I am not The OOP, OOP is

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years.

  Nov 20, 2017

Throwaway because I want to keep this separate from my main account.

Wow. Okay, where to begin. We've been dating for 8 years. We met in high school, and have been together ever since. We've grown and changed with each other - miraculously - and our relationship has been amazing. We were always communicative to each other, always doted on one another, have inside-jokes that are years long, and have become so comfortable with who we are as a couple. Our relationship by all means is a wonderful one.

But, I guess I wouldn't be posting here if it was so wonderful, would I.

As we've entered into adulthood, I started asking the bigger questions that I realized I wasn't really getting answers on. He's been against having kids, but I want kids. My biggest advice I received was to wait for his 'real' answer when we were older because I asked these questions after dating for 4 years. I asked him what he wanted to do with his future, where he saw himself career wise and what he was feeling about who he was as a person. If he was changing and growing. To be honest, whenever we speak about these things I always feel like. . .it gets really quiet, he becomes shorter with his words. A lot of "I don't know"s. After asking questions many times, I get some answers once he's thought about it. But this scenario has always been regular for us -- I'm asking bigger questions, trying to get feedback, and he gives little answers and asks to think about them.

But we have always moved along. Next day, next season. We're really happy with each other. We cuddle and watch Netflix TV shows, go to the ice rink, having romantic dinners and tell each other how much we adore one another. But those questions start to bother me. Why doesn't he want to answer them? Why doesn't he ask those about me? Is it necessarily bad that he doesn't want to ask? I mean, we're only in our 20s. But. . .We've been dating for 8 years. The toss and turn was agonizing. I felt like I was waiting for an answer for a question I asked years ago, regardless of the timeline. I felt more and more pressure to have them answered. . .because we've been talking about marriage.

When I would forget that those questions were so important to me, everything was hunky dory. We'd talk about where we would live, the animals we would have - and name them, the kinds of tv shows we'd watch on a weekly basis. I pushed the issues I had been feeling in my core back inside, because I figured 'If I'm a patient girlfriend, a loving one, a supportive one, our relationship will get better. How long we've stayed together is testament to our ability to grow together. We've done it this long, why wouldn't it continue happening?'

But it hasn't. It really hasn't guys. This last weekend something snapped.

We were looking for places to live. We had three appointments. I was looking around the apartment, looking at the kitchen, looking at our bedroom. When we kissed each other goodbye after a post-appointment cuddle/nap, and I went back home. . .I burst out crying in the car. I was sobbing. When I got home I called my mom, she came over, I was broken. Something died. Something straight up died.

I don't know what's going on. I think I need to break up with him. I don't think this is the kind of change that I can ask of him. I don't think asking him to change is fair. It's not that I haven't been patient, I have. He HAS been giving me his answer to all my questions, I just haven't been happy with what they are. The silence, the skirting around the topic, the "I don't know"s. I thought we could grow through any scenario, but moving in together put it all into perspective for me. I'm not ready to move in with this guy.

Earlier in the year, he told me he was alright with kids, with having them, too. After that conversation, such a huge flood of relief hit me that I think spurred this season of ignorance. He answered my biggest, big question, so I was happy. But the reality is setting in. Does he actually mean that? Did he say that to appease my asking? He has told me that I'm the best thing to happen to him, that he loves me and that I inspire him to be a better person, and that he's happy he's with me because he wouldn't know how to date anyone else at this point since we've been together for so long.

I wish he had the motivation and drive and a goal for himself. I wish he thought about his future. I wish he was more excited about life, more positive about life. I wish he wasn't so angry at people and himself. I wish he approached his problems readily and openly. I wish he was more emotionally available.

I wish I knew how to do this without destroying him, because I think it will. His family would all turn on him, I know it. We've been talking about marriage. We're looking at places to live together. And I just imploded. I imploded.

My gut is telling me to do this, and it's never been wrong. But how? How on earth do I do this?

tl;dr: My 8 year relationship fell apart in my heart over the weekend, and now I struggle with how to break up with my boyfriend when we've been talking about marriage and moving in together.

EDIT: Thank you everyone, so much, for your comments. All of them, I've read every one. I think after the initial hysteria and realization of what I was feeling, and putting it into written word, that I've come to realize what I'm truly feeling. I'll post an update after this weekend when I talk with him, I'll tell you how it goes.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

acuteamericium

Hi, what you wrote really impacted me and I would like to thank you for sharing that. I too have been feeling the same way as you in my own relationship, but I haven't been able to process the words.

I don't really have advice, I haven't dealt with my situation but what I will say is this; It is possible to grow from here. You are young, your future is bright and you know what you want in life. You are too young to settle on the things that you will grow into. If you do breakup, it won't be easy, but you sure as hell will make it through. There has been a quote that I has been ringing through my head the past couple days:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain.

I hope that you find what is best for you

OOP

I couldn't even read that entire quote, I started tearing up. There are two sides to me, the side that is firm in her decision, understands she made it long ago, and was waiting for the other half of me to wake up. Then the other side, is the side that loves him, loves what we are, loves who he is and is blissfully ignorant.

Thank you for your encouragement. There is growth that can come from this. I don't want to settle, I don't want to be unhappy. I just thought it was him, for the longest time. And now it's not.

I'll be okay, but holy shit this is going to hurt. And I'm the one who's doing it. To him, his family, our friends. 8 years builds a huge network, and I'll be shutting part of it down. I'll recover, I know people will be okay and I'll be okay, but causing hurt is just not what I do. But I can do it if it's for myself.

~

jolie178923-15423435

"I wish he wasn't so angry at people and himself."

There's something here. What is he angry about?

OOP

He gets angry at people online, angry at bad drivers on the road. He gets angry when he's competitive, he gets angry when things don't happen like they should. I've told him he needs to see someone about it but he hates therapists. He has a lot of resentment in his heart. When it's good, it's great. When it's bad, it's awful. He's never violent, but he raises his voice, curses, and flips things over sometimes (like controllers or folders). I've never felt alright about it.

Whenever he would start doing that stuff to me I would put my foot down and let him know very clearly he is never to treat me that way. It's the single thing I've been unrelenting and strong about. He promised me the next time 'it became a problem' he would see someone about it but there have been little bursts that don't warrant a problem, but are enough to put me on edge. This is a problem he doesn't want to address for painful reasons I think, but it has definitely added to the problem of me not wanting to be with him in the long term unless he got help and figured it out.

OOP when told she's not done growing and to be the best version of herself

This is so real and this is exactly why I posted on reddit. And in a small way, even though I know he thinks I'm great too, I'd like to think that there's a best version of a partner out there for him too.

  Nov 27, 2017 (1 week later)

This is an update to my previous post 

So, the big conversation happened on Friday, a day earlier than what I was expecting. After writing this post and speaking to trusted family and friends, I decided I didn't want to wake up like I had all week feeling like shit anymore. I'd open my eyes and just immediately feel that familiar pain in my chest. I wanted it to be over.

He had been texting me normally in the week so I knew he wasn't expecting this. It made it so much harder. That part wasn't easy, texting him back very plainly to avoid lying or leading him on. But I asked him if he'd like to meet on Friday and he said he'd love to, so I went over in the morning after running a few errands with my brother. He drove what he called the 'Getaway Car' and said he'd pick me up when it was over.

It was so hard. His family was decorating the house for Christmas. As soon as I got there, his mother asked me to help drape some garland across the front porch. I stood there with my heart in my throat, helping her out. As soon as I found a window, I walked into the house and found him in the kitchen. He was still in his pajamas.

I asked if we could talk in his room, and he said sure. He wrapped me in a hug and rubbed my back, and it took everything not to cry right then. We walked up the stairs to his room, I closed the door, and gave him one last, huge hug in the privacy of his room. I took a breath and then asked if we could sit down.

I sat criss cross and began. I told him that I had been in so much pain since we came back after looking at places to live together. I told him that I didn't think we should live together. I told him that was because I didn't think we should be together. I told him it wasn't his fault, that this wasn't because he had something wrong. I told him I felt like there was something wrong with our relationship, and that I knew moving in together wasn't the right choice for us and ultimately, committing to each other like that wasn't the right choice for me. I told him that I wasn't able to commit to him in that way, when the choice came. I told him that it wasn't a smooth transition, that this decision came all at me at once like a freight train. I told him that I was sorry.

He asked me why I was doing this. He looked absolutely shocked. He told me he thought everything was perfect and that he didn't understand why I was saying this. He asked me where we should go from here.

I told him I wanted to talk this out, since we've been together for so long. I told him I wasn't going to waver in my decision because I felt like it was the right choice to make, but I wanted to talk it out.

Instead, he went to his dresser, got out of his pajamas, got into a change of clothes, grabbed his backpack, and left. His mother asked him for more Christmas help but as far as I knew he walked by her. I sat there in shock, I guess. Before he left he said 'See you Saturday' because our friends were having a Friends-giving.

I could feel the hysteria come on. It was like a tidal wave. The reality of what I had just done. It was like every elegant, composed, logical reason I had for breaking up went right out the window. Every graceful approach I was going to take this conversation in just blanked on me. I was simply honest and raw. And now I felt like the shittest person I'd ever known. I got my shoes on and flew down the stairs. His mother was asking me for more Christmas help but in the first time in years, I ignored her and ran out the front door.

I was walking away from his house. After I had reached the street, she came outside. I could hear her steps behind me. She called out my name with the same urgency that you call out to someone as if they forgot something in the house. I didn't turn around. She called out my name again, louder, and I rounded the corner towards the rest of the neighborhood.

I then called my brother and asked him to pick me up. He was there in two seconds. The car was still moving as I opened the door and slid inside, and I was out of there.

That was. . .by far the hardest thing I've ever done. I was sobbing. My brother held my hand. It was loud, heartbreaking sobbing. I can't believe I had ended an 8 year relationship but I did. I went home and my family was all there. They all comforted me through it and told me their breakup stories of their first loves.

That was Friday. Today, Monday, I have to say. . .it was absolutely the correct decision for me to make. After the initial tears, hysteria and destruction, I realized I had needed to make that decision for a long time. I feel fuller, in a way, if that makes sense. And I'm excited for what's to come for me.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom, your insights and your support. I really appreciated all of your comments and I read them a few times a day to give me strength in my down moments. I've gotten to the other side of this and I appreciate all of your input!

tl;dr: I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years and I'm going to be very okay.

EDIT: To be honest I'm shocked again at the response. Thank you all, even the people who don't agree with my decision. If I were to respond to you all and include every single detail of our relationship to try and justify myself I think it would defeat the point of reading your honest responses, because that's what I'll be dealing with going forward. I appreciate every comment, I've gone through and read them all. Thank you for your eyes and time spent giving your input.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

KORE4N

You sound extremely mature for 22! Because you were with your boyfriend for 8 years, I imagine your lives were intertwined. Down the road, it's possible that you will miss him, miss the relationship, miss everything you two shared and may feel like you've made a huge mistake. It's all normal to feel that way and if you do, please do not hesitate to talk to your supportive family and friends.

OOP

I'm prepared for the idea that I'll miss absolutely everything. I'm either really well adjusted or this is just a phase before I go back into feeling awful. Either way, in this clear mindset, I'm bracing for it and trusting my conviction.

~

GoodbyeEarl

Oh man... I know exactly how you feel. I ended an 8 year relationship about 3 years ago. While I broke the news to him, there was this loud scream in my head to stop stop stop but after the hysteria settled, I knew I had made the right choice. I was surprised how quickly my ex moved on (I moved on too though), which made me realize that perhaps he wasn't totally happy either. Good luck to you.

OOP

Oh my god, I know what you mean about the screaming. It felt like there was a spirit inside of me throwing chairs around my head screaming Why have you done this? Why would you? Stop, go back, take it back! It was agonizing. Change is hard but I had no idea the mental warfare I would experience, I thought it was all just heartache. Thank you for the well wishes.

OOP added this comment about her brother

You're right, I didn't go Saturday. A small discovery through all this is that, my brother and I aren't particularly close. We've had a rough childhood with our dad, and he moved to Seattle out of college. Him holding my hand through all this was the most brotherly thing he's done. I will remember that forever. I really feel closer to him now :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OP. That is who posted and OP's own page

TW: child neglect, harassment, physical abuse, verbal abuse, body shaming, past trauma, self harm

  Aug 26th, 2024

Technically, this is the 3rd update on this sub, but I think overall, there are 4 posts. The last post link is . I'm new to Reddit, but Sunny said to keep it organized, so I'm doing my best. I tried to write some of this last night, but I got a little overwhelmed and later a bit too tipsy and emotional to finish it, so I'm back today.

Hi All,

I am really very sorry for losing my head in my last post. I'm a bit embarrassed, which is funny only because this is anonymous, and the only person irl that knows this is me is Sunny.

I was in a bad place when I was typing. I'm doing a smidge better now and when I  started to write this I was at a brewery and Sunny was on her way (she had to run some errands) as were some other friends (Sunny gave them the low down) to come and cheer me up.

Actually I kind of laughed a bit when I hit post because it showed me the published post but there was a thing on it (Sunny called it a flair) and it said XL and when I asked her what that meant she said it meant extra long and I was like "Damn. I'm copping shade from automod bots now?" LOL

But I guess you're here to hear how the video call went. The short is, not pretty. The long is...long. so per usual, here's my disclaimer. This will be novel with lots of info, but you get candy if you make it to the end. I'm an educator and not above bribery lmao (Sorry, it's the beer, or at least that's my story, and I am sticking to it).

So, I logged onto the Zoom link. mom sent everyone and sat on the couch next to Sunny. She wasn't in view at this point, so it just looked like I was on a couch with my dog.

Mom was already logged in and waiting, Dad was logged in too, but his mic and camera were off. I noticed they were logged in separately immediately since they usually log in together on one account and sit together on family video chats unless mom's  work causes her to not be in town.

She said she was glad I was logged in first and asked me how I was holding up. I was honest and said, "Not great," and she just nodded. I asked about her, and she smiled and said, "Not great," and it was my turn to nod.

She said she thinks she's got an idea of all that happened and apologized for not checking in with me more when I was young. She said since Dad was the consistently home parent, she simply trusted his conclusions and when I refused to speak with her and the therapist, she assumed it was becauase what was said of me was true and I was just ashamed. She made a point to say, "That doesn't mean I blame you. I'm the parent. I should have pressed." I shrugged and muttered something like "Well I didn't make it easy, Mom" and she shook her head and said nothing about parenting is supposed to be easy but she took the easy road and it wasn't fair to me. I was going to respond, but the clock hit the new hour, so everyone else was logging on.

Eldest brother John (M42) was on with his wife "Sarah" (F40s), Jacob (M40) came on with his BF "Kyle" (M32), Jonas (M37) and Jeremy (M35) both respectively are on by themselves and of course Violet (F31)comes on with Daniel (M31) - they are holding hands - and then myself Lily (F31) am seemingly on by myself.

Mom asked my father if he was there, and he said he was but kept his camera off. Mom then said, "I am gently requesting we all have our cameras on. This tool is for communication over distances, not creating more distance." There was a beat, and Dad turned on his camera with one of those fake backgrounds, but as he moved around and it glitched a bit, it was very clear he was in a hotel room. Honestly, both of my parents looked tired, and we all noticed it, but we just didn't have the balls to ask WTF.

Mom started with a smile, thanking everyone for joining for something so last minute, and quickly said, "I know usually I call this sort of thing last minute like this because of a death. No one has died." I could see my eldest brother sort of relax a bit, and I can't blame him as we've had a string of deaths of some elder menbers of the extended family. Mom went on to say "Daniel I am pleased you could make it." And he said he couldn't stay long as he has an important meeting. Moms smile didn't falter for a second and she said this sort of thing might take a little time and she hopes whoever he has lined up to meet next is understanding that this here is an important meeting.

I know I'm not known to be brief, but I will be fast forwarding through a lot to keep this shorter than carrying a ring to a volcano.

"I've been having some really tough discussions with a few of you in this room." She says, and she goes on to say that communication and honesty will be valued here and asked Violet how aware she was about the situation with me and Daniel.

Violet folds her arms immediately and explains that "from what I understand, Lily and Daniel didn't get on well when we were kids, and she hit him once. We're trying to leave it be for the wedding."

Mom asks me, "Did you hit Daniel ever?" I said yes so she asks why and I say that if it's the time I got in trouble with my coach, then it was because Daniel called me Lumpy Lily and pushed me hard enough for me to fall. Mom asks Daniel if that's true, and he shrugs and says "Mama that was over 10 years ago, I don't really remember."

Mom let silence reign for a moment and then asked my Dad if he remembered anything about it. Dad seemed annoyed and said that he was told by the school that I started a fight and bullied a kid, and there are other students who vouched for Daniel's version. Mom was nodding and listening and then asked, "Does anyone have anything to add about this?" And at first, no one said anything, so I just added that of the kids that backed Daniel up, 2 are now in the wedding party group chat as groomsman, one being the best man. Mom said "yes I know I talked to 'Harvey' actually earlier today." And she left it there.

I know this tactic as she used it on us kids many times growing up. She dangles that she spoke to someone in the know. Sometimes, it's a bluff, and sometimes it's not. But you best fess up because if it isn't bluffing, she will nail you to the wall for not coming clean. Harsh but effective. Guess it works on adults too because Daniel looked at Violet and muttered something and then said that he did remember that he and I sometimes just didn't like each other. He said he didn't know why or where the problem started because his mother was sick at the time and his dad was never home because he was working so much. He then said to me, "So, sorry, Lily, if I ever did anything to upset you."

Well shit started to hit the fan around there because Sunny started to say loudly ."No, no, no, no, no!"* And scooched next to me so she was visible.

Then went her hailstorm, and she was honestly a FORCE. She launched into it. This is a paraphrase from what I remember.

I'm sorry, Mama Gardner, but you need to know. Either Daniel's memory is shit or he's full of it. Daniel bullied Lily for as long as I can remember. He called her Lumpy Lily all the time. And Harvey - please excuse my language - it is just as much of a shitstick, so whatever he told you isn't the half of it.

Then she turns on Daniel and asks a barrage of questions like, "You don't remember in 7th grade when you spat in Lily's hair and called it an accident?" Or "You mean to tell me you don't remember pushing her so hard she was bleeding and went to the nurse?" Or "How about when you asked her why she was the ugly twin?" And more.

No one interrupted her. Daniel tried a couple of times, and she just said, "I'm still speaking," and continued relaying a series of specific events. And then she brought something up that even I didn't remember.

"Violet was there once when he said Lily must have been the twin that didn't get enough air to the brain because Violet is actually smart, and Lily's flunked a test."

I can't really transcribe the next 15 or so minutes but now all mics are TURNED ON,  there's talking over one another, questions everywhere and Daniel suddenly remembering bits and pieces here or there.

It did calm down because after a while, mom, who was the "host," used her dashboard and muted everyone but herself. She was the only calm looking one in the bunch, and she just asked me if this was all true, and I said it was. She asks if I told my father, I said the first few times yes but afterward no because he never beleived me and I would get grounded somehow for "lying" - I was crying a bit by this point, becauae it was all too much and Sunny was pulling me into her side snd rubbing my arm. My father started to say "Well, Sunny never told anyone about this" and my mom muted him again and just said "Shut the fuck up, Peter." And then asked Violet if it's true she saw this event or any others.

Violet was crying too now and she was not holding Daniel's hand anymore and mumbled that she didn't remember that. Sunny asked her if she didn't remember or didn't want to. Violet got very defensive and said she loves me and wouldn't let someone hurt me if she really knew they were hurting me.

Sunny said "Oh so I guess you never once noticed her cutting herself then" even though  we shared a room and bathroom.

Mom just went "You're cutting yourself?" And I don't know what word salad I tossed but I basically said I used to but worked through it in therapy and haven't for years now. Mom started to cry but she was keeping it together and just asked who else knew. Jeremy meekly said he suspected something, but didn't know what I was doing to myself.

Dad started to interrupt telling Jeremy that of course he didn't know. How could he if I never said anything and rolled out his "Lily lies by omission" speech before saying to John that he's the eldest and was responsible for the youngest so whats his excuse here? That there are 6 kids and Dad worked full time (true) and John was often put in charge of us kids (also true) even after he was moved out and married, but John never told Dad anything about this and it's unfair to spring this on them to paint them as bad guys. So John, how did you not know and if you knew why didn't you tell your mother or I?

John was pissed and even though Sarah was trying to calm him down, he said that I never mentioned any of this to him and never told him about hurting myself. Well his exact words were that he didn't know I was trying to take the cowards way out and end myself. I couldn't take it anymore and just got off the couch to go into the bathroom and cry. So the rest is what Sunny told me but note please we sometimes speak 2 other languages and Sunny doesn't speak either so some she couldn't really relay to me.

They see me leave sobbing and can hear me leave the room. Sunny is glaring at them, trying to transfer all her rage into concentrated energy to somehow make Daniel or my father spontaneous combust so she can hoover their ashes, dump them in a toilet and shit on them - those were her words not mine.

The whole zoom room went quiet and the 3 youngest brothers got on John for taking the tone with me and demonizing mental health struggles. Sunny, because I did say I didn't care how much she told them, disclosed that I cut myself all through high school, got so depressed that when I slept over her place I would sometimes lie and say I've eaten when I hadn't to skip dinner rather than purge and then i would cry myself to sleep. She named all of Daniel's friends who lied for him.

Sarah suggested we all take a break since "everyone is so upset" but Jonas was calm and said the only people who are getting upset here have the right to because either they were harmed by all this or did the harm. John told him to shut up in my fathers native language and Jonas said something back but Sunny didn't know the language but from what I can guess, he probably told John to make him.

Dad started ranting and scolding in his native language and my brothers all shut up. And my mom asked Daniel to give them the room and go to his ever so important meeting but he refused at first saying he was in this family now too to which my mom replied "Do not push your incredible luck, babes, and log the fuck off." Violet asked if she should stay on and mom told her no, as she should sit down with her man and have a discussion and that mom will call her later. Violet didn't argue but she made a show of crying and just logged off.

Mom asked Sunny if I was okay and so she got up and checked on me and came back to them chatting about signs they might have missed. Sunny reported that I was alright and staying with her for a while. Mom thanked her and said to the others that she wants to be made crystal clear - no one is blameless here. John complained that Violet isn't getting this speech. Why did mom not start scolding them all when Violet is the one who brought Daniel home.

Mom said she will be dealing with that talk privately. That Violet is grown and now can now make her choices fully informed. She asks Sunny to have me call when I am ready and to please keep an eye on me.

Sunny told me that mom asked Dad to stay on the line so they can talk and John slammed his computer closed to log out and the others simply looked sad.

Sunny relayed all this to me once I'd showered and she said to not forget to get dressed and "Screw the movie - I invited [our friend group]  out to [our favorite bar]. Let's get the fuck out of here."

I said that I needed to be alone for about an hour to think and she said she understood but she doesn't want me alone right now because she's worried after all that shitstorm so we compromised that she would drop me off at the bar as we are regulars and know the whole staff and I can sit and think alone but in public for the 45ish minutes the errand will take her.

I wrote most of this update there but it turns out I didn't have to think very long at all. Violet had texted and asked if we can talk and I said not right now, and cited that it's girls night so I'm out with Sunny and some friends.

She responded quickly and asked if they're all calling her a bad person, and I asked if she felt that way . I wasn't trying to shame her. I was genuinely curious. She just said she feels ganged up on asked me how much Sunny told me, and I said she told me everything. She asked when we could talk, just me and her, and I said tomorrow (which is today). Then I spent a lot of the night drinking with my friends who did cheer me up a bit.

I was pretty sauced by the time I called my mom. She asked me if I was drunk, and I admitted it like "well yeah, I'm 31, Mom." And she didn't say anything much about it. She said she is at a loss and doesn't know what to do and doesn't know what will help her children in this. She's afraid to make things worse, so what do I wish she would do right now or going forward. I just said that she listened to me and that I know it ended in a sort of circus and maybe we don't need a full peanut gallery next time but it made me happy that she listened to me. She was quiet and asked me if I felt like she didn't listen before and I said she worked a lot, and that's her job so I get it, but sometimes... no. I didn't feel like she was open to listening to me at all. That made her cry, and she kept saying, "I'm so sorry, baby." And I started to cry to so I quickly said I love her and will always love her and she's my mom but I'm not wanting to start up again so let's call it a night, so we ended the call. She did mention that if Vi hasn't already, she will be reaching out to me and said "I want you both to listen to one another fully and really talk about this and whatever choices you both make, you can make informed ones"

I'll transcribed some of what I  can about Violets call this morning on my account and link it here as I don't want to clog this sub up with any more trauma dumps indefinitely. Besides, Sunny, in all her reddit wisdom, found subs that are literally spaces for that lol so thanks for your patience with me and all this bullshit. But if you're too fatigued by this point, I don't blame you, so the overview is - it didn't go well.

And what kind of teacher would I be if I wasn't true to my word. Here's your candy 🍬

Thanks for the kind words. Some of you really are incredible support. Some comments really made me cry. Some made me think. I see my therapist at lunch. I suspect we'll use the full time. I won't bullshit you,  I don't feel better right now. John is on a warpath, Da is ignoring me, the others are just apologizing, but they are just sorry-ing through it and seem to feel really sad. My family feels fractured, which is what I was trying to avoid. But Idk how much longer I would have been able to bear it all alone in secret. I should feel good, right? Like a weight has been lifted or whatever. Instead, I feel like I traded one weight for another. I hate hearing my mom cry. It breaks me into pieces.  I hate feeling like my dad hates me. I hate that my sister blames me for all of this. I hate it all so much, and it's dawning on me that there is no path back to where things used to be. I know logically that this is a good thing or eill be eventually, but right now, I am not ruled by logic. Sorry for the depressing ending, but I guess ce la vie.

Edit: Vi has chosen to go NC with me for a few weeks. I never wanted that, but I can make her choices for her.

  Aug 26th, 2024

If you're here, you want to know the nitty gritty of the call I had the morning after the Zoom call from hades with my family. So here it is. I translated some of this because we sometimes switch in the languages my father speaks with his family, so some might sound a bit stilted and weird. I'm no linguist. But I'd did record it. I don't know what I wanted to come of that, but Sunny and some of you convinced me better safe than sorry. I hate that I can't trust my twin. But I frankly don't.

On to it.

Violet called right on time at 6 am. She had work, and were I not take time off, I would too. I never told my family I was taking time off. I didn't want to further guilt anyone or make them feel blamed for my current state.

We small talked a bit. She saw our neice the other day. My homestate has lovely weather right now, anything and everything to avoid the elephant.

Then she said "Well yesterday sucked."

I laughed and said "Fuck. It was the worst but maybe for the best."

She says "you really think so?"

Me: No, or I don't know. Not sure about it really.

Sister:  You're not the only one getting blowback on this.

Me: I don't know how you want me to respond to that.

Sister: That's what you're giving me right now?

Me: I tried to tell you privately. Remember that?

Sister: So you decide embarrassment is better?

Me: I didn't call a family meeting.

Sister: You never told me -

Me: Bullshit. I did. More than once. Whatever you're about to say you and I both know I tried. 

Sister: The cutting. You never told me.

Me: Vi, I didn't even try to hide it from you.

Sister: that's not the same thing.

Me: Okay so what do you want from me right now? What do you want me to say?

Sister: sorry would be nice.

Me: you first then.

Sister: for what? I went on what I knew, what I was told, I never assumed anything.

Me: are you really saying this right now? Do you even beleive yourself?

Sister: My wedding might be off now because you needed what? What did you want from this?

Me: I dunno.

Sister: You don't know? So my relationship with Daniel- and Mom by the way- casualties  because you don't know?

Me: (crying): I wanted to not be the troubled one for five seconds okay? I wanted the truth to come out. I wanted you beleive me-

Sister: oh get off it. I get it. I'm the bad guy like you made dad the bad guy and now they are divorcing. Is that what you wanted?

Me: what do you mean they're divorcing.

Sister: check our chat. Dad's not even home.

Me: that's not my fault.

Sister: Nothing ever is now, is it?

Me: That isn't fair.

We fight a lot and I admit to saying some mean things just as much as she did but then I ask her: Did you know?

Sister: ...Daniel told me.

Me: when?

Sister: when he got home. But he's not who he was. We were kids, Leelee. (She calls me a dumb nickname pnly she uses when she's upset)

Me: I was a kid too. How does he get a pass for lying so much and especially to you and making it look like he's taking moral high ground by burying a fucking hatched he weilded?

Sister: it's fucked up. It's all so fucked up now. I told him and I said he was a dick for lying. And for what he did. But his mom was sick. It wasn't personal.

Me: So what am I supposed to do?

Sister: he's offered to apologize. Would that help, do you think?

I don't respond so she asks again and I don't answer that time either.

Sister: would it help if I apologized?

Me: would you mean it?

Sister: What do you mean would I mean it? For fuck sake-

Me: Vi. I'm tired. I dont want a fight. I'm all out of fight. I've full up to here with fights. I can't defend my position anymore. I can't repeat the same shit over and over and you not hear me. I'm done trying to convince you or anyone. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I can't do this anymore. I'm so damn tired.

And I break down. She stays on the line awhile  and then just hangs up.

I've pulled myself together enough to make Sunny breakfast and see her off to work. So its just me and the dog. So I think I will find a place with a patio and take my dog out for a spell and just take up some sunshine.

Edit: Vi texted me just now the below -

Listen, I'm sorry. This all is just too much. It's like I don't know you anymore. You hid a lot from me and I am your twin. I should know everything there is to know about you and you should know the same about me. When did this happen to us where we don't share anymore? K. I think I need some space from you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I really am, Lil. But this is fucking with my sanity and I just can't deal with you and take care of myself and take care of the people I need to take care of. I'll unblock you in a couple weeks. I love you lots. Take care of yourself.

  Aug 26th, 2024

Well ain't today the day that keeps on giving. I got out of therapy feeling...OK. Not good, certainly not great, and maybe not even better or maybe it is. I dunno anymore. I'm glad I went because I really was just going to cancel and lay back down on Sunny's couch and hug my dog until I could sleep. But it turns out I needed to talk things out.

I preempting a lot by sending my therapist this entire account link and I guess she's a fast reader. We sat down and talked it out and she helped me make some really hard choices.

I'm going LC with Dad and John specifically. How long is tbh but the family group chat has been taken over by their dick measuring contest and trying to figure out who is more to blame. It was so bad that Jonas made another chat specifically without them and Violet so we can resume sending meaningless memes and such.

My therapist helped me craft my texts to both of them. It basically said that I understand this is hard for them, but it's been hard on me too. I told John that I do not blame him for not knowing what he didn't know and that I was sorry Dad is trying to shift blame on him. But that does not excuse blaming me. And until he is able to see the situation for what it is, it's best I go LC. I want to keep contact for the sake of his kids who I adore and would die for, and that I care about him and as I am getting therapy, I hope he will too.

I told Dad that John is not at fault. John is not my parent. I told Dad that now when I have negative thoughts, it's in his voice. His choice to say he won't be my Dad may have been an empty threat in his mind but the impact of that was massive. I need space away from him. I don't know for how long, but I can't find a healthy balance with him right now and the way he treated me really hurts.

I had no time to even block him. Dad shot back at me and asked if this is "my precious daughter talking" or if I am parroting my Mom. Idk what that means but I can make a guess. I said no, it's Lily. A person he really never got to know. He said he won't accept that and that I am punishing him for not being close to me by not allowing him the chance to be close to me and shutting him out. He started to make demands. We call once a week. I visit more often. Things like that. I said no. He said then he will visit me. I said no. He said "You can't tell me what to do. That's not how that works." I said he won't be welcomed and if he can't take LC for a time then I will go NC. This is my boundary and a hill I will die on, so he should think before he makes a decision.  He called me callous and uncaring and hasn't replied anything else so I blocked him for now.

I did get to chat briefly wirh Jonas. He was crying a lot and saying he was sorry. He said he was wrapped up in his own drama and didn't dig deeper to find out what was going on with me and now he feels like a worthless brother. I told him he isn't worthless. He's my big brother. And I love him to death. Now that everything is out in the open, we can confront it head on one small step at a time. He then said "You're not mad at me?" And I said I was before for a long time, but I had lumped him in with everyone. There was a time I was mad at the world. I dont miss the person that caused me to become. He said from now on, he will try to do better and he was sorry about dad's attitude. I'm glad I was able to talk with him.

Jeremy...is another story. He's just gone silent. No one has heard from him yet. If I know him the way I think I do, he's balling it all up inside and beating himself up. Out of my brother's, he's the deep feeler, and the one I am closest to. He's protective, somewhat overly so. I would hazard a guess that he isn't very okay right now. Mom texted that she will check on him.

I did reply and asked how she is and she told me now is not the time to be concerned about her. It's time she be a mother. So she will see after her children. We all chimed in to say that she is actually amazing in her own way and this alone didn't make her a bad mother. She only said that nevertheless, she has making up to do and hasn't much responded from there either.

I wish I could say that I felt things, but I'm honestly so numb right now. I think I've cried as much as one human can, and the urge to cut was really loud in my head. Past tense. That wave passed finally and I took a deep breath like I was holding one in for days. My therapist is really on board with me using reddit. She said she likes how expressive I am when it's pretty anonymous and maybe that's a way I can let things out. Guess I'm here to stay.

She gave me homework on that front. Apparently there are subs for the collective shitstorms that have become my life. I can post there or post right here just on my account. So fuck it, I guess.

Lastly I am considering a leave of absence from work. I love what I do, but I really need time to process before I throw myself in a room of tiny humans with big feelings. I always try to show up and bring my A game for my kids but right now,  I'm a D - game at best and a flunker at worst. I do have a lot of PTO and I might use a chunk. Travel. Update my home. Go on weird misadventures with the dog. Idk. Havebt decided yet.

If you're still reading,  thanks for going on a sliver of my odd journey with me. For everyone who sent me sweet messages, sorry for not responding to all but it's a LOT and I am still just so tired. I know the tiredness will give way to the grief again. I expect to cycle through some extremes for a while.

I know not everyone is her biggest fans but my Mom has really been stepping up. She's paying for my therapy now, and has joined Facebook (which for her trust me is a big deal) just to add all of us. She said she is going to therapy soon (starts next week), and offered to delve into savings if any of my siblings wish to start and she will pay for the first 3 months for any of us but for me, she says a year. It's a huge financial relief and I am so grateful because now I can take up the emergency session option that wasn't covered by insurance and don't have to deal with the out of pocket bills for a while.

Im going to work on my homework. I'm sitting in a pub I like in my city watching the rain, and waiting for a late lunch date with another bestie. I guess I have to come up with a name for her eventually.  Not now though.

I will try to end these depressing rants with a positive qoute or thought from now on. This qoute is actually from Sunny in response to a comment we read somewhere in my posts where someone said something about the axe forgetting but the tree remembers. Sunny said "Funny thing about trees though, their roots are deep, and they can heal and so can you."

I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in and .

trigger warnings: Emotional abuse, homophobic language

AITA for calling my parents by their first names after they didn’t punish my brother for a hurtful comment?

I’m 17M, and I was adopted by my parents, Peter and Jayne, when I was 4 years old. They’ve always been open about my adoption, and I’ve never felt like they treated me any differently because of it. They have two other kids, my siblings, who are 12M and 9F. We’ve always been a close family, and I’ve always considered Peter and Jayne to be my real parents.

But last week, I had an argument with my 12 year old brother. I can’t even remember what started it, but in the middle of it, he suddenly said, “Mum and Dad aren’t even your real parents.” Hearing that from him hurt more than I can explain. I’ve always seen him as my little brother, and I never imagined he’d say something so cruel.

Afterward, I went to Peter and Jayne, expecting them to be as upset as I was. But instead of grounding him or making him apologise, they just said he didn’t mean it and probably didn’t realise how hurtful it was. They pretty much brushed it off, and that made me feel like my feelings weren’t important.

Since then, I’ve been calling them by their first names instead of “Mum” and “Dad.” I know it’s getting on their nerves because they’ve asked me to stop, but I’ve refused. I told them I’ll stop when they either punish my brother or at least make him apologise for what he said. If he’s going to say they aren’t my real parents, then why should I call them Mum and Dad?

Now they’re upset with me, saying I’m being petty and that I’m overreacting. My dad has even started calling me “Princess” because he says I’m acting like one. I know he’s trying to make me feel bad or embarrassed, but honestly, it just makes me feel worse. From where I stand, it feels like they didn’t take what my brother said seriously enough, and that’s why I’m doing this. I don’t want to feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing, but at the same time, I can’t just let this go without some sort of consequence. What my brother said really hurt me, and I need them to understand that.

AITA?

Comments from OOP:

He [Peter] used to call me stuff like that all the time and he knows it pisses me off, which is why he's doing it. He labelled me as 'gay' for 3 years because I wanted to do ballet until I finally quit.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. I don't think he's abusive or anything. But he gets like this when he's upset and just says nasty things to everyone. It doesn't happen that often though.

I have explained why it's upset me so much, when I did I started crying and that's when my dad started calling me princess. That's embarrassing, but this is the reason why I've used a throwaway account

Update: AITA for calling my parents by their first names after they didn’t punish my brother for a hurtful comment?

First off, thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last post. I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear that my feelings are valid, so it means a lot.

Since I last posted, things have taken a different turn. My little brother actually came to me and apologised on his own. He looked really sorry and said he didn’t mean what he said, and that he didn’t realise how much it would hurt me. We had a good talk, and I honestly believe he meant it. I’ve forgiven him, and we’re back to being okay with each other. So at least that’s one thing sorted.

But now, the real issue is with Peter. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been standing my ground or what, but instead of things getting better, they’ve just gotten worse. He’s still calling me "Princess" every chance he gets, but it’s gone beyond just teasing. Yesterday he actually posted a picture of a bunch of dresses on his Facebook page and tagged me in it with the caption, "Bet you’d like these, Princess!" A few of his friends even commented on it, laughing and making joke about me.

I felt so humiliated, and when I tried to talk to him about how hurtful it was, he just brushed it off and said I need to learn to take a joke.

Jayne, as usual, is trying to play peacemaker, but she’s not really doing much to stop Peter. She keeps saying things like, "You know how your dad is, he doesn’t mean any harm," but that’s not good enough for me. I’m still upset that neither of them took what my brother said seriously in the first place, and now it feels like Peter is making things even worse.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m seriously thinking about just keeping my distance from Peter. I’ve been avoiding him as much as possible, but it’s hard when we live in the same house. It’s like I’m being punished for standing up for myself, and I’m not sure what to do anymore. My friend said I can come and stay with him and I am genuinely considering it.

Again, thank you to everyone who’s been supportive. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this situation, I’m all ears. I don’t know how much longer I can keep putting up with this.

Final update

Hello people it has been a while since I was on here but I wanted to come back and make this post to clarify a few things. I've seen a lot of people call my dad abusive that is simply not the case. My dad is a very loving person who sometimes likes to joke around but never intends harm with his jokes. He does sometimes take a joke too far but again he does not intend to hurt anyones feelings and is definitely not abusive with the way he acts. I've come to realise that I did overreact in the way I behaved and I shouldn't have even posted anything about my parents online. But I am making this post just to set the record straight one last time. I apologised to my parents for being too sensitive because again they never intended to hurt my feelings and certainly are not abusive. I know my parents love me more than anything and do consider me family so I should not have suggested they didn't. Even though I was overreacting with how I was behaving dad still took me to my favourite restaurant when I started talking with him again. Does that seem like an abusive person to you? I think everyone here is maybe projecting their own issues onto me and my dad because I can tell you he is not abusive at all. This is going to be my last post here because I shouldn't have even posted any private information about my family and shouldn't have spoken about a private family matter online like this because if anyone found out who we were I could put my parents jobs in danger because of how you people were misunderstanding our relationship.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I'm not going to be the MOH for my Sister's Wedding because she's marrying my bully [Part 1 of 2]

I am not OP. That is who posted and OP's own page

TW: child neglect, harassment, physical abuse, verbal abuse, body shaming, past trauma

  Aug 23rd, 2024

Yeah, pretty much the title.

This will be long because while god in her wisdom plagued me with empathy  to the tits and a helluva good ass, she forgot to bless me with brevity. I lurk on subs like this all the time and see comments to long posts lamenting their wizened minds, having spent actual whole minutes voluntarily reading a long post, longing for those moments back.

So here's your warning. Don't be a twatwaffle. Passover me if you've not the time or desire to hear my tale of woe. I will rant.

As you might notice, I'm the snarky one. I've 4 older brothers and one twin sister "Violet" (she and I are both F31). We were an oops baby and then the wtf babies when mom found out her oops came with a spare. For all intents and purposes, I am the spare. My parents did want a girl. They wanted a girl. Big difference.

Mom tells the story often that Violet came out quite easily, hardly any labor but "Lily was trouble the moment she was born". So over time I just was like 🤷‍♀️ fuck it. I'm the trouble? Then I aim to misbehave.

We're not identical and Violet is absolutely beautiful, feminine, bright and bubbly, she's goddamn Jean Grey of the X-Men practically. I'm more of Rogue. Not the classic one more like that cartoon reboot from the 2000s when they made them all teens and Rogue was standoffish, self sabotaging, and goth.

I'm only goth on Tuesdays, but I did have a streak of time where I self sabotaged. Teen years were a bitch (ammirite?) and when you're  the less favorite girl of 6 kids (8 if you count the dogs), your self esteem tends to tank. Violet was the first at everything (first to walk, talk, all that shit) according to my parents, but then she became the first to date, the first to get awards, do a show.

And hey, it's because she's kickass. My sister is the most brilliant woman I know after my mom. I'm not kidding when I say I look up to her a lot. She's almost effortlessly everything people like and I was always just a little ray of shitshine. I guess I am the first of us 2 on a few things. First to get diagnoses with a learning disability, and first to get arrested (I am actually sort of proud of that one but we're not here to talk about that lol)... The first in the family to get what dad called a stress stutter (I do have a mild stutter but I can manage fine unless under a lot of duress) so hey she's not the best at everything right?

We were really close and I didn't really notice us drifting apart truly until high school and by then, I had my own problems. One being fucking Daniel Swift (fake name) - this sloppy knob was always picking on me. He and his crew made school and community events absolute hell for me since grade school.

When we were young most adults said that it was because he liked me. But by the end of Middle School it was real clear the dude hated my guts. He always compared me to my sister and had to point out how inferior I was. Even when we were small he would be so confused as to if we are twins, why is one of you pretty and the other isn't?

By Middle School he had a name for me - it's to do with my irl name so let's say for this it's Lumpy Lily. Just a name to remind me that I was I was fat. Looking back I know I wasn't, puberty hit me fast and hard and boom, baby got back. He was relentless, and his friends were too. I told on him once because a teacher found me crying as I was forcing myself to throw up in the bathroom during practice. I don't know how but he managed to turn it around on me saying I was bullying him and his friends vouched for him, so I got suspended from the team during the season and had to write an apology letter in detention.  He once slapped me and I went to tell but he denied it saying I punched him in the stomach and he turned on water works and his friends said they saw me hit him and call him a loser.

My parents were so upset with me and my dad had to leave work to pick me up, he didn't beleive me at all that I didn't do these things. He would rant that I'm not the only kid and I need to stop being so much trouble. So I shut down, kept my head down, and didn't bother to say anything. He called me the defective one, the spare, the botched clone, everything he could think of - some were admittably clever but all were cruel. When Daniel picked on me, I would ignore him, and if I couldn't,  I just endured it.

Senior year he wasn't around much and I heard his mom died. It was the first year I was without his constant teasing and it was the best year of my life. I feel terrible but I was so glad he wasn't there even if it was because of something so awful I myself could never imagine enduring - the loss of a mom. I got into some hobbies, even made a good friend "Sunny" (now F31).

Well you made it past the prologue - good work, so here's the actual issue.

Fast forward to now. I live a state over and have my main job as an educator. I love what I do. It feels good most of the time, but hey this ain't Disney, sometimes being teacher sucks raw rotten eggs in the summer heat to be sure. But I get to be the adult I wish I had in the room when I was young. Sunny lives a city over from me which in all honesty is a mere 20 min drive in traffic. So we see each other often. She's easily my best friend.

Violet and I are still close, and same with my brother's, but we're all 30+ now some with kids and spouses and full ass lives so we don't talk much. Violet and I would have calls and sometimes facetimes. My sister is incredible, she became a nurse but quickly realized she wanted to be a nurse practitioner and now she is out there helping people in need by donating most of her time outside of work at the shelter in our hometown. She looks after our parents and make sure they have all they need. She owns a house, has an Etsy business, a blog, hell a tiktok. She's kicking ass and I couldn't be prouder.

Last year she was all excited because she thought she found the one. She called him James. Every picture of him he's this big ex military dude with tatts and a beard and those douchey big sunglasses some guys never take off to save their lives. You know the ones. No shade if you do that too but if you also own a truck as well and have a "come and take it" sticker on it...a teensie bit of shade. Cuz "James" did.

What? You think I wasnt going to cyber stalk my only sister's "the one"? The fuck outta here. I stalked the shit out of him but he had no socials other than a LinkedIn. Former Marine, then contracted himself out before owning his own full-time business consulting.

I was happy for my sister because she really was the woman who had everything but what she wanted was to fall in love and have that chicken flick romance when you kiss and your leg pops and get married, have babies, ride off into the sunset, get kissed in the rain and all that sappy crap. I get it. And my sleuthing came up with nothing to naysay James and I wasn't going to yuk her yum on her taste in dudes because my bias of living in a state with dudebros who love their trucks and shades more than life itself. Fuck it, she's happy.

So this past Easter rolled around and I was talking with Vi about how excited I was to be around her and the boys and again and she mentioned that she was bringing James. I dont remember what I said but I said something about being excited to finally meet this guy since dad and our eldest brother already have and said he's  a stand up dude. She got quiet and kinda had the tone like "yeah about that", so I paused to asked what was wrong. She said she needed to talk to me because James is my old crush from school. I was confused because while I was close with my siblings I neve talked about crushes with most of them and definitely not Violet. It just wasn't what we talked about.

I said I don't remember crushing on a James. And that's when she said that he went by his middle name Daniel in school. Now, "Daniel's" irl name is pretty common so I was like "well, I don't remember a Daniel I crushed on but which one do you mean?" And we narrowed it down to that soggy twatcicle.

There wasn't much to say after that other than I never had a crush on him. She was relieved to hear that. She said she actually didn't realize James and Daniel were one and the same herself until he brought it up on like the 4th date or something and then she felt bad but by then she was already developing feelings and couldn't bear the thought of hurting me nor waking away from her chance at love.

I decided to tell her a bit at Easter and I did pull her aside before he arrived as we all stay the night before over the parents' house. I told her most of what I've now told you. This guy made my life hell. Violet was devestated and she kept saying "you're sure it's him?" And "that was years ago maybe you've got it wrong" to the point that I got frustrated and sort of gave up. Easter was tense, but Daniel did say hi to me like "Long time no see! Remember me?" And I just said "oh I do" and kept my distance.

From then on it was a dance. Mother's Day, Father's Day, mom and dad's anniversary, a brother's birthday, you get it - Good old Daniel is around. By this point, I've told two of my brothers some of what's happening because they had scolded me for being standoffish around him and they assumed I was pissy about Daniel "taking my only sister". Once they knew though, they weren't happy.

We all got together again for Juneteenth and of course Dandy Daniel was there but this time Vi had a ring. My mother screamed with excitement,  whooping through the restaurant telling any and everyone her baby girl is getting married. When the parents went home, us siblings bar hopped the main street in the city to catch parts of the parade. Vi pulled me aside and inquired why I was avoiding her and I just said I am happy for her if he makes her happy - she's my sister and I would die for her.  It's just complicated that he's my bully from school and I don't want to be around him.

She got quiet and said well thank goodness the bridesmaids and the groomsmen won't be interacting a lot and as MOH I would have minimal contact with him on the actual day. Then she started talking dresses and I stopped her. I don't think I can be maid of honor. I don't feel comfortable in the same space as this person. MOH usually is a big job and interacts a lot with the couple.

She shot back that well after he will be her husband so...? Am I to avoid him the rest of our natural lives? How? When they have kids? How do I  plan to pull that off? She broke down saying I am ruining everything for my misconceptions about him and making it out that she has to choose between her love and her sister and it's not fair. I said whoa hold on what misconceptions? That he bullied me?

Violet went off "okay I tried not to bring this up becauase I didn't want an argument but you bullied him - remember?" And she went on to say she confronted him about my "allegations" and he explained that I'm she had it wrong way round. Even now in our 30s he can't admit to pushing me, hitting me, calling me every name he could come up with and worse she was hoovering his bullshit like a buffet.

  I lost it. I told her before, I told her each time again and again that I didn't do those things. He always spun it around on me, and his friends would lie so it would be my word against theirs and no one ever beleived me except once when he was caught on camera and wven then it was made as retalliation by my "bullying of him". She huffed "okay then what if he apologizes to you for 'bullying'" using air qoutes.

Maybe it was the sangria but I just laughed and said you know what? Fine. You don't have to beleive me. It doesn't matter now anyway. But I can't be MOH. She cried and our brothers came to keep the peace but I was done with it.  When my dad dropped me off at the airport later that day, he said that he hopes I think this through and if my perception of things is more important than family, that's my choice but when he and mom are gone, all we will have is each other and this "squabble" is too much. He asked me to please not make trouble over this. I kissed him goodbye and took my damn flight.

Now my sister is still in the group chat acting like I am MOH. My older brother is nudging me to just get over myself and not stress Violet out. Then this morning I am added to a new chat with a few folks and my sister. She texted us as the "wedding party" and listed me as the MOH. I wanted to call her to remove this, but now I am second guessing. I am happy to attend, hell I will bartend, sing, give a speech, anything, but I just don't want to stand up there as if I am on board with this.

Maybe he's changed and that's swell. But it took years of therapy, lots of love from my friends,  an intense amount of support groups, and so much effort to get to the somewhat normal I have. I don't purge anymore, I don't cut anymore, I actually communicate with my partner and my friends. It took so much to get over all that fucking hurt. And when I'm with my family, I'm labeled as trouble despite years of not asking for anything, not wanting to rock the boat with them. It feels like I can't be myself back home now and it sucks but this extra layer - Daniel - I can't just plaster a fake smile on grin and bear this like I did other things for so many years.

I'm  already the oddball, which hey someone's gotta be, and I moved state to avoid being judged on what scraps I managed to scramble up to make my messy, weird, awesome, amazing life. But I feel like I am up against the wall. So maybe I am just a selfish little kitten scratching at anyone trying to love me, but there it is. AITA?

Edit: What in the spaceballs is going on!? I fell asleep and woke up to over a thousand notifcations! The fuck? I really tried to read all the comments but it's not even 730 here and baby needs her coffee and I have an international DND session today, (I DM part time) so I will try start replying after that but some themes I want to address here as I can, blurry eyed as I might be.

My favorite comment of all time thus far that I've read is claiming my story is fake - nothing special there, comments like that and trolls are a dime a dozen - but theory was that I use English turns of phrases but clearly based in the USA. Congrats. You wanted to catch me out but the explanation is really far more simple than I think you're wanting. Dad is not born here. He's African by decent but raised across the pond and met Mom and never left and had us. Sorry it's not as interesting as you wanted. Lol

I guess I will have to name the brothers for this to not get too confusing. I was afraid of that. Here we go, in order of birth my siblings are John (M42), Jacob (M40), Jonas (M37), Jeremy (M35) and of course Violet and then myself Lily (F31).

John is the brother leaning on me about sulking it up and just going to the wedding but that's no big shock as he and my father are usually quite aligned. Very stereotypical eldest child syndrome.

Anyway, Dad was the hands on parent most of the time when Violet and I were younger because Mom works a job that requires a lot of travel. So he essentially is the boots on the ground with 6 kids. Please be gentle about it. He may not be perfect but he had a lot on his plate and he does his best.

By the time Mom would talk to me about getting in trouble at school I was already shut down and just wouldn't answer her. She had me go to therapy but I wouldn't talk tl the therapist either. So she put me in lots of extracurriculars - I think in her own way because she didn't get my side of the story and could get the proverbial blood from a rock, she hoped to keep me busy and well rounded to keep me out of trouble. Like I said, 6 kids to manage is a lot. Probably why I don't want kids at the moment to be honest.

After I posted Jeremy called me to ask if I was alright and I got a little overwhelmed. I didn't cry but I think he could hear the stress in my voice. I told him everything about Daniel and now he's really upset. I know he's already said something to Jonas because he's been texting me to check up on me and to ask about what's going on.

As for why my own twin didn't know about my bullying since we would be in the same classes- we weren't. We were in seperate homerooms because we had a lot of unhealthy attachment to one another when we were little - so administration made the call to keep us seperate. Plus I mentioned I have a slight stutter, it was a real problem at school because I was an anxious one. I was pulled for speech therapy and the like a lot. All that to say, at school I saw my sister in passing maybe but not a lot and by High School we frankly just ran in different circles.

Anyway baby needs her coffee before Godzilla levels another city.

  Aug 24th, 2024

Sunny is helping me with this since reddit is more her thing. So here's the last post. It's too much for me to add here, and I made a new posted update because the last post was long. This one will be, too. So once again, if that's not your bag, don't read. Or do, whatever? It's your life. Lol 😆

I just wanted to start by saying thanks to everyone who gave kind or even some unkind advice. It's actually heartening and heartbreaking to know so many of you have gone through this sort of stuff.

But okay holy moly righteous canoli what the fuck. When Sunny suggested I lost here I figured I would get a couple comments but this...went crazy. There were so many comments I'm so sorry if I didn't reply (unless you were a twatwaffle - get therapy.) But there were literally HUNDREDS which as you might imagine is an overwhelming number. To anyone complaining I didn't respond - I mean, sorry, but I do have a life and stuff to do away from this app. It's been barely a day and I have side gigs.

So let me cover some basis I saw a LOT in the comments.

NC isn't really a first option for me - my family isn't perfect but they're my family. LC would be hard but far more of an option. I've already moved out of my homestate and have my family on an information diet concerning a lot of my day to day life and that worked mostly until now. I respect that some of you are autonomous enough that you can go NC but I'm not like you I guess. We're a large family and both parents come from large families - it's just too much admin and I would be miserable. I love my family and I can't just shut that off.

Some comments suggested Daniel is obsessed with either me or my sister or both and that...is too much for my brain to take in. The effort that would take is frankly a lot. My hometown is not a town at all but a city, and a populated one at thay. After graduation a lot of us lost touch with one another unless we gave an effort to keep ties.

Others have said that he might hurt my sister and I will only say this - he better fucking not.

Some of you sent links of what is supposed to be his side but it's literally labeled a shitpost and Sunny traced it to some group making fun of me. Nice to know Daniel isn't alone on being a bully. Weird read but funny so thanks for sharing it.

And finally I am in therapy. I've been consistently in therapy since leaving home. I was messed up a lot in the soul and the head when I left and it took a lot of time, effort, and coping mechanisms to help me sort myself out. I'm no Disney princess but I am proud of who I am now.

And let's get to it.

So in order of birth my siblings are John (M42), Jacob (M40), Jonas (M37), Jeremy (M35) and of course Violet and then myself Lily (F31). Mom will be Mom (F63), Dad will be Dad (M67). I don't know how relevant it is but Dad is the stepfather technically for John. Dunno how relevant that is but whatever.

John is the brother leaning on me about sucking it up and just going to the wedding. My 3 other brothers have now heard my side of things since my last post.

This morning I got a call from Mom. She and usually text so a call is serious. I paused my virtual DND game and got everyone on an early break. Mom skipped the usual how are you bs and just went for "Lillian I need the truth from you. What's going on with you and this man?"

So I told her the truth. He bullied me, I never lied about it. I only ever hit him once when we were kids to get him away from me. His friends lied and backed him up when he would blame things on me. I didn't have time to give her all the details but I told her the cliffnote version. But I knew one of my brothers snitched and suspect Jeremy and i had no way to kmow what she knows so I outlined it all. She just asked me if my sister knew and I told her what happened Juneteenth. She asked me why I didn't say anything but everyone in my DND group came back on so we couldn't talk more and told her I would text her once I was free.

After DND I texted her and she called again, we talked more, she got upset. Why didn't I say anything? Why did I push her away? She wanted to know the whens, the where's, the whos...and I just said "Dunno, I just didn't want more trouble" and I could hear her either scoff, or sib, not sure. She said "I'm sorry baby." And then asked if inhad time tonight to talk more but I will be honest, this 2nd round telling my mom these things wmotionally drained me, so I said I am free tomorrow but going to see a movie tonight with friends. She understood.

I texted Sunny as we have plans today and she mentioned to me that my brother Jeremy had reached out to her asking all sort of questions and that we can talk more tonight but to be warned that my family is asking questions and she suspect sooner or later, my sister will have words for me. Dunno what that means, but will enjoy girls night nonetheless.

I don't know what will happen just that I will fight for my family and love them as hard as I can. But I won't be yielding on this boundary. I love my sister but the amount of my peace damaged by being near Daniel and dealing with issues he has brought into my life and that if my family, is too much for me to fake through. A commenter suggests I be more bold about my dislike of him, but I don't want to be "that" sister. What I think I will do is be more matter of fact about it. Maybe that will make me the asshole and I'm okay with be branded as bitter or jealous or whatever. I'm just tired and overwhelmed now and it's now bleeding into my every day life and interactions with my circle here where I live and I even thought about cutting again. I dpnt want to be like that and I refuse to go backwards.

I don't know how to end these posts so I will end this one with a qoute I like and update if anything happens later: It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow up to be.

Signed with love, Trouble

  Aug 25th, 2024

There's a lot to cover so you can read my and should you feel the need and have the time and patience lol my friend is here with me and she said this is the sub for this so if she's wrong, sorry.  Please be nice I'm just frankly not in any shape for internet beef.

On to it. So I am 1 of 6 children, and the youngest...I'm also a twin. No, not identical (I get asked that a lot).  I really love my family and was raised to view family as everything - the people who hold above all others, the people you fight for and who will fight for you, the people you sacrifice for as they sacrifice for you, the people you trust the most. In my previous posts, I outlined the whole situation with my sister getting engaged to a guy who relentlessly bullied me in my school days and frankly made life unbearable and my sister has been all but demanding I be the MOH. I won't blame him outright for my mental health issues entirely, but I would never say he didn't  have a hand in me developing an eating disorder, a desire for cutting, and other damaging issues. I am in therapy now and have been since I moved out of my childhood home.

My sister doesn't believe he bullied me, it seems, and instead believes it's the other way round. That I bullied him. My father also believes this. On my life,  that isn't even a little bit true. He would torment me and had viscious nicknames to call me, elaborate insults, and spread horrid rumors about me. I avoided him because if I told, he would get his friends to back him up when he would tell any and every adult who questioned him that I would bully him. He pushes me? He would tell the teacher I punched him in the gut. Once he actually got caught because there were cameras and lo and behold the narrative shifted into he had had enough of my bullying so he retaliated and all of this was just him trying to defend himself. So I would again be reprimanded or punished because poor Daniel had it so hard and I shouldn't be mean to a kid who has a sick mother at home and a hardworking father. I just learned to keep my head down and shut up.

Recently my mother asked me for the truth of what our history was and I told her. I told her everything. I was emotional, but also felt like there was this wall I couldn't get past. It was hard to drag the words out of my mouth on one hand, and on the other it felt like floodgates have been opened and I couldn't shut up. My mom listened to me and was getting upset to hear about all this as she didn't know - after my dad blamed me and didn't beleive me the first time, things got really bad - I stopped talking about it and for a time stopped talking period so I never told my mom even when she had asked since she was out of town for work at the time.

She said she was sorry and I believe she really meant it. I was so spent and mentally and spiritually drained and my depression came back full force. I vomited and couldn't get any sleep and my best friend stayed up most of the night with me because I said that the self harming thoughts were surfacing again and i didn't want to be alone. It just all brought me back to being that kid no one beleived and that no one took the time to care about, that isolated quiet kid who used self harm to feel any sort of control or feeling other than this damn pit of loneliness. That kid who when I got SA'd in college (not by Daniel), I didn't even bother to report it or tell my family, because I simply never expected to be beleived. I beleived so deeply that I would just be blamed.

That's a lot of word vomit, sorry for the rant.

After  my talk with  mom yesterday, and the night from hell Sunny witnesses me go through, Sunny cancelled all her plans and made an elaborate iternary to keep me busy and distract me from being sucked into my thoughts today. She's a good one, I know.

We started off having a lot of fun. We went to live music and brunch, got tickets for a movie later today, hit the museums in the city, and enjoyed mimosas. I almost forgot about my shitty situation for a while.

We were at lunch when my dad happened. I guess my mom talked to him about everything.  He had called 3 times but I just texted "Sorry really busy at the moment. I will call back tonight. Everything okay?" And it devolved from there (I changed some info for privacy) :

Dad: Okay? No, it's not okay. You've upset your mother. Again. You will call back NOW.

Me: How did I upset her? She didn't tell me. And like I said I'm busy but will call back when I can tonight.

Dad: You need to fix this. Take responsibility for yourself.

Me: I don't know what you mean.

Dad: You do. Don't play cheeky.

Me: Dad, please just be plain. What is it you want?

Dad: You need to call your mother and stop blaming me for your being a difficult child. You threw me under one fuck of a bus. Take responsibility for yourself and stop causing trouble.

Me: I never blamed you for anything so what do you want me to take responsibility for?

Dad: 🤣 Oh so you're playing this game. Okay. Cute.

Me: I don't know what you mean by "game". I don't know what bus I threw you under. I dont know what you want me to say to mom. I don't know why you're acting this way. Why won't you just be plain and tell me what you want? I never meant to cause any drama.

Dad: I talked to your sister, I know you've been trying to rewrite history and be trouble for Daniel. He's been really trying to build bridges with you and you're trying to make him out as a bad guy. That's not fair to him or your sister. I tried to stay out of this but now your lying to your mother. You need to tell the truth.

Me: OK, Dad. Want the truth? The truth is he bullied me. I avoid him because of that. Dad: 🤣 You're embarrassing yourself. Me: The truth is also that you never once beleived me and never gave me the benefit of ANY doubt. Mom asked for the truth and I told her.

Dad: Lillian stop it. This tale you tell yourself wasn't cute then and it's not now. You're an adult. This childish tantrum you're having is so immature. It's embarrassing. It's hurting the entire family and you're selfishness when Daniel has tried to mend things is nasty. You were raised better. I'm so deeply disappointed in you.

I didn't reply to that mostly because I had started crying. A lot. And we were in public. So Sunny got me in the car and let me sob. She said my dad is a royal bastard (not her exact words but I think her exact words go against guidelines or something.)  I argued with her that he had 6 kids, a full time job, and a full plate and I was the least of my siblings. He's doing his best with what he has. She got angry with me and just yelled "Bull-fucking-shit" and took my phone and replied to my dad in a group chat with her number.

"Hi Mister Gardener. This is Sunny Willows. And just in case you try to twist this, feel free to reply to MY number. Lily is telling the truth. I know because I was there and saw some of it firsthand. Am I a liar? 🤔 Why don't you give me a call and I will lay it out for you and you can call me a liar directly. I saw Daniel or James or whatever his name is now slap her, throw things at her, curse her out...

She then took screenshots of the whole thing. About an hour ago, my mother sent in the family group chat to please clear our plans for a set time in a few hours, as we need to video chat ASAP and when I looked, Sunny's instincts were correct becauase Dad deleted his texts I transcribed above and just said "Don't you worry. I won't be speaking to you about this anymore. Talk to your mother about it. I'm done."

I got upset and tried to call and he answered with asking me if I am calling about Daniel and I said no, I just hate that I've upset him but swore to God it was the truth. He said "Then you've lied to me." And basically said if what I am saying is true then I've lied by omission all this time and now trying to paint him as the villain. So, he's over it. If he's such a bad father, he won't bother to father me anymore  then - since clearly that's what is best for me. Then he hung up.

I've been a wreck since. I told Sunny who heard my side of the conversation as it was happening. She called him a manipulative little bitch and said she wants to be there for this family video call. I'm glad she'll be there as I don't  know what's going to happen but I know I can't face it alone. I think he just basically disowned me. I know that's not exactly what he said but how the hell else am I supposed to take it? I'm so nervous I haven't been able to keep anything down. Sorry for the rant I know this is all over the place. I think I'm just typing this to get it out of my brain for a moment.

I just want my family back. I want my daddy back. I want my sister back. And it feels like this godforsaken fuckbomb of a call is going to see my family fractured for good and it's all my fault all because I couldn't fucking just grow a pair and fake my way through being MOH in some dumb wedding.

Edit: we had the and it went as one would expect I guess.

I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in and

trigger warnings: false abuse accusations, controlling parents

mood spoilers: somewhat sad

- Sept. 25, 2015

I have been with my BF for 3 years, living together for 2. My BF has always been very close to his family. They live not that far away and he has never lived anywhere but NYC where he was born and raised, therefore always had his parents close by and spends time with them regularly - therefore I didn't see anything odd at first about how close he is to his parents and assumed it was normal.

However, since we moved in together there were red flags regarding his parents. Some examples:

1. There is a coin-operated laundromat half a block away from our apartment, but he insists on getting his clothes packed, carries it on a 30-minute one way subway ride all the way to his parents' to have it washed. I thought this was weird but hey, his clothes, his time, his subway fare.

2. He shares a bank account with his parents. His parents pore over his financials regularly and once chewed him out over spending too much money on ordering pizza! I found this kind of odd too but as we keep our finances separate, this didn't affect me so I let this slide.

3. On a camping trip with his family, a mosquito entered our tent and I tried multiple times to slap it in between my hands. Immediately, his mom and dad barged into our tent, yelling and demanding to know why I was "slapping my BF." I was utterly confused and told them that I was slapping a mosquito, in fact, the mosquito was still buzzing around the tent. My BF backed me up but his parents thought that he was covering up for me and since then, they have disliked and mistrusted me with things like, when I got a promotion, they called my place of work to see if "I was telling the truth about working there and my promotion." This I found utterly INSANE and embarrassing me at my workplace, however, my BF stood up for me again and therefore I didn't think it was right to dump him for his parents' insanity. Despite my BF sticking up for me and telling the truth to his parents on both these instances, they continued mistrusting me. I started not wanting to go to many of their family events after these ridiculous episodes, which my BF said he understood and never pressured me into going.

4. I make more money that my BF, so I asked him if we could move to a better neighborhood and I will pay a bigger portion of the rent to cover this, and he would be paying the same amount he currently pays. He got extremely upset that he couldn't "pull his weight" but I told him that I don't mind paying more so that we can live in a safer area. I chalked this to how men are shamed in the media if they are seen as not good providers blah blah and assumed he was just insecure about it. However, when he discussed this with his parents, they accused me of hiding a source of income (uh no, I have a regular old boring marketing job) and being involved with unsavory activities or that I am lying about something and hiding things. I was utterly confused! My BF doesn't believe any of their bullshit, and again stood up for me.

However, shit soon hit the fan. His parents are now demanding to see my bank statements to prove to them that everything is on the up and up. My BF knows that I have nothing to hide, so he said that I should just do it to shut them up so that they'd stop with the drama. However, I think that this is a huge violation of my privacy. Why should I have to justify myself to them when I have done nothing wrong, and what right do they have to the details of my finances? If I give in, what else will I be expected to do to satisfy their insanity?

At the same time, it's not my BF's fault that he was born into that crazy family, and he has stood up for me every time, and I don't want to break up with him over something that he didn't do. Still, his parents are driving me up the wall and stressing me out! What should I do?

tl;dr: BF's overbearing parents are insisting to see my bank statements because they have paranoid ideas, I am very uncomfortable about it and wondering what to do.

In the comments, OOP replies to people asking about cultural differences that both she and the boyfriend are Jewish and that his parents are just nuts. She also mentions that the BF has lost relationships because of them before.

- Sep. 27, 2015

Original post:

I read all the replies and I had a long talk with my BF about boundaries. He listened, agreed with me, and decided to talk to his parents. I was hopeful and glad that he was going to do something about this, but things soon got much worse.

He returned home a few hours later with his parents! Silly me, I was assuming that they were here to apologize or at the very least have an adult conversation about everything that has been going on.

1. They accused me of trying to keep him away from them and isolate him in order to abuse and control him. I told them that I was not, and never said that he shouldn't interact with them. All I wanted was for them to respect MY boundaries and stop making unreasonable demands. They said that this is what all abusers do, and that I am showing my true colors. The messed up part is that my BF was visibly affected by all this to the point of starting to agree with them!

2. They kept insisting that I was acting guilty, and that only guilty people have something to hide, and the fact that I'm refusing to show them my bank statements prove that their suspicions are correct. I told them that it is NONE of their business, and if my BF trusts me, what right do they have to interfere with my business? At that point his dad got in my face and screamed at me about being a horrible person who abuses their son.

3. They brought up a music festival I had attended last year with mutual friends of BF and I from college. They accused me of spending that weekend away prostituting myself instead of going to the festival, and when I countered with the fact that there was an entire album full of photos on my FB, they then changed their accusation to suspecting that I was dealing drugs! This was shocking to me as I have never dealt drugs in my life, and neither my BF, his parents, or anyone else has ever accused me of dealing drugs. I pointed out that their accusations keep changing the moment the first one is proven wrong, and how exactly am I supposed to prove a negative like that? Even if I gave them my bank statements, they would accuse me of having a different account, or of hiding cash, who knows what else? I told them that it is clear that it isn't going to stop, and therefore they should just stop bothering me with their insane theories and leave me alone. I guess this was my fault for going to the festival without my BF, but I had asked him to go along repeatedly but he kept saying that he doesn't like large crowds, which I have known about him from the start. I didn't think that there was an issue since I was camping with girls and my BF also knew these people from college.

4. My BF then said that it could be a possibility that I was actually dealing drugs, that my refusal and anger at his parents' requests is making him no longer trust me and that he is starting to think "where there is smoke there is fire." WHAT. THE. HELL. I told him that he had never once accused me of prostitution or drug dealing before and these insane accusations only started once his parents put the idea into his head! If he was uncomfortable with me going to the festival, he could have spoken up before I bought the ticket, before I actually left, and if he was uncomfortable he could also have brought it up in the YEAR since then and now, but he didn't, and only started getting uncomfortable once his parents planted these ideas into his head.

5. I told them that I don't understand where these suspicions are coming from. I make a normal amount of money for someone in my position, I live below my means, I don't make any extravagant purchases, so why exactly do they accuse me of hiding so much money? What money? They then said that I am "deflecting" in order to not have to answer their accusations, that I had manipulated my BF into sticking up for me, and that the camping trip showed them how much I was abusing my BF, that their poor son has been so abused that he would deny that I was slapping him.

My BF said that since this conflict doesn't seem to be getting resolved, and since they are his parents after all and that he can't be with someone that refuses to get along with his parents, we are breaking up. Seriously. Those were his words. I am apparently the bad one in everything here and his delusional evil parents are not at fault. His parents helped him pack up and he went home with them.

His parents then said that they are going to call the cops on me for domestic violence and drug dealing. I am innocent, but I don't know what is going to happen now, if their insane calls to the cops are going to jeopardize my job in some way. I am so scared of these insane people and what they may end up doing. :(

tl;dr: They are all batshit insane and are seriously in need of psychiatric help.

- Sept. 27, 2015

I posted this on and was told to post here.

Ex's parents accused me of domestic violence, prostitution, and drug dealing. I have never done either of those in my life, but they are threatening to call the cops and get me in trouble.

What should I do and how do I get in front of it? Do I contact the cops first? Do I just stick to getting a lawyer?

I have never been in trouble with the law and I don't have any clue as to how to proceed, so any help would be greatly appreciated.  

Editor's note: Marking this as inconclusive as OOP has not updated since the legaladvice post.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 31st August 2024

- 31st August 2024

- 1st September 2024

AITAH for buying my girlfriend a necklace instead of a ring?

I 29m have been with my girlfriend 28f for 7 years and I’ve recently decided that I want to propose to her. When it came time to buy an engagement ring I had a very difficult time deciding what to get her, mostly because she absolutely hates wearing rings. She has a medical condition that causes her hands to swell and another one that makes her fingers dry and flakey.

She downright refuses to wear rings and I don’t want to get her something that will ultimately be useless. I went to a jeweler and explained the situation and he suggested I buy her a different piece of jewelry instead. I ended up finding the most perfect necklace I could imagine, it’s gold (her favorite) and it has both of our birth stones on it, entwined.

It’s absolutely stunning and was about the same as my budget for a ring. I thought this was a perfect solution and I was excited to propose to my girlfriend with this non traditional gesture, but when I told her sister my plans she told me it was tacky and no woman would ever want to be proposed to with a necklace.

