission to our baby during birth. We've agreed that once we have kids, we'll be a lot more relaxed about the precautions.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP