I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to & TwoXChromosomes

WIBTAH if I break off my engagement because of his new views about women

Trigger Warnings: sexism, toxic masculinity, misogyny

: September 4, 2024

Burner account post:

My (28F) fiancé (34M) and I used to have a great relationship, but for the last year, his political views have become a problem. I mostly bit my tongue about it, but it came to a head when he accused a woman at his job of lying about her sexual assault. I pointed out that when a woman accuses a man of rape, he questions it and says she is lying. He justified that by saying it's stupid to believe an accusation like that with no proof.

I pointed out that he has no proof that she's lying either but he's accusing her anyway. He often sends me articles of women (usually teachers) sexually abusing boys. I brought up that he never says the boys are lying or asks for proof. He got very upset and kept repeating that I was "trivializing male sexual abuse". I don't feel like I was. I feel that I was just pointing out the hypocrisy.

He denied being biased against female accusers. I reminded him that when the allegations against Diddy first happened, he said "feminists were just trying to ruin a successful man's life". (Unsurprisingly, he never brought up the man who accused Diddy of sexual assault). He defended Diddy up until the video of him physically assaulting Cassie was leaked. Even then, he said "we didn't know the whole story".

The final straw was when he was telling me (yet again) how women are actually worse than men because we are sneaky and conniving and "at least men will f**k you over to your face". He kept saying that women are far worse people than men, and I just lost it. I said that there was nowhere on earth, not now or ever in recorded history, has the female violent crime rate been higher than the males'. I told him that men kill each other even more than they kill us, so they are a bigger danger to themselves than some girl being "sneaky".

I said that blaming women for unfair legislation (like conscription) makes no sense when men make up the majority of the US government (and most, if not all, other governments). He was absolutely furious about all this. He didn't "argue" with me, per se. He just told me that I was brainwashed by the feminist agenda and that feminism lied to me and convinced me I was "special" (I still don't know where that comment came from. It was not relevant to anything). I, admittedly, was very pissed off, and said "well, maybe, patriarchy lied to you about this relationship being special". I threw my ring at the table, left the house, and haven't spoken to him since.

Today, he sent me a long text stating how I belittled him with that comment and that I "would be a good wife if I could just stop needing to be right all the time". I haven't responded, and I'm conflicted about if I will at all. I feel bad about throwing he ring. I really feel bad that I hurt his feelings by saying our relationship isn't special. But still, tbh, I'm seriously questioning if I really want to marry him. He has always been argumentative. Not just with me. With everyone. Normally, I just ignore it, but he was so egregious with his hypocritical BS. I shouldn't have taken the bait, and I don't feel like men are generally bad. I was speaking out of anger.

I don't consider myself to be a super political person. I'm not even sure if I count as a feminist. He just has a new complaint about women every freaking day at this point. It's so frustrating. Idk when he became this way, but it sucks. There are still things I love about him, but the things he has been saying may be more than I can forgive. Despite all that, I'm still responsible for my intense outburst because I ignored his constant woman-bashing in an effort to keep the peace. I exploded when I could've just spoken up from the start. Maybe if I'd nipped it in the bud right at the start, it could have been better. Idk. I don't know what to do. AITAH?

Update Edit: I did a whole update post, but the TL;DR is: I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore and called off the engagement. I'm going to a friend's place for a few days, and he's going to nove out of the condo by the 9th.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP clarifies several points

If you were mistaken about this simple foundational point then it's likely that if I keep reading I'm going to find out that you're wrong about a bunch of stuff.

The main point (which was already pretty clear in the post) is that he accuses the women of lying ~but not the men~. If he sincerely believes that proof is necessary before believing an accusation, why is he only applying that belief to women? Why do men who claim they were sexually assaulted not also bear the burden of proof in his eyes? Why are men believed automatically but women have to prove it? This isn't about legal procedure. This is about his personal beliefs and hypocrisies.

Obviously.

"We must maintain the burden of proof on the Accuser."

The irony is that you aren't applying this to my ex. He is accusing this woman of making a false rape accusation. That's a very serious offense. He has absolutely no proof to support his accusation. If he cared about "proof" at all, then he would:

1. remain neutral until proof was presented,

2. apply the "burden of proof" to himself when making accusations against another person, and

3. require proof ~regardless~ of the accuser's gender.

He has done neither of these things because his distrust of women isn't about "proof". It's about misogyny.

But if you're not willing to do that then he absolutely should leave you.

I left him. He didn't leave me. He's been texting me asking me to come home. You'd know that if you read the post instead of offering your uninformed, half-baked, try- hard, sophomoric, anti-intellectual drivel.

OOP on breaking up with her fiancé because she doesn’t want to live her life arguing over beliefs

OOP: This is exactly it!! I've seen some comments saying I need to try to work it out with him, and I did try, but eventually you realize you're fighting a losing battle and the spoils of war aren't worth it anymore. Some guys in the comments are even saying "lol now you're single" like I should be devastated that I don't get to explain empathy to a grown man all day, every day anymore.

Commenter 1: He is telling you who he is.

Commenter 2: Nope

stating how I belittled him with that comment and that I "would be a good wife if I could just stop needing to be right all the time"

That's all you needed to hear from him to don't look back.

: September 5, 2024

Hi, again! I'm surprised and overwhelmed by the response my post got. Thanks to everyone who read through all that. And thanks to anyone who reads through all this, too.

After I left, I went to a hotel. He kept contacting me to ask when I was coming home. I told him I needed time to think and turned off my phone. When I turned it back on, I saw his photo on my lock screen and decided to call him (for reasons that will make sense later). He said he wanted to talk face to face, and I agreed, so I went home.

He apologized for implying that I'm not special. I apologized for implying our relationship isn't special. We've been together for 12 years, so saying that was hurtful and untrue. (Before anyone compares the harshness of our statements, his wrongs don't justify my own and vice versa.)

{Disclaimer: This post isn't about the validity or ethics of gender roles. This is strictly an account of what happened with no wider social commentary from me}

We discussed what we wanted for the future. He wants a "traditional marriage", and specified the following:

1. I would quit my job and we'd start trying for a baby right after the wedding

2. I'd be a SAHM until the kids are old enough for primary school and we'd raise them as Christians

3. He wants to protect and provide for our family, and I would be submissive. He assured me that I could still disagree with him and have a say, but he wants to ultimately have the final say in most things.

He asked if I understood what he wanted, and I said yes. When he asked me if I still wanted to get married, I told him that I didn't. He has the right to change his mind, but it's not the arrangement we agreed to when he proposed. This post is long enough, so I won't detail how he got into this gender essentialism stuff or why I don't want the type of relationship he's asking for. Suffice to say, we are no longer compatible. He wants to do a "trial run" of his preferred setup "so I can see that it's for the best". I told him that we had a very successful trial run of not doing that for 10 years until he decided to switch things up a few years ago. He was unphased by this.

So about the lock screen: He has a small snaggletooth toward the back that he's always been shy about, so he never fully smiles in public. That photo is one of very few pictures where he is showing his real smile and it's beautiful. Seeing that photo used to make me so happy. When I saw it this morning, I just felt sad. I know it sounds dramatic, but it feels like he died and was replaced by some kind of redpilled pod person. When he asked me if I still loved him at all, I told him that I will always love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I get that many people had strong feelings about the things he said, and he definitely crossed the line several times, but this is still so hard for me to do. He's the only man I've ever been with and my best friend. I'm relieved that it's over but still sad about how it ended. I accept that he's a different person now, but it's hard not to think of what could have been.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You put it perfectly right here:

“He asked if I understood what he wanted, and I said yes. When he asked me if I still wanted to get married, I told him that I didn’t. He has the right to change his mind, but it’s not the arrangement we agreed to when he proposed.”

You made an informed decision.

Commenter 2: I'm very proud of you. It's hard to make that change. And you were so honest about how this isn't going to work for you, and yes, he changed things. You had 10 good years and 2 bad ones. Those bad ones outweigh the good.

You're going to thrive.

: September 11, 2024

To make a long story short (already posted the long version), I was with a guy who became an extreme MRA. I posted about him and mentioned that I don't think I'm a feminist. I got a bunch of comments from people saying I am actually a feminist, but I don't know if they are correct. I also kept getting accused by men of being "brainwashed by feminists". I told them that I wasn't raised around feminism and I don't know any feminists at all.

After my ex got into MRA stuff, I spent a lot of time learning, researching, and talking with them. I know wayyyy more about men's rights than women's rights. I don't disagree with everything the MRAs said, but some stuff was kinda....ya know....stupid. If I ever disagreed with them, they just said I was brainwashed by feminism. I'm thinking maybe I have been accidentally feminist this whole time. I want to learn more about feminism to know if I really do agree with it, but it's so difficult to know where to start. It feels like everyone in my age group is further ahead on this than what I can catch up to. What are some good ways (books, videos, essays, etc..) to get started and learn more about women's rights?

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I AM NOT THE (ORIGINAL) ORIGINAL POSTER (OOP). OOP IS u/

Originally posted in

Previously posted on

Content warning: Financially reckless spouse/parent, fraud/theft, lying

1 post with updates

July 26th, 2019

AITA for using money we "earmarked" for our 6 month old's college fund to buy back the exact 1972 Ford Bronco I owned as a teenager?

So how to begin with this...I realize that on paper I am totally the asshole but when you dig deeper into my motivations I'm hoping its more of a grey area that anything else and maybe even I did the right thing.

When I was a teenager my dad bought me a classic 1972 Ford Bronco. It was my true passion and I don't recall a memory from high school that somehow doesn't involve that truck. Plus my dad and I would spend hours and hours working on it together and we went through that especially father/son rough patch when I was teenager it was always that Bronco that brought us back together. I made a huge mistake and sold the truck when I turned 19 and my dad died of a heart attack two months later so while not logical, I've always felt a karmic connection between the two events.

We had a baby in early February. she is our first and the light of my life. My wife is doing well but she's back at work and she's realized that she hates all the day cares we've tried and really wants to be a stay at home mom and plus she's still very hormonal from delivery, lack of sleep and breastfeeding so she's having a rough time and is angry a lot. I guess I need to say this.

Two weeks ago I was driving through our town's warehouse district and saw a Bronco that was pretty beat up but resembled mine. I stopped just for nostalgias sake and the owner came out and let me take a look inside. My dad and I had glued a wheat penny under the dash as sort of security measure so I just sort of checked and goddamned if it wasn't MY BRONCO!

I asked him if he'd ever consider selling it, he said actually someone was on I-25 as we spoke from Colorado to buy it for $21000. I freaked out and asked him if I could buy it right then and there for $23000. He said if I could come up with the cash, yes. I had been procrastinating setting up a 529 so I had $12000 in savings that my wife's parents had given us, I maxed out my credit card to Venmo and my mom bought down a check for $4000 and I fucking drove away in my old car. It was like a dream come true. Like a literal dream come true. It needs a lot of work I can't afford right now but it's mine. Like in my driveway mine. Again. I can't even describe what a joy this is.

My wife and her parents are furious with me. They feel I was deceptive, that a "real" man would have sacrificed anything and everything so my wife could go stay at home with his kids and that's setting aside that they gave us the money for a college fund. My point is my daughter is only 6 months old, we have 18 years to set up a college fund of her. But this Bronco means everything to me and if I wouldn't have acted it would have been gone forever. Now it can be that same connection between me and my kids. To me it's the literal meaning of happiness.

Like I said on paper--asshole...whole story--grey area. How do you guys see it?

Edit: had no idea this would go so one way. I guess I messed up. I talked with my mom and she is basically going to buy the bronco from me in order to refill the college fund and pay off the credit card. The $4k will be a gift and she’s going to give me whatever I need to restore it. She’s always been awesome to me and she’s rather the money be spent now than wait for me and my sisters inheritance. Sorry to get everyone so mad at me, I was thinking with my emotions and acted badly

edit2: are the “mommy bailed you out” comments really necessary ? I found a solution and it’s coming from me and my sisters inheritance so it’s not like I’m not paying for it on my own eventually.

Edit 3: my inbox is so buried I have no idea what those icons are that are where gold used to be. Does anyone know what those are ?

Edit4: I’m getting a 403 error whenever I try to respond, not sure what that means but I’m still reading because honestly I’m afraid to go home even with the great news I know my wife is going to be upset for one reason or another

Edit5: does anyone know what 403 error means? I messaged the moderators but they must be busy  since you’re a mod, do you know? I can’t respond to any posts and get the “status 403” whenever I try. Thanks!

Edit in the morning: I couldn’t figure out why I was getting so many private’s but I guess this must be locked now. I didn’t tell my wife that my mom bailed me out and lied and Said I found a buyer for the bronco. I’ll figure out how to cross that bridge when I get there but my wife was so relieved that I “had come to your senses” I don’t want to disappoint her. It’s going to take all my lying skills to pull this one off over the next few years.

Relevant Comments

SnausageFest

Jesus dude, yes, YTA.

Who spends $23K without so much as speaking to their spouse first? Assholes do.

madisonpreggers

wow, I have an almost 7 month old and your post literally ruined my day. YTA for this line alone:

she's still very hormonal from delivery, lack of sleep and breastfeeding so she's having a rough time and is angry a lot.

Really? She's not angry because her husband is the type of person who blew a fucking college fund on a junked out car?

Wow this one really affected me. I'm going to leave this and try not to check back in because I'm heartbroken for your wife and daughter.

lizardjustice

YTA. The backstory doesn’t make you any less of an asshole it just explains why you acted like an asshole.

beef1020

I think the back story makes him more of an asshole....

Marked Closed - Here's hoping has since acquired new partner and stepparent.

REMINDER: This is a repost subreddit. I am not the OOP.

Brigading and harassment are strictly against this subreddit's rules.

I AM NOT THE (ORIGINAL) ORIGINAL POSTER [OOP]. OOP IS

Originally posted on

1 Update – Medium

Content Warning: Abuse of a pet resulting in injury, mention of anxiety and bipolar disorder

– September 12^th, 2024

– September 19^th, 2024

AITAH for refusing to get my daughter with severe social anxiety a service dog and forcing her to get a part time job after what she did?

Throwaway account: don't want the whole family up in my business for this just yet.

Alright the title is long winded I know, but hear me out.

My (45f) daughter (15f) suffers from severe social anxiety. It is incredibly crippling and has prevented her from many extra curriculars and even her education over the years. I left my job five years ago to start homeschooling her and have since put her in therapy. The therapist and I have been working on getting her into school more and more for the past year and a half. This is all to say - I am not trying to shame my daughter for her social anxiety at all. It is a debilitating thing to live with and I can see that first hand.

Last month the therapist recommended getting a service dog for my daughter in order to be able to help her navigate public settings better. Despite thinking this was a huge responsibility, I did see the excitement on my daughter's face. She really wanted a dog and seemed determined to continue her progress with the help of an animal. I was initially on board with this and started the necessary research required.

However, a few weeks ago I left my daughter with my sister in law for a few days because my mother was sick and I needed to visit her a few hours away and my husband was on a work trip. The plan was for my SIL to continue her homeschooling for as many hours as she could manage but instead I got a call from her two days in demanding I take my daughter back home.

I came to find out that my sister in law had to leave the house for a few hours and asked my daughter take care of her senior dog. This dog is very old and small. She was adopted just over a year ago so she's still a bit weary of people. My daughter, in an attempt to recreate some stupid online video, took this senior dog to the roof of the house and left her there. The poor thing was so scared she shit herself on the roof, shaking, while my daughter filmed. Of course this didn't go to plan and the dog ended up falling off the roof and into the swimming pool out of sheer luck. However, due to her age and size the dog ended up breaking a few ribs and her paw.

When I heard this I was absolutely livid. I confronted my daughter immediately and she admitted to wanting to recreate a video she saw online. She then proceeded to use a defense that went along the lines of "that dog is old. If it were younger than nothing would have happened." She also mentioned how she didn't really think what she did was that bad because it's an unloved shelter dog with no real "value" like a service dog or new born puppy. I was very upset to hear these words coming out of my daughter's mouth. I have no idea where she learned this from considering neither me or my husband share these beliefs.

I instantly told my daughter that she would not be getting a service dog. I also told her that she would have to pay her aunt's vet bill no matter what it took. Because the bill is in the thousands, she will have to find a way to make that money. My daughter got upset and said I was being unfair because she can't get a job due to her social anxiety but I told her she should have thought about that before doing what she did.

My daughter has since then been attempting to search for a part time job that requires minimal face to face interaction. Despite me and my husband helping her she was only able to find a waitress job. I asked my sister in law if she was okay with my daughter working the vet bill off instead but she refused saying she really had no interest in having my daughter anywhere near her house or dog again and I honestly thought that was fair enough so I told my daughter she had to find a way to stick with this because that vet bill was her responsibility only.

My husband told me I might be an AH for suggesting our daughter pay off the entire bill and that we should probably just restrict her pocket money until the bill is paid off. I think that's not a good enough punishment because her pocket money isn't earned it's what me and my husband give her for "free time" at the start of the week. Also this bill is entirely her fault and therefore her responsibility. It's unfortunate that the only jobs available are in customer service but what else can we do?

My daughter's therapist also reached out saying she thinks it was wrong of me to completely take the service dog idea off the table considering it is a medical necessity as well as pointing out that suddenly forcing my daughter into an unfamiliar job may be a bit too daunting.

Are my husband and my daughters therapist right? Am I being too harsh on my daughter? AITAH?

Relevant Comments

Purlz1st

Despite what the therapist says, I’m not sure that a legitimate service animal organization would approve an animal for your daughter.

Simple_Carpet_9946

Kid has stayed home for 5 years with no social interaction with her peers other than stupid tiktok content. Time to take the phone, sign the kid up for a league or art class or soemthing. The therapist is taking in the dough and encouraging this. I swear some kids need good old immigrant parents like mine.

whskid2005

As someone that’s always had trouble making friends, my dogs were absolutely treasured. You mean there’s this creature that will hang out with me with no expectations and it just needs to be fed and use the bathroom?

But OPs kid is like “hah let me terrify it for the likes”. There is something so wrong and off about that. A 15 year old should know better. This isn’t a 5 year old who maybe doesn’t understand that being on a roof is dangerous

Ciniya

Ah but that's the thing she said. "It didn't matter because it was an unwanted shelter dog with no real value like a service dog or newborn puppy". It does show that she thinks about the value of things and what it will do for her, instead of just being happy to have a creature that just exists to exist.

Cause that's the other sociopathic behavior she showed as well. It sounds like her one thought with the dog was "how can I use this thing to benefit me" which resulted in the dog on the roof.

My oldest is 14 with low impulse control, and while he may do some dumb things, I don't have to worry about him putting other people in danger. Like if I have to run errands, I can trust that he can watch his much younger siblings, and everyone will be ok and alive, with in reason. And not on the flipping roof.

Update – 1 Week Later

Okay first off, I would like to say that although I was warned Reddit was absolutely brutal, you guys did not hold back. Shout out to the person who DM'ed me to tell me to kill myself and my family. I would like everyone to know that I read almost every single comment - even if I didn't reply to all of them.

Also to clarify - when I said a service animal I was told that we would be able to get one to alert my daughter of panic attacks and help calm her down. However after now speaking to other resources, we were explained that what the therapist was talking about was an ESA. Apologies for any confusion - this is new to me.

And yes, where we live in America, psychologists can prescribe simple anxiety meds.

And also yes, I obviously took away my daughter's phone and laptop after this. She's only allowed what she needs to complete her studies.

Onto the update: there was also a lot of helpful advice and support so I do feel like I owe you guys an update.

My and my husband have been fighting for weeks now on how to handle this. We did end up taking her to a psychiatrist and she was diagnosed severe social anxiety (as before) and also Bipolar. We were told that the reason she wasn't diagnosed earlier is because she was far too young and this is something that most likely only became visible very recently as she just hit puberty. So no - my daughter is not a sociopath, sorry to disappoint. And yes, we were told to continue homeschooling as it's too late to put her in a school where everyone has already developed their own friendship groups etc etc..

I once again had to leave to care for my sick mother which left my daughter with my husband. Apparently while I was gone my husband thought it was a genius idea to turn up to SIL's house and ask for my daughter to see the dog under supervision. My SIL didn't agree but was coerced by my husband (this is what I'm assuming because despite what my husband says I don't believe she would have been on board with this). My daughter started crying and apologising claiming she felt so sad seeing the broken senior pup too scared to come close to her.

My husband has since decided that in light of this, my daughter deserves her ESA. I completely disagree with this stance and believe that she needs more support, therapy and a large range of resources not limited to an animal. Even if my daughter is genuinely sorry, this isn't a mistake that can be easily forgiven in a month. I still think we should be pushing her to continue a part time job - something she's been beginning to do. She's been sent home from the restaurant a few times already for panic attacks and has even complained to vomiting during her breaks. I told her she's welcome to search for other jobs she might find easier, which she has started to do, although it's been almost three weeks of working and I have asked her to do this a minimum of two months before quitting and finding something else. She's also not allowed to quit unless she comes to me with a different plan to pay the money back.

My husband told me he has started the application process for an ESA. I was very angry and asked him to stop but he argued that he thinks he should take over her care from now and quit his job while I worked instead. I disagree because I'm the one who has been handling it for six years but apparently I don't truly understand just how "sorry" she is now. In light of this I contacted my SIL and told her that I think it would be best she file a police report. I do want this on record because as many of you said, they won't give my daughter an animal if they find out about this. She agreed and did file a report - which was totally heartbreaking for me. It really hurts to have to do something like this to my daughter.

My husband did find out and we've now been arguing for days. He's incredibly angry but I'm attempting to stick with this. I'm not sure how the next few weeks will pan out but I will say that I'm incredibly worried for the future. I have no idea what to do or how to get my husband to see my side. This is very concerning but, thank you for listening Reddit. And for those of you who gave advice and support, I really really appreciate it.

Relevant Comments

Commonfckingsense

This is a hill I would die on. That girl does not deserve a dog and you did the right thing telling SIL to file that report. I know that’s hard for you but it was in fact the correct thing. Your husband is being a Disney dad and in the long run that’s not going to help your daughter at all.

Hopefully real life consequences will show her how wrong exactly what she did is.

JanetInSpain

Your husband is an idiot. Her being sorry is NOT enough to make up for what she did and is no proof that she should be trusted around another animal. Especially with a bipolar diagnosis. Good on you for pushing for a police report. This protects everyone, including any dog that might be subjected to your daughter.

Tell your husband to stop with the "daddy's girl dad" mentality and look at this logically. She is NOT ready for a dog of her own. That would be completely inappropriate and illogical at this time. What did the psychiatrist say about an ESA? Maybe he/she should talk to your husband.

I still say you need to pay your SIL back. You are still punishing HER. Your daughter can pay you back so your SIL doesn't have to wait forever.

Marked ongoing.

REMINDER: this is a repost subreddit. I am not the OOP.

Brigading and harassment are strictly against the rules of this subreddit.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My supervisor met my boyfriend and now she wants an HR meeting

Originally posted to

Thanks to & for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: shaming a sex worker

  Sept 11, 2024

Posting here because my friends are busy and I feel like this is the next best thing since I listen every week and love reading everybody's comments and opinions on stuff.

I (24f) am a high school science teacher and my boyfriend (25m) is an OF model (this is important). Today after school, he helped me carry in some stuff for a lab I'll be doing with my kids. When he arrived the principal (I'll call her Jan) was outside for dismissal and was able to meet him. While he was helping me set everything up in my classroom, Jan came in and asked if they had ever met since he looked familiar. My bf said he didn't think so and that was that.

When we finished I gave him a tour of the school that ended at the office. Jan was still there and greeted us again before a look of, what I can only describe as fear, came across her face. She quickly excused herself and we were left alone and confused. My bf asked if maybe she recognized him from his OF page. I said surely not since she's a middle aged woman who barely knows how to use her phone. He let me live in denial until I got a text from her as we were cooking dinner.

She said this: Good evening OP, I'd like to have a meeting with you and [HR person] from HR tomorrow morning. Please be in my office at 7:00AM.

So now I'm almost certain that my bf was right and she does know him from his page. He keeps trying to reassure me that it's not about that but I can see in his eyes that he's at least a little proud of himself. I've kicked him out to go buy me some stress snacks, my friends are busy, and my family doesn't now he's an OF model so I don't know who else to turn to. Maybe y'all have advice for me? I want to crawl out of my skin.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Dingo-thatate-urbaby

That would be a ridiculous reason to be fired. I would recommend recording if you’re in a one party consent state for recording.

She can’t fire you because shes a naughty girl 😂.

OOP

At the beginning of the year one of my coworkers told me that another teacher got fired for wearing a skirt above her knees so idk I'm just freaked out I guess T_T

~

solomons-marbles

Please say you’re union. Call your rep. Don’t admit or agree to anything, in fact say as little as possible.

If it’s about his OF page, you’re about to get paid. But here’s a flip side, you said he helped you carry things in. Are supposed to have visitors sign in? Did he?

OOP

Yeah I asked for her permission a day in advance and had him sign in at the front office. They gave him a sticker badge

  Sept 12, 2024

Hello, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to make a separate post for an update or not? Sorry this is my first time actually posting on reddit (I have an account for stalking but my name is linked to it), please let me know if I'm not supposed to. I asked for advice and y'all gave so much, thank you I felt very supported! Also a lot of y'all clocked it, I do work for a religious private school.

Anyway, I arrived for my meeting at 7:00, I know a lot of you thought it was early but school starts at 7:45 so it was a normal time for me. I did record the meeting, and even though I am in a one party consent state, I asked to be safe. The meeting started with Jan (my principal) saying that it had recently some to their attention that my bf had been "publicly participating in lewd acts." I asked what she meant since as far as I knew my bf had never had charges filed against him for something like that.

That's when the HR lady (Pam) said that somebody (they couldn't name names, just said it was a staff member) found his OF account. Like many of you said, I asked what that was since I had never heard of it. They explained although they did not look as uncomfortable as I had hoped. Then they asked if I had ever participated in, or intended to participate in one of his videos. I said no. Jan said that I couldn't bring any unvetted guests into the building, so I pulled up the email thread I had asking for permission and reminded her that he had his ID scanned in order to get a temp badge.

Pam said that it was due to the nature of his online activity, that he would no longer be allowed in the school. I said okay and asked if when I brought my dad to help with things in the future, would I need to disclose his online activity as well. Pam said that wasn't necessary, but that they couldn't have any teacher or staff member affiliated with a sex worker. I asked what that meant and she said that I could not bring him onto school grounds, to school functions, or anything relating to the school. Additionally, since the school represented the church, the staff could only have relationships with people who upheld a dignified image. Apparently my bf doesn't do that. She also said that if they receive one report from a parent, student, or staff member of my affiliation with him after this meeting, that would be grounds for immediate termination.

I asked if that also applied to the staff member who reported it in the first place, since they went onto a corn site. Jan said that was irrelevant, that the meeting was about me, not the other staff member. The meeting ended shortly after, they asked me to sign an acknowledgement of the meeting. I told them I wanted to review it first and brought it home with me. My bf is furious and at the same time keeps apologizing saying that it's his fault, but it's not. The standards for teachers are crazy. We're going to have a little Indeed/LinkedIn date so hopefully I can get out of there asap. Lesson learned though, never take a job at a religious school.

TOP COMMENTS

NotSlothBeard

You missed your opportunity to ask Jan in front of HR if she ever figured out where she knew your boyfriend from, since she said he looked familiar to her.

~

Lost-and-dumbfound

"I asked if that also applied to the staff member who reported it in the first place, since they went onto a corn site. Jan said that was irrelevant, that the meeting was about me, not the other staff member"

Jan can't do that coz that staff member is Jan lol. She can't set up a meeting with herself. Good luck escaping!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My finance assaulted his bff on his bachelor party

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: sexual assault, attempted rape, infidelity

  Sept 8, 2024

I don’t know what to do. My (f28) finance ( m28) Alex has a bff ( Dani 28) since they were 4. She’s not like the usual Reddit bff. She’s a lovely sweet person who has never crossed boundaries with Alex or their two other friends Marcus and Daniel. The four are very close. Dani is gay and always was. She is very much a woman but likes to dress in jeans and t shirts and not in any feminine clothing. She is lean tall has short hair and  is just one of the boys in a lot of ways. 

This weekend was Alex Bachelor party. All four plus two other of Alex friends went along. It was to a costal town that’s well know for hosting bachelor and bachelorette parties but there’s no strip club or anything. They stayed in a b&b and have scuba diving and kayaking planned. First night went ok dinner restaurant and night club and home. Last night was the issue. They did the nightclub and headed back to the house. Marcus and Daniel who are both single brought back two girls from the nightclub and got busy in their bedrooms. The rest were drinking in the living room but things got a bit loud and the two friends started complaining that they didn’t get to go to a strip club and never got to see t*ts and ass. They were blaming their wives and calling them names. Dani told them to shush as it was ruining the mood and they both thought it would be funny if they saw Dani’s body naked to make up for it. The thing is Alex joined in and they stripped her. She was screaming loudly and Marcus and Daniel came running and rescued Dani and put her in the a bedroom with the girls and had a fight with the three men. Daniel doesn’t drink due to a chronic medical condition and the medication he is on. So they packed up and took Dani and the two girls and left the other three. Dani was hysterical and Marcus wanted her to go to the police but she wouldn’t. She was afraid to go home so they ended up dropping the girls off and taking Dani to her parents which was an hour away.

Marcus was at my door at 7am this morning and he told me what happened that if he ever sees Alex again he’s afraid of how things could go. He told me that if he can convince Dani to press charges he will . Then he left .

Alex returned about 3 this afternoon. He was a ting normally until I told him Marcus has visited. He was very nervous and tried to play down what happened as a joke that got out of hand. I’m devastated. I heard him out but he knew I wasn’t accepting what he was saying. I told him Dani may be going to the police and he got very panicked and pale. He said she had him blocked and he wanted to go talk to her. I told him she wasn’t at her place as she was too afraid he or his “ buddies” would turn up there. I asked him to leave and he didn’t want to go but I insisted. He was crying saying it was a prank that got out of hand.  

I heard him out only as a courtesy to our two year relationship but I’m done. I don’t know this man. I don’t know if I should reach out to Dani or just do nothing. Marcus and I have been in constant contact and he agrees that I have no option but to end things. I don’t know where to start with cancelling everything as the wedding was in 5 weeks but it seems trivial compared to what Dani is going through right now. Marcus is convinced that Dani is going to the police after talking to her parents so I think Alex is in trouble. I can’t support him on this. Maybe I’m wrong as he was drunk and probably had taken other things but this was his friend from age 4 and he did this to her. I’ve not blocked Alex but I’ve not replied or picked up any of his calls.

  Sept 9, 2024

Sorry I don’t know how to do updates so posting this separately.

It’s been a terrible day. I can’t reach out to my friends yet as I’m ashamed. I did tell my parents and my brother and they have been wonderful. My brother brought his friend with him when he came to stay and today both of them packed up every bit of my exes stuff and took it to his parents house. Ex was there and just asked if that meant I was finished with him and my brother said yes and did he really expect any other reaction? His father intervened and told ex not to say anything more. He told my brother to tell me to contact him on cancelling the wedding. I’m not contacting his father ever!

My parents are handling cancelling the wedding and my father got in to my cousin who is a lawyer and he is going to help and advise me as needed. I’ve to disentangle myself from ex on leases bank accounts savings and such although my brother made me transfer all of my money from joint accounts savings and daily accounts to my own account. It’s a mess .

I tried to ring Dani but she isn’t up for speaking to anyone so I just text her that I was there for her and that I had broken up with Alex. She hasn’t replied and I don’t expect she will. She’s in a bad way apparently.  

Daniel  spent three hours with me today. There’s a lot going on but I’m afraid to say too much for fear of damaging any court case.  Just to say there are two videos of the “incident” . One by Jeb (one of the two friends) a lot of it is chaotic but the last part is clear and telling apparently. The owners of the rental house apparently have gotten involved and have footage but I can’t say more.

When Marcus left me he went to both those guys wives and told them what happened. Jebs wife has been “ very helpful” apparently and she has split from him.   The other guys wife too has left him.

Things are going how most of you want them to go that’s all I will say . Well I will add it was worse than what Marcus shared .

Daniel told me that before Dani found her style she had long hair and dressed feminine and was stunningly beautiful and all three of them were in love with her as teens. Alex took her rejection very personally apparently and Daniel says he was angry and bitter for a couple of years but hid it from her. The thought he had gotten over it but Daniel feels this smacks of revenge against her. Scary if this is true. I have and continue to receive hundreds of texts from Alex. He told me his father told him to stop texting me but he can’t. I haven’t replied or blocked based on “ advice”.  This is very hard and I don’t know what way all this is going to end up. Sorry about any mistakes and typos I’m not doing well. If there’s more I will post again if I’m able.

  Sept 12, 2024

Update 2 my fiancé assaulted his Bff on his bachelor party

Hi all my last update my removed but if anyone is interested I thought I’d post the latest and get some advice.

I got a call from Dani. Daniel has been ever present and I’m guessing it was because he knew she was going to call. There’s a lot more to the story.

The first night was normal as I said but in the Saturday Alex Jeb and their friend decided not to go scuba diving with Dani Daniel and Marcus.  Dani was feeling very hungover and gave up after an hour and went back to the airb&b. She walked into the living room to find all three guys engaging in sexual acts with two women. Jeb shouted at her to get out as this was costing them a fortune. The women were escorts.

She left and went back to the boat and only told Marcus what she saw. When they all went back later Alex told her to not tell me as it was just his last bit of freedom. She told him she was disgusted with him and that he wasn’t free. She told him she would have to think about what to do. Marcus convinced her to stay another night as he and Daniel had met the two girls the night before and were seeing them again that night and if Dani wanted to leave then Daniel would have to take her as he was her ride and there wasn’t public transport in the tiny town.

So Alex cheated as did the other two. Marcus told their wives that morning but not me. He was going to do it in stages as he knew I was in shock. The actual assault went further than Marcus told me also. And while Alex hadn’t actually done anything beyond pulling off her clothes ( unlike the other two ) he stood by and watched and did nothing to help her. She said she thought he had taken shrooms  earlier but couldn’t be sure. Marcus and Daniel did rescue her but things had already escalated.

She went to the police immediately she got to her parents. The Airbnb owners had also gone independently when they saw the footage. All three men are facing the consequences of their actions. Dani told me she was sorry she didn’t leave  tell me immediately like she wanted to do. She is very distraught still I didn’t want to make things worse for her.

I don’t think I am needed for any legal proceedings so I finally blocked Alex and his parents. The wedding is cancelled. And I’m just starting to disentangle myself from Alex on bank accounts and such.

Here’s my issue. I’m feeling very angry towards Marcus. It feels like he didn’t really care about me. He stopped Dani from telling me so he could continue to shack up with the girl he met. He apparently feels guilty because if they had left Dani would not have been attacked. He didn’t do me the courtesy  of telling me that Alex cheated that morning like he did with the other two wives . It’s not like he was sparing my feelings because my ex assaulting another woman was a pretty damn bad thing to hear. He didn’t tell me the full extent of the attack. Dani is still unsure if Alex wasn’t just “waiting his turn” or he all he was going to do was watch. I should have been told that asap. And not from Dani because the conversation was incredibly difficult for her. Daniel didn’t know about the escorts at all and didn’t know Marcus hasn’t shared the full story of what they saw when they burst in. Daniel has been my rock.  I need some perspective here. Is it ok  to be angry at Marcus? Is it misplaced anger? I’m pretty angry at Alex though and that’s all I feel towards him. Can anyone give me a different perspective im missing? Marcus and I had been in constant contact. He’s already back at work so it was messages /texts and occasional calls. He actually visited last night but I didn’t open the door to him.  Daniel is saying whatever I feel right now is ok. But I think he’s just placating me. I don’t know who to trust anymore.

I don’t have to have any more contact with Alex and think the case will move along without me. I’m thinking of telling Daniel that I need a break from him and Marcus and that group of friends. Dani and I have said we will stay in touch but I can’t see us being very close. My best friend who I finally confided in thinks I should just step away from them all now for good and try to move forward. My parents agree and think it’s necessary for healing. My brother thinks Daniel has been nothing but great and I shouldn’t cut him off.  But they all seem to be a package deal but without Alex now obviously. So I think it’s probably all or nothing. What should I do? I don’t want to be ungrateful but a clean break feels right.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7,

I am STILL NOT the Original Poster. That is still . He posted in r/AITAH

I replaced letters with names.

Previous BORU . New Updates marked with ***** Thanks to and for letting me know about the newest update!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is about a month old.

Mood Spoiler: OOP will be ok

Original : November 15, 2023

Me (26) and my ex gf (25) were together for about a year.

Some weeks ago, we were hanging out with some of her friends (not the friend in question),

We were playing a little quiz game, and one of the questions that popped up involved cheating.

I mentioned that I hate cheaters, and after that, I noticed one of the friends give my ex gf a look, and also noticed my gf got a bit uncomfortable. It was weird, and got me thinking.

The next day, I asked my ex gf about it.

She said that she wasn't gonna lie and admited that she cheated on her ex. This was a year before she met me.

I felt upset about it because she's never mentioned it before, and I asked what happened.

She mentioned that one time she got drunk, and hooked up with her friend. Let's call him Byron.

Byron is a former FWB of hers, and they still hang out regularly.

I knew that my ex gf and Byron had a history, and while I didn't like that they hung out, I just dealt with it.

I was pretty upset, because not only did I find out she was a cheater, but she still hung out with the guy.

I told her I needed some time to think, and after 2 days, I decided to break up with her.

I didn't want to tell her that she can't be friends with Byron, and I knew I couldn't deal with her still being friends with him, so I just removed myself.

So, AITAH?

Relevant Comment:

Commenter (downvoted): I'm gonna get downvoted for this but it was a year before they even met. A lie by omission? Do you list every fuck up you've ever done to your partners? That's some bullshit mate.

OOP: Not usually, but if you're keeping what made you fuck up in the first place close to you, then yes.

In reply to a downvoted comment that says people cheat because they're missing something in their relationship:

OOP: Fuck off with that. If you're not getting what you need from a partner, then BREAK UP!!!I hope your current partner never fails to provide what you need. I bet the person you cheated with wouldn't mind, though, specifically since you're still in touch.

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but a majority of comments seemed to be NTA

Update : December 1, 2023 (16 days later)

Since so many people took interest last time I figured I'd update you all.

So about a week after I posted my original post, my ex gf dropped by my place.

She said that she wanted to get back together, and that it was silly of us to break up over this.

I told her that I'm just not comfortable with her friendship with Byron.

She said that her cheating with Byron was a mistake. But that was in the past, and she's grown.

I told her that it doesn't really look like it, she goes out drinking with Byron very often, and you two were fucking after you and your ex broke up. ( They were fwb before AND after her ex).

I told her I'm just not taking a chance to be her next sucker.

She then said "What if I cut off Byron? Can we get back together then?"

I was tempted for a second tbh. Our relationship seemed great. But I remembered some of the comments I read in my last post, and I asked her

"Have you been fucking Byron since we broke up?"

I had never seen such a poor poker face.

She stumbled her words, and said no.

I gave her a look like "That's b.s."

She saw this and said "I mean, we were broken up..."

I just put my hands up, and said "Nope"

I then asked her to leave.

She was really upset.

*****New Update : August 21, 2024 (8.5 months later)*****

It's been kind of a long time since I first posted about my ex.

I actually ran into her into a party recently. We talked and were cordial. We didn't talk about Byron, but she was with someone else at the party. She was uncomfortable with me meeting her new guy.

I managed to catch him alone later, and told him about Byron. His reaction was pretty tame, he was like "Shit, really? Well, thanks for letting me know"

Idk what happened after that, but I wasted too much time with my ex, I figured I should help the next guy out.

As for me.

Something I didn't realize is how damn good it feels not to have to worry about my gf anymore.

I'll be honest, even before finding out about the cheating, I never felt quite comfortable with her going out drinking with Byron.

But now?

I feel fucking amazing. I don't have to worry about my gf anymore, and I wish had left her sooner. I'm still dating around, and there has been ups and downs, but being single at this moment, feels so much better than anytime I spent with my ex.

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: Do you feel amazing because you're not with your ex, or do you feel amazing because you told her new beau about Byron? Years ago, my ex cheated with his old high school sweetheart. Several months after I dumped him, I ran into him at the mall with his new girlfriend. He gave me eye contact and made moves like he was going to initiate a conversation. I paid no mind to them and walked away. I wasn't even going to entertain the notion of warning her about him. Complete waste of time and energy. Let Karma do her thing.

OOP: Warning him didn't give any sort of satisfaction.
What made me realize how good I felt is that after seeing her, I got back home, I realized I ain't gotta worry about her.
I don't have to worry if she's getting drunk with Byron, I don't have to gaslight myself by constantly saying, "You can trust her."
Warning her new guy gave me no personal pleasure, I just did it because I wish someone did the same when I started dating her.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

[New Update]: AITAH for losing it and calling my father a weak pathetic man in front of his family?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: emotional and verbal abuse, mental health issues, death of a parent, infertility mockery, assault, ableism

RECAP

: August 18, 2024

My father has always been against any confrontation or arguments. He is extremely passive, refuses to stand up for himself, and avoids any conflict. If someone isn't paying attention while walking and bumps into him, he insist it's his own fault. If his employer would mess up his salary, he wouldn't bother fixing it. If a mechanic didn't properly repair his car, he would just accept it as is.

This unfortunately resulted in a tumultuous childhood with my insanely narcissistic mother. She controlled his every move. She got him to quit his job and be a locked in stay at home dad. She had him do every chore. She insulted him at every step. She cheated on him relentlessly and even brought APs into our home. She enjoyed making his life miserable every day and he never questioned it. My extended family, God bless them, were there for me so many times as much as they could be. They tried for years to make my father leave but he never budged.

When she would direct her anger onto myself, in the form of screaming, insulting or general demeaning, my father never once found the guts to stand up for me or support me. When I was a kid if I cried to dad about something mom did or said to me he would sweep it under the rug or just insist I forget about it. Hell he would even try and justify it.

As I grew older it really set in for me how messed up this was. My mother gladly kicked me out of the house when I was 18 and my father just sat there and looked sullen. Didn't say a damn thing. I joined the Air Force almost immediately and got stationed on the other side of the country. The dynamic was awful and I could have easily gone down the incel route if not for therapy and the amazing people I met along the way.

It took years for me to get in a better mental space. I was filled with hatred. My mother left my father 2 years after I got stationed and utterly destroyed my father in the divorce. She was killed a year later in a DUI with one of her APs. I took alot of joy in hearing that it took her hours to die, and that's when I really knew I needed help to process things. I'm almost 30 now, have a girlfriend who is perhaps the best thing to ever happen in my life, and fully understands the situation with my family. I have learned to not allow myself to be consumed with anger and resentment by my past (or so I thought, you'll see) and instead put that energy to my future.

I have been extraordinarily low contact/ near no contact with my father since I left. As much as I try, I cannot make that connection with him. I recently went to a family reunion and brought my girlfriend with me. My father was there as it was his side of the family. They have many issues with him but he is family so whatever I guess. I made sure to avoid him.

I was chatting with my uncles when I heard my father talk in the background. He was discussing how a coworker of his was going through a divorce as he discovered his wife was having an affair, and was positioned to have a very favorable divorce on his side. My father remarked how his coworker should work instead to forgive his wife and by his own words "set a good example for unity and forgiveness", and how he believed he set a great example for me in that extent.

I swear it was like a switch went off in my head and I was mentally back to being the rage filled 18 year old. All these years and he never learned a damn thing. I turned to him and asked if he was fucking serious. He looked at me and started to stutter. I know the next minute was pure word vomit and I can't relay it perfectly, but to sum it up I shouted how he was a pathetic father, pathetic man, his family all know he's a disgrace of a human being who would rather his son be treated like shit then defend him because he's a fucking coward, no one would ever see him as an example to live by, his wife would rather fuck half the neighborhood then even touch him, and he should never EVER believe anyone respects him

I began to derail and ramble between my shouting and my girlfriend quickly took me out and drove me home. It was insane just how quickly being away from him made me feel better. She just held me when we got back and told me it's OK. Again, best thing to ever happen to me. I was ashamed of how I lost It and am now going to resume my therapy, that's a given. However, I'm glad I finally unloaded ehay always needed to be said onto him

Extended family is pretty mixed with reactions. His brothers/my uncles said it was time for him to hear it from me, my grandparents are pissed I did that in front of the entire extended family, with some saying I should have done that behind closed doors instead of everyone.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA with a few YTAs

Relevant Comments

Mesmerizing-Taylor: It sounds like you finally got to express the pent-up feelings you've carried for so long. While the outburst wasn't ideal, it seems like it was a necessary step towards healing. It's good you're resuming therapy to process this further.

OOP: Yeah afterwords it hit me that although it was very cathartic, It definitely wasn't the most appropriate way to handle it lol

**nevertoomuchthought:**He sounds like a gentle, kind, and well-meaning person. You directed what is very clearly anger and resentment for your mother at him. It's a bit more complicated than being an asshole or not. You seem to have got some catharsis out of it I just don't believe he is the one you really wanted to scream at and from the sounds of it he was also a victim of your mother too. And while he was the adult and should have known better he obviously didn't. Being nonconfrontational isn't some character flaw. It's psychological. And he probably needs therapy himself. Screaming at him and demeaning him actually sounds like something your mother probably did/would do and I worry about you if that is something that actually made you feel better about yourself.

OOP: Yes I fully admit he was a victim of my mother, but he was a victim who had a support system he never wanted to use, he fully let me be a victim my entire childhood because apparently it was too much effort to try, and to this day doesn't believe he needs therapy

nevertoomuchthought: All I can say is based on your post and this interaction is your anger is deeply misguided. And you're failing to recognize the truly horrifying thing. You're behaving like the mother you actually should hate.

OOP: Oh trust me I fully hate her as well, but she is gone, and there is no use in holding a grudge against a dead person. I had hoped though, after his son making him an outsider in his life, his family openly joking face to face about his failings as a father, and his ex wife draining him for everything he had and making him start over in a one bedroom apartment, his friends slowly leaving his life one at a time out of embarrassment, that he would have maybe have at least one moment to reflect and maybe consider he should have done things differently

OOP getting therapy due to his past trauma

OOP: Eh yeah either way I need to hop back on the horse for therapy. It'll be good for me. As for my grandparents, I really have had to look back as to how far this pattern of enabling goes back. I know they all did what they could to try and help, but it always seemed like there were times that more active measures could be taken. Times where people should have been far more stern with his addressing his behavior. The older generation on his side are the classical " they're fanily and we stick together no matter what" and I have to think whether his passivenes and enabling is something he picked up on his own or something he learned from his own parents

: August 20, 2024 (two days later)

Thanks for the advice and recommendations, even amongst some of the YTA. However, some of them needed to he addressed because they were either hilarious or cringe worthy

1. Some of them were very angry, and they kind of confused me at first until I saw their comments further down or saw their profile and saw rants about double standards or complete non sequitur ramblings about women. So yeah, not helpful advice and they were great dark reflections about how I could have turned out if not for the support in my life

2. Some attempted to portray my dad as a humble, kind, caring sensitive old man who I'm just being a big bully to. This was a very good insight into how enablers of abuse get away with so much in todays worls, because so many people forget how they are part of the abuse themselves

3. Some were attempting to mentally dissect me or have a gotcha moment with me to pull apart my story. That was generally asinine and I had to step away from those before they asked for my cranial measurements or something

So it was pretty much immediately when I was up the next morning that I realized I needed to resolve the events of last night. I first spoke to my girlfriend and gave a sincere apology for having her see me like that. She reassured me that nothing was wrong, she'd known me for years and has always known me to be level headed, and understands why I kinda snapped. She herself has a history of dealing with narcissistic family so she absolutely understands the dynamic. She only really told me that it would be best to work on spending time around my extended family since my father will always be there. I told her don't worry, I'm immediately going to talk to them afterwords to figure that out. So that parts fine. Looked like kind of an ass in front of her, but I'm making sure that doesn't happen again. I also informed of her my intentions to resume more therapy just to keep myself steady which she was happy to hear.

I called my grandparents and sincerely apologized as well for putting such a sore dent into their family reunion. That it wasn't appropriate and while I still feel it felt good to say that to him, it should have been privately and not in front of everyone. I also told then that going forward, as much as I love spending time with them, since the family always hangs out in one group that my father will always be in, for now until I can handle being around him, I need to distance myself occasionally until I feel comfortable interacting. I told them that I am nor would I ever be establishing an ultimatum or demands of them, and that either way I need to step back

I guess during my apology and explanation I was kind of just going on a tangent because my grandfather interrupted me to calm down. He told me that after I left, people kind of separated or slowly started leaving, and they eventually were able to talk to my father one on one. I guess seeing me have such a freak out resulted in my grandmother having a mini freak out of her own when she started talking to my father, resulting in her kicking him out. While I have a great relationship with both, my grandmother has always been extra protective of me so seeing me that way must have set off a fire in her.

My grandfather then said that it has become a bit of an open family secret my father's failing. His brothers taunt him about it and generally don't have a great relationship with him, and for my grandparents it's always just uneasy. But seeing me the other day and how it still affects me so much has really liked in for a lot of people that it was really bad. They began to try and say sorry if they didn't do enough, which I very adamantly retorted that they did more than what anyone could have expected.

It was very emotional for a minute, but culminated in then telling me that they have decided to distance themselves from my father for the time being, and have given him the ultimatum that unless he has a deep introspective and regularly goes to therapy, that distance may become permanent. My extended family I've been told, are going to try and reach out or call or whatever, but I asked them if they could relay to them that it's not necessary, and that I'm fine and am sorry to them as well for ruining the day, which again, they told me I shouldn't apologize for being hurt. Since then extended family have sent some messages with the general consensus that it's OK with some older members complaining about my lack of respect towards my father

And finally, I texted my father hoping to meet at a local coffee shop and have a final talk. I met him and he didn't look good. I think his parents tearing into him finally got the message through. I had so may things I could have said, but I instead asked him first thing if the coworker he gave the advice to took it well. He just said that neither him nor several coworkers interact with him anymore. I asked him if he truly 100% believes that every single thing he did for me as a child was for MY benefit. He didn't really say anything. I then finally asked if he has any regrets for how I was treated as a child, and if he thinks he ever did anything wrong. He looked utterly defeated and just mumbled that he could have done more. I could have poked and prodded and could have gone on another rant, but instead I told him this should be goodbye and I hope he gets the help he needs

I think finally unloading my frustrations was what I needed to finally be able to move on and find peace. I absolutely need to keep on track for therapy and admit that a public bitching moment isn't OK, but I should be fine

Comments

atmasabr: This is an interesting one.

The ability to control one's failures (yes that's what I'll call your situation) is very powerful. You'll do all right.

I_wanna_be_anemone: Congratulations sincerely on owning your actions. No matter how justified, you acknowledged your outburst was uncomfortable for others and likely not appropriate in that setting. It takes incredible strength of character to admit your failings even if you have no idea how else you could have reacted in that moment.

That you immediately communicated that to your loved ones is a huge sign of how respectable and genuine you are as a person, I really hope you keep moving forward from this situation with the same mindset. Good luck.

jessicaa_fit: NTA. It sounds like you handled things well after what happened. You took responsibility by apologizing to your girlfriend and family, and it's clear you’re committed to moving forward by focusing on therapy and healing. It’s understandable that you snapped given everything you’ve been through. It’s also clear that your outburst made your family realize the impact your dad’s behavior had on you.

Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’ve done what you needed to do to move on, and it seems like you’re on the right track now.

----NEW UPDATE----

: September 12, 2024 (three weeks later)

Things have progressed over the last couple weeks and I now have broader context about my family

Long sorry short is, there was alot hidden from me, my father was an absolute asshole to his family, and that's why the treat him the way they do

I got alot of feedback including the compilation posts on BestOfRedditorUpdates and BORU, and one thing that stood out was people questioning if my extended family could have contributed to the abuse and that's why he was so feeble. And since I was trying to work on my relationship with my family, I figured it was tike to ask the hard questions before going that far

I met with my dad's brothers who invites me out to a popular lunch spot. For context and clarity:

-Dale is the oldest brother. He is married and has a daughter and a son

-My father is the second oldest. Self explanatory

-John is the second youngest, also married with a son

-Bill is the youngest, married with 3 daughters

So anyways, we met up and I ripped the bandaid off asking about my father growing up, what he was like beyond the basics I know, and what really is going on with their relationship

Dale sighed and bascially summed up that besides what I know, there is alot of backstory I'm unfamiliar with that they never told me about simply because it was never the tike nor the place to. What I've always known is that my father was fairly normal when he was young, a little shy but fantastic academically, played sports occasionally, had a close knit relationship with his brothers, and meeting my mom in high school junior year made everything go downhill

What I didn't know was that my father was a guiding figure for his 2 younger brothers, was generally seen as one of the nicest people, with a bright future ahead of him. My grandparents adored him and he even became a little bit of a golden child but no one minded. The reason his family doesn't respect him is what happened to his behavior when my mother got attached to him

-it first started simple, my mother acted rude and distant to the family. They weren't huge fans but my father loved her so they tolerated it

-she became possessive and slowly isolated my father and convinced him to give up his ambitions and goals. family became concerned and spent a long time trying to talk to him and convince him to leave. My father didn't budge and began to lash out.

-when I was born my extended family tried to talk to my father about my mother's attitude. My father was angry and threatened to report them for harassment. He was in denial about her behavior

-when Dale's wife was having fertility issues, my mother messaged her appalling and cruel things. When Dale was pissed and went to talk to my father, he told Dale to drop it and even justified it. Dale punched him and police almost got involved. Dale hated him going forwards

-John grew to hate him when my mother insulted his son due to mild physical disabilities. My father cracked a joke about what she said. John hated him then

-Finally Bill, who always idolized my father, tried to inform my father that my mother made a pass at him and urged divorce. My father responded with a maddening call of utter hate and relationship ending words

To sum it all up, the more time my father spent with my mother, the more he began to repeat her attitude. When they all signs of abuse to me and tried to intervene, my father threatened to lie, to accuse them of worse things. My mother had money and lawyers and could make their lives hell if they tried and my father would gladly let her. They were stuck and could only do so much at a time

The older members of the family like the grandparents, great and and uncles and such, believe in the traditional mindset of family sticking together no matter what, while the generations further down want to keep a distance from him. They're all stuck between and rock and a hard place

There's more they told me out it was all essentially that my father died on the hill for my mom, ruining his relationship with his brothers in the process. And when she died and destroyed him, he probably had to realize it was all for nothing. My grandparents seem to not want to accept the fact that he was lost, or maybe they hope he can fix his life. Who knows.

This was a lot to process and was only confirmed by my father himself when he called my to ask about family therapy with us. I cur to the chase and asked if what I heard was true. He said yes.

I would have agreed to maybe some family therapy but now I have no idea

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 updates - Short

- 15th September 2024

- 17th September 2024

ULPT Request: Can I legally seize an abandoned vehicle parked in my driveway?

I come home Thursday to find some flagging truck parked in my driveway. After 48hr, yesterday, I call the number on the truck and report it telling them to get it off of my driveway. I even specify I do not want whoever to parked it there to get in trouble, if they had asked I might not have even had a problem with it, I just want it off of my driveway, I do not know who they are or why it's there.

It's clearly a private driveway. They apologize and say they'll send someone to remove it. Today it is still there and before I call the police and have it towed I realized hey, I'd appreciate a new truck. Is it possible to seize this vehicle and take ownership?

Comments

ride_whenever

Send them a parking invoice, odds are they’ll just pay it

OOP: That's a good idea

smokeater12

If they don't pay, place a lien on the vehicle.

OOP: As I understand it I can legally send a bill and request payment but since they didn't contractually agree to anything I think it would be fraud if I tried to enforce it as a legal debt other than perhaps going to civil court (eg, I couldn't legally sell it to a debt collector)

Solid-Consequence-50

Quickly put a sign out saying parking: $500 a day

Onyxxx_13

"Day Rate Parking:

$22.50/hr Sedans $45/hr Oversized Vehicles $125/hr Commercial Vehicles

(Fine print:) Usage of space constitutes agreement with the posted signs, payable within 7 days of usage. Discretion of property owner."

Easy to put up if you know your local sign shop.

OOP: I actually work with the local sign shop lol!

OOP: This seems to be the relevant law in my state in question, as best I can understand it I would need to have the DMV send a certified letter and then after 15 days I can take ownership if it's not removed. I'm not positive on this though and don't want to go through the effort unless I'm correct.

§ 46.2-1202. Search for owner and secured party; notice.

B. If the Department obtains owner or lienholder information as provided in subsection A, the Department shall notify the owner, at the last known address of record, and lienholder, at the last known address of record, of the notice of interest in their vehicle, by certified mail, return receipt requested, and advise them to reclaim and remove the vehicle within 15 days, or, if the vehicle is a manufactured home or a mobile home, 120 days, from the date of notice. Such notice, when sent in accordance with these requirements, shall be sufficient regardless of whether or not it was ever received. Following the notice required in this subsection, if the vehicle remains unclaimed, the owner and all persons having security interests in the vehicle shall have waived all right, title, and interest in the vehicle.

Update - 2 days later

So today it's still out there so I call the local non emergency number and explain the situation. I explained I called and respectfully asked them to move it and it's still there 3 days later. I ask what my legal options are here, is it possible to obtain ownership?

The police says there is not a process for that although I think they just didn't want to facilitate it. I spoke to my uncle earlier today who apparently did just that with another truck that was actually abandoned by a former tenant in my other driveway that I currently park my cars in (the driveway in question is on the other side of the house and I use as overflow or sometimes to do mechanical work).

The police said I can have it towed at this point just by calling a tow company. As I understand the law the police would actually have to call the tow company but I say okay thank you, I didn't intend to actually tow it anyway.

So I look up the rates and the local tow company charges $150 for a hookup and $50/day storage. I call the flagging company back and I explain I called Saturday and the truck is still there. I say the police said I can call a tow company at this point and cite how much they charge but that if they would like to forgo the hookup fee I'll offer them the same $50/day rate, which would you prefer?

They get all excited, get a supervisor, draft an email to the local branch along with notification of my rate which I tell them begins tomorrow morning if they choose to leave it here making it legally enforceable. Just like that they start taking me seriously!

Not 10 minutes later I get a call from a higher up saying my neighbor parked it there and they will move it right now. I say thank you. A few minutes later my neighbor comes knocking and very sincerely apologizes. Just like on the original call I say it's okay, if you had asked I probably would have given you permission, yada yada. I ended up letting her continue to use the driveway because she was respectful and sincere about it but I asked her to move it further back behind the house so as to not inconvenience me and my use of the driveway. No profit but all was resolved well.

Comments

Last_Competition3132

Cool of you to allow your neighbor to use your driveway - but why would she feel entitled to leave it there for multiple days without talking with you?

OOP: I have no idea. Not sure if I said it in the post but even if she left a note on my door it would have been okay. IDK why you'd think it's okay to park in someone's driveway without their permission. I have two driveways and this one is usually empty but it's still clearly mine, you don't just do that.

Boofaholic_Supreme

She threw a smile on her face and took advantage of you

OOP: She honestly looked scared. I said from the very beginning before I knew who it was I probably wouldn't care if they asked, it's a matter of respect and principal, you don't park on someone else's property without their permission.

Spirited-Carpenter19

so she's cute, right?

runningfreeandnaked

Cute girls get away with murder

OOP: She's significantly older than me and married. I told my girlfriend what happened and that I decided to let her park there and she goes "what if it was a man?" Not understanding why she was asking at first I'm like "what do you mean, you think he'd try to fight me?"

classecrified

No spine

OOP: The driveway is unoccupied, at this point I have more to gain by the neighbor looking out for me than kicking them off simply out of principle. It's a second driveway to the other side of my duplex which nobody lives in.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in

Previous BORU . New Update marked with *****

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old and has not been posted to this sub before.

Mood Spoiler: Genuinely happy ending

Original : May 3, 2024

My daughter Ana is 16 years, she was an 'accident' when I was 24, Ana's mother and I were never together as a couple 'cause it was a one-night stand but we have maintained a friendly and healthy co-parenting since she was born and we became good friends.

My daughter's has been living on another continent for a few years with her mother and stepfather, but she wants to comeback because she doesn't feel comfortable there and misses her family and friends, Ana doesn't knows their lenguage well and it's still hard for her to learn it fully so she feels really lonely there since it is different to speak your native language than to make friends by speaking a foreign language from 0.

I spoke with my daughter's mother and we thought it was a good idea to let Ana live with me, her room is now my home office but I can easily put together a room for her again. We didn't confirm anything, I talked to my wife about it first and I was sure that she was going to be okay with that because we literally talked about that possibility before.

The problem is that my wife doesn't want that to happen, my wife and Ana have never been close because they only meet in person for our wedding when I was able to pay a ticket for my daughter to come (That was the last time I saw my daughter in person too, plane tickets are too expensive), but they do tend to talk a little bit when I make video calls with Ana everyday but not too much. Ana also talks to her brother and he likes her a lot even if they just see each other in video call. My wife says Ana is not going to feel comfortable in a house with strangers and I told her that we are literally her family and she said no, she and our toddler are not Ana's family because they barely knows her in person.

It honestly hurts me that she thinks that way but I understand her point of view, altough our toddler IS Ana's brother and it really annoyed me that she said that because our little one really loves his sister even if they just see each other online. I had an argument with my wife about it and I ended up telling her that my daughter will always come first of all, because it's true, for me my children will always come before any other person and she knew very well about my daughter when we married.

My wife got angry and said that bringing Ana home would change how we handle ourselves and that she doesn't want to be a stepmother, she said that Ana lived with her mother in another continent so it's not the same as having her right here everyday. I told her that no one is asking her to be a stepmother because I will be the one who take care of her as always (My daughter used to stay many days and even months with me and I was the one who took care of her, I'm not going to give my wife all the work because I was a 'single father' for a long time and I know how to take care of my daughter. I work, I clean, I cook, I take full care of our son when she works and wants to go out and do something just like she does with me. We both support each other in raising our son, I don't know why many people is so shocked about the fact that I take responsabilidad of my own child) but that if she doesn't respect my daughter's presence in the house and hates it that much then she has all the freedom to go to a hotel room. I was a big idiot because those words obviously ended up really bad and we had a worse argument.

My daughter has every right to live in my house if she wants but my wife doesn't wants that, I really love my wife but my biggest focus is to give the best to my children and I would love to have my princess here after years.

My wife hasn't been talking to me at all and she's very angry, but she does continue with the same stance that she doesn't want Ana here at all and I know i will get angry and we will end up arguing again because I'm not going to leave my daughter alone neither.

Edit: My wife always knew that Ana lived with me several days a week when she was still in the country because I talked with her about that and the possibility of Ana's family returning to the country if things went wrong, that would have meant that Ana would come back to live with me for many days or even months like she always did, my daughter used to come at my house everyday too. My wife agreed with that years ago when we talked about that, but now admits that she thought my daughter was going to stay out of the country with her mother because their business is going really well.

ThrowRA because my daughter uses reddit too. I changed some data to not make it too obvious.

Edit2: Guys, I've been reading the comments non-stop for two hours and I have too much to think about. Thank you very much for the advice, whether bad or good this is helping me to reflect on several things that I did not take into account. But please don't be so harsh because I'm a real person haha

Relevant Comments:

The discussion with his wife:

We had it because she knows that my daughter used to stay in my home before she left the country. My wife says that in her mind my daughter was always going to live with her mother
(to another commenter) She didn't say that when we got married, she said it now. When I told her about that possibility years ago she just said she was okay with it, now she admits that she thought Ana would stay there.

Commenter: If she doesn't change her mind, do you see your marriage lasting?

OOP: To he honest? No, not at all. Even if I love my wife, my daughter no longer feels welcome in her school or comfortable, I don't want her to feel that way here too

Commenter: What are you going to do about the child that you guys share?

OOP: My son would never be homeless, being okay with my wife would be the ideal plan, but if she continues to reject my daughter's presence and we break up, I'm going to make sure I pay her and our son a good place to stay and go for 50/50 custody like I had with Ana or make some kind of cohabitation agreement, I'm going to do the same thing with my son that I did with my daughter which was go see her every day and take care of her, I wouldn't fight with my wife or stress our son out with grown-up stuff.

Commenter: Not picking sides here. But if your wife leaves so does your son. Everyone is screaming put your child first. You may have your daughter full time and your son 50/50. Doubt they would take a toddler away from a woman you say is a wonderful mother. I think the rock and the hard place is a lot harder than you think.

OOP: Yes, I've been thinking about that too. Co-parenting with Ana's mother has always been really easy because we've always been good friends and there was never a fight, but I don't want to think that if I divorce my wife or we break up because of this, I'll have a harder time seeing my son or how the co-parenting would be with her

Commenter: Unless there is something you aren't disclosing about Ana, your wife is of questionable character for not allowing your daughter to live with the family. She is a part of the family whether your wife wants her to be or not.

OOP: I can swear there's nothing I hide about my daughter. She is a good girl and has never had problems with anyone, even at the wedding Ana and my wife got along well. She was a child raised well by me as well as her mother and stepfather

Downvoted Commenter (but I liked OOP's response): You've already chosen your daughter as more important than your wife and son. Your marriage is over.

OOP: You've commented this stupidity twice, and not only you're reflecting your own traumas, but you're also taking things for granted that you have no idea about.
You literally jump to the conclusion that I don't love my son just because I spoke well of my daughter.

Update 1: May 15, 2024 (12 days later- Originally posted on AITAH but taken down)

(I'm sorry but I decided to delete the post because a weirdo started to just spam my private messages with different accounts and I don't know if I can put the account on private or something like that, I don't use this site too much but a bot started sending me messages asking if I needed help so I think my account could get banned because of that person doing this and I'm too old for this so I just rather post the update here where i can at least close the comments. Guess the post will be here if someone cares)

First of all I want to clarify that I am from a third world country, here it is really expensive to get a plane ticket and if I travel I must do it with my wife and our son too so it is TOO much money that we cannot pay. I let my daughter's mother take her to another country because like every father, I want her to have better life opportunities, I don't think that makes me a bad father but I guess the minds that have always lived in privilege don't understand. The last time I could afford some tickets was for my daughter to come to the wedding. Not all of us have the privilege of paying for a plane flight.

I've been thinking a lot and in fact I'm the AH because of the way I treated my wife, Even if most of the comments agreed with me, I don't think it was right to say that to the woman I love even though I was angry.

I apologized to her for what I said and the way I said it but I told her that I don't like it when she ignores me and gives me the cold shoulder when I try to talk about our issues and the fact that she denied the familiarity between our son and daughter was just cruel, she apologized for it and said she was angry and said things she regret.

I made it clear to her that Anna is coming because no one can forbid any of my children to live with me, Not only morally, but legally I am totally obligated to give my daughter and son a house, she tried to argue but I asked her how she would feel if we divorced and my new girlfriend refuses to let our son live with me just because she didn't sign up for it. I asked her if she would appreciate a man who abandons his children for a woman more than a man who cares about his children, if she would feel confident knowing that she is married to a man who abandons his children that easily.

My wife said no, that obviously she knows how much I care about our children and hates the kind of mans who abandons their kids, that she knew she wanted to have a child with me because she saw how even though my daughter was so far away I made video calls to her every day and we always help each other with things around the house. Then I asked her why she rejects the idea of my daughter being here and she admitted being jealous of Anna, it is something that I have noticed in the past. For example, for one of my daughter's birthday I sent money to her mother to buy her a dress that was quite expensive and my wife just said 'I guess you will buy our son something just as expensive' it was my mistake to let those comments pass and think they were just a weird joke.

She said that she doesn't want my daughter to come and took time away from our son, that bothered me and I told her that if we had two children my time would also be divided and that as a father I can give the same attention to both, Changing our routine doesn't have to be a negative thing and she knows that Ana is not a problem teenager.

We talked a lot And I explained to her that I just want to make everything work for both of us, I apologized if I made her feel bad with the way I treated her, and I told her that I want to really hear what things are bothering her so we can understand each other better, we agreed to have better dialogue and communication about this kind of things. My wife admitted that her jealousy is wrong and feels embarrassed about it but it's how she feels and she feels awful for feeling like that, I told her that feeling isn't right, being jealous of my daughter isn't right and I told her that it would be okay to start going to the psychologist if we want to fix this because I'm not going to leave my daughter live in a place where she doesn't feel loved, my wife accepted after talking about it a lot these days and she wants to work on herself about that because doesn't like feeling like that about a little girl and knows it's wrong.

My wife and daughter always had a nice treatment, when I make video calls with Anna, my wife usually talks a little but not that much, I think my mistake was not offering my wife to make video calls alone with Anna like Anna does with my toddler sometimes. My daughter really likes my wife and calls her 'auntie' even if they don't know each other too well, so I don't want her to know how my wife really feels about her.

I offered my wife to teach her how to play the same video game I play with my daughter so they can play together and get to know each other more, I know Ana would love that! They both have a lot of same intereses, she accepted and said she loves me and wants to try it for me and for our toddler.

If I leave my wife I would be breaking my son's house, he's my baby too and the last thing I want is letting adult matters affect him, I don't want to do that and I love this woman, I want this to work and I'm going to do my part for it but the first moment she treats my daughter badly, I will end things with her and I clarified that to her and she was right with that and promised me to work on this.

I still haven't confirmed anything to Ana's mother about the date on which our daughter can come since I need to fix the room for her first and I want my wife and little girl to get to know each other better, talking about it with my psychologist, he told me that the best thing is always to get them closer little by little before Ana comes to live here. This last four days my wife and Ana have been talking longer and I told Ana that we could teach my wife how to play with us, Ana feels really comfortable talking with my wife and they started talking about random things which I feel out of because I don't understand about the things they talk about, but I'm pretty glad to see that they actually have things to talk about.

I suppose a lot of people are going to call me an idiot for not divorcing my wife because that was what most of the comments told me, but it's not all that simple as "Yeah, we argued so let's get divorced and have 50/50 of custody" And I personally think it's been better for us to have spoken up like mature people instead of just getting divorced. Seeing that my wife has opened up to me and is trying to work things out, I prefer to give this a second chance and hope that she can see my daughter as her friend and even as her family if she allows it to herself. "Your wife is going to treat your daughter badly" No one can read the future to say that but I can work to make that future not happen, in the meantime I prefer to maintain a positive approach since my wife has never behaved badly with my daughter and my daughter knows that if she feels uncomfortable, she knows she can talk about it with her mom, stepdad, or me as we always teach her to talk to us about anything that makes her uncomfortable. Ana has a sharp tongue so I doubt she'll stay quiet if my wife makes any comments that make her uncomfortable.

I'm not going to force them to be bestfriends, I want them both to flow on their own. I'm also not going to use my daughter as a free babysitter as many in the comments suggested as a supposed solution And both she and her brother can live in this house as long as they want.

Edit: In the previous post several people said that my wife also made a post here but it's false, she doesn't use this site

Edit: I don't understand why, but I've been getting a lot of Notifications from that bot from a redditor who thinks I need help and private spam messages from different accounts created literally today. I really don't know who's doing this and I don't understand what's the fun of annoying like that, just block me.

Relevant Comments (from deleted AITAH post):

Commenter: [...] If your wife doesn't get over her jealousy though - you're gonna have to make a choice. Hopefully, since she took ownership of how awful what she said/did was - she'll become better.

OOP: Yes, I have made it clear to my wife that my decision will always be to protect my children from any person or situation so if her jealousy returns, there will be no third chance.

Commenter: Do you plan on leaving your daughter alone with your wife?

OOP: For now they have video calls with me, if my daughter wants to have video calls only with my wife, then they will have video calls alone. My daughter is smart and has a sharp tongue, if she feels uncomfortable with anything my wife does she will tell me or her mother or stepfather about it.

Commenter: I meant when she comes to stay with you, would you feel comfortable with leaving your wife alone with your daughter?

OOP: If my wife continues to improve her behavior and continues to be open to having a close relationship with my daughter, yes, the ideal is that as I said in the post.
That is precisely the reason why they are making video calls together, so that not only me but also that they feel comfortable with each other when they live together.

Commenter: Just because she's ok doing video calls with your daughter and being nice to her, doesn't mean she's going to be the same when your daughter is in her home, especially when she doesn't want her there.

OOP: And it doesn't mean she'll treat her badly, either. Neither you nor I know the future and we could assume all night about what will happen, I prefer to think about the best for all the members of my family and trust that my wife wants to improve for herself and others with professional help.

Wife needs to know she can talk to you if she's uncomfortable. This probably won't end well.

OOP: My wife knows she can talk to me about whatever she wants, as I said in the post, she has opened up to me about what she really thinks And we've been having a sincere dialogue.

Update 2: June 23, 2024 (1.5 months from OG post)

I didn't really think about updating again but I remembered that I have the account and I thought "Why not?" since I have free time in this moment while I take care of my toddler.

My daughter and my wife's relationship is going very well, they both make video calls to watch some series together that they both like, they have even started to have inside jokes that I don't understand but I think that's something good although to be honest now I feel a little left out (just joking).

My wife has been going to the psychologist (and me too, I want both of us to get better together) to work on her insecurities and problems because she knows that feeling jealous of my daughter is not good at all and a few weeks ago she talked to my daughter about her feelings towards her and apologized, my daughter was quite surprised to learn that my wife felt this way but accepted the apology and told her that she understands her. I left them talking alone that day so they have privacy and after that they have had a closer bond, my wife said that my daughter told her that she will always respect someone who is sincere and wants to be a better person.

In the previous post many said that I decided to bring my daughter without talking about it with my wife before but that's LITERALLY what I did, I never confirmed anything to the mother of my daughter until I spoke with my wife (I was never the partner of my daughter's mother, Btw. Many comments mentioned her as my ex wife but we were never anything).

The talk about bringing my daughter back was paused because I wanted them to know each other better before living all together but my wife started to talk about how she wants to decorate the bedroom and rejected all my ideas because they're too "boring for a girl" So she's having fun re-decorating the room with our toddler who's really happy to see his sister in person.

We still didn't arranged a date because my daughter's mother have to talk with her high school for the problems there and everything and I have to prepare everything here too but all is going well step by step.

Edit: this is actually a second update but the first one it's on my profile

Comments on different posts:

How can you live somewhere where you can see a psychologist but airfare is expensive?

Here the op (I received a notification of the post), In my country there is something called "obra social" which gives me, my wife and my kids free private health care and therefore also to be able to go to a psychologist for free.

Flights are only $1000 to Europe (this commenter is pulling information out of their ass)

You have the privilege of earning in dollars and not having a totally devalued economy, I don't. :)
Here are many people who make less than $250 monthly. My daughter lives in another continent, not Europe.

*****New Update : September 12, 2024 (2.5 months later)*****

Hello! I just wanted to have one last update before deleting the account since I don't see the point of continuing to have it haha

My daughter has been living with us for weeks now, my wife and she get along well. Her little brother adores her and they can finally spend time together in person he's really excited to have her home now.

My wife has been working a lot on herself and I have noticed how much she changed in a good way and how her relationship with my daughter is good, I noticed it especially when we went to pick up my daughter at the airport and my wife was very excited to see her, they had been watching movies together online for months. She is no longer jealous of my daughter and although it is a process that takes time, I know that she is making an effort.

My daughter has not started school here so she will have to wait until next year, anyway, we decided to bring her now since in a few months the tickets will be much more expensive. It was my wife the one who told me that and that she felt ready to spend time in person with her. I was really happy to hear her say that, I didn't expected her to already feel ready to tell me that.

My daughter lived in a country in Asia, altough it was a really beautiful and safe country, it was very difficult for her to adapt and there bullying is something very serious, much more so towards her who had so much difficulty with the language. Sometimes she obviously misses her mom but they texts a lot, I try to spend as much time as I can with her so that she doesn't miss her mother and stepfather too much. I also take her to see our relatives and she has met my wife's family as well.

But in general I know that she feels happy here and she has told me that she missed her grandparents, uncles and cousins. The whole family is very happy that she is back here.

My wife and I are doing great! And I've also worked on myself by going to therapy, now we talk a lot whenever something bothers us or we have some discontent. I think the key is that we can communicate even if they are dark thoughts. I know that she is a good person and like everyone, she has dark thoughts but she is a good person because she works on improving herself and I'm doing that too. I love her and I know she's a good mother who wouldn't treat my daughter badly.

I like to take care of our children, take care of them, clean and cook for them although sometimes I find it hard to understand that my daughter now does all that by herself and I don't have to do it haha but she is still small in my eyes just like her brother.

Anyway, I'm sorry if it's a boring update and everyone expected me to divorce my wife but things are like this :) Luckily we are starting to solve our problems. They now have a relationship of friends and I like that if they are happy like that

Editor's note: OOP only replied to a downvoted comment on this post. I appreciated his thoughts and wanted to include them, but they are not necessary to read.

OOP: My wife is not a villain who is hiding her true evil plan. I prefer to trust what I see and know: my daughter feels comfortable and happy around my wife and my wife feels the same.
My daughter is not paying for anything, she is happy and knows that if something bothers her she can talk about it to her mother, stepfather or me. People change, I'm sorry you've never experienced to see that change.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

[New Update]: I kept a diary to track my wife's affection towards me, and it is as bad as I tell her it is

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: spousal neglect, mentions of past child abuse

RECAP

: August 15, 2024

I (34M) and my wife (43F) have been together for 16 years and married for 7. We have a 4-year-old daughter.

After the first few years where my wife was very kind, present, loving, and affectionate, things have changed a lot: I rarely receive kisses from her, let alone hugs or kind words. She doesn’t ask how I am in the morning, let alone say good morning or good night.

I am tired of this.

I have told her in every possible way that, as a man, I need these expressions of love to feel loved.

Her excuse is that she is too stressed because of the child (but these things were happening even before our daughter was born) or that everything depends on my behavior towards her; every time, it always depends only on me.

When we argue about this, she says I’m exaggerating.

Tired of arguing about this for a year, I have recorded in a diary all her expressions of love over the past month. Here you see a screenshot.

I know it may seem exaggerated, but believe me, I am exhausted and don’t know how else to show her the lack of love I feel from her.

Can you tell me if you, who have a beautiful marriage and are deeply in love with your husband/wife, have so few demonstrations of affection during the month?

What I don’t understand is that, sexually, things are fine and we have sex 2-3 times a week, sometimes initiated by her.

I am fed up; I don’t feel loved as I would like, and I have lived like this for many years and now I can’t take it anymore. Please don’t get mad at me, everyone needs their own time to understand certain things, and I realized this over the past year.

I am a romantic, passionate, and attentive man. Normally, I can give 5-6 hugs a day, kisses, compliments, surprises, and I can talk about anything and discuss things in different ways. However, being treated like this makes me shut down and withdraw because of the lack of reciprocity.

I am seriously thinking of divorcing because I don’t feel heard or understood. I don’t see a person who understands and takes action to change the situation.

Relevant Comments

What is the breakdown of the sacred chores or household work

I'm doing 50/50, working, watching the kid, trash, laundry, blah blah blah. The fact is that even before the kid she behaved like that. I don't want my wife to be my mommy and I'm fully capable to live alone and do everything (because I already had)

GoldPeaco: "or that everything depends on my behavior towards her"

Can you elaborate on this one?

OOP: Basically we're running in this circle until some months ago: I don't receive what I ask (affection) and I'm treated poorly so after a long time of patiently waiting for change I stonewall / get offended. We have a fight because of this. She says she has enough of the stone walling and me being offended because it hurts her. We end the fight with me being the one that "swallows it" and try to let it go, I try to tell her what is causing this and to take action. Time passes and we're again from the start. Some months ago I read about stonewalling and how bad it is so I ended it but still, it's really hard for me to get through this lack of affection. The problem is that I've been also treated very bad during this fights: yelled at, called names, divorce threatening by her side. I'm hurt on so many levels.

OceanPoet87: What are you doing to love her back? I feel like the diary can backfire because it focuses your emotions on her actions rather than on what you can control.

OOP: The diary is about facts not my emotions, if I receive no hugs for 5 days in a row it's no hugs for 5 days in a row. I tell her I love her, I tell her how beautiful she is, I joke with her, I buy her preferred premium soda when I do groceries, I ask her how she feels when she's ill and I take care of her. But do I feel reciprocated? Nah

OOP elaborate more:

Exactly this! I feel felt with this comment. Even if we have a difficult 4 yo child I mean, we have a lot of relaxed moments where I do kiss her, hug her for some seconds, tell her something nice. It is impossible that she's so stressed that she can't even hold my hand for some seconds.

I think that the issue with her is that she comes from a family where the father was really abusive (hitting, calling name, etc) and in constant fight with the mother (cheating). I think that she received love from her mother but she didn't from his father and that's the result. But from the other side I don't understand how she could give me what I needed the first 1/2 years of the relationship... just because it was new?

I also asked how her 2 previous relationships were with the partners, if they complained about these things, but she says they didn't and that she was giving them hugs etc (but in this case they were 3/4 years older than her)

Commenter: I'm not saying you were immature for your age, but you were still an 18 year old. You can only be so mature at that age, you know? I'm saying she had to be very immature for her age because it doesn't make sense otherwise. There had to be some manipulation there from her that you missed because you were an unassuming young man. Like you said, she had experience from previous relationships. She knew how to woo you in and get you to commit.

OOP: Thanks, but why would a nice 27 yo woman pursue a 18 yo and manipulate him and get him to commit? what are your hyphoteses? Thanks

OOP: But again, if you're 27, young and beautiful, won't you be able to do the same to same age men like you or older? They also already have everything in their life

Commentor: No, because older men have more experience too and are harder to manipulate. Maybe they didn't want her for a reason? Maybe they saw she didn't have enough to offer for a long-term relationship? I'm just guessing, only you know the truth

OOP: So you think they already understood her lack of affection and attention for a long-term relationship? The issues I'm having right now? I always thought that she doesn't have respect for me because (also) of the age gap so she doesn't treat me well...

Commentor: When you think back to getting married, did she lack affection the majority of the marriage? If so, then yeah, I'd guess the other men probably noticed early on and didn't want to put up with it. If you feel she doesn't respect you, then that is a whole other problem do you feel she looks down on you?

OOP: Yep she did, I don't know how they were able to spot this

OOP responds to multiple comments regarding the age gap, him being 18 and her at 27 at the time

She was not pursuing me, we just met in chat back in the old days, we talked and talked and then the interest born. She was very skeptical to consider me seriously because of the age but after some time she did, we met, we engaged. Could you please elaborate on "Feel like the age gap could play a huge part"? What is you POV?

I was way more mature at my age because of my hard life before 18, so I wasn't an immature 18 year old freshman. I get your point, but you're missing some info. Maybe I was more mature and she was less mature? But still, I don't get why she had 2 relationships with guys 3/4 years older than her

So you think they already understood her lack of affection and attention for a long-term relationship? The issues I'm having right now? I always thought that she doesn't have respect for me because (also) of the age gap so she doesn't treat me well...

Did OOP do something for his wife and if so, what was her response?

OOP: Yes, 2 months ago I even questioned myself to the point I treated her like a princess for 2 weeks straight: not getting offended, telling her constantly how I love her, how sexy she is, hugging, kissing a lot of times with hearth but what I received in return? Just 2 compliments and 1 "I love you" in 2 weeks. After this I felt so bad and not reciprocated that I decided to not do this "test" (if you want to call it this way) anymore. It hurt too much

: August 18, 2024

These days, after publishing the post, I've spent a lot of time reading online, watching reels, watching YouTube videos to better understand my situation, and thanks to one of these, I discovered the issue of Avoidant Attachment Style.

I was stunned by how closely my wife fit the description, and I set out to thoroughly study the case.

I also identified other things I should do in my relationship: set clear boundaries, demand that my requests are understood, respected, and fulfilled, stand firm in my position, and if necessary, make it clear that I am willing to leave.

I showed the Excel sheet to my wife the next day.

Her first response was, "But yesterday we cuddled." I told her, "Look at the facts over the past month, there are things you never do and the few things you do are a result of my complaints or arguments. They’re not debatable, I’m sorry."

Then I told her what I discovered and how she fits into the case, I read her the main characteristics of these people and the types of traumas they have gone through in their lives. I explained to her (knowing her personal family story) that this was mainly thanks to the abuse she received when she was a kid from her parents. My wife was stunned and listened, then asked me, "So what should I do to solve this?"

My answer was "I don't know" because I really don't know. The thing I do know, and what I told her, is that these problems were generated in her childhood and need to be addressed now.

I'm now informing myself about the options available to solve or at least alleviate these issues. Sadly we have difficult schedules so a therapist is now off the table.

During the day I cried a lot because finally, after 16 years, I understood why we had these problems. A strong sadness came over me because I recalled all the situations where I was treated badly, with indifference, and did not receive the affection I wanted. I also remembered all the lies and manipulations used over time to cover up her shortcomings.

I think the first step is to focus on myself and solve my own problems since I developed an Anxious Attachment Style. I'll probably use an online course and books to do this since I have very little time between my daughter and work.

If it works, I will propose it to my wife, who says, "I understand, don’t worry, now I know what I need to give you without courses or anything," but I have serious doubts about this statement and will continue to track what happens in my diary to have objective data.

I’ve already told her that if, unfortunately, this situation doesn’t resolve, I will proceed with divorce, and when I do, if forced, I won’t go back.

That will be the end.

I will also follow the excellent advice from in the meantime.

I will let you know what happens.

Personally, I want to see how things go next week. I am sure (unless I am mistaken) that my wife will only last three days. In any case, I will continue on my path to heal and be ready for a new relationship when the time comes.

Stay tuned.

If anyone has experience with a spouse healing from an Avoidant Attachment Style please let me know!

: August 23, 2024

So, as expected my wife lasted less than 3 days, actually just 1 (in terms of giving kisses, hugs, cuddling).

But it doesn't matter, I found all the things I need to fix in me so I'm starting the journey alone in order to grow and be able, without hesitation, to proceed with a divorce and don't go back to her.

I'm also seeing a lawyer to have everything checked before I proceed in the future.

The interesting thing is that I listed all my insecurities and issues related to the trauma I experienced in my childhood and I see a lot of thing that I need to work about and to fix in me

I asked out of curiosity to my wife what are the top 3 things she things should be fixed (expecting them to be at least 10 items) but she just told me that defensiveness and stonewalling are the only two things and that, without them, I would be a perfect husband.

I was stunned and confused the whole day. I also asked her if removing these 2 things would result in her loving me more, but she told me no because she already loves me the way I am and this is just my cross...

So it seems she's happy with the marriage while I'm not. I want more from a relationship, at least the basic caring of a wife

I don't think I'll give you any other update because I'll be focused improving things in myself, but once the times come for me to proceed with the divorce, I'll let you know what happens

Stay tuned

Relevant Comments

OOP responds on how he is moving forward and working on himself

Thanks for sharing your story. While I'm trying to start my healing process I'm literally crying every day preparing myself for divorce. The probability of her change is less than 1% and the issues we have are deep rooted in the past. I tried everything to get her attention, I gave her all the love I could possibly give, I tried so many times to accomodate to her way of being but I have enough. I'm heart broken. My dear wife, my dear lovely wife, my first woman in my life. I did everything I could to love her with all my heart and be recognised for this, loved for this. Every small bid for attention is lost in the dark. I'm really heart broken, I'm just preparing myself for the divorce, trying to cry out all the tears before I finally tell her I'm leaving. It's one of the most difficult things to do in my life, and believe me, I did crazy and difficult things in the past. This one is probably going to kill me but I need to proceed. I can't live like that any longer and I don't want my child to see and become like this because the chances for her to find a good partner will lower considerably...

Did OOP try to connect with his wife over the years, being affectionate in their marriage?

OOP: Yes I tried that for a couple of years, also during covid, but man, it was hell. Me just working, playing video games till 1/2 in the morning, sometimes watch a movie with her where she always fell asleep... no real connection. Just me doing something and she on her phone... I remember one time one friend of ours saying that he was about to disconnect from the game because he was "requested" by his girlfriend that wanted to stay with him and watch something together... I tried this but it feels to me like I'm always missing something, I don't have that deep connection, I'm alone, and feel alone. Then, when we have arguments, I have no love bank filled to be able to face that (you know sort of: ok you're mean to me but 3 hours ago you were kissing me telling me I love you), I have only negative feelings. Also this way of being it's not me. I want to feel wanted. I want to be cuddled. I need love. If I'm feeling bad I want someone being able to hug me and tell me "sweetheart don't worry, everything is going to be all right". She never does this, instead says things like "level up" "life is hard blah blah blah". I know that it's her traumas and I don't have any resentment towards her. I just can't keep up with this. Also I love to give love, stopping from doing this is devastating. I also have other issues like she almost never initiate any discussion, doesn't allocate time for me, it's always me chasing her and I have enough of it. Sex can't be our only way of connection. She's always with me but her mind is somewhere else. I tried to enter in her mind, but no luck in 16 years.

It's been a full year that I'm talking about this issue with my wife. And she frequently denied it by saying things like "it's not true" "tomorrow I'll show you" "this very morning I gave you a kiss, I'm affectionate", "see other couples they don't engage any more after all these years", blah blah blah. How would you feel after 1 full year of sweet attempts to talk about an issue? And frequently she would say that her lack of affection is due to me doing x y z. I'd to create the spreadsheet to have EVIDENCE of an issue. And the evidence shows that the affection I receive it's only when I have a fight with her or I complain the day before. 1 day of change followed by weeks of nothing. It bothered her and she was angry, sure, I get the frustration of seeing something like that, but does she get my 1 year frustration? And I'm not threatening divorce over a spreadsheet, I'm threatening over 1 year of trying to talk and solve the issue. I could've said just "I'm done, bye bye" 1 year ago, I rather fought with everything that came to my mind

Yeah, so I created a spreadsheet after months, months, of no affection. So you could create a spreadsheet with 0 in every cell for 90 days. You don't know what you're talking about and surely you don't know what it feels like to receive no affection in a marriage for so long. Do I have personal issues and traumas? Yes Sir, and I'm going to address them. Does my wife have issues and traumas? Yes Sir, but is she going to do something about it? Nope (at least this will be the most probable scenario). So hence the divorce so she can provide her careless to whoever she wants to

----NEW UPDATE----

: September 12, 2024

I decided to write an update on my story and let you know how things are going.

Previous post ->

I began my journey of shadow work on my own. I thoroughly read about how to do it, studied everything carefully, and started confronting (with much pain) my past and what I experienced in my family of origin.

The first thing I realized was this very clingy and needy part of me that craved love, a bit too much, and I understood what a wounded and defenseless child lived inside me. I realized I needed to embrace him, hold him, and take care of him myself, as I was the only one who could give him unconditional and always available love.

It might sound strange, but realizing this allowed me to somehow talk to my deep self, embrace him, and make him understand that now I comprehend, I am here, I protect, and I am here for him.

From that moment, I stopped seeking attention from my wife, a total reset, and with the new love I now know how to show myself, I feel calm, secure, and most importantly, no longer needy.

I stopped seeking my wife entirely, no kisses, no hugs, no sweet words, and zero conversations initiated by me. If she wants to, she can do it, otherwise, I am no longer interested. I am happy with myself.

In the two weeks this has been happening, she hasn't complained about anything. This made me realize that my hypotheses regarding her type of attachment were correct.

After realizing this, I understood almost all the things that trigger me in my marriage and why, linking them to the traumas I experienced in the past.

I first tackled the issues of criticism and stonewalling.

I discovered that because of how my mother treated me and all the physical and verbal abuse from my stepfather (who hated me), I was always hyper-vigilant in trying to understand if I was in danger and if anyone wanted to harm or criticize me.

I suffered immensely reliving all this again, but I managed to understand why I was triggered, reasoned about why all this happened, tried to put myself in my mother’s and stepfather’s shoes to understand why they became the way they did (I know both of their childhood stories), and I have radically desensitized myself from this.

Without going into details, I told my wife that I resolved that one problem she always talked to me about, and to see the results in the following days.

In the following days, there were countless situations where I would normally have exploded and/or stonewalled, but I got through them calmly and unscathed, without being triggered. Even in important situations.

This made me happy because I realized how much my past was negatively impacting my present.

Unfortunately, although we no longer have frequent arguments with my wife, she hasn't had significant changes. I just saw her happier and calmer, but she hasn't changed at all. I had asked her before starting this journey if resolving this issue would make her the loving, present, in-love woman from 2008 again. She said yes, but I have yet to see any changes.

Some evenings she has come to hug me for barely 3 minutes, once she gave me a quick kiss calling me love, that's it.

It’s okay, at the moment the focus is that I need to heal.

What surprised me the most instead was the rapid response of my 4-year-old daughter. Becoming calmer and more confident, I saw a surge in her tranquility and happiness, and now she wants to play and spend time with me much more willingly. She immediately noticed the change and feels very secure with me. This filled me with joy, and I bonded even more with her.

Continuing the shadow work, I am now dealing with another theme: the constant arguments and rejections from my stepfather whenever I asked for something.

Every time I asked for something, like going out with friends, going to eat a pizza, playing soccer, or some money to buy a sandwich in the evening, there were always constant arguments where he said no, I had to fight with him, argue endlessly. Besides the many noes, he always repeated that the NOs were tied to things I hadn’t done or things I had done wrong. I won't go into details now because otherwise, this post would become too long, but believe me, he hated me to death and nearly drove me to suicide.

Reliving all this crap, I understood the dynamics in the relationship with my wife who, although she does a lot wrong, always tells me that everything depends on me and what I did/didn't do with her.

I am almost done addressing this aspect, the rejections from my stepfather, my inferiority, anxiety, low self-esteem, and little by little, I am discovering a sea of self-esteem, grit, determination, and anger that lies within me.

With my wife, I am becoming a different person: confident, strong, understanding her needs as well. In these two weeks, I have experienced a calm and serenity that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Zero arguments with my wife and zero dramas.

But unfortunately, there is a but.

As you know, we have a stressful situation with our daughter, and sometimes the days are very heated. Like 2 days ago.

In one of these, my wife verbally insulted me, using various bad words, but I confronted her (without using bad words or anything) that she can save that behavior for her street friends, not for me, her husband (I hadn’t done anything wrong in that situation). The next day we had another situation where she physically threatened to slap me, again I wasn’t scared but rather, a strong anger and desire to defend myself arose within me. I told her that she absolutely must not dare, and I no longer tolerate these things, I am not the same person anymore, and I am not afraid of her.

So my life now is really heated with many problems and changes happening, doing this shadow work hurts, but the results are there and are evident.

I am finally understanding myself, helping myself, my self-esteem is rebuilding, and it is drastically changing my family dynamics.

I am also going to the lawyer next week to clearly understand my situation and what a divorce would entail regarding my daughter, money, and other factors.

Finally, I am no longer afraid of being left or leaving my wife, which is what has held me back for 16 years from taking this step if necessary.

I’ll end with two things:

1. I hope to heal quickly, now that I am healing I can more easily recognize my wife's problems and how to help her. I aim to be at least 90% healed before explaining to her how I resolved my issues and what I am now.

2. Many of you criticized me for my Excel diary, but it was useful to do it, not so much for my wife, but for me. Now that I recognize my flaws, insecurities, fears, anxieties, and triggers, I know what to work on.

Until next time!

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: I'm using the time to heal, having someone who triggers you helps you understand better yourself. Once I'm healed and I'm sure, I can proceed with the divorce with calm and serenity, if things don't improve. She needs to heal as well but now I'm not in the position to tell her anything or to expect anything, first I need to heal. If she decides that she is ok the way she is then a bye bye is guaranteed.

OOP on what resources he used to deal with his trauma

OOP: Nothing specific, I'm just using a moleskine and a pen. I'm exploring my traumas with 5 questions:

1. What am I doing right now? And I explain what triggers me, how, what are the emotions involved, what are the people involved. I try to be as honest as possible

2. What are the past experiences that lead me to this behaviour? I explore my child trauma related to this behaviour, what happened, just stating facts I remember and connecting the dots

3. Why this happened? Where I explore the people involved (mostly my mother and step father). I put myself in their shoes and understand their trauma and POV, so they no more are monsters now but simple grown children with traumas and issues. I then have compassion for them and I forgive them

4. What did I understand? Where I reason on what I understood by answering the 3 questions above

5. What do you want to say to yourself? Where I talk to myself and I hug myself and explain to myself that is ok to feel the way I feel, that I'm strong now, that I'm here for me

And then I feel "free"

DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED

SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED

: September 19, 2024

It has been 7 days and I want to give you an update on how things are going.

The last post is this one ->

I'll break it down into points to make it easier to read:

1) My Healing Process

It’s going really well, I’ve dealt with more issues from my childhood and all of this has given me incredible confidence and self-esteem.

After years of hating myself and calling myself awful names, I looked in the mirror and loved myself. I actually said: “I love you, and you are the most important person in my life. I love you exactly as you are, with your strengths and weaknesses.”

These were the words I always sought from a woman, but my wife never said or made me feel this way. I did it for myself.

Now that I’ve matured, I’ve become a man for the first time. I realized that no one was going to come help me and that it was all and only up to me. I understood that everything is my sole responsibility, and I alone can change what happens in my life.

From this moment on, when I have difficult and sad times because of my situation, I no longer end up in despair. I’m there to console myself and lift my spirits. This is so new for me that I’m genuinely happy for the first time in my life.

In the coming weeks, I’m tackling the remaining issues. I think I’ll be done in 1-2 weeks.

Why is everything progressing so quickly? Because I’m extremely clear about my problems, I have the will to descend into hell each time to face everything again, and I know how to proceed (I described it last time).

2) Relationship with My Daughter

My daughter is quickly understanding who’s taking control and leading this family. I’ve noticed that she has started to respect me more, look for me more, and trust me more. She is the one who’s grasping what’s happening the fastest.

I am falling more and more in love with my daughter, and I’m realizing how much my personal self-esteem issues were negatively impacting her life. Now that I’m healing, she’s healing too.

I’m over the moon about this.

3) Relationship with Others

I’ve stopped being a people-pleaser. I no longer care about looking nice, being agreeable, or thanking people too much.

Simple, precise, and well-formulated interactions without fear. I don’t even recognize myself.

Every time I act differently from the past, I feel a fire of self-esteem inside that confirms what I’ve resolved in my mind.

4) Relationship with My Wife

Obviously, it’s not going well, which shouldn’t come as a surprise. I’m discussing everything with my lawyer to prepare for the divorce (in my country, there are specific laws and situations to be aware of).

My wife is not taking the power shift well, but:

The disrespect has decreased. I no longer accept being yelled at in the face—it’s unacceptable.

After several times of trying to calm her down, she threatened me, saying that we need to talk about going our separate ways, that the chances she gave me have run out, that it’s necessary to separate for the common good, etc.

One particular day, she mentioned it several times in the afternoon, and I replied: “Okay, let’s talk. I agree; we should go our separate ways. I need a real woman who loves me. I don’t need to stay with you.”

Each time, she watched my reactions. By the evening, she was silent and didn’t say anything. Two days later, she said again that we should talk about separation, and I again said, “Okay, no problem.” This morning, she put on makeup (I ignored her) and came to give me a kiss, saying that for the sake of the family, we need to give the relationship another chance.

However, I have understood what happened and why I’m in this situation:

When we met, I was 18 years old and insecure. I felt ugly, lonely, and miserable in my family home and was desperately looking for a woman to be with.

She is very beautiful and probably, after two relationships with bad boy archetypes where she was treated poorly and many dates with people with healthy attachments who recognized her (avoidant attachment) and didn’t continue, she found me: an insecure, good guy with nice ideals to drain all the love and sweetness she could, offering me only her beauty and sex as a reward.

Without the need to invest herself, without the need to commit to this relationship.

I was very hurt to discover all of this, but we move forward. Sometimes I am angry with her, other times I think about how “broken” I was, and it was my fault too. But it doesn't matter; my healing process moves forward and takes precedence.

To remove further power from her, I told her that I no longer want to have sex with her. I don’t intend to let my mind get clouded by sex. I need a person who loves, esteems, and cares for me 24/7. Then sex happens because it is the cherry on top of all the love, not a tool to control me.

Until next time!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for lying to my family about the gender of my baby?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: favoritism

Sept 12, 2024

I am 11 weeks pregnant with our third child. We have two boys already (2 and 4). Both sides of grandparents don’t know we are pregnant yet, and we found out today that our third will be a GIRL (via MIPT testing which is over 99% accurate)! This would be very exciting for both sets of grandparents BUT we are considering telling them all that we are pregnant with our third boy instead. The reasons are:

• My MIL literally yelled “NOOOOOOOOO” when we told her the gender of our second boy (having kept the first a secret). She has also told me multiple times I need to give her a granddaughter and thus far I’ve told her she gets what she gets and doesn’t get upset, and that if she wanted a girl she should have had it instead of just having one boy (my husband).

• We know that MIL will start sending clothes (she lives in a different country to us) as soon as she finds out (she even sent girls clothing hopefully for our first not knowing he was a boy), and we are conscious of how our two boys will feel about things arriving for the new baby and not them - the sending wouldn’t be as extreme for a third boy as we already have lots of boy stuff

• I want to avoid the drama and upset of MIL treats unborn baby girl more favourably than she did my boys (she already shows extreme favouritism to her favourite niece over other girls and boys in the family and sees nothing wrong with it

• We want to avoid MIL coming to our country for the birth (she came a few months later for our boys) as we want to get settled and think if it’s a girl she will want to come ASAP

• Our eldest was born “code blue” and required resuscitation, and before him, we had a miscarriage, and I’m worried about the added pressure on me to birth the first granddaughter from our parents

• We think it would be really exciting once born if she’s a big surprise for both sides as she will be the first granddaughter on both sides

We can’t say we don’t know because we are both type A and they know we would know and we did with the first two too.

We are worried though by telling our parents she’s a boy, when she isn’t, that they will buy gendered clothing though, or that they will be mad at us for lying for 6 months. Is this going to backfire on us?

Would we be the assholes? Any advice would be appreciated.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Trevena_Ice

INFO: Why not just say 'hey, we are not telling anyone the gender because of the way some people reacted by our second baby. So yeah, you will find out, when the baby is there' and then let everyone else think if this means it is a girl, a boy or twins.

Lying could lead to a bad start for your little girl. As people could be upset and do you really want some family to cut you out, after finding out you lied to them for 8 months? So don't say anything.

OOP

They definitely wouldn’t cut us out. It wouldn’t be that extreme at all. But I get what you’re saying. Not telling them just means we have six months of people trying to trip us up.