She told me I should just buy a ring that she can put on a chain and wear as a necklace, but I don’t see the point as I have already bought her a necklace. I was planning on proposing to my girlfriend on vacation next month but now I’m not so sure. Her sister told me I will be an asshole if I propose with a necklace but I need outside perspectives. AITAH for buying my girlfriend a necklace instead of a ring?

Comments

Sufficient_Claim_461

That sounds thoughtful and sweet! Let us know how the proposal goes!

cpepnurse

Your girlfriend will appreciate the gesture and love the fact that you know her well enough that a ring would not be worn by her. That’s very thoughtful of you. Forget what her sister says.

No-Pomegranate3070

This! Wonderful and sweet idea. Sister may be a bit …. Jealous? You know her. You are in the relationship. Go with your gut.

booksiwabttoread

You know your girlfriend. How will she feel? Personally I think this is a great idea, but her opinion is the one that matters.

OOP: I thought she would love it but now I’m worried, I want to subtly bring it up but I’m not sure how without tipping her off this close to vacation. In the past she’s joked that I should propose with a puppy but I can’t do that right now lol

dorkpho3nix

When you propose explain it to her. Let her know that if she wants a ring, you would be happy to pick one out with her.

If it where me in your girlfriend's place, that would make me happy. I would be flattered that you thought of my needs.

Update - 3 hours later

UPDATE:

I never could have anticipated this post getting so much attention, I really just wanted to know if other women would find the necklace to be acceptable. But all of your advice and encouragement has given me the confidence to propose to my girlfriend. Today. I was gonna wait two weeks until we are on vacation but I don’t want to be anxious until then and I would rather us use that vacation as an engagement celebration than me panicking the entire time over how I’m going to ask her.

Her mother thinks the necklace is perfect, as do her best friends. I’m really not sure why her sister is so upset, I should have mentioned that her sister is only 19 so she may just have a narrow view of engagements. But today my girlfriend and I are in her grandparents cabin for the long weekend and I am going to ask her to marry me with the necklace next to her favorite lake with our dogs.

I’m absolutely freaking out, my hands are shaking uncontrollably and I’m pretending to shower as I write this. I just truly cannot wait any longer, especially after this post, you have all gotten me way too excited. I will update again with her answer. Thank you all so much and I’m sorry I will not be responding to any comments while I figure this out. Wish me luck!

Comments

xKuusouka

NAH. Her sister is still young and it sounds like you're the only one keeping her medical conditions in mind. Yes rings are the traditional way to propose, but you don't have to have one. I think the necklace idea is adorable. I hope she likes it and good luck!

Update - 19 hours later

UPDATE 2:

Well… she said yes!!! Here’s how it went, we woke up early in the morning with our two dogs, went out for a nice early morning walk with the mist and the cold morning air, got back to the cabin where I made us both breakfast (French toast and bacon, her favorite) and afterwards we went out in a canoe ride to the center of the lake.

She could absolutely tell that I was freaking out because she asked me about 15 times if I was okay lol when we got to the center of the lake I was basically silent from total fear when she finally said “Jake.. is something going on?” So I grabbed her hands and told her that I think she’s the most incredible person on the planet and I can’t imagine living this life with anyone else.

I pulled out the box with the necklace in it and asked her if she would make me the happiest person alive and marry me. She instantly burst into tears and said she absolutely would, she didn’t even question the necklace and completely understood my choice and told me it was the best thing I could have done to ask her.

She told me she doesn’t want me to spend my money on another ring nor does she want a silicone one, she says the necklace is perfect. We spent about 10 minutes sobbing and hugging and kissing until I finally brought us back to shore where she immediately started calling all of our friends and family.

Her sister even texted me and told me that she thinks I made the right decision, which feels really great tbh. I’m so happy I didn’t wait, part of me wanted to do it this weekend but I wouldn’t have unless I had this push from all of you. Thank you so so much for your kind words and encouragement, we’re reading through all of your comments together now while we laugh and talk about the future. My fiancé (!!) Grace also wants me to let you all know that she appreciated your kind words towards me and the push to propose today lol maybe I’ll update in the future but we’ll see, I now have lots of planning for the future :)

Comments

casualqueenie

Congrats OP! obvs NTA at all! You listened to her wants & reasons for not wearing rings and got her the most perfect piece of jewelry. You're definitely two lucky people to have met one another.

-EmotionalDamage-

What an amazing engagement story! Congrats to you both!!!

The sister is young, don't take it personally. She's had time to process your reasoning and has realised why you chose a ring. I'm so glad to hear she's on board now too.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Was I kidnapped as a child?

Trigger Warnings: past trauma, drug use, child abduction, death of a parent

: August 12, 2024

I believe that I may have been kidnapped when I was little, there's a part of my life that is completely blank in my mind, I don't remember anything from the time I was 5-6, I remember things from when I was 3-4 (I'm currently 21)

The only thing that I remember from the time of 5-6 is myself crying in a dark room, with only a TV with a few old VHS tapes, every time I have asked my mother about it she would always change the topic and never answered me, she passed last year so I never got a definitive answer

I tried searching my name on Google, but nothing shows up

I've been trying to get in contact with family members from around the time, but either they don't have social media, or don't reply to my messages on messenger, there are a few more family members ill try to get in contact with, my grandmother of my mom's side (never met my dad) she doesn't have social media or a cellphone, but I know where she lives and I'm planning to send her a letter to tell her that I'm planning on paying a visit, it's been 4 years since kve seen her I know she's Alive because I saw her in a picture posted by a younger cousin last week

I'll ask her what happened because she was living with my mother and I for about 3 years from my ages 4-7, if anyone would know, she would

What exactly happened to me?

Relevant Comments

Does OOP have any pictures or records from their childhood years?

OOP: I do have 1 baby picture, I know for a fact that my mother was my biological mother because of a DNA test I did shortly after she passed

I believe someone abducted me when I was 5-6 and I may have been found and returned to my family

I already wrote the letter to my grandmother with a date that I'll be going to her home in Minnesota (I live in Michigan) so hopefully I can get an answer

Was OOP’s Dad in the picture, could he provide any details or someone else from the paternal or maternal sides?

OOP: Never met him, one of the only things I definitively remember my mother telling me is that he abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant and she never saw him again, I thought it may have been him, but he apparently was in prison for about 3 years from 2007-2010 (I was born in 2003, and the time of his prison sentence happened at the same time of when I was 5-6 so if I was kidnapped, it couldn't have been him)

It is possible, but my mom had a good relationship with most of my family, I know for a fact I can get some answers from my grandmother so I'll update in around 2 weeks when I visit her

Could OOP be sure that it happened when they were 5-6?

OOP: I know it happened around the ages of 5-6 because I have memories of every birthday since my 3rd except for 5 and 6, my only memory from that time was the one I mentioned, my mother would always discuss stories from when I was little with me, except for the ones of me being 5-6 years kid

Other good questions shared to OOP:

Commenter: Maybe you were put in foster care for a time?

Commenter: Was your mother single or maybe a bit absent during that time? Maybe she placed you in a room with a tv keep you occupied while she busy with something else. I’m not trying to harsh with my comment. This is a strange and puzzling thing to deal with. Maybe you can have some counseling and talk through some memories.

: August 26, 2024

I visited my grandmother yesterday (I'm staying in her guest room) and she told me what happened

My Uncle was a severe drug addict, and was always trying to get high

It turns out I was indeed kidnapped, by him in broad daylight, he picked me up in the front yard and multiple neighbors saw him

She told me that I was 'missing' for a single afternoon because my uncle was dumb enough to bring me to his home which was 20 minutes from town

Apparently he planned to anonymously Ransom me for money for Cocaine or sell me to whoever

Since this happened in a small town in the 2000's and everything was resolved quickly, there was not much news coverage asides from a small mention in the local paper

So yeah, she also said she disowned him as her son and last she heard he got arrested for indecent exposure over in South Dakota

TL;DR: my family is fucked up

Comments

Commenter: Holy shit, what an update. I’m so sorry that happened to you, OP. I guess at the very least now you have answers and won’t have to question those memories anymore.

And thanks for updating us as well. We don’t always get that here haha.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

OOP's girlfriends prank is evil

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: coulrophobia (fear of clowns) emotional abuse, past trauma

May 11, 2024

My gf (24) and I (M25) have been dating for 2 years a week prior to this post. She and I spend a lot of time together and know each other very well. I have had some relationships issues in the past so am very forward and communicative because of situations I’ve been in relationships in the past. I am irrationally afraid of clowns. I have to emphasize the irrational part. My dad used to watch scary movies when I was a kid and IT was one of his favorites. This movie has had such an impact on my life that I have been to the hospital for panic attacks because of incidents with clown in which my gf was there for. We went to a haunted house and long story short, I was very affected by the clown portion. Ultimately I say this to say she knows of my fear and the effect it has on me.

We had a pretty big argument over her not working the past month. She brought up a feeling of stagnation and depression and I attributed it to her unemployment as in my experience while working sucks, being productive is a very big driver in motivation and overall mental health. I am a very blunt and forward person and struggle a bit with empathy so looking back on it, I was a bit rude. She took this as me saying she was lazy and nonchalant about her career. Ultimately, I’m not concerned about that. While I do want her to be successful, I more want her to be happy. I assume she felt attacked and instead of communicating this to me and us working it out, she internalized it and has taken to retaliation. After a long night of socializing with our friends, we went back to my apartment. She turned on a movie and we sat together watching it for a while. I drifted asleep and was soon awoken by her in a full clown halloween costume. This was one of the most terrifying and frightening experiences I may have ever had.

Falling asleep with someone I’m completely vulnerable and have a lot of trust for to be awoken by my true worst fear sent me to a full fledged panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, in my own home nonetheless, and was paralyzed by fear. She not only targeted my weakness but continued tormenting me while I hyperventilated and I was soon in tears, curled up on the floor, struggling to breathe. After what felt like years (truthfully 5 minutes), she took off the costume trying to comfort me and bringing me an inhaler but started saying that was how I made her feel after speaking about her not having a job. I really love her, we felt like such a perfect match, but to attack me so personally and without communication of the underlying issue prior, I have truly lost all trust for her. I told her to leave me the f*** alone and get out of my house. Obviously this went over poorly, but I have never felt so betrayed by someone I loved before. She hasn’t spoken to me for the 2 weeks since despite my efforts and I’m truly exhausted in trying. Am I the asshole? Do I deserve this or should I move on?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

Kami_Sang

NTA - time to get rid of the gf and move on. You may have been blunt in how you expressed yourself but she was cruel.

~

Excellent-Count4009

NTa

So your gf is an abusive AH, and she KNOWINGLY triggered your panic attack.

Break up.

"She hasn’t spoken to me for the 2 weeks since despite my efforts and I’m truly exhausted in trying." .. STOP trying. You are better off without that abusive AH in your life.

~

legoartnana

NTA, as a woman,mum and grandma, I'm telling you never to see this person again. To use your greatest fear against you is evil. There's no coming back from that. You deserve so much better. Please do everything you can to heal, treat yourself, care for yourself because this was awful.

May 17, 2024 (6 days later)

Quick update: this was definitely premeditated. I spoke with one of her friends who dates a good buddy of mine and she spilled a lot of tea on the situation. Of course underlying issues I contributed to led to this but it was intended as a prank. I did have the chance to speak with her but it certainly didn’t end up the way I envisioned it. She planned this out, bought a cheap costume and intended to prank me as, and I quote, “a lesson”. Her lesson brought up a lot of childhood trauma for me and I don’t have much of a support system for those things. I broke up with her once I heard her side and she was very frustrated. She cursed at me and swore no one would love such a shitty person. The irony of the situation only but made me laugh and I realized maybe she could find a job in her newly found free time. In the past few days I’ve decided to seek counseling and therapy for a lot of the trust issues and ultimately I hope to work on my fear. Thank you all for your responses.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for Refusing to Share My Recipe?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: homophobia, entitlement

  Feb 8, 2024

At the risk of sounding trite, my upbringing was not a good one. I (58m) am the youngest of a large, dysfunctional family, and while I am at least cordial, I would prefer to have as little contact with my surviving siblings as possible. The one sister, Beth, I did get along with has since passed on.

I'm not what you would consider an expert baker, but I enjoy it. My late sister and I used to get together for Christmas at her place. One of my contributions to the dinner was a cheesecake I made from a recipe I found on the internet. The first time I tried it, I thought it was decent, but also felt I could improve it. And over the years, I've experimented with the recipe, adding new ingredients, changing the amounts of other ingredients, I eventually perfected the recipe and I think I've done sufficient modifications to make it officially my cheesecake recipe.

Since my sister's passing, I still make it and give it away to friends, in Beth's memory. I've gotten many compliments on it, even some saying it's the best cheesecake they've ever tasted. One person I made it for paid me very generously to make another one.

The problem now arises when another of my sisters, Jean, came down for a visit. I wasn't happy about this, but I humored her.

(For those who want to know why I don't care to see her, she's very religious and condemns gay people, insisting that anyone who's gay chose to be gay. I also shared with her a story about some cruel treatment I used to receive from yet another of our sisters, Anne, and Jean flat-out said she didn't believe that Anne was ever so cruel. So, essentially, Jean has called me a liar twice.)

She asked me to make the cheesecake I made for Beth and me. So, I did. She loved it and asked for the recipe. I gave her the website I got the recipe from, not my version.

However, upon making it herself when she returned home, she quickly picked up on the fact that it wasn't the version I made for her. So, I conceded that I "may have changed one or two things" and suggested she experiment with it and make it her own. But she wanted to know the exact recipe I used.

I refused, saying that it was my recipe and I'm not giving it out. (Although I did give it to my best friend's teenaged daughter, Alison, who is starting her own baking business. Since my best friend is chosen family, I decided I could share it with his daughter, but told her it was a "family recipe" now, and to share it only with her children when she has them. She said she understood.)

"But we're family!" my sister protested.

"Oh, you are so not my family," I thought.

She's persisted in badgering me for it. And even gotten her own kids involved. Truthfully, I have nothing against her kids, or any of my other siblings' kids. It's just my siblings themselves that I would prefer to have nothing to do with. Even two of our other siblings have joined in demanding my recipe. This isn't persuading me; it's only making me angry.

AITA for refusing to share my recipe?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENT FROM OOP

OOP

"Why did you make this super special cake for her when she visited?"

I should have included it in my OP. Beth was the only sibling who accepted me as a gay man. (So, of course, she'd be the first of my siblings to die. Gee, thanks, God.)

I like to call it Beth's Cheesecake, since I spent all that time perfecting it. And I knew that Beth would want me to make it for Jean. I freely admit, Beth is a much better person than I am.

