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I (32, biomom) have a 15-year-old daughter. I was a teen mom with her biodad (33), and needless to say, it has always been a high-conflict co-parenting relationship. There’s a lot of history here, but I want to focus on the latest drama. I’ve been married to my husband (35, bonus dad) for three years, and we’ve been together for nine years. He loves and cares for my daughter deeply, and she loves and cherishes him in return.

Biodad is engaged to his fiancée (28, bonus mom); they’ve been together for about 10 years and engaged for five. My daughter really likes bonus mom, and I’ve spent years trying to make the co-parenting relationship less toxic. Now, in an attempt to make this as unbiased as I can, I admit I’m not 100% innocent in creating some of the toxicity. I’m human, and biodad still knows exactly how to push my buttons. I try my best not to let my frustration with him affect my daughter. I always tell her my feelings are my own and that she never has to pick sides. I remind her that her dad loves her and that when she’s with him and bonus mom, she needs to respect their rules.

That said, biodad and I do argue and name-call, and unfortunately, she notices more than she should. We try to keep the fighting to a minimum in front of her, but she’s a teenager now, and she picks up on more than we realize. We live in Texas, and since my family moved away (military), visitation has been difficult. We live far apart, and visitation happens on the third weekend of every month and during school breaks. Because of the distance and how visitation is structured, I’ve only been able to spend a handful of birthdays with her. This will come up later in the story.

Biodad and I have never been in a relationship since she was born—there was too much hurt and distance. She has only ever known the tension between us. But in 2018, after a near-death experience, biodad seemed to have a change of heart and has been more consistent with visitation. Before that, it was very hit-or-miss. Since then, she’s loved going to see him, enjoying the break from the structure at our house, where I live with my husband and our four boys (11, 5, and 1).

My daughter is a straight-A student, in the National Junior Honor Society, plays sports, and participates in several after-school clubs. She’s an all-around great kid. She helps me out a lot, not more than a normal amount, but as a mom, I appreciate it. She even does her own laundry because she’s particular about how it’s done. But I also make sure she has time to be a kid and do her own thing.

At her dad’s house, however, things are different. Bonus mom, who’s a psychologist/therapist, has often treated my daughter more like a test subject than a stepdaughter. She believes I put too much responsibility on her and thinks I sit around while my daughter does all the work. Biodad, on the other hand, has taken the “Disneyland Dad” approach—there are no rules, no bedtime, no chores. His only strict rules are no makeup and no revealing clothes, which is an ongoing point of contention. He’s never been comfortable with her wearing shorts or leggings because of her body shape, even though she’s just trying to dress for Texas heat.

From 2018 until about 2021, my daughter thought biodad could do no wrong. She loved going to see him, and though she loved bonus dad, she often found him too strict. But then things started to change. She began texting me at 2 or 3 a.m., saying she was up late because they were at a party. Over time, it became clear that these weren’t normal parties—they were gatherings of biodad’s friends where they drank, played poker, and beer pong. My daughter was often the only child there, and she started to feel uncomfortable.

She also told me that biodad got drunk and drove her and bonus mom home, even getting into a minor accident, which scared her. When I confronted them, they denied it. But the signs of neglect were growing. My daughter was constantly tired, eating pizza nearly every night, and saying she didn’t feel comfortable at his house anymore. Then, one summer, things took a turn for the worse.

Bonus mom got pregnant and had severe morning sickness. My daughter ended up having to take care of her because biodad was still going out and partying. There was little food in the house—just expired items and nothing substantial. She felt abandoned by her dad, who wasn’t even there on her birthday, and when she asked him to spend the day with her, he refused.

By the end of that summer, my daughter was fed up. She’d lost 30 pounds from not being properly fed and constantly taking care of others. When I addressed it with biodad, he deflected, saying she could’ve cooked for herself. Things hit a breaking point when he forgot about August visitation weekend altogether even though he confirmed it the Thursday before. My daughter told me she didn’t want to go back to his house, but I explained that legally, I had to make her go. I’ve tried everything—CPS, police—but nothing can be done since she’s capable of making her own food.

Last weekend was September’s visitation, but it was also her homecoming, and she didn’t want to go so I didn’t take her. It was also her baby sibling’s gender reveal, and when she asked about the baby’s gender, they refused to tell her, saying she’d find out when she visited. She felt like they were manipulating her emotions to get her to visit, even though she was still angry with them. I explained to her that, as much as I hate it, I have to make her go to visitations unless I can find a legal way to stop them. She understands but is still furious.

So, am I the a-hole for letting her skip visitation and the gender reveal? What should I do? I really need advice.

Just watched (most) of the new episode and it was extremely difficult to get through. Talking about the presidential debate that happened over two weeks ago?! Joking about eating the pets like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard meanwhile it’s the most overdone unfunny meme at this point. Theorizing about Nikocado’s weight loss reveal?! You CANNOT have a podcast where you discuss pop culture and post episodes 2 weeks after you record them. The topics are not interesting and have been talked about 1000 times at this point. I used to be a HUGE cancelled fan literally since day 1 of the podcast, I’ve loved and watched Tana since the dirty door days. But I’m genuinely so over them now. Sold my tour tickets. How is your job to post 1 episode a week and you can’t even do that?! They’re so out of touch it’s not relatable or enjoyable anymore.

And before y’all say “ThIs IsNt a SnArK pAgE”— this is not a snark. It’s a genuine criticism of the podcast / Tana from a day 1 fan. I genuinely think they should take a long break from the podcast and look inward. Tana should work through her addiction problems and Brooke needs an ego check and to take a break from the internet IMO. For the sake of their mental health & their careers!

ETA: I felt this goes without saying but obviously the racism & how Brooke’s cancellation was handled, was / is the final straw that turned me off of them. I didn’t want to get into that because then this post would be way too long and it’s been discussed in depth on here a million times already. & THANK YOU FOR THE AWARD 🏆 my first one :”)

Last December my wife admitted to creating a Tinder account and having an affair. We had been having issues after she blamed me for her daughter's suicide attempt (that's a totally different story, but was the beginning of the end).

After she admitted it, I understood that she was struggling mentally and making a lot of impulsive decisions and tried to work through it. I was the only one really trying to work through it. She continued to make one harmful choice after another, staying out late, lying and saying she was working late when she was at the bar with coworkers, and I later found out the affair partner.

I realized my attempts to reconcile were futile, and agreed to the separation that she wanted. We have 3 kids together (not including her daughter who made an attempt). I made my conditions clear, I wanted 50/50 custody of my kids, I am a good dad and deserve that. I wasn't going to pay child support, and most importantly I was not going to ask her for alimony (she makes significantly more than me). I just wanted a clean break, and to attempt to co-parent peacefully.

Since then, her affair partner has moved in (no the kids are not aware they had an affair. They believe they met naturally), but my ex-wife has shared more than I care to know about their relationship. She has all but told me she is miserable. I tried to be a friend to her, listen and give some kind of advice in the past, but it backfired with the guy texting me and cussing me out.

Since I've moved out, everything I suggested be done with her daughter has been put into place, and my ex no longer blames me for what happened. She realizes now that her daughter has issues that medical professionals should be handling and I had no hand in it. She has apologized to me, and I have accepted, I have done my best to get along with her new partner, but he has made that more difficult than it needs to be (disrespecting or over questioning my boundaries).

I have since moved on and I am in a healthier relationship than I have ever been in, but when my ex and I talk about our divorce she makes weird comments like, "it doesn't seem like either of us are going to change our mind, right?" We were talking last week and she said she's not doing well and that she's hanging on by a thread. It is MY week with the kids, and when I last saw her she was fighting back tears and said, "yeah, no, I'm not ok." and then panicked and said, "I have to go". She seemed skittish and afraid to upset her new partner.

I feel like I have tried to give her advice before, and told her that she doesn't need to maintain a relationship with the guy if she isn't happy with him, but it feels like she is waiting for me to come running to her rescue which will NEVER happen. My kids have never reported any mistreatment from their mom's house. Am I wrong for just keeping my distance and expecting my ex to handle this situation she got herself in like an adult? Should I try to be a friend to her again? I don't know what I should do.

I talked to my partner and she feels like I have tried to help before and it backfired and doesn't want me to get into that situation again, and I feel she's right, but I guess I just needed affirmation? At the end of the day I will likely follow my partner's advice...please help.

EDIT: (I don't know how to do "Updates") Message requested, and message received. I am doing the right thing by not involving myself any further in her drama. My partner told me as much, and I trust her completely. I just needed a few strangers on the internet to really sink the message in.

I will keep my distance, I will focus only on my new relationship, my children, and my new life. My new partner will be my next, and final wife. She is undeniably the most amazing partner I have ever met and I can't imagine life without her in my future. While my ex's choices led me to a hard place, I would have never met my new partner without it. I know everything happens for a reason, and my ex has to get her own shit together. It's not my responsibility to fix the situation she put herself in. I will push it from my mind and focus on what's right in front of me.

Thank you all for your kind words and your advice. You're awesome.