~

skellywars

Based on what OP has said though, MIL sounds like the pestering type. As well as the type to assume that it’s a girl because they’re not telling. I agree that they shouldn’t have to lie, but this family dynamic sounds stressful in general with trying to manage entitled personalities 😅

OOP

Yep. Exactly. If we don’t say, and they will know we know, because this is our third and we always do all the genetic testing, my mum will CONSTANTLY be guessing and trying to trip us up. And his mum will be like “I hope it’s a girl” the entire time which will piss me off. Saying she’s a boy means we are left alone for 6 months to have our pregnancy in peace, and then we have very excited parents with a surprise first and only granddaughter. I’m not worried about my parents being mad at all. They’re not like that. Hubbys mum won’t be mad either. She will be elated. It’s more we worry about them buying gendered gifts and being like what do we do with this now haha

VERDICT: REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED

Update 1 - same post/same day

UPDATE: ok reddit has spoken and we have agreed hubby is not allowed to “surprise” his mum. We will be saying we don’t know, and addressing any hopes for a girl with a request to stop pressuring us to have a girl and that we better not witness any gender disappointment if it’s a boy, and if it’s a girl, we better not see a different reaction or treatment than to the boys- ever. This message will be consistently delivered. Everyone worrying about trauma to our boys, we are very good in addressing behaviours and setting boundaries with anyone in contact with our kids, and will set clear expectations and boundaries on the first phone call once she’s born. These will be strictly enforced. Thanks for your concern and input. I do think maybe I worded this post a bit more seriously than it would have been. The parents would have been like “you sneaky rats” and been happy but I don’t want them to spread the lie wider, so we will just share the unbelievable lie instead and try to throw them off every chance we get. We were also very shocked at how many people said we were lying about knowing the gender so early. We are very lucky to live in a country with affordable and accessible healthcare and feel so grateful that NIPT is so available to us. Thanks again all, especially those who stayed kind

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DragonCelica

One way or another, you're going to have to deal with your MIL's behavior. Lying now is just putting off the inevitable (I understand why you want to though).

Healthy boundaries need to be discussed. You need to get on the same page with your husband and figure out how you're going to tackle this issue long-term.

Dealing with this right after giving birth sounds like a nightmare.

OOP

Yeh I already said to my husband he needs to address the “gender disappointment” reaction she gives as if she does it in front of me again, I’ll lose it.

For us it just feels like we can avoid any drama and have a big happy surprise when she’s here instead of having to beat her down about how she treats the kids differently now.

We will for sure have to address it once girl is here, but it feels like we can avoid it for six months and live in ignorant bliss for a bit longer by “surprising” them as opposed to “lying to” them haha

DragonCelica

I guess my concern is how severely she'll over-compensate due to the surprise.

"I'm so glad it's not another boy! What a gift to be blessed with a girl instead!"

I'm sure you're understandably worried your boys willl hear her rhetoric and think she views boys as "less than." I'm hoping they won't catch on, because you're hands are already going to be full with your MIL.

I already said to my husband he needs to address the “gender disappointment” reaction

Is he addressing it, or burying his head?

if she does it in front of me again, I’ll lose it.

I don't think people here would call you an asshole if you did.

OOP

Yeh, I just figured once she figured it out we could gently remind her that she needs to treat the boys equally and that there’s to be no favouritism. It’s a tough one

~

Kitchen_Victory_7964

I think YWBTA to your current sons and future daughter, quite frankly.

You know you’ll have issues with your MIL. Sort this shit out now, before your kid is born and before all your kids are forced to observe the wild inequality in treatment. If your husband cannot wrangle his mother into some semblance of agreement, go LC or even NC before you allow her to taint your children’s lives.

Good luck with her!

OOP

She’s actually a lovely lady. She just really wants a girl. Always wanted a daughter and never got one, so spoils her niece and wants a granddaughter more than anything. We will of course address this upfront once she’s born. There will be no inequality in my household, and if she sends things without the others, they will be placed in a cupboard until Christmas or a birthday and she will be told not to send anything for that occasion. We will address it on the first phone call (gently) once she’s born, before the boys are at the hospital like “meet your granddaughter! Now don’t be treating her any differently, and make sure if she gets a gift, the boys do too, or else” type thing.

Update 2 same post/same day

UPDATE 2: the internet is so weird. People are mad we don’t want gifts coming for only one child. Sending non-occasion gifts for one child and not the others and thinking that’s ok is crazy to us. Unless it’s a newborn or birthday gift, we won’t be having one child getting random things when the others aren’t. MIL is actually a very kind and generous person, and will respect boundaries we set for our kids, and doesn’t want to make anyone feel bad, she’s just always wanted a girl and that overpowers her reactions sometimes.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: infidelity; abandonment

Mood Spoiler: honestly just kind of sad but things are tentatively ok

Original : September 3, 2024

I (33M) am marrying my fiancé (37M) this winter. We’re putting together the guest list to send the invitations out and have run into an issue over my nephew and my brother.

My brother (38M) was 18 when his girlfriend told him she was pregnant. They ended up moving in together and my brother decided to go to find work as a mechanic rather than go to college as he’d planned. My nephew was born a little while later. They got married when she told him she was pregnant with their second kid (15F) and then had two more, both 10M.

Ever since my nephew was born he’s been literally one of my favourite people. I babysat him plenty of times, same with my other niblings, and have spent my twenties as their guncle [gay uncle]. My brother and me were close as kids and I’ve been close with his kids as well.

Five years ago my brother found out my nephew wasn't his and his now ex wife had been sleeping with someone else at the time and had suspected my oldest nephew wasn’t my brother’s since he was a little kid. They ended up getting a divorce and my brother didn’t seek custody of my oldest nephew and said he didn’t want to see him. He told me that he needed time to process and would try to patch things up later. That idea was kind of ruined when my nephew turned up at my brother’s apartment begging to talk. It turned into an argument between them.

For context, our father had just passed a couple of months earlier. During the argument my nephew said something along the lines of “No wonder mom fucked somebody else. I bet grandpa hated you.” My brother cut things off then and there and has refused to see my nephew since. I stepped in as the main male figure in my nephew’s life, much as I dislike my ex-SIL. I even took him out for his 18th birthday and took him looking at universities and he now goes to my alma mater.

I asked my brother how he wants to handle the seating situation if they don't want to be close together. My brother was angry I’d even invite my nephew after everything that happened. He said it’d be like inviting my ex-SIL, “he’s not family, he’s just the prick who disrespected our dad.”

I said he’s being petty and childish taking the words of a scared and angry 14-year-old so personally. He was a kid who said something shitty because his entire world was falling apart and the person he’d relied on for his whole life was suddenly pulling away, and instead of being understanding and doing family therapy or something like a grownup my brother decided to give adult weight to a teenager’s words and cut him off completely.

My nephew has said he’s okay with not going if it’s causing an issue, but I told him not to be ridiculous: he’s important to me and I want him there for when I marry my person. I told him he shouldn't let my brother's inability to let go be his problem. My fiance agrees with me. My mom and sister both say I need to see it from my brother’s perspective. I think he’s just being petty. AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: INFO Did your brother ask your nephew for space directly or did he just abandon the kid and rely on his lying, cheating ex to pass along the message?

OOP: IIRC [if I remember correctly] he didn't say anything to my nephew, just up and left

How it came out:

OOP: Yes. I'm pretty sure the whole thing started over a blood typing assignment thing for biology class (brother is O neg, ex-SIL is A neg, nephew is A pos)

Commenter: Your brother is allowed to set boundaries “I won’t be at your wedding if the kid is there because of my mental health” and you’re allowed to say “ok”. Someone’s boundaries are their own. If they try to manipulate or change you or your choices to enforce their boundaries, that crosses the line into controlling. NTA

OOP: The problem is he wants me to uninvite my nephew. He feels entitled to go himself

Age of nephew:

Clarification, he's 19 now, he was 14 when this all went down.

Commenter: Has he shown remorse for what he said? He is old enough now to know he said something wrong and to apologize.

OOP: He said he'll apologize if my brother apologizes for abandoning him

Nephew's bio-dad

OOP: He has no relationship with his biodad and expresses no desire for one. He's said when people tell him that he asks why he should seek put a relationship with a perfect stranger he's never met before.

Commenter: You are allowed to invite who you want to your wedding. Just recognize you will be facing repercussions either way. You will destroy your relationship with someone or several someone’s. If for example, you destroy your relationship with your brother, will you be destroying your relationship with his other children? Will you be able to live with that? NAH

OOP: Visiting my nephew before he was 18 meant attaching a clothespin to my nose and spending time in the same general vicinity of my sx-SIL regardless. My relationship with my other niblings is safe, they have 50/50 custody and my niece wants her brother there (I just found this out because my brother complained to our sister that they had a fight about it when she found out he didn't want her brother there)

OOP responds to a longer comment:

OOP: I'm not gonna blame a scared, angry kid for lashing out. As far as he was concerned my brother was his father who he's suddenly being abandoned by.

Commenter: You don’t got to blame him but you could’ve held him accountable and tell him that his word had meaning. What so hard about that? Like y’all saying kid this kid that but that don’t mean you don’t got to hold him accountable

OOP: We talked it over. He called me in a panic thinking he'd ruined everything and I told him what bus to take to get to somewhere near my apartment and we talked about it. I offered to be the go-between and ask my brother if he'd be willing to talk more civilly and he said he didn't want to see him again.

Commenter: ESH, your brother needed time to process everything. I mean, he abandoned all his college plans and life plans to be there for his wife and what he thought was his child and found out all these years later that everything was a lie. He had the rug pull out from under him. Then afterwards his dad dies. I mean that’s tough, you don’t sound like you cut him any slack. You are doing a good job of undermining your brother’s feelings. Do you even like him? Your brother deserved space at the time. Who’s to say he wasn’t going to go back to parenting your nephew? Your nephew said something that was extremely mean spirited. Yes, he was a teenager, but since when are teenagers exempt from accountability? I think you’re not doing a good job of managing this situation and it seems like you’ve already abandoned your brother.

OOP: Accountability is "tell them what they did wrong and make them make amends as best as they can," not "cut them out entirely and claim their harsh words were the reason."

Commenter: Those are not harsh words. Those are definitely "fighting words" if I've ever seen them. What your nephew said was cruel and said in such a vulnerable time, and it's insane that you can't recognize that. Your brother was kicked when he was already down, he was a boss whose shiny glowing weakness was exposed and attacked, he had salt rubbed into the wound.

OOP: and my nephew was a scared angry kid whose whole world was falling apart and, at 14, had nowhere near the emotional maturity to deal with that fact well. They were both hurt people who hurt people. The difference is my nephew has no issue with my brother being there whereas my brother didn't want me to invite my nephew.

Nephew's relationship with his mom:

OOP: For about a year or so afterwards he would throw it in her face every time she tried to reprimand him. Much as I dislike her myself, eventually I sat down and pointed out she didn't actually know for certain he wasn't his father's until the dna test, she just strongly suspected. I also pointed out that the more people he cuts off, the fewer people he has to fall back on when things get tough. Things are okayish between them, and okayish is probably as good as it's gonna get.

OOP is voted NTA but responses are heavily mixed

Update : September 12, 2024 (9 days later)

I decided to follow some of your advice and talk to him about what happened and set some boundaries with my brother, so I saw him in person to talk things over. I told him that my nephew has been in my life for more than half my life – I was 14 when he was born. I’ve been his uncle for 19 years and fundamentally he’s not the one that betrayed my brother, and while I can’t imagine what must have been going through my brother’s head at the time, it's not my battle to fight and even if it were I’m not obligated to take it out on a kid who had nothing to do with it.

What he said was extremely shitty, yeah, but we’re talking about someone who was 14 at the time and absolutely did not have the emotional maturity to handle the situation. I told him my nephew was open to a mutual apology. So, bottom line, my nephew is invited and he’s getting a plus one, and I will seat him away from my brother if he wishes but that’s the most I will do. They can talk or not talk, kiss and make up or ignore each other all night, but I’m not making it my fight.

My brother said he understood and would think about it… then a couple days later he drunk texted me a complete 180 and asked if I could invite ex-SIL, too, which I think is probably because his RSVP included his new girlfriend as his plus one and she’s 26(?) I just know my niece complained it was gross that her dad’s new girlfriend was a year closer to her age than his. My brother at his best is charming, confident, looks-wise kind of like a chunkier version of me so not bad looking, and he had no trouble pulling women post-divorce once he got his confidence back and lost weight. I declined his drunk request, but his girlfriend is nice and I told my niece that GF is inside the half-plus-seven so she can’t be completely grossed-out.

Since some have asked about my nephew and ex-sil, I’ll explain: She didn’t know for sure that my nephew wasn’t my brother’s, but she strongly suspected and she was sleeping with both her AP and my brother at the time. For about a year after the divorce my nephew would throw the deception back in her face every time she reprimanded him, until I sat him down and pointed out that the more people he pushes away the fewer people he has in his corner when things go south. Bottom line she is his mother. After the debacle with my nephew my brother and ex-sil were more careful with my niece and the twins about not making adult problems their problems as well. Sorry there was no scarlet A like many of you would have liked. She’s not my favorite person but I can sort of tolerate her.

To answer the question about his biodad, my nephew has expressed zero desire to meet him. He says he doesn’t get why people think a perfect stranger could replace my brother like being abandoned out of the blue never happened.

My nephew RSVP’d yes and is taking his “theyfriend” (his SO is nonbinary and that’s what they’re calling themselves.)

So, finger crossed a happy ending.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: If I may ask, has your ex-SIL ever expressed any remorse or understanding for her son's anger with her?

Because she pretty much messed her eldest child's life (at least for a little while - it sounds like he's doing much better) and permanently damaged her own relationship with him by marring all his familial relationships (except yours).

OOP: She was the gatekeeper for my nephew. That's basically all the interaction we had. I was there for him and not for her and her inner life doesn't interest me. I advised my nephew to make some sort of peace with her because she's still his mother and because the more people he pushes away the fewer he has in his corner when things go south, because that seemed the best neutral advice I could give.

Commenter: You said that the nephew was open for a mutual apology. I seriously wondering, what do you think your brother needs to apologize for ?

Not wanting to raise a kid that is not biologically his, doesn't make him a wrong guy. It's completely valid and reasonable.

Also, if the adult's problems affect the children then those children have all the right to make it their own issue. Your nephew lost his only father figure because his mother couldn't be a decent person and keep her legs closed. His world completely turned upside down because of his mom. He has all the right to be mad at her. What you need to do is to stop advocating for his mom.

OOP: Full disclosure: It's not my argument anyway, tbh. My nephew believes he was wronged and is sticking to that position and will not unilaterally apologize.

Commenter: Yeah, this completely proves you’re a crappy brother you’re ignorant and arrogant to the whole situation he going through. Maybe if y’all would’ve given your brother some time like was requested. Things wouldnt have gotten so bad but you and this kid are literally destroying any possibility of him wanting to stay involved. And honestly not just with the kids life but yours to..

OOP: My nephew was 14. The man he thought was his father said he didn't want him around and wasn't taking his calls, wasn't seeking custody of him, made it seem like he didn't want him. He freaked out. He was also 14 - there was no way that he had the emotional maturity to deal with it well. So yeah, he went to try and force the issue and it went south, they both said some shitty things, what my nephew said was particularly shitty. I told him it was shitty.

Commenter: You have repeatedly shown him YOU DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR BROTHER! Your repeatedly telling him you pick them. If he wanted his kids to go, that’s up to him. But you took that choice away and invited the person who betrayed him the most in his life and the direct repercussions of that betrayal to your wedding and said he doesn’t have to go but they will both be there. Your seriously oblivious. So what if he was in your life since you were 14. Your brother has been there from day 1.

OOP: I didn't take any choice away from him because he doesn't have a say in who I invite. He has say in whether he goes and that's it. If my nephew isn't his, it's not up to him. He's 19. Whether his kids go is a shared decision between the him and his ex because I don't remember whose week it'll be. He is the one who (drunkenly) suggested inviting his ex so he could parade his 26 year old girlfriend in front of his almost-40 year old ex, which is a level of petty I approve of but I had to decline.

Commenter: But your constantly backing and encouraging the nephew. You need to explain how the nephew was the wrong one. Not keep pacifying everything.

OOP: They both have grievances with one another. It's not my job to force a mediation. I offer, I act as an intermediary, but the bottom line is they both hurt one another.

AITH

Hey everyone. I will just jump right into my story with much introduction and I will do the explaining as I am going. So 2 months ago I (41/f)was invited by my husband’s Dad to go on “vacation” for a month to Amman to see my husband’s family over here. My husband couldn’t go because we own a business and both of us couldn’t go and leave the business. I expressed concerns that I wouldn’t really enjoy myself to my husband and his brother because I didn’t want anyone to be obliged to entertain me and I am not a person who enjoys being a house guest especially for that period of time. They explained that I would be free (this is key it’s what sold the vacation to me it’s why I agreed- free means free right? I’m American. My husband and I understand each other’s culture differences and it’s usually not a problem we just talk it out until we reach a compromise) when I got here however it was a total bait and switch. I am free to wear what I want (I observe the regional dress code but I don’t wear hijab or abaya but I do dress modestly anyway) but free to go anywhere? No. Perhaps I was a bit spoiled by my Father but I have never just sat around this much in my whole life. We went to dinner 3 times…. We don’t do anything during the day and maybe go out to get ice cream or something at night and then come right back. We don’t walk around the local shops… I mentioned it to my husband and I think he told them to take me out so for one day we went to museums and it was an awesome day but now it’s back to just sitting. I feel bad to keep complaining to my husband I know he tried to fight for me but he isn’t here so I’m on my own. I literally cried one day I was so bored. They said they are busy they just sit around until 7 or 8 pm and then they do stuff around the house and say the roads are too busy to go anywhere and that they have stuff to do. Like why did you invite me here if you didn’t have time to take me around? Is this a cultural difference I don’t understand and I’m wrong? I kind of just want to leave but I feel like I’m insulting their hospitality if I do. Am I an asshole if I make up a story and go home 2 weeks early?

• Thank you so much for all your responses everyone. I got the courage to tell my husband I want to leave and I’m booking a flight home in the morning. I learned a valuable lesson and I will not be coming here again anytime soon and especially not without my husband and I will stay in a hotel. * I will travel with my Mom going forward too she goes to bed at 7pm but she is fun until then and then I’m free to do my own thing. You guys are awesome

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 25th April 2024

- 27th April 2024

AIO my girlfriend won't stop swapping out my real groceries with small versions of the items

It's basically what the title says - but the weird part is she won't ever admit that it's her? She just sort of looks at me and pretends to be confused when I confront her?

Basically, every few weeks I come home and some of my groceries are missing and replaced my miniature plastic versions of themselves. Come home from work and looking forwards to a coca cola?

Oh great, my coca cola is gone and there's a miniature plastic version. Break something small and need to tape it back together? Oh good, miniature duct-tape. Make eggs and want some tabasco? Oh great, miniature tabasco. You get the point - kind of funny, but pretty annoying too.

So far all fair play, clearly my girlfriend thinks its some sort of funny prank or practical joke, but the thing thats weirding me out is that she never acknowledges that its her? Even when I start to get genuinely upset, or frustrated she insists that it’s "so strange" that "random objects are shrinking in our home"?

This all culminated to last night... Last night I came home and I had been craving something sweet all day. So l started baking blueberry muffins - my genuine favorite treat for myself. I get everything together, preheat the oven, and I'm about to start making the batter when I open the cabinet and oh look - the flour is gone and replaced with a miniature bag of flour.

"Ha ha, so funny", I immediately call her and ask her where she put it but she keeps playing dumb??? I start making a slightly bigger deal about it I'm like "look, I went to the store to get fresh blueberries, l've been looking forwards to this, can you please tell me where the flour is?". She won't drop the act? Like what the hell???

Before we ended the call she slyly dropped "as if you need more muffins" and hung up??? Like what the hell.

I haven't called her back yet - so we haven't talked in over a day. I'm pretty mad at her over this - I went way out of my way to do something special for myself and she wouldnt drop the act when I made it clear I was genuinely upset.

Reddit, I know this sounds insane, but I'm genuinely considering breaking up over this. She clearly doesn't take my needs seriously. Do you guys think I’m overreacting.

TL;DR; : Items from around my house such as sugar, a bottle of coca cola, etc "randomly" shrink into miniature plastic toy versions of themselves. My girlfriend won't f***ing stop and I'm losing it - she ruined my muffins to stick with this stupid joke.

Comments

InsideThought3827

I’ve seen this prank on tiktok and it’s very annoying usually they end up giving the real food back though.

rafa-droppa

The not giving it back is what I don't understand. It's like she's never learned how a prank ends.

I had a coworker steal my coffee mug one morning before I came in. She recently was talking about 'starting a prank war' (yes it's a very laid back office) so I went over to her and asked if she had my mug. She said no, then stuck to saying no the rest of the day.

I used another mug so it wasn't like a huge deal but at the end of the day she still said she didn't have it so I told her I like a good prank as much as anyone but if the mug doesn't end up on my desk in the morning then it's not a prank, it's literally just theft.

The strangest look came over her face like she didn't even think about it that way. I'm just like yeah a prank gives someone a moment of confusion and then stuff goes back to normal not whatever it is your doing.

BobbiPinstripes

When my kids are trying to play the repeating game or some other game where the objective is to piss me off, I say “I’m not having fun. Find another way to play.” I say that once before I physically leave the room. Highly recommend.

Afraid_Quality2594

Watch OP go to break up with her and it's a Barbie there.

klstopp

He should invite her to meet him somewhere and have someone deliver a Ken doll!

Update - 2 days later

UPDATE: turns out it was my brother paying a prank on me he saw in TikTok. My girlfriend apologized for her snide comment about the muffins but suggested I’ve been gaining a lot of weight lately and was annoyed that I’ve been pointing the finger at her.

Comments

angelicblaze_

What I don't understand is why even though she wasn't the one doing the prank, she still played along with it. Did she know that it was your brother? Like if she truly didn't know why is she responding with how it's crazy how your stuff is "shrinking"?

Gbovfl98

Talk about guilty until proven innocent. Poor gf. I get why she was annoyed you kept blaming her. What reaction did she need to have for you to believe she wasn’t behind it??

throwaway6545545

did your brother apologize to you for almost ruining your relationship with your GF?

ExcitingAssignment81

Seriously lol. Over 5700 comments of people shitting all over the girlfriend and it wasn't even her

ILub

I'm looking through the top posts here and I'm so confused why you would assume it was your girlfriend and continue to ask only her about it once she clearly stated that she also thought it was peculiar if there was another person who was staying in your house when this happened??

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember to be civil in the comments

Context: is the general subreddit for the My Little Pony fandom and discussion on Reddit. It was founded in early 2010s by bronies, aka , and thus was largely populated by bronies until recently. Despite this, marketed itself as a safer alternative to other brony spaces online, with more active moderation and harder crackdowns on suggestive content. However, since its mod team are by and large bronies, what qualifies as "safe for work" differs somewhat compared to general audiences.

The core issue revolves around enforcement of . While in theory it should remove all NSFW and suggestive content, in practice a paradox in the rule's full description (on the Wiki, not the Rules page) prevents this from happening. On one hand, "Without exception, all submissions and comments should be kept safe for work", yet they allow certain "'borderline' cases" to go through:

In these situations, the entire moderator team will deliberate and come to a decision as to whether or not a post violates rule two. Because the community is so large, there is a huge amount of variance as to what constitutes NSFW content. The moderators will heavily consider this before a removal, but because of the discrepancy in the definition of NSFW, please note that strict definitions are hard to articulate.

In practice, what actually violates Rule 2 feels arbitrary and opaque. For instance, referencing any of the many MLP creepypastas gets a post removed, but suggestive art with sexualised proportions and pinup poses often gets a pass.

With that out of the way, onto the drama!

that set things off. For those of you who want to keep the links blue, said artpiece depicts the character Twilight Sparkle in a partial transformation between pony and dragon. On the right, Spike the dragon is blushing with a nosebleed, signifying attraction. In the show, Spike is considered a kid and Twilight his caregiver, which draws comparison to incest or paedophilia. Not helping matters is the fact that the original artist is also an NSFW artist.

Naturally, this goes over well with the subreddit's audience:

y'all just.. Idk enjoy art? It's fictional for goodness sake?!

You say the same thing about loli and shota ?

If it's not real then yes.

It's the context of the art. The art isn't the issue, it's what's depicted in the artwork 😭

Cool. Now say the same thing about music. So many people tall about killing yet ain't nobody killing BECAUSE of the misic [sic]

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in the comments are so pressed 💀

This is a sub for all ages, or supposed to be. This is fetish art, and shouldn't be here. Plus some people browse this sub at work, or in public spaces. It's against the rules to post this kind of thing here.

Is it that egregious? I mean like, wonder woman is also fetish material and was designed as such, but like, her being around isn't that bad.

You're equating THIS to Wonder Woman? Yeah, this conversation is over.

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her brother she takes care of you psycho. This is also the main subreddit, shouldn't be allowed to post this here

Y'all need to calm the fuck down, it's a cartoon. Y'all acting like their real people.

It being a cartoon doesn't make it any less gross...

Yeah but you all are acting like this guy did some heinous crime, just say ew and move on

However, click the link and you'll notice that said artpiece wasn't removed. The mods thought this suggestive transformation fetish art was okay under Rule 2, which leads to the second part of the drama:

The post is titled "This sub [] has a serious problem that needs to be discussed". Though it lacks any body text, the screenshot gallery vaguely paints OP's argument. Specifically, OP cites one of the mods of the sub as a chronic rulebreaker of Rule 2 because they post artwork they imply violates that rule.

The mod in question is an avid supporter of the Sparity ship, which is between the characters Spike (mentioned before) and Rarity (a unicorn around Twilight's age). In the show, Spike gets a childhood crush on Rarity, but she never truly reciprocates. Because of their implied age gap, opponents of this ship often accuse Sparity shippers of supporting paedophiles.

(Edit) The body text of the post reads:

This sub has a genuine problem with very suggestive and explicit posts and the rules not being enforced on these posts when they should be, even with reports and several people commenting their disgust with them. I had a mod straight up tell me once that a meme about having intercourse with one of the characters was not against rules. Is this not intended to be a family friendly sub, have we forgotten that there's plenty of minors here and that there's dedicated nsfw subs if you insist on posting this stuff???

I'm of firm belief that the reason mods aren't taking action towards any of this garbage is that they support it, and I have proof of such (as seen in the pictures attached to this post, where a mod talks about liking Rarity x Spike and has also posted it in this sub several times. This mod has also noticed several explicit posts and has done nothing about them, including ones involving Spike and that meme about having intercourse with a character that I mentioned earlier)

I heavily implore the mods to actually read and address this post rather than just deleting it and shoving this issue under the rug. In the meantime though does not have these problems

On top of that, the posts that OP cited (in screenshots) as evidence could be interpreted as suggestive. OP used this mod as an example of why Rule 2 is not being enforced properly, as it's deliberately being bent to satisfy this mod's specific shipping interests, which are seen as problematic and thus NSFW.

In response to the callout, another moderator :

Just because you think a post breaks a rule does not mean the mods will, or are required to, agree with you. Contrary to what some people believe, there is no razor sharp rule line that everyone can agree on. (As evidenced by fact that you seem to be blanket opposed to any shipping of Spike and Rarity, a thing that happens in the actual show.)

We try to manage a wide array of posts and array of user perspectives and those aren't always going to conform with yours. No matter what line you want to draw, there will be people who disagree and posts that fall into a gray area.

That said... ... If you see a post you think breaks the rules, report it or simply hide it, and move on with your day. It will get removed, or it won't. Seeing 3 people creating a complaint feedback loop in the comments 12 hours later does not endear your argument.

The userbase takes this extremely well:

So these posts shipping an adult and child character stay up, yet my post gets taken down because it references Pinkamena? I think you and all of the mod team need to step up and do better or be replaced entirely, cause right now you're all doing fucking terrible at your jobs.

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The show doesn't ship Spike and Rarity. 🤦

Spike just has a crush, which is a common thing for kids to have

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what kind of stupid rules are these if your allowing someone to ship a adult with a child

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This comment seems to come from a place of entitlement. You could've worded this much better and not acted like your opinion is above ours just because you're a mod.

Their opinion is above yours. They run the place, not you. Don't like it? Make your own safe space.

When this many members of the subreddit are fighting back against something, our collective opinion does matter. Piss off too many people within a community, and they'll leave in droves. Lying down and accepting questionable moderation is unhealthy. The "oh just make your own place" argument is deflection and ignoring the true problem. This is one of the largest gathering places for fans of My Little Pony. A small handful of individuals shouldn't override public opinion. I'm also aware that not every single regular user is against this. They have their opinions, and that's okay. What's not okay is being dismissive simply because of status. The mods can and should do better to provide an experience welcoming to all.

This isn't a democracy. Again, if you think there's a problem, you're free to make your own safe space. People like me can carry on enjoying this community without self-aggrandizing, neurotic nutters like you lot ruining things for us. If you guys really do comprise the majority of this sub, then it should be no issue for you guys to supplant this community with your own, right? I bet it won't even make a dent.

Supporters of the current rule's enforcement get slaughtered:

People need to chill tf down, even in OP’s “proof” there is nothing NSFW. Stop being a prudish imp fr. Hide it if it makes you so uncomfortable… or, here’s an even crazier idea, leave??!!!

Puritans really be downvoting bc they think they’re the entire population

Nah. I agree with the mods on this. If it doesn’t warrant the “suggestive” tag on derpibooru, then it’s fine. None of the examples shown would need that tag

right because it’s suddenly puritanical and an unpopular opinion to not want to see a child shipped with an adult 💀 much less in a kids show

Where did I say it was unpopular?

I mean personally I’m not a Sparity shipper but I’m not gonna go out of my way to attack people for liking it

No offense but using derpibooru as a your agrument isn’t a good one. Case in point two mares with there flanks pointed at the pov with one having a mistletoe down at her flank. Not marked suggestive.

AHH covered pony butts!! Call the mob! Grab your pitchforks!!!! Light the fire for the stake!!!!!!111!!!

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bro. Taking shipping to the extreme by banning stuff you don’t like. bsfr 💀

This subreddit is for kids dude. We shouldn’t show children media involving an adult and child dating.

I know I shouldn’t typically be disclosing my age to randos on the internet but I think this warrants it. 👀

I’m between 13-17f, so a minor and a girl. I see this artwork, and you know what I don’t feel? My brain chemistry being altered because it’s oh-so upsetting!! Kids aren’t stupid, mindless drones that can’t tell the difference between fiction and reality :|

But a LOT of kids are mindless people who aren’t able to do that. Even if you separate reality from fiction, someone still felt the need to ship an adult and little kid. It’s bad regardless. Not even teenagers are the target audience for the show so your argument falls flatter than a pancake.

The pro- vs. anti- debate gets brought up:

I agree, I find it strange that many sexually suggestive posts seem to be posted with no questions asked. There are separate subreddits for such things.

bigger issue is with these downright pedophillic ships like sparity

And even worse, Spike and Twilight. It’s basically -nc-st!

The word is "incest"

I hate puriteen language so much. As someone with various mental issues I die a little inside every time I see the things ruining my life trivialized with words like "sewer-slide" and "unalive". All they're doing is reinventing the stigma that people who ACTUALLY care have spent decades trying to break.

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did I say it was unpopular?

I mean personally I’m not a Sparity shipper but I’m not gonna go out of my way to attack people for liking it

“bc they think they’re the entire population” implying that a good handful of people support the opposite opinion, which is proshipping 💀 you don’t have to go out of your way to hate on someone, yet you are going out of your way to defend them, proshippers.

No?

60% is still a popular opinion, and it’s also not the entire population

Also, as for the word “proshipper”

It does not mean what you think it means. It literally just means someone in favor of allowing anyone to ship any character with any other character

you really are only responding to the parts of my replies you even have a chance at debating, you specifically mentioned downvoting in your parent comment like that isn’t one of the main features of reddit that sets it apart from most other social media apps “downvoting like they are the entire population” is an irrelevant argument because if a good amount of people seeing the comments agreed, the people disagreeing with the post wouldn’t be in the bigger negatives

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before the salty proshipper mod deletes it

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Proship means problematic ship. Shipping a child with an adult is problematic.

And pro-life means problematic life!

(Proship just means pro aka “for” shipping. It means “ship and let ship, do not harass people over fictional ships”)

Not what it means lol. Also those two words aren’t the same. One is meant to be pro as in for, whereas the other is meant to represent problematic ships. Regardless we shouldn’t be shipping adults and kids. This isn’t the loud house.

Completely wrong. Proship has never meant problematic shipper. That’s something antis made up. You don’t have to ship anything morally wrong Irl to be a proshipper, the only criteria is “Even if I find something personally gross, I will not harass someone for what they ship as long as no real person is harmed”

An example is me; I find loli shit disgusting. I do not harass those people or call them pedos (aka water down terms about real children being harmed) I block them and I move on. Everyone should proship.

The moment I saw the word anti used unironically I knew who I was dealing with. Regardless of definition, THIS IS A SUBREDDIT FOR CHILDREN TOO. It doesn't matter if to you it should exist because nobody is really harmed but children are very impressionable and don't need to see this nasty ass shit on their screens. This isn't some adult television show where you can do whatever this is a show targeting children to sell toys to said kids. We shouldn't allow shipping of an adult and child in such context.

This, much more, in the full post above!

It should be noted that complaints against how Rule 2 is implemented have existed for years, resurfacing every few months or so when an overly risqué post pisses off too many people. Attempts to change the rule through popular demand have been met with stalwart rejection, so it's unlikely the mods will budge in this case, stoking the flames of this war for the foreseeable future.

Edit: In response to me sharing the drama with SRD, the mods hit me with a permaban. Perhaps I should've NP'ed all the source links—too bad np.reddit.com doesn't fucking work anymore.

Edit 2: the discussion post in question (the battle cry) was removed, and in its place the mods have pinned a claiming that "one of my fellow moderators was targeted for harassment," using arguments about mod abuse to justify the ban, which could be referring to mine.

This is a ridiculous distortion and slanderous. In no way did I target the mod in question for harassment—for the sake of their privacy, I omitted their name before posting this. However, I admit that I cannot control how people interact with the linked threads, especially since NP is nonexistent nowadays, but as a show of good faith, I'll remind everyone that HARASSMENT AND BRIGADING FROM SRD IS NOT TOLERATED. DO NOT PISS IN THE POPCORN. I apologise if this post and recent events are causing that mod due stress, and I wish them well

That being said, a lot of the criticism and "harassment" of your mod team is coming from within 's borders. The PSA in question is already at 0 karma. Are you sure you're not confusing your own userbase, who are clearly very cross with your conduct, with SRD?

For transparency, the ban reason they gave me was

Spreading subreddit drama outside the sub is a violation of subredditquette and a bannable offense

While I understand the sentiment, especially as they connected it to inciting harassment, I believe this was a blatant distortion of the rules on their to find an excuse to purge me. I can see this post falling under points 1 and 2, and possibly point 6. However, I believe that this post follows point 5, as I decided that another subreddit was more suitable for this post than .

"Ask yourself, what would Fluttershy do?" Even if it's hard at first, she would still find a way to call out corrupt leadership for what they are.

Edit 3: with the help of a commenter, the text body was recovered and added above. .