As I said in my original post, I'm not really all that great a baker. I can make good stuff, but I think it's more due to quality ingredients I choose. Like I can make great chocolate chip cookies, but that's because I use the Ghirardelli chocolate chips. Quality ingredients really does make a difference. And I also looked the right mixture of dark brown sugar, light brown sugar and white sugar to get the right texture. Apart from that, I just follow the recipe on the bag. You can't really go wrong with that.

I'm not a skilled baker at all. I do all right. But it's more a matter of choosing quality ingredients.

TOP COMMENT

AndSoltGoes24

"'We're family!' is a convenient trope people pull out of their behinds when they already know they don't treat family members with consideration, kindness or respect. I'll be family when you treat me like your family. This is fixable Jean. But, that means you'll have to change into someone better. Let me know when the new and improved you shows up. A recipe is the least of what I'd give someone who treats me with consideration, kindness and respect."

NTA. Just be honest and firm with her. She is on some total bunk.

  Feb 9, 2024 (Next Day)

UPDATE:

First, thank you, everyone for all the thoughtful replies. I have upvoted all of you, even those who disagreed with me.

I was very touched by some of your comments and got rather emotional. And I'm not even sure why.

And some of you were outright hilarious.

But you also gave me something important to think about: namely, why am I even bothering to walk on eggshells trying to placate people who have rejected me? I guess I was so used to doing it, for the sake of our mother (our father died when I was 18). But mom died in 2015, and Beth died about a year and a half later. So, who am I keeping up this facade for?

Because I happen to live in Florida, and they live up north, they refer to my home (which I purchased without any help from anyone) as "the vacation home," which is why Jean felt free to invite herself to my house.

So, I don't need to "keep the peace" for anyone. Especially for people who are so openly contemptuous of me and have me adopting this servile role to stay in the family's good graces. Well, screw their good graces. I finally realized that I don't give a shit if they like me or not.

So, I followed the suggestion a few of you have made and blocked them. And it actually feels quite nice to have done it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP shares the website for the recipe

Okay. That, I will do. It's public domain and if people are curious, .

And I will also point out, it's not a bad recipe. In fact, it's really good. I did not give Jean a shitty cheesecake recipe. I doubt she took one bite, devolved into vomitous retching, called Poison Control, threw it away, then called her lawyer to sue me for attempted murder. She had a good cheesecake, if she did it right. And it's not that hard. But I've probably made at least twenty of these cakes over the years since my first attempt. I learned new things, substitute ingredients, and it's just now my recipe.

Just to give you some idea of the direction I moved in, although this is by no means a comprehensive list of every modification I made. I felt the white chocolate taste was too subtle. So, I adjusted something. I also felt there were things I could add/replace to make it smoother and richer.

As for the topping, it wasn't quite tart enough for my taste, so I made some adjustments in that, too.

Again, that is not everything I did to this recipe, however, this covers the major changes, and why I chose to make them. Also, keep in mind, I started doing this in my late forties, and basically everyone I gave it to is around Beth's age (who died from breast cancer ten days after her 60th birthday). When you get up in years, as we have, your taste sensitivity goes down. What might be wonderful for me might be slightly overpowering for you.

So, that is my base recipe. And that's all the information I want to share about how I changed it. Keep in mind, I did give the recipe to Alison, who is an aspiring professional baker and businesswoman. She may not even use my recipe. Or she might even find a way to improve upon the recipe even more than I did. But because I placed it in an aspiring professional's hands, I don't feel it's right to give it here, especially since I told her that it's a family recipe. I hope you all understand.

So, get out your springform pans and get creative!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

[New Updates]: AITAH for cutting off my friends after they made fun of my bf because they slept with me?

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, toxic masculinity, humiliation

RECAP

: February 6, 2024

So I had 3 guy friends, they're not my only friends, but we were pretty close. And I've had sex with all of them. Including some group sex. This stopped some years ago. In fact, two of them are in long term relationships with two of my best friends. And they are aware of our history

Now, my bf and I have been together for about a year, and it's been the best relationship I've had. The thing is my bf is a bit insecure because I'm his first. He's also aware of my history with my friends. I've assured him that this is in the past and I have no sexual attraction to them at all now, and that he's all I need.

I actually asked my friends to never talk about this ever.

However, the other night, we were all hanging out, and I headed out with a friend to get some stuff. When we get back, my bf's mood is much different. He plays it off but I can tell something was bothering him.

When we get back to my place, I press the issue, and he says my guy friends kept making "eskimo" brother jokes, and how he got the "leftovers", and told them about how good he must be if he can satisfy me the same way all of them couldn't.

I was furious, and confronted my friends. They kept saying they were trying to "man" up my bf since I told them he felt insecure about them.

My bf kept trying to save face, saying things that the past is the past, but I can tell he's feeling down.

I decided to cut off my friends because not only they disrespected my bf, but also me by calling me "leftovers".

My two best friends keep saying that it's not a big deal and that me and my bf are overreacting.

Also, how can I make this up to my bf? I tried to show him how much I want him by initiating sex, but he hasn't been in the mood.

AITAH has no consensus bot, but OOP was YTA based on the comments

Relevant Comments

Key_Requirement_8379: NTA for cutting off the 3 guy friends. If your other two “friends” continue to make you feel in the wrong, I’d cut ties with them, too. YTA for telling any of them your BF was insecure about your past. You broke his trust and it’s going to take more than initiating sex to gain that back.

OOP: I was trying to help. I've heard stories about a girl's past being exposed because their friends let it slip. I didn't want that to happen.

I really thought my guy friends would understand.

Infamous_Anything_67: Those are not great friends. I think you are correct in cutting them off. They show a distinct lack of empathy and emotional intelligence.

Apologize to your bf for sharing his insecurities, unless he specifically said that it was okay, those were likely told to you in confidence and you broke that confidence. You're going to have to earn back his trust, I don't know the best way to do that, but it sounds like the two of you need to have a conversation.

OOP: He never said that it was ok, looking back, I realize I really fucked up.

He says he's fine, but he doesn't even want to touch me right now.

potenttechnicality: If your boyfriend dumps you, and he might, you need to realize two things.

He's young, inexperienced and this was traumatic for him; it's not him being "insecure" it's you trusting shitty people that hurt him.

Second, if he leaves that's not a greenlight to go back to business as usual with this friend group. They shit on your trust and behaved like cruel children. That's stuff you don't look past. As for your best friends, they need to understand exactly what sort of sleazebags they're dating and if they can't appreciate your anger then let them know that when they become "leftovers" Maybe they'll understand.

OOP: I will never touch them again. Even if my bf breaks up with me.

: February 8, 2024

Hello everyone, It's been a long couple days, and my bf has finally opened up.

He said he's glad I cut off my friends, and that he wasn't gonna ask me to do it, but if I hadn't he would have left.

He said he doesn't want to break up over this, as it wasn't something wrong I did. He gets that most people have a past and that I didn't even know him back then. He said it just became too real when my ex friends opened their mouth.

He's also mad at me because I told them his insecurities, something that I know was a horrible mistake. I apologized profusely and promised is was never gonna happen again.

He also says he feels inadequate and inferior, he said "How the hell am I suppose to compare? I'm just one guy?"

I assured him that he's way better than them. And that he's all I want from now on. We kept talking for a while, eventually, we hugged it out. He says he doesn't feel ready to have sex again, and asked me to respect that. Which I agreed to.

He also says he doesn't want to hang out with any other former partner. He says he won't freak out of anything if we run into one at like a party or something, but he won't hang out with them. Which is more than fair after what happened.

One of my best friends reached out, and apologized for what she said, she thought my former friends just mentioned our history and my bf got all insecure, but didn't realize just how horrible they were. She said she broke up with him already. I haven't heard from the other friend.

As for me, I feel absolutely disgusting knowing I let those guys touch me. And I know I fucked up when I told my them about my bf's insecurity.

Still, that doesn't excuse just how horrible some of your comments were. I take full responsibility for disclosing my bf's insecurities, but most of you just wanted to shame me for having sex in the first place. I didn't hurt anyone JUST for having groups sex. But I did fuck up by calling the wrong people my friends.

To those of you who were more understanding, but still rightfully called me out for my carelessness with my bf's feelings, thank you.

: February 22, 2024

Hello everyone.

It's been a few of weeks since the whole incident happened.

While a lot of you were horrible in the comments, I appreciate the few of you who were more supportive.

My bf and I seem to be back on track now. He's back to his old self, and has been very loving and sweet. I've been as affectionate as possible, without being sexual. I've been making him meals, got him a couple of gifts, and complemented him.

We had a deep talk about boundaries, and we talked out what happened. He forgave me for talking about his insecurities to my "friends". And I promised him that I won't ever do anything like that again.

We also talked about his insecurities, by the way, he's fully aware of my previous posts, and say it's fine because no one knows who we are.

Well, after I assured him hes the best I've had (which is true), and that I don't want anyone else but him, well... he got his confidence back, and he wasn't shy to show me.

So things are good now with us, I've learned my mistake.

As for my former "friends". I've blocked them on everything, and I have no desire to ever see them again.

I think this is gonna be my last update, and while I don't expect my relationship to never have problems again, i think we've moved on from this now.

Relevant Comments

Dark_Mode_Nose_Wind: You’re fortunate to have a forgiving boyfriend when it comes to something like blurting out his insecurities. You know he would be just as right to walk away after a betrayal like that.

OOP: I'm fully aware he has every right to break up with me, but he forgave me, and I'm grateful. And I won't ever betray him again.

Top Comments

potenttechnicality: I'd caution you not to assume you've "moved on" entirely. Shit this traumatic can be buried but has a way of working to the surface under stress.

You're working hard to repair the hurt and that's great. He's more forgiving than many would be. You're very lucky he's very mature at his age.

I know it sounds extreme but things like this can sometimes create ptsd like symptoms. Ypu don't have to walk on eggshells but just be aware that it's buried, not gone.

----NEW UPDATES----

: July 15, 2024 (five months later)

My bf is pretty inexperienced compared to me. And that's perfectly fine, he's still the best I had.

My friend knows about this. She asked if my bf would want to try having both of us so he can catch up to me.

Thankfully, my bf said no. To be honest, it may sound selfish, but I want him all to myself. But I'm pretty upset that my friend even brought this up.

Edit: Something I need to bring up is that me and my friend and I have shared before.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Does your friend know you're not in an open relationship? Seem rude af. Plus, the whole 'body count' for experience is bullshit.

OOP: She knows, but she's always been pretty sexually open.

To tell the truth, we've "shared" before.

Commenter: Did she ask only you or did she ask while your boyfriend was present? If she asked you, then you could have said "No, I don't feel comfortable with sharing atm". If she asked while your boyfriend was there it gets a lot more uncomfortable in my opinion. How did he react to it? I think I would be weirded out a lot more in his position that in yours tbh " make sure to let him know that you are happy he doesn't want to "try others" and is happy just being with you and that you feel the same. Otherwise you might risk him overthinking that you want him to "practice" or sth.

OOP: She asked my bf while I was right there.

It was just us, and I'll be honest, knowing my friend, she would have done it right there and then. I'm sure she would have kissed him as soon as he said yes.

My bf just laughed it off and said no. He probably had no idea that my friend was ready to do it right there and then.

: July 18, 2024

Hello everyone,

I had a talk with my friend.

Just so you all know, my bf is fully aware of my history with my friend.

I told her i didn't like what she asked my bf, specially because she didn't say anything to me.

She was confused, and just thought I'd be into it. I told her that I don't want to share my bf at all, and even if I did, she needs to ask me first.

She told me "wow, you really love this guy, don't you?" She then apologized and promised not to do anything like that again. She did mention that if me and my bf ever change her mind to let her know.

I also had a talk with my bf. I asked him if he would ever regret saying no to my friend. He was sweet, and said that as long as he has me, he doesn't want another woman. I did tell him that I also don't want to share him with anyone. He took it as a compliment, and we had a nice night.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Definitely not a friend

OOP: Besides this, she's always been supportive of me. She's been there for me during tough times.

She just has poor boundaries when it comes to this kind of stuff.

OOP on having a polyamorous relationship

OOP: I was never really fully "poly." It's not like I ever considered anyone I had poly sex with my S.O.

It was just something I was having fun with.

I doubt it was his bedroom technique that won you over.

He's still the best I've ever had. Maybe it's the love hormones, or maybe he's just naturally talented, or maybe we just meshed perfectly, idk, he's always passionate and always eager to please me. Which makes me more eager to please him, and that makes him more eager and so on.

But I didn't give up the "poly" scene for him, I never wanted to be in a full poly relationship. I used to think that maybe I'd be willing to try some group stuff with my S.O., so maybe the me before I met my bf would have taken up my friends offer, as long as my S.O. was cool with it, of course.

But now I find myself obsessed with my bf. He's genuinely fun to be around, and he's smart and goofy at times. He has a good job, but so do I. He makes a bit more than me, but he's not like rich.

He's mature and very thoughtful, but he's very sexual foward when he wants to be. To be honest, if he had never told me I'm his first, I might have not figured it out.

Idk, I guess it I feel more than satisfied with my bf, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. And I want all of that to myself. I feel like it's a package deal. Like, I feel if I share my bf with another woman, I'd be sharing all the other things that I love about him.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

AITAH for getting hurt and upset over a “harmless prank” that my husband pulled?

OOP is and this was posted on .

ORIGINAL (1 month ago):

So me and my husband have been married for five years. We are currently f24 and m33. Way before we met, when I was 16, my mom’s house had a house fire that burnt literally everything down and sadly my childhood cat was also killed in it.

I remember my mom and brother waking me up screaming “fire, fire, get up, get up!” We crawled out under the smoke and luckily my neighbors had already called the fire department and they pulled us out. We lost literally everything. We were devastated. So that was a while ago but it still really scares me, and I check outlets and our stove and candles and everything all the time. My husband knows this about me.

So two nights ago I went to bed early because I am currently 34 weeks pregnant, literally about to pop. I was sleeping for a while before for some reason, my husband decided to wake me up by yelling “baby! There’s a fire! Fire, fire, fire! Get up!”

As quick as I could get up at 34 weeks, I did, and grabbed my purse. I was just in automatic shock and just autopilot and knew I needed what to grab. I made it all the way down the stairs, yelling for my husband to follow me, before he started laughing and telling me it was a joke.

It took a minute for that to process. I stood there with an open mouth while he laughed and ushered me down the rest of the stairs. I sat down on the couch and just started sobbing. It was genuinely the hardest I’ve ever sobbed, it’s like I couldn’t get myself to stop and my whole body was shaking. My heart was racing and I couldn’t breathe. I have never had this experience before, I was genuinely so panicked.

I was so fucking upset. My husband apologized and was like “oh my god, I’m sorry, it was just a joke”. I just cried until he eventually was like “what the fuck it was just a prank, this is really dramatic.”

After a few hours, I had calmed myself down and went to apologize to him. He wouldn’t take it. He said I was being over dramatic and made him feel like shit for a harmless prank. So I guess AITAH? I’ve never been good at taking jokes, I’ve been trying to be less sensitive but idk.

Additional Info from OOP in the Comments

On why she apologized: I apologized because he mad a big deal about me making him feel horrible

On how often her husbands plays pranks on her and makes jokes at her expense: He doesn’t but it’s an often argument that I am “too sensitive”.

On comments that the fire happened when OOP and her husband were already dating (her at 16 and husband at 24): This is not true. We met when I was 18.

When asked if husband is happy about the baby, if he is a narcissist, and if there are other red flags in the relationship: He’s happy, he’s the one who wanted a baby. I don’t think he is a narcissist though I’m not sure the definition of that lol. And no I don’t think there are red flags other what is being pointed out in the comments I am reading. That is mostly that he tries to make me feel sensitive and our ages but I always knew that and I never cared.

Comments

: No, you’re absolutely NTAH. That wasn’t a “harmless prank” when he knows your past trauma. It also wouldn’t have been a “harmless prank” even without that trauma because you are pregnant. The adrenaline spike from something like that could have easily sent you into preterm labor and while I’m sure you feel ready to pop, you’re not yet full term and the baby’s lungs are the last to develop. He’s definitely the AH, but more than that - that was psychological abuse. It was not a prank, it was not funny, and it very well could have done physical harm as well. And now he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking that you’re the problem. Please be very careful and keep yourself safe.

: When I read what he did my first thought was “This is NOT a harmless prank”. I know babies can survive outside of the womb at 34 weeks, but the risk of complications is so high at this stage still. He literally put his wife and child’s lives at risk for a joke that isn’t even funny

: It was never meant to be funny. It was intended to harm, with just enough plausible deniability to be able to convince HER that he was just joking and that he deserves the apology rather than her.

: And maybe the most important

WTF is wrong with him for pulling a prank on you WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT, and not just pregnant, but “literally about to pop” pregnant?! You’re not suppose to go through like any stress right now, not even the stress from an actually harmless prank. He is fucking lucky his bullshit didn’t cause harm to the baby or push you into early labor or something. This was a super dangerous and mean thing to do. You don’t need to apologize. He does.

OOP replies: I didn’t even think about this, I am 34 weeks but I still need at least 2 more to make sure the baby is fully grown and healthy. That could’ve been horrible.

UPDATE (Today):

A month ago I posted my first post, which is still up on my account. I was terrified and hurt and confused and the comments really helped me sort through everything going on.

A week later, I went into preterm labor and gave birth to my baby at 35 weeks.

A week after that, my husband beat me unconscious when he caught me googling "the signs of an abusive marriage" after he coerced me into sex a week post-partum.

Today I filed for divorce and secured a restraining order on him. My husband will never lay a hand on me or my baby ever again.

I cannot confidently say that I would have made that decision without the help of my original post. So thank you so very much. I think maybe people do not realize how much you can help a stranger on the internet, but you can. And all of you did. I will be the woman who leaves after the first time. I will be the best mother I can be, and that starts with leaving him.

Thank you.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

1 update - Short

- 16th December 2023

- 17th December 2023

Boss lets his workers fight over a piñata filled with money at Christmas Party

I just got a heads up from my GF, that her boss does this every year.

As her partner, they will expect me to partake and help my girl fill her bags. The boss also tries to grab as much money.

Is this the perverse metaphor I think it is?

Will I be rolling on the ground, fighting my comrades over 50 Peso notes?

Comments

[deleted]

Bring a leaf blower and cause some real chaos. Or Oceans 13 that shit and replace the pinata with one filled with office supplies

HolyIsTheLord

Or a shop vac and just suck up all the cash

Writers-Life

Dunno why, but upon reading this the first image that came to mind was of a King dropping a small bag of coins into an arena to watch commoners fight amongst themselves and the King laughing his ass off while muttering "Ah peasants" under his breath.

mangage

Update - 1 day later

So just to let you know how this went down:

There wasn't just money in the piñata but also buttons. The person with most buttons won a big TV.

In the previous game the winner was allowed to chose a prize from the raffle table. The boss won and went straight for one of the two TVs.

So comes the piñata: People putting hands full of gravel in bags to search it for buttons. People selling their buttons for cash.. "Remember last year I got a blue eye haha"

Well, my girlfriend won the big TV and says shes going to ask if she can swap it for some days off.

Im still speechless, but I was asked why I think this game is wrong and I dont know how to express myself. My GF says its just a bit of fun and doesnt see whats wrong with it and even feels like Im attacking her by criticising the game she played, as if I were making them out to be idiots for participating.

Comments

Individual-Fail4709

Sold cars for a while in college. In our sales meetings, occasionally the GM or SM would "motivate" the crew of salespeople by throwing a bunch of $1 and a few $5 bills into the crowd. There were about 50 sales people and I'm the only woman. In the AM shift, there were probably 30 of us there. These guys dove, fought, jumped, rolled around on the floor to get a few bucks. I had about $6 just land in my lap. I did not participate otherwise. SM asks me if I like money. I respond, "Not enough to degrade myself by rolling around on the floor for $5." He was annoyed. What an asshole.

JellyDenizen

Nobody realizes Squid Game was actually a series of HR training films.

Stardust1Dragon

The dude should watch Squid Game with his GF and explain that the piñata game was basically a scaled down version of the same shit.

cobra_mist

On the tv that she won

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts.

Mood Spoiler: positive ending for OOP

Original : October 19, 2023

My BF (30M) and I (31F) have been together two years.

We’re going through rough patches and couples therapy trying to work on communication that hasn’t gotten better.

My BF has been focused on getting a house with his parents so we can have a house for our future. They are giving him a LOT of money to put toward a house. I have money I want to put toward the house but he told me it isn’t a lot (30k) or enough for a down payment.

I haven’t been involved in the process because his parents only speak Chinese and they have to use a Chinese realtor in my area. My BF usually gives me some type of summary of the conversations after we leave as translating in real time is too hard for him. He can’t multi-task. So I’m usually with them and have no idea what’s going on.

On top of that, he says he can’t put my name on the house because I have 20k student loan debt and it affects our approval. And because it’s a prematurely asset, he doesn’t want my name on it till we’re married, which would be soon since we’re getting engaged soon. But the house is for us as a married couple to live in. He also said he can’t add my name to the deed after we’re married cuz he would have refinance the house. He claims this is what everyone has told him and he has done is own research.

Last night, I told him I’m extremely hurt that I haven’t been involved in the process of finding us a home. He has shown me three houses but has gotten mad when he asked me if I liked it and I said things I don’t like - such as having no yard for my dog, which came before him. This isn’t how I pictured finding a house with a future husband. I wanted to be involved. Stress about stuff together. Find things we like and don’t like. Enjoy it and have fun. But he has been the one doing it all with his parents. I just want an equal partnership. I want a best friend who will ask me things and not get mad. I want someone who will be excited about things with me. Not someone who tells me to stop crying cuz I’m sharing my feelings and he can’t talk to me like that.

I have communicated that I might not move into the house until we’re married. So he is aware of that. But he also can’t afford the house without me. He has to sign for a house he found by Nov. 30.

Maybe I’m the one being the AS by wanting my name on the house and being an equal partner in the relationship. He just claims he is doing the logical thing for our relationship and for our future. He wants to be the one to provide for us since I (55K) make less than him (75k).

So… am I the AS?

Thanks for any advice and opinions. 🫂

EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION: I live in the USA in Florida! He parents came the USA when BF was 4. They own a business but speak VERY limited English.

Updating for the language: they speak Wenzhounese and Mandarin

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA - if you are putting money in then your name goes on. DO NOT give him a dime if he is not willing to put your name on the house. Honestly this is throwing off huge red flags, take your $30k pay off your student loans and find a new BF.

OOP (downvoted): I want to put money down. But him and his parents won’t let me. As of right now, I’m not giving anything but he says I have to help with the property tax if I move in. I’ll be paying only for electric, water and everything but the mortgage.

(to another commenter): A close family friend has told me that I can be on the deed without being on the mortgage. She event asked a broker as well.

But he says his parents are still saying no and he needs to protect himself since a premarital asset.

Commenter: Rightfully so [to not letting her put money down.] You aren’t married or even engaged. Mingling finances in a major joint asset is stupid.

OOP: He is going to be proposing next week on a trip. He doesn’t know I know. We already have a ring picked out and he has it in his backpack for the trip.

Commenter: [...] All in all though, with he and his parents clearly on the same page with regards to 'protecting' this asset from you, are you sure you want to settle down with him?

OOP: At this moment no. He doesn’t have a lot of empathy. He is still trying to buy a house even when I’m depressed cuz a family relative just died. He also doesn’t seem to care about my feelings. He just keeps saying I should be grateful that he is doing this for us and his parents are giving $150k for a house.

Commenter: Not picking a side or saying "YTA" here but you did say earlier that his parents are putting down $150k and the most you could put down is 30... which is a huge discrepancy. It sounds like your relationship is fairly rocky to begin with and maybe he/his parents recognize that. If I was giving my son $150k to buy a house with his wife/gf who couldn't hardly put up a fifth of what I am I'd probably be cautioning my child as well. I mean if the marriage falls apart are you going to want an equal share of the house in the divorce?

OOP: The 30K is my entire life savings. I’ve been saving that since highschool. His family has their own business and make good money.

Commenter: Either way, is this relationship actually giving you what you want and need?

OOP: Not really. He is unhappy as well. But he loves me.

Commenter: If he is buying it, than it’s 100% his house. If and when you get married, that is when you should be added to the house

OOP: He said he can’t add my name to the house cuz he would have to refinance. So he can’t even promise to add my name after

Commenter: Are you non Chinese? My guess is mommy and daddy are helping for two reasons...

1 they will live there too

2. They will expect him to find a nice Chinese girl. ( conditions)

OOP: Yes! I am white! He says his family has accepted us

One last comment from OOP:

He claims he can’t afford the house without me though. So he needs me to live in the house.

OOP is voted NTA

Mini Update in : October 23, 2024 (4 days later)

Hi all! I’ve seen a lot of requests for an update! I will give more of an update in the next couples of days. I had a family member pass away and we had the funeral today.

Summary is my parents and I are working on a plan to get me out. I didn’t give him money and he is doing stuff for the house without giving me updates still. I haven’t asked any questions at all since this post and have given him nothing.

Update : March 25, 2024 (5 months later)

I do have an update finally:

I did end up leaving him. I found an apartment and moved out in January. He got mad at me and kicked me out of the old place as I was still getting things out. He manipulated me and said we could get back together. It was all a lie. He also had started seeing a girl 5 days after we broke up in December, but kept telling me he missed me and loved me during this time.

I caught him texting the girl and he was lying to her about multiple things. I tried to warn her that he was lying and still with me at the time. She understood and then she told him I reached out. He called me that day and kicked me out of the place - telling me I couldn’t go back. They are still dating.

He ended up buying the house without me and lying about it in November saying he was scared of telling me, which made matters worse. He turned off his phone location during the times he worked on the house. Accused me of cheating for making a guy friend (he has a GF) at work. He went through my cell phone and read all the texts because he had to. That was the day we broke up. He has since turned all his friends against me calling me a liar and a cheater so I’ve removed them all.

I’m doing well and in a better and safer place since all this went down. Seeing my therapist for a couple of months and putting myself first. Plus, paying off my student loans 🥳

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

I think I destroyed our relationship trying to compliment my boyfriend

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

: August 7, 2024

My boyfriend and I are both 28 years old and together for 2.5 years.

Yesterday night we were drinking and one thing led to another and I tried to compliment him by saying he is not someone who I would hookup or be a fwb with but marry. I thought everything was fine but he seemed extremely distraught after that. I realized how he understood it and tried to clarify it but he is still the same this morning.

He told me he needs space to think for a while and left the house. All my friends tell me I messed it up and guys tell me it’s not a compliment and most men will understand it differently. I think I destroyed our relationship and I am panicking right now.

Top Comments

HipsterSlimeMold: Why would you even say that lmfaooo

Praetorian_Panda: Rookie mistake you were supposed to be saying dumb shit like this in high school so you wouldn’t mess up here.

Blue_Speedy: I completely understand what you were trying to say, but as all other commenters here have pointed out, what you've actually said is something along the lines of "I've hooked up with better people who are more my type before".

NotInNewYorkBlues: I think you meant to say he is too good but it sounds like he is bad.

cannavacciuolo420: I’ll be 100% honest as i would with any guy friend i have.

What you said and how you said it makes it look like you had your fun, got to fuck the “cool guys you’d want just for sex”, and then after that you decided to go to him because he’s the safe option. It’s a great way to emasculate him and make him feel as nothing more than the safe choice.

Therefridgerator

I don't think it's even that gendered. A guy saying to a girl "I probably wouldn't fuck you outside of a committed relationship" would probably not go over well either lol.

It's like that guy who was getting clowned on on Twitter for saying "Idk why all you compliment your wife for being beautiful - I compliment mine for being a great mom!"

: August 19, 2024 (12 days later)

There were too many comments and messages from my first post. I wanted to reply to them but there was just too many. However, I made sure I read a good amount of them.

Firstly, I want to explain my point of view and what I meant by that compliment. I wanted to tell him that I wouldn’t let him go with just a hookup or FWB relationship. I wanted more with him basically but I understand my wording with that compliment was terrible. I find him attractive so much.

Back to the events. He didn’t come to home for 3 days straight. After coming, we had a discussion about what happened. He told me he felt terrible after I said it to him. I explained my point and what I meant with that compliment. Also, I assured him that I love him and find him attractive. We both said sorry and I thought things calmed down. I made sure to show him I love him and find him attractive with my actions. However, he seemed a bit weird even during sex. It was like he was somewhere else.

Last weekend he came to me and told me he doesn’t see the relationship in the same way and how he tried to overcome how he felt but he just cannot shake the feeling. He said how he didn’t want to throw away a 2.5 years relationship and wants to try everything. So, we are going to start couples counseling next week. My two close friends told me the relationship is probably over and he is just trying his best to deny it right now.

That is it. I don’t know what’ll happen but I don’t want to lose him.

Top Comments

saneseating: It’s great that you’re both willing to try counseling and work through this. Communication and effort from both sides are crucial, and seeking professional help is a positive step.

HateMarmalade: Hard to overcome this, but at this point they are doing their best to keep the relationship alive. That's all you can ask for.

Zulogy: I think the relationship is cooked

cakivalue: Like an over fried turkey that burnt down the garage.